Marraige Jokes :)

scubakid

A man comes into the room and says to his wife: “I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.”
The wife, delighted that he has included her in his activity replies: “Does that mean you are taking me with you, darling?” The husband replies: “No, I’m turning the heating off!!!”


A young boy says to his father: “How much does it cost to get married?”
His dad replies: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”
________________________________________________________________________________ _

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked, 'What is on the TV?' I said 'It looks like Dust'.
________________________________________________________________________________ _

A woman says to her husband: “What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He replies: “It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.”
________________________________________________________________________________ _

On a very hot day, a man decided to sunbathe naked in his secluded back garden.
“I wonder”, he says to his wife, “what the neighbours would say if they could see me.”
“They would probably say that I married you for your money” replied his wife.
________________________________________________________________________________ _

One neighbour says to the other: “I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well”
The other guy replies: “So it works then!!!”
________________________________________________________________________________ _

A guy gets home, runs into the house, slams the door and says: “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!” The wife replies: “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says: “I don’t care. Just get the hell out!!!”
________________________________________________________________________________ _

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.

satchman

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye...."

Brendog

"I Love my wife, only problem is when we go out she finds her way home"

"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. "

"She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

JohnnyBananas

Here's a good come back for a wife when her husband asks her to get him something.

Come back with whatever he asks you to get him!!!!!


What does a woman do when she gets home from the bruised wives clinic?

The f*ckin' dishes if she knows what's good for her!!!!!


How many male chauvenists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, let the bitch wash the dishes in the dark!!!!!


My wife ran off with my best friend.

I miss him so much!!!!!!

JohnnyBananas

And a few for the ladies.

What should a woman do when she sees her ex-husband lying on the floor in agony?

Shoot him again!!!


What have men and floor tiles got in common?

If you lay them properly once, you can walk over them for life!!!!!

flutered

i married miss right,
unfortunatly her first name is always