The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Rick Deckard

MarkD09 wrote: »

But why did she say does, doesnt it ? I dont get it either

Two lesbians in the bath, one says to the other "using the soap to masturbate really wears the soap down!!"(ie Where's the soap)

Other one says, "It does doesnt it"

Now go back and read the joke with this scene in your head.:)

Galway K9

staker wrote: »

Two lesbians in a bath,one goes "Where's the soap?"
The other smiles and replies "Does,doesn't it?"

Brilliant! still laughing.

Doublechinlolz

peatcass wrote: »

Two lesbians in the bath, one says to the other "using the soap to masturbate really wears the soap down!!"

Other one says, "It does doesnt it"

Now go back and read the joke with this scene in your head.:)

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA wears the soap oh i get it hahahahahaha

Coriolanus

Holy crap I'm slow. Thanks for the explanation.

timewilltell

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are lost in the wilderness. It's been months and they're running out of food.

One day the red head says,
'I'm going to go hunting for food.'

And off she sets.
A few days later she returns, bruised and battered, but with a wild boar!
The other 2 are amazed, and ask how. She says:

'I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BAM! Caught the boar!'

They feast for weeks..

Eventually the brunette realises it's her turn.

So she sets out, and returns days later with a deer, and says.

'I just saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and BAM caught the deer.'

Again they feast.

Finally it's the blonde girls turn..and she sets off.

Weeks later, she stumbles in to the camp, bruised and battered, with nothing to show for it.

The other 2 ask what happened...

She says.. 'Well, it's like this..I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BAM, hit by a train.'

deise go deo

Two IRA Volunteers walk out of a Bar in Belfast, They see a man in Uniform at the end of the street,

The first volunteer says:
'An Cheapann tú go bhfuil an fear sin san RUC?'

The second Volunteer says:
'Ní Cheapann'

Debthree

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Queen-Mise

please dont use spoilers for those of us on phones. Thanks

My jokes are anti-jokes so dont really suit here...

snyper

snyper wrote: »

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"


that joke got me laid soooo many times...

Great ice breaker

There must be some sluts in your area!!

Feeded

How did the baker die? He stepped on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.

Adamantium

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?











A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven

LighterGuy

Adamantium wrote: »

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it into the oven

too soon.

pappyodaniel

3 guys are all sitting an interview to get into a Psychology course in Trinity.
They are each asked to provide a word that is the opposite of woe.
The guy from Dublin says "happiness".
The guy from Cork says "elation".
and the sham from Limerick having thought about it for a few minutes says

"Giddy Up!"

pappyodaniel

What's the first sign of Madness?

Suggs walking up you driveway.

rednik

What's the fastest moving muscle in a womans body?

The PRICK

peterk675

The last few words before my grandad kicked the bucket were..?



" how far do you thinki can kick this bucket "

cournioni

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html

Logfire

Why did the Baker have smelly fingers?


He needed a sh1t.

Rick Deckard

Monkeh wrote: »

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja!
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Poxy Google Translate!!

If the Nunstück git and Slotermeyer?
Yes!
Or the Beiherhund the Flipperwaldt gersput!

Someone wanna help me out?

Debthree

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A German couple give birth to a child who is normal in every way. But as the years go on it becomes obvious that he has no speech. He turns 3, no words. He turns 5, no words. Eventually he approaches his teen years but still, no words. Other than his lack of speech, he is a healthy child.

As a birthday treat the couple take him on holiday to Ireland.

On the Aer Lingus flight, the air hostess gives the child his lunch. A few minutes pass and, lo and behold, suddenly the child says "I don't like this meal."

His parents are astonished. They simply cannot believe it. They are overjoyed. The mother says "son, all these years you've never spoken, we thought you never would. How is it that you've suddenly spoken?"

The boy replies: “up 'til now, everything has been satisfactory.”[/FONT]

AckwelFoley

Deleted User wrote: »

There must be some sluts in your area!!

No, not in athlone.

It was a real winner with the ladies in Nenagh

Standard Toaster

peatcass wrote: »

Poxy Google Translate!!

If the Nunstück git and Slotermeyer?
Yes!
Or the Beiherhund the Flipperwaldt gersput!

Someone wanna help me out?

If I translated it you'd fall down dead from laughter.
Please don't translate on here for fear of killings others. Danke.

Faith+1

Whats the only biscuit that can fly?

A Plane Biscuit!

Blackjack

snyper wrote: »

the ladies in Nenagh

ROFLCOPTERS:D:D

Rick Deckard

Monkeh wrote: »

If I translated it you'd fall down dead from laughter.
Please don't translate on here for fear of killings others. Danke.

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

Standard Toaster

peatcass wrote: »

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

You asked for it.....everyone else turn your speakers down.....no more then that...bit more....all the way down.

There you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

THE LINK WALSH

Why did the pony cough?

Because he was a little ho(a)rse.

darragh16

Do you like fishsticks?

Then you must be a gay fish.

Trog

cournioni wrote: »

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html

HOW HAS THIS NOT GOT MORE THANKS?

Best. Joke. Ever.

Debthree

Four children sitting in a classroom. One is European, one American, one African and one Chinese.

The teacher asks "If you had the choice to eradicate food scarcity in a foreign country where would you choose?"

The African child said: "What's food?"
The European child said: "What's scarcity?"
The American child said: "What's a foreign country?"
The Chinese child said: "What's choice?"

lolie

Two buckets of sick are walking down the street one day, one of them breaks down in tears.
His friend says "why are you so sad bucket, why are you so sad"??

He points across the street and says "theres the house i was brought up in".

ynul31f47k6b59

peatcass wrote: »

at least i'd die happy. not living in frustration as i am now.
go on......

Just saw the video, but for anyone who can't view it, here's the explanation I found (cuz I didn't get it either):

The British comedy troupe Monty Python once performed a sketch entitled "The Funniest Joke in the World" that beautifully illustrates the difficulty in seeking the funniest joke ever told. The premise of the sketch was the invention of a joke so hilarious that anyone who heard it immediately died from laughter. When news of this killer joke reached the British military, they ordered it translated into German for use as a battlefield weapon. Far from being the funniest joke ever told, however, the actual joke is a nonsensical piece of fractured German: "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!" A very literal English translation: "When is the now-piece (git) and (Slotermeyer)? Yes! (Beiher)dog that or the pinball wood (gersput)!"

hondasam

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.



*******

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

********

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're behind the wheel.

grrrrrrrrrr

Ex-ministers get 4million euro pension pots..

HAHAHAHA... Oh wait... Shut

Loomis

Paddyontherun wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Smelly balls

Criminally under appreciated.

Screaminmidget

Two Blondes walk into a Bar. You'd Think one of them would have seen it

Boxfresh

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm in a pantomime.


Doctor: Oh No You Don't!

policarp

A blonde and a brunette see a bloke with a serious dandruff problem.
The brunette says to the blonde, "that bloke needs some Head and Shoulders".
The blonde asks "How do you do shoulders?"

Jordonvito

My Girlfriend asked me today if I was a paedophile, I replied 'thats a big word for a 12 year old'

Ghost Estate

Did you hear about the fella who found a whistle in a septic tank?

He blew the sh1t out of it

CorsetIsTight

peatcass wrote: »

Drum set falls off a cliff.

Ba dum, tish

Two elephants fall off a cliff.

Boom, boom.

Ave Nocturna

What did Mr. Spock find when he looked into the toilet?



Captain's log

******

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you call a walk with no legs? A raisin

******

A guy went to a seafood disco and pulled a mussel

*****

My wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had started

Dolph Starbeam

'Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a 'Passionate Embrace'.

Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

BO-JANGLES

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

Cheeky_gal

pasta-solo wrote: »

This one needs to be said aloud:

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

Always makes me laugh!

Can someone explain this one?

UpTheSlashers

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Can someone explain this one?

two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty

Cheeky_gal

UpTheSlashers wrote: »

two thirty...too thurty......tooth hurty

Who speaks like that though?

Would never in a million years have gotten that

Canis Lupus

Cheeky_gal wrote: »

Can someone explain this one?

awh bless

--Kaiser--

BO-JANGLES wrote: »

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.'

There was this Russian guy, this Spanish guy and this Korean guy all in the same ESL class. The teacher told them to make a sentence using the word 'hostess' for homework.

So the next day the Russian guy goes "Oh I have a good sentence. The hostess was very courteous." And the teacher said "Wow that was really good!"

The Spanish guy goes, "Oh I have a better sentence. My mother is a good hostess when others come over." Then the teacher said, "Wow that was really good!"

Finally the Korean guy goes, "I have the best sentence. When my mother answers the phone, she says 'hostess?'"

this is arse

what did the chinese man do after his wife divorced him?

he went back to wang-king