The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

This isn't a joke as such but I'm sure everyone on here has been pissed off by the phone call from some arsehole claiming to be from Microsoft so when I received a call at 11.30 I decided to have some fun with 'Jack.'
Him. 'Hello,I am Jack from Microsoft Windows.'
Me. 'Hold on pal,I'm gonna ask my wife if she needs new windows.'
Him.'No no sir,its Microsoft here.'
Me.'Hold on,now you are saying you are a guy called Mike Rowsoft,what happened to Jack,has he gone for brunch or a piss.'
Him.'Sir,are you trying to annoy me,I am trying to fix your computer.'
Me.'Are you a nutjob,how do you know I've a computer,eh'
Him' Everybody had a computer.'
Me.'Even old Mrs Jones next door who is 94 and has arthritis in both arms and is nearly blind,are you f++++++ stupid you arsehole.'
Him.'Bugger off.'
Me.'Have a nice day.'

Flibbles

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

This isn't a joke as such but I'm sure everyone on here has been pissed off by the phone call from some arsehole claiming to be from Microsoft so when I received a call at 11.30 I decided to have some fun with 'Jack.'
Him. 'Hello,I am Jack from Microsoft Windows.'
Me. 'Hold on pal,I'm gonna ask my wife if she needs new windows.'
Him.'No no sir,its Microsoft here.'
Me.'Hold on,now you are saying you are a guy called Mike Rowsoft,what happened to Jack,has he gone for brunch or a piss.'
Him.'Sir,are you trying to annoy me,I am trying to fix your computer.'
Me.'Are you a nutjob,how do you know I've a computer,eh'
Him' Everybody had a computer.'
Me.'Even old Mrs Jones next door who is 94 and has arthritis in both arms and is nearly blind,are you f++++++ stupid you arsehole.'
Him.'Bugger off.'
Me.'Have a nice day.'

Best answer - "I use Ubuntu"

They freak out.

Hagar the Nice.

I went to a strip club last night. I could smell something coming from between the lap dancer's legs. I said "Excuse me, what's that smell?"
She said seductively "Have you seen that movie, 'Scent Of A Woman'?
I said "No love, but I've seen 'A Fish Called Wanda'".

Hagar the Nice.

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"

She said, "Thirty quid."

I said, "Can you do twenty?"

"Yeah, okay" she replied.

I said, "Great, here's £600 then."

Dave H

I grilled a chicken last night.
Still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road.

nootroc

A girl was telling her friend about her date the previous night.

'It was very frustrating' she said 'he gave up just as I was about to give in'

rolliepoley

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

rolliepoley

An old couple was going to bed. As soon as they were under the covers, the old man rips a big fart. His wife looks at him and he says. "Fart football, I'm up 7-0" His wife gives him a sidelong glance but doesn't say anything. A little while later she lets a fart and says, "7-7". The old man doesn't say anything but answers back with a fart soon enough and says "14-7". It doesn't take long until the old woman ties the score, then within a minute squeaks out a little one. The old man remarks sarcastically, "What was THAT?" "Field goal" she replies, "I'm up 14-17" This made the old man mad. He didn't like being behind so he tried really hard and bigger than Dallas, he ****s the bed. His wife screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!" Sheepishly the old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

EoghanIRL

A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just **** my pants."

EoghanIRL

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame

iMac_Hunt

I got thrown out of a Muslim clothes shop today for asking where the bomber jackets were...... Touchy bastards

Hagar the Nice.

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Hagar the Nice.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Cool story bro!

edit: Or I should that has a cool ring to it!

Busted Flat.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Did you ever try a twirliwirly ?.

Hagar the Nice.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Did you ever try a twirliwirly ?.

Eh? What sort of person do you take me for!!!

MonsterCookie

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Reminds me of the old one about George Michael being done for shoving a chocolate bar up his hole...it was a careless wispa...:D

Mariasofia

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Did it leave you a wibbly wobbly wonder?

Howard Juneau

Mariasofia wrote: »

Did it leave you a wibbly wobbly wonder?

No, but it did give him a chilli willi

donegal__road

Paddy goes on a trip to Romania, and meets a Romanian girl for a few drinks. Things are going well between them so he proposes that they spend the night together in his hotel for a shag, he would pay her €200. She agrees, everything works out well...

so he suggests that they meet up again the following night, and for another €200 they would have a shag... and she agrees... all goes well.

Again he suggests that they meet up on the third night and do the same again, have a shag for €200, and she agrees..

so after the third night together, the Romanian girls asks Paddy where in Ireland he is from... to which he replies 'Donegal'

'I have a sister that lives there' she says....

'I know' says Paddy... 'the day I was leaving she gave me €600 and asked me to give it to you'

Busted Flat.

Passing out parade in the marines the sargent major had all the guys in the line, as he went along the line to inspect them, he hit the first one with his stick in the leg, he said did that hurt, no replied the soldier for I am a marine, the next one he hit across the shines, he said did that hurt, no came the reply for I am a marine, the next he came to had a big pr1ck sticking out in front of him, the sarge hit it with his stick, and said did that hurt, the marine replied no sir, why said the sarge, the marine because it belongs to to the guy behind me,

Busted Flat.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Passing out parade in the marines the sargent major had all the guys in the line, as he went along the line to inspect them, he hit the first one with his stick in the leg, he said did that hurt, no replied the soldier for I am a marine, the next one he hit across the shines, he said did that hurt, no came the reply for I am a marine, the next he came to had a big pr1ck sticking out in front of him, the sarge hit it with his stick, and said did that hurt, the marine replied no sir, why said the sarge, the marine because it belongs to to the guy behind me,

My neighbours said OUCH!

They’re Shines

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

branie

How did John Travolta break his neck?

He slipped on Grease

EoghanIRL

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of sprite.

only to realise when I got home i had picked 7up.

eisenberg1

branie wrote: »

How did John Travolta break his neck?

He slipped on Grease

Sweet divine jeses....................

Redbrunette

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Redbrunette

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Allyall

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Sweet divine jeses....................

Redbrunette wrote: »

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halou-mi

Sweet divine cheeses....................

Busted Flat.

A 95 year old man called into his doctor, his complaint was his sex drive was to high, can you give me something to lower it the doctor replied what are you complaining about, that is remarkable for a man of your age. You do not understand doctor he replied, it is all in me head, I want to lower it to between me legs.

Capt'n Midnight

PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
Mark Jordan, e-mail



IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.
Carlos, Northern Ireland




CINEMA BUILDERS. Don't bother installing a front row of seats, nobody ever uses them. Simply start with the second row.
Dave Stuttard, Warrington





LECTURERS. Clear nail varnish makes ideal tippex for correcting mistakes on overhead transparencies.
P A Hallows, Manchester

EoghanIRL

There's a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

But none of them work.

EoghanIRL

Why do Jehovah witness' not celebrate Halloween?

Because they don't like random people knocking on their door.

rolliepoley

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

rolliepoley

A woman opens her front door on Halloween night and finds a little boy in a pirate costume. "Oh, what an adorable pirate!" she exclaims. "Where are your buccaneers?"

"Under my buccan hat," he replies.

EoghanIRL

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"

Mr Tibbs

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

I shoved an ice lolly up my bum earlier,it was fab.

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

rolliepoley

What do you do if a bird s**ts on your car?

































Don’t ask her out again.

rolliepoley

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Was it a Wibble Wobble Wonder.

No it was an ice cream lolly, and when he pulled it back out, it became a choc-ice.

rolliepoley

What’s the first sign of Madness?


















Suggs walking up your driveway.

rolliepoley

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely. And so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company. After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time. He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me.

At this point, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, I heard you the first time. hang on a minute, I'm putting on my shoes!"

EoghanIRL

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

rolliepoley

What do Mexicans have underneath their carpets ?
























Underlay, Underlay.

RedFormanFITA

Benjamin Button
Benjamin who?
Benjamin
Who's there?
Knock, knock.

Allyall

What does a nosey pepper do?
























Gets jalapeno business.

What do you call a fake noodle?




































An Impasta

Busted Flat.

A little mouse was following an elephant around the jungle for months shouting gives us a ride, she soon got pissed of with the mouse, one day the elephant said right on, lets go over there under the coconut tree and do it. The little mouse was going like the hammers, then a coconut fell on the elephants head and she went ouch, the mouse said did I hurt you babe.

Howard Juneau

^^^
Another version.
An elephant is crying in the jungle and a mouse pokes his head up and asks, "what's wrong miss?"
The elephant sobs, " A thorn is stuck in my foot & it hurts sooo much"
The mouse sees the thorn & reckons he can get it out but asks "if I get the thorn out, will you shag me?"
The elephant says "yes! Please take the thorn out"
So, the mouse reaches up & takes our the thorn, and tells her to turn around so he can get a jump.
Elephant turns around & sees two monkeys in the tree sniggering. The mouse takes a running jump onto a rock & starts shagging the elephant. At this, the monkeys start bursting out laughing. The mouse is going hammer & tongs & the monkeys are still laughing and start throwing coconuts at the elephant, harder & harder until the elephant looks up & shouts, "stop! I can't take it anymore"
To which the mouse replied.
"Oh, you'll take it b*tch!"

RedFormanFITA

What do you call a Spanish man who's just left hospital?

Manuel.



What do you call a Spanish man who can't remember where his car is parked?

Carlos.



What do you call a man carrying two shovels?

Doug.


What do you call a man carrying one shovel?

Lazy bast..., no Douglas (dug less, get it?)

Gitb1

zerks wrote: »

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Ive never gotten this joke

EoghanIRL

Gitb1 wrote: »

Ive never gotten this joke

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge ?

The door won't close.

How do you know there's two elephants in your fridge ?

You hear giggles when the lights go out.


By the way : elephant jokes are supposed to be ridiculous

coolhull

EoghanIRL wrote: »

How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge ?

The door won't close.

How do you know there's two elephants in your fridge ?

You hear giggles when the lights go out.


By the way : elephant jokes are supposed to be ridiculous

And so they are...