The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Wossack

While out driving with my grandson, we were behind a bin truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare my young grandson's innocence, I turned around and said to him, "Don't worry, that was just an insect". To which my grandson replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a micky like that!"

rolliepoley

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?





A two-ton pickup.

Hownowcow

A guy got sacked from his job in a pet shop.

He was caught with his hand in the Trill.

Capt'n Midnight

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb ?


















Two

rolliepoley

Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.
Zoo keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants know how to ride a bicycle.

EoghanIRL

A man in a hot air baloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

EoghanIRL

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.
The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.
The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she had already "conned" this particular gentleman.) "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.
She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

coolhull

EoghanIRL wrote: »

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.
The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.
The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she had already "conned" this particular gentleman.) "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.
She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

Ok, It's probably me, but I don't get the punchline at all.
Or was that just part one of the joke, with more to come?

coolhull

coolhull wrote: »

Ok, It's probably me, but I don't get the punchline at all.
Or was that just part one of the joke, with more to come?

She's taking an eyeshot while singing...


Depends on your sense of humour if you find it funny or not.

coolhull

Deleted User wrote: »

She's taking an eyeshot while singing...


Depends on your sense of humour if you find it funny or not.

Sorry, still don't get it... Ah well, not to worry.

Bipolar Joe

She has a false eye, and is using it to get yer man off. Not so much a joke as a pretty terrible urban-legend-alike.

Bipolar Joe

What do African animals get baptised in?

An elefont.

Capt'n Midnight

Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

300: Gays kill blacks.

ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.

BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, f*cks one.
BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.

DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.

DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.

E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE: Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.

FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.

FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.

GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.

HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.

IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.

KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.

LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.

LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.

MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.

NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.

POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.

ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
ROCKY: White man beats black man.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.

SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.

STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.

STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.

TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.

THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.

THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.

THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.

TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she ****ed a bum.
TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.

TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.

V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.

WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

Capt'n Midnight

STAR TREK V: Explorers seek God, shoot Him.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to cannibalism.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his physical and mental limitations by lying about his job qualifications.

THE SHINING: Wife and son keep author from finishing his novel.

E.T.: Illegal alien eludes federal authorities.

THE MATRIX: Computer geek quits his job to spend more time playing a superhero in an online game.

SUPERMAN: Vigilante violates laws of nature to protect his interspecies relationship.

Trading Places: Two old men are cruelly tricked out of their life’s savings by a prostitute, a street hustler, and an ex-employee.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: Teenager accidentally seduces own mother, father exploits situation to get book deal.

THE NEW TESTAMENT: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.




And the ever classic.

Wizard of Oz - “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again”

Newaglish

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

She has a false eye, and is using it to get yer man off. Not so much a joke as a pretty terrible urban-legend-alike.

Sorry I don't really get the mechanics of that...?

Hooked

Newaglish wrote: »

Sorry I don't really get the mechanics of that...?

Removes false eye in the dark. Inserts penis into eye cavity. Simultaneously sings national anthem. Guy wonders how she's sucking and singing?

Have 'eye' explained it clearly?

Awful joke...

Hooked

coolhull wrote: »

Ok, It's probably me, but I don't get the punchline at all.
Or was that just part one of the joke, with more to come?

See above. Still an awful joke...

padma

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

EoghanIRL

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.

EoghanIRL

What don't blind people go skydiving ?

It scares their dogs.

How do they know when to pull the parachute?

The leash goes slack.

How do you get a blind person to do a flip ?

Tell their dog to roll over.

GerB40

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

STAR TREK V: Explorers seek God, shoot Him.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to cannibalism.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his physical and mental limitations by lying about his job qualifications.

THE SHINING: Wife and son keep author from finishing his novel.

E.T.: Illegal alien eludes federal authorities.

THE MATRIX: Computer geek quits his job to spend more time playing a superhero in an online game.

SUPERMAN: Vigilante violates laws of nature to protect his interspecies relationship.

Trading Places: Two old men are cruelly tricked out of their life’s savings by a prostitute, a street hustler, and an ex-employee.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: Teenager accidentally seduces own mother, father exploits situation to get book deal.

THE NEW TESTAMENT: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.




And the ever classic.

Wizard of Oz - “Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again”

Ye both forgot the legendary Home Alone - The hilarious tale of two career criminals trying to murder a ten year old child..

GerB40

A man goes into a doctor and say "Doctor doctor I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass Of Home'. The doctor says, "It sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome". The man replies "Tom Jones syndrome? Is that common?" The doctor says "It's not unusual".

Martonio

What Disney movie will Rick Astley never lend you?

He will never give you Up!

EoghanIRL

Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's have a contest, let's try to make this bar rise into the air!" The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain. The second said, "Pft, that's nothing," and the bar shot to the edge of space. Now the first two were waiting for the third. The third then cleverly said, "I can't do it. You've set the bar too high."

rolliepoley

A couple who had been married for 35 years went up to bed. As the wife undressed she said to her husband "Do you remember all those years ago on our honeymoon wnen I stripped for the first time in front of you?" Yes I do, replied the husband. "What did you think as you watched me?" asked the wife. "I remember wanting to f**k your brains out and suck your tits dry" replied the husband. "What do you think now?" asked the wife, stripping off her bra and pants. "I think I did a f***ing good job!" said the husband.

rolliepoley

The devoted girlfriend of a boxing fanatic decided to please him by having some tatoo's done. She visited a local tatoo parlour and requested the faces of her boyfriends favourite boxers Mohamed Ali on one thigh and Sugar Ray Leonard on the other. That night she lay naked on the bed and when her boyfriend came home she called for him to come up to the bedroom. As the boyfriend stood stunned in the doorway she said "Hi Babe, recognise these". The boyfriend took a closer look and replied - "The one on the right thigh is 'Mohamed Ali', the one on the left thigh is 'Sugar Ray Leonard' and the one in the middle is Don King!"

Gloomtastic!

Courtesy of my seven year old son......

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?


















No, you're a poo.

stefan idiot jones

Courtesy of Ricky from The Trailer Park Boys....

Knock Knock,



Who's There ?





















Fcuk Off !

Mr Tibbs

On the ninth date I decided to bring the girlfriend to the latest Batman movie. So far our relationship is dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Banjo String

I was in bed with my Japanese girlfriend, when I happened to remark that her fanny was gettin a bit baggy...



She lost it & screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING !!":eek:

rolliepoley

When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so old girlfriends.

“How’d it go?” I asked when he returned.

“Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.”

EoghanIRL

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

h2o2 is hydrogen peroxide , a strong oxidising agent with similar effect to bleach when swallowed in large amounts .

EoghanIRL

Whys the difference between Hitler and Michael phelps.

Michael phelps can finish a race.

EoghanIRL

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.
The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I dont come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"
The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

Capt'n Midnight

Does anyone know if this IOS 16 Time travel app actually works or not?







I'm such a failure , the add read "Tool Hire" and i still didn't get the job.

donvito99

Irish man goes for a job interview at a blacksmith's.

Blacksmith: Have you ever shooed a horse?

Irishman:

No, but I once told a donkey to fúck off.

Mr Tibbs

rolliepoley wrote: »

The devoted girlfriend of a boxing fanatic decided to please him by having some tatoo's done. She visited a local tatoo parlour and requested the faces of her boyfriends favourite boxers Mohamed Ali on one thigh and Sugar Ray Leonard on the other. That night she lay naked on the bed and when her boyfriend came home she called for him to come up to the bedroom. As the boyfriend stood stunned in the doorway she said "Hi Babe, recognise these". The boyfriend took a closer look and replied - "The one on the right thigh is 'Mohamed Ali', the one on the left thigh is 'Sugar Ray Leonard' and the one in the middle is Don King!"

They say Don King is a right cnut alright.

rolliepoley

What's red and bad for your teeth?





























A brick.

100 DOLLAR BILL

Bob got home late one night and, Becky, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Bob replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.

''A tattoo?' she frowned. '

What kind of tattoo did you get? ''

I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust..

Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? '

Well, I did it for 4 reasons.

· One, I like to watch my money grow.

· Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

· Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,

· Four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.


Bob is recovering in room 234 at St Joseph Hospital ..

rolliepoley

I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat

EoghanIRL

A farmer walks into a lawyers office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
"No sir, we both get up about 4:30am." replies the farmer.
All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."

Hilly Bill

rolliepoley wrote: »

I found out I was a dyslexic when I turned up to a toga party dressed as a goat

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=86528274

And thats were it all went wrong for you

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ...

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

J Cheever Loophole

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Hold it's nose!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

EoghanIRL

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "

EoghanIRL

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 mins later " computer completely fûcked now".

Capt'n Midnight

Bruce Forsyth walks into a sweet shop.

"Can I help you?" asks the assistant.

"Yes" Brucie replies, "Give us a twirl."





"I know this will be a terrible shock, but you're not really our daughter." I explained.

"You'll always be my real dad, so just tell me what happened!"

"Well, your mum wanted a girl, son."




I got myself a divers outfit for Halloween.

A Real Madrid kit with Ronaldos names on the back.

Hagar the Nice.

What do ye call a Scots woman that decorates yer bathroom??





Bonnie Tiler.

OK,my jokes can break hearts at times.