The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Mr Tibbs

This old farmer from Florida goes down to the lake on his farm with a bucket and is greeted by a very plesent sight. Here is a bunch of nubile young girls jumping into the water naked. So he goes right down by the waterside and the girls start screaming at him. Go away you dirty old man we want to get out and we have no clothes on. The farmers says I didn't come down here to look at you girls sure I didnt even know you were here and with a smile on his face he said I only came down to feed the Alligators.

rolliepoley

In Dublin, a doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red Meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "wedding cake."

rolliepoley

You know it's time to start exercising when...

...You step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you are alone".

The Savage Cabbage

An elephant and a pig are sitting in a bath tub *big bath tub yeah i know* pig says to the elephant, pass me the soap will u? elephant says what do u think i am? a typewriter? (my mate reckons that's the hardest joke in the world to get)

The Savage Cabbage

Did u hear about the constipated mathematician? he worked it out with a pencil!

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

locum-motion

The Savage Cabbage wrote: »

An elephant and a pig are sitting in a bath tub *big bath tub yeah i know* pig says to the elephant, pass me the soap will u? elephant says what do u think i am? a typewriter? (my mate reckons that's the hardest joke in the world to get)

Your mate might just be right. I don't get it, anyway.

The Savage Cabbage

locum-motion wrote: »

Your mate might just be right. I don't get it, anyway.

Nor me, but seemily there is a point to it

Hagar the Nice.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were
lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Hagar the Nice.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, 'Give me six double vodkas.'
The barman says 'Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.'

'Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.'

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, 'I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!'

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said 'Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?'

'Yeah, my wife...'

EoghanIRL

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.
I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

EoghanIRL

What does a hungry clock do?

It goes back four seconds.

saltyjack silverblade

The Savage Cabbage wrote: »

Nor me, but seemily there is a point to it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio

saltyjack silverblade

saltyjack silverblade wrote: »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio

AH! A joke on, you not for you! :cool:

EoghanIRL

No soap radio , hahaha.

Slattsy

I had to quit my job at the recycling plant. My only job was to crush cans all day long. It was soda pressing.

Mariasofia

Slattsy wrote: »

I had to quit my job at the recycling plant. My only job was to crush cans all day long. It was soda pressing.

I feel your pain. I used to work at a shoe recycling plant. It was sole destroying....

Mariasofia

I heard a rumour that Cadburys are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

Allyall

The makers of GTA V have made it impossible to complete..
They've made one of the missions, 'Go outside and talk to a girl'.


Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?

Slattsy

I just found out my wife has been seeing a mime behind my back for the last 10 years

I dont know how they managed to keep it quiet for so long.

Happyman42

Deleted User wrote: »

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Yorkshire man goes to a monumental sculptor and asks him to make a headstone for his much loved late wife. He tells him he wants the lines at the bottom to say, 'she were thine'
3 weeks later he goes to the gravestone and notices to his horror that the sculptor has made a mistake, because it reads,
'she were thin'

He rings the sculptor to complain and tells him that he forgot to put in the 'e'. He is assured it will be fixed. Two weeks later he returns to see it now reads;
'e she were thin'

rolliepoley

There were once two cowboys, one from California and the other from Wyoming, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.

Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.

"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.

rolliepoley

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....

rolliepoley

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies,

"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay."

rolliepoley

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

branie

What's Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary's out of the house

rolliepoley

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "

The third man said, "I died of seenus."

The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call an elephant with no ears ?




















anything you like !
he won't hear you

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call an elephant with no ears ?




















anything you like !
he won't hear you

What!

ireland.man

Two snowmen are walking through a field when one turns to the other one and asks, "Do you smell carrots?"

Capt'n Midnight

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but, nay, his first love be the "C".

windy shepard henderson

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but, nay, his first love be the "C".

given your name i must argue that you have a massive advantage over the other joke tellers on this thread with that last joke!!!:pac:....

Capt'n Midnight

Why aren't elephants good at dancing ?

Because they've two left feet.

Resetting The Password


Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.



Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?



No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.



Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?



Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.



Can I use the old one and just re-register it?



No, you must get a new one.



I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.



Sorry, you must get a new one.



OK, roses.



Sorry you must use more letters.



OK, pretty roses



No good, you must use at least one numerical character.



OK, 1 pretty rose



Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.



OK, 1prettyrose



Sorry, you must use additional characters.



OK, 1fúckingprettyrose



Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.



OK, 1FÚCKINGprettyrose



Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.



OK, 1fúckingprettyrose



Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.



OK, 1fúckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgivemeaccessright****ingnow



Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

rolliepoley

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody ****.

rolliepoley

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

rolliepoley

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

M5

I can't remember when I first heard the phrase "One up the bum, no harm done."

But whoever said it owes me a new guinea pig.

EoghanIRL

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

EoghanIRL

What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy ?

Deer balls , they're under a buck.

EoghanIRL

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today ?

"it is, and dont call me Shirley".

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

Kippure

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro - what a rip off !


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again ? Oh deer !




Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were €70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.


I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you ****ing idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?


A nurse finds a mental patient rubbing his willy between 2 biscuits, she asks "what are u doing?" Mental patient smiles and replies "I'm ****ing crackers"


When i was just a little girl...

I asked my mother what will i be.....

Will i be pretty..

Will i be rich....

Here,s what she said to me..


SON, WE NEED TO TALK!



Paddy ,s been arrested for punching his wife again. The judge asked him, why do you keep beating your wife? Paddy said I thinks its my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork....

EoghanIRL

Airplane :

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes"

" is it your first time ?"

" no , I've been nervous before "

EoghanIRL

" oh my god something is terribly wrong "

"What is it? "

"A pronoun , but that's not important now"

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.


10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.



WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

Hagar the Nice.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb...

lecker Hendl

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase"

Capt'n Midnight

What has four legs and can't walk ?

a dead elephant.