The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

mark_jmc

I was in my friends house the other night when he looked over at his pregnant wife and asked me if I'd like to feel the baby kick, in hindsight I think he meant from the outside..

EoghanIRL

mark_jmc wrote: »

I was in my friends house the other night when he looked over at his pregnant wife and asked me if I'd like to feel the baby kick, in hindsight I think he meant from the outside..

We have all been there

EoghanIRL

two deer are leaving a gay bar.

one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"

Sunnyisland

Sad News From The Nestle Factory Today As A Man Was Crushed To Death By Hundreds Of Boxes Of Chocolate.

He Tried In Vain To Free Himself, But Every Time He Yelled 'The Milky Bars Are On Me !!' People Just Cheered....

Curly Judge

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."

Sunnyisland

David Beckham

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough ?"

Driver replies "No you thick pillock, where do you want to go?

rolliepoley

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

EoghanIRL

You've got to hand it to midgets

Because they cant reach it themselves

rolliepoley

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spatt it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

EoghanIRL

I couldn't hire that midget chef cause the steaks were too high.

Curly Judge

Hi Helpline,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed in the farmyard behind the Massey 135. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the exaust manifold.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole thing?

rolliepoley

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

rolliepoley

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Sunnyisland

:o:PA guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female."
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White."
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows herself up!":D:cool:

J Cheever Loophole

Bloke just knocked on my door.

I opened it and he was about 3ft 3inches tall.

I said "Who are you?"

He said "I'm the meter man."

:pac:

EoghanIRL

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

EoghanIRL

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.

Busted Flat.

EoghanIRL wrote: »

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Considering the mayhem and the cost to the world, in injuries and deaths to young kids by the tyrant that started the destruction of another state, IMOP that is a sad joke.

Curly Judge

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Considering the mayhem and the cost to the world, in injuries and deaths to young kids by the tyrant that started the destruction of another state, IMOP that is a sad joke.

It's a joke...geddit....a bloody joke!
To my mind the one about the boy with the gloves is worse but either way hardly the end of civilization as we know it?

Howard Juneau

rolliepoley

Murphy walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies very interested in me – they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Murphy happily gets up to leave. ”By the way,” asks the boss as Murphy is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?” "If you must know," says Murphy, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."

EoghanIRL

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be ****ing hilarious.

MonkieSocks

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.




The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Hagar the Nice.

A drunk walks into a library and says, "Can I have fish and chips, please?"
The woman says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The drunk says, "Oh, sorry!" then whispers, "Can I have fish and chips, please?"

Anyone

I ordered a latte at Starbucks.

The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo.

"That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it."

"Thank you sir," he smiled, "That will be €19.99."

rolliepoley

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?" His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son." The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?" Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son." Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?" Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son." The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

EoghanIRL

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

FanadMan

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

Has to be one of the most unfunniest jokes ever

Howard Juneau

FanadMan wrote: »

Has to be one of the most unfunniest jokes ever

Would you prefer pogostick?

MonkieSocks

My three year old son was trying to open a Yoghurt today.

After a few minutes he began to get stressed and said "stupid Fooking lid".

My wife looked at me and said “where’d he got that from?".










I said “The Fridge, you stupid Fooking bitch"

padma

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Anyone

I was sat with my girlfriend's dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing photos made an appearance.
"Here she is in the bath. She hates me showing this to anyone."
He just looked at me and said, "Fúck off out of my house."

rolliepoley

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can **** me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll **** you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'

EoghanIRL

Don't fart in an apple store

Because they don't have windows.

:P

EoghanIRL

I just had my first prostate examination.

Worst dentist ever.

FanadMan

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Don't fart in an apple store

Because they don't have windows.

:P

That's so bad, it's good

coolhull

FanadMan wrote: »

That's so bad, it's good

I wouldn't go that far.

EoghanIRL

coolhull wrote: »

I wouldn't go that far.

Tough crowd .. Jeez

rolliepoley

FanadMan wrote: »

That's so bad, it's good

That's so good, it smells bad.

rolliepoley

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the president.

“Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.”

“Ahh, very good. Thank you,” replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”

“Why?” asked the president.

“Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.”

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.”

“I see, very good,” replied the president.

Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

“That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhea!”

Rather stunned, the president asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, i creamed myself ”

EoghanIRL

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

rolliepoley

Little Johnny's mother took him to a local department store one morning to see Santa,
As Little Johnny was approaching Santa, Santa asked "and what do you want for Christmas little boy?" followed by a laughter of HO! HO! HO!
Little Johnny replied, well that's mighty generous of you Santa, but one 'HO' will do me just fine!

rolliepoley

A scuba diver gets arrested for having sex with a dolphin. His wife is furious. “Caught making love to a dolphin! “How could you?” she says. That’s it I’m leaving you.” “Doesn’t bother me,” he says. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!”

EoghanIRL

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"

I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

Comer1

rolliepoley wrote: »

A scuba diver gets arrested for having sex with a dolphin. His wife is furious. “Caught making love to a dolphin! “How could you?” she says. That’s it I’m leaving you.” “Doesn’t bother me,” he says. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!”

Dolphins are not fish. Pity, this joke could have been so good. :-(

EoghanIRL

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

padma

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.



Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.



She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.



The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"



His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

.

.





"Well, I'm in the pub next to it!"

Iano_128

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."

Iano_128

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."

Mariasofia

An elderly couple have just learned how to send texts. The wife a romantic at heart, while out shopping one day decides to text the husband at home.
It reads : I love you. If you are sleeping send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me a smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are crying send me your tears.
The husbands reply is : Im on the toilet. Please advise.