The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL

I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed.

'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'

RedFormanFITA

Flibbles wrote: »

Who's the homophobic racist whose popularity is way out of proportion?

Chuck Norris.

Please address all complaints about Chuck Norris to:

Liveline
c/o Joe Duffy
RTE
Donnybrook
Dublin 4

I'm sure he'll be glad to hear from another moaner.

Capt'n Midnight

Chuck Norris is just an actor. If he could really do that stuff he'd be here mashing my face into my keybosdlk h7oiu8jbh n
as fd

avccx

f

Capt'n Midnight

* I love going to the park, watching the kids running around, yelling... 'cause they don't know I'm using blanks!

* I was in the park the other day with my nephew. He got on one of the swings and went "Come on, Uncle Emo! Give me a big push!"
So I went over and pushed him with all of my might.
But he said "No, Uncle Emo! I want a big push!"
So I went back about 10 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might.
And he still goes "No, Uncle Emo! I want a really big push!"
So I went back 50 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might!
And my nephew still goes "NO, Uncle Emo! I wanna really, really BIG push!"
So I backed up the Buick...

* I was in this computer store the other day, and this tiny little computer beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing!

* A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

* At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge $5 for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

* Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

* I was in this bar, nursing a beer. And my nipple was getting quite soggy...

* I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

* I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

* I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs.
Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

* I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious.

* But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.

* I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

* Oh, yes, I've tried my hand at sex.

* So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

* If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

* One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

* One day my father asked me, "Do you love the Lord?"
I said, "Yes."
He said, "Then stand up and shout, 'Hallelujah!'"
So I did, and I fell off the roller coaster.

* Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

* The guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

* When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas...

* Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

* You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

* You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...
Damn anthropologists.

* I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

* I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I though, "how did this get into bed with me?"

* I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him.

* They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

* Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

* Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

* Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

* My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

* When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

* My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

* My teacher said "Emo, am I stupid or are you cheating?" I said, "Yes and no."

* My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour...

* My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

* When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.

* I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

* Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

* I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

* My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

* So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

* I've learned about women the hard way. Through books.

* Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

* At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

* My girlfriend said "Just buy me something crazy and expensive — something I don't even need!" So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

* All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

* I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

* I was sleeping the other night. Alone. Thanks to the exterminator.

* My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

* You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

* Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

* I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

* I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

* My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

* When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me -- according to the letter.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

* I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

* Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

* My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a degenerate debauchee'. I said, 'that's a big word for fifth grade!'

* Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

* Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

* I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

* Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

* I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder, por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"

* I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

* People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

* I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized — well, look what's telling me this!

* I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

* I had the weirdest experience. I'm walking here and I say to myself "my gosh, that's Jimmy Petersen. I haven't seen him since I was nine". And I walked up to him and I slapped him on the back and I said "how's it going, you old rascal?" And he starts crying... And I say to myself, "wait a second, if that's Jimmy Petersen, he would have grown up too!" I mean, sure, now it's obvious...

* I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

* I was in Jerusalem last year. I felt so embarrassed, you know. I was standing there at the Wailing Wall, like a moron, you know, with my harpoon...

* I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

* Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of 'Not this again' and 'Hey, where d'you learn that?'

* I dropped out of science when I was a kid, so I only know two things about science. Water freezes at 23 degrees Fahrenheit, and if you have two competing theories, you try not to choose the one that involves a magic spell.

* Aaarrrgh! Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

* My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

* My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

* When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."

* My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"

* At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. you know!

* And you know, my mom, she's quite nosy. The other day, I caught her going through my socks and underwear... And it tickled! She doesn't like to ask me... If she needs change, she'll dig for it. And my grandmother, we're very close. In fact, I just bought her a Christmas present. It's an authentic Chicago Bears football helmet. It's not that she's a big fan... The main thing is, I don't want her to be going on that I fitted her ceiling fan too low. It put a stop to that claptrap!

* Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

* I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."

* Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

* I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...

* I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

* But... Life is so precious. My cousin died the other day. Aged nineteen. Stung by a bee: the natural enemy of the tight-rope walker. And now my sister's really paranoid about bugs. We're at a picnic, and she starts shouting "Emo, there's a bug in my eye! Do something!" You know... So I get the insecticide... What can you do?

* One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

* Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

* My sister married a German. Which I admit is not the most efficient way to get back at them. I'm at a deli with her husband. He says, "Emo, I can't get a good bagel back in Germany!" I said, "well, whose fault is that?"

* Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

* I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

* They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

* But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

* But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

rolliepoley

Two Middle -Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.'
This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now, though,' Mom confides.

'Oh, so sad, dear,' says the other.'

And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh, I remember him", says the other happily. 'He had such curly hair when he was born.'

He's a martyr too,' says Mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically. 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr, also,' says Mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

returnNull

Whats red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Whats the best thing about burn victims?

They stick together.

rolliepoley

A man goes to confession and says,'Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.'
The Priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the Priest questions, 'Who is Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in town,' the sinner replies.

'Very well,' sighs the Priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At Mass the next morning, as the Priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The Priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart and obviously not wearing any panties.

The Priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, 'No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.'

EoghanIRL

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

EoghanIRL

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon . As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

That's an expensive duck bill.

Capt'n Midnight

If I could take Abba out to lunch I would, my friend, for Nandos.

Mr Tibbs

Paddy was in the pub having a drink with a German and a Japanese. Suddenly a phone rang and the Japanese put his finger in his ear saying brand new technology phone inserted into finger. A minute later the German pulled up his sleeve and looked at his arm saying brand new technology I have a computer inserted into my arm. F*ck this thinks Paddy so he goes out go the jacks and come back in with toilet paper hanging out of his arse saying I have to go lads the wife just sent me a Fax.

rolliepoley

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her Suzy. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.

Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

He replied, s**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to tease it with meat!"

rolliepoley

A teacher asks her kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches'

Second pupil: 'Nytol Teacher'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: Viagra.
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little s**t will get harder.'

rolliepoley

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that Joe kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."

More a funny story than a joke, but so what! :P

Her First Date




If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it.
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.





Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.


The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!





She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.


Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'


Oh and how did the first date turn out?


He became her husband and was sitting next to her


on the Leno show.

Old Dan Tucker

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker.

One's a Snack cracker and the other's a Crack snacker.

Scorpion Sting

Broke into the home of a Goodfellas actor, but got caught by his children. I'd have got away with it too, if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

chughes

jebforever wrote: »

Broke into the home of a Goodfellas actor, but got caught by his children. I'd have got away with it too, if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

Did he leave them Home Alone???

Scorpion Sting

chughes wrote: »

Did he leave them Home Alone???

Yeah he was Gone Fishin'.

Howard Juneau

jebforever wrote: »

Yeah he was Gone Fishin'.

No one will get that ref coz no bugger saw the film!

EoghanIRL

How do you make a hormone ?

You pay her.

stefan idiot jones

EoghanIRL wrote: »

How do you make a hormone ?

You pay her.

You mean you don't pay her/him.

EoghanIRL

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

You mean you don't pay her/him.

I don't think you get the joke.

stefan idiot jones

How easy is it to get a fat girl into bed ?




A piece of cake.

rolliepoley

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered! The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!
She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!"

The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

locum-motion

EoghanIRL wrote: »

How do you make a hormone ?

You pay her.

stefan idiot jones wrote: »

You mean you don't pay her/him.

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I don't think you get the joke.

No, Eoghan, I don't think YOU get the joke.

Stefan, despite being a self-confessed idiot, has at least managed to grasp the concept that a whore will be a little pi55ed off if you refuse to pay her*, and will therefore probably moan about it.

*I do think, however, that referring to the whore as "her/him" is pushing the bounds of political correctness and equal-opportunity employment a little too far.

locum-motion

Q: Why does the River Shannon run through Limerick?














A:

Well, would YOU walk through it?

EoghanIRL

locum-motion wrote: »

No, Eoghan, I don't think YOU get the joke.

Stefan, despite being a self-confessed idiot, has at least managed to grasp the concept that a whore will be a little pi55ed off if you refuse to pay her*, and will therefore probably moan about it.

*I do think, however, that referring to the whore as "her/him" is pushing the bounds of political correctness and equal-opportunity employment a little too far.

There's always one who doesn't get it . In this case two.

EoghanIRL

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

DoozerT6

Why did Lt. Uhura cry?

Because William Shatner

tfitzgerald

artanevilla wrote: »

If you've to explain a joke there's no point....

There is no joke in that post that can be explained as a matter of fact that statement is a bit of a joke or as someone I know would say. A load of fcukoligy

rolliepoley

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

EoghanIRL

Must refrain from posting Madeleine McCann jokes....

EoghanIRL

Paul O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

rolliepoley

Paddy and Mick and their wives went out camping one weekend. Paddy and Mick slept in one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Mick woke up and yelled, "Wow,
unbelievable!"
Which woke Paddy.
"What's going on?" said Paddy.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Mick.
"How come?" said Paddy .
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Mick.
After a pause, Paddy said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Mick.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Paddy.

stefan idiot jones

What do you call a smart blonde ?










A Golden Retriever.

EoghanIRL

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
:P

dr.bollocko

mod:

Maddie jokes belong in nein11.

EoghanIRL

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shït in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.
Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shît". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives.
Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shît". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background.
The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?"
"Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade."
The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

Mr Tibbs

John Gilligan's first day out of prison sees him going to the dentist with a terrible toothache as he was terrified of the one in prison. He sits down on the chair and the dentist proceeds to give him an injection when he reaches down and grabs the dentist by the balls saying. We're not going to hurt each other now are we

EoghanIRL

Got in touch with my inner self today....





last time I buy cheap toilet paper....

:P

EoghanIRL

"Twenty Euros," she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the cop. "I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"

RikkFlair

Did you hear about the midget that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He got dragged under by the currant.

LizT

Mod

Keep the racist jokes in Nein 11 please.

Banjo String

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please" ...

EoghanIRL

Banjo String wrote: »

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please" ...

This joke made my day better. Thank you

rolliepoley

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone: "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responds, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Capt'n Midnight

Banjo String wrote: »

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says "five beers please" ...

That's just so Juvenal

evolving_doors

Woman goes to alternative medicine doctor as she just can;t get any guy to go out with her.

"Doctor, Doctor I just can;t get any guy to go out with me" says the woman..
"Hmmmm". says the Doctor stroking his goatee..."Take off all your clothes and get down on all fours"..

So the woman proceeds to do so..

"Now walk on all fours over to that window" says the doctor..

So the woman proceeds to do so...

"Now turn around and walk back on all fours towards me with your head up"..

So the woman proceeds to do so...

"Hmmm" says the doctor "put your clothes back on"

So the woman proceeds to do so...

"I'm afraid the reason why you can't get dates is because you have Ed Zakery disease" says the Doctor
.
.
.
"Oh my god" says the woman "what is Ed Zakery disease?"
.
.
"Your head look Ed Zakery like your Ass, ha ha ha" says the doctor