The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Allyall

Trampolines used to be called Jumpolines, until yer ma got on one.

Iano_128

I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.

"Fat bastard!" I yelled at him.

Mr Tibbs

Comer1 wrote: »

Dolphins are not fish. Pity, this joke could have been so good. :-(

Oh lighten up will you

Comer1

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Oh lighten up will you

Right back at ya:)

wingbacknr5

rolliepoley wrote: »

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

A man exposes himself to 2 elderly ladies in the park.

One had a stroke

The other couldn't reach.

major bill

A Polish man goes to Specsavers for an eye test.The optician shows him the test card with C Z W J N Y S A C Z on it and asks him if he can read it.

The Polish bloke says,"Read it? I ****ing know him!"

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but




prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need


arose.





As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found


locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located


who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his


blood for the Arab.





After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for


Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.





A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a


corrective surgery.





The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to


donate his blood again.





After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you


card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates.





The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his


kind gesture as he had anticipated.





He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that


you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a


thank-you card and a box of chocolates."





To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins! "

digger2d2

Two fish in a tank and one says to the other....... "Can you drive this thing"?

EoghanIRL

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I'm shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

That's deep!

I'm hooked.

Comer1

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I'm shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

That's deep!

I'm hooked.

Is this like, your full time job now? :-)

In Exile

BED SHEETS
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost.

J Cheever Loophole

I’ve just set up my own rock band. We’re called 999 Megabytes - unfortunately we don’t have a gig yet.

Capt'n Midnight

My 86-year-old Grandad's always got a song in his heart.

Somehow his pacemaker picks up 2FM

Capt'n Midnight

I find the official story about the Kennedy assassination - that Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from the window of a book depository in Dallas - to be a little bit implausible.

A book depository in Texas ?

Curly Judge

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied, "Do you remember that jewellers' we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?"

Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, "Yes, of course I remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

padma

Curly Judge wrote: »

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied, "Do you remember that jewellers' we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?"

Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, "Yes, of course I remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

You stole my joke from two days ago

FanadMan

padma wrote: »

You stole my joke from two days ago

And I stole if from you and posted it somewhere else :P

Curly Judge

padma wrote: »

You stole my joke from two days ago

Apologies!
I'll have to contact my British supplier.
He's getting a bit slow with the posting.

biko

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

Curly Judge

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Nodster

An Australian poetry competition held in the Sydney opera house had come down to two finalists, an university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and had two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word. The word they were given was TIMBUKTU.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate ,he stepped to the microphone and said,
SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN
MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU

The crowd went crazy, no way the old aboriginal could top that they thought,
the aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited

ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP UP TENT
THEY WERE THREE AND WE WERE TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU

the aboriginal won

inc21

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I’ve just set up my own rock band. We’re called 999 Megabytes - unfortunately we don’t have a gig yet.

isn't gig 1024 mb?

Allyall

inc21 wrote: »

isn't gig 1024 mb?

Megabits

Peanut Butter Jelly

inc21 wrote: »

isn't gig 1024 mb?

It is indeed.

GerB40

[Deleted User] wrote: »

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but




prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need


arose.





As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found


locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located


who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his


blood for the Arab.





After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for


Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.





A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a


corrective surgery.





The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to


donate his blood again.





After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you


card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates.





The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his


kind gesture as he had anticipated.





He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that


you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a


thank-you card and a box of chocolates."





To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins! "

I


















heard
















that






















one













before.

Gloomtastic!

GerB40 wrote: »

I heard that one before.

Before what?

Busted Flat.

GerB40 wrote: »

I




















heard
















that






















one













before.

Some of the jokes here are twenty or more years old, so what, it is good to hear them again, nothing wrong with that. There jokes.

Copy













&











Paste
















sometimes



















adds

















cr's














&

















LF's























:mad:

Copy













&











Paste
















sometimes



















adds

















cr's














&

















LF's























:mad:

and quick reply does it twice :rolleyes:

Sunnyisland

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light...

No madam, said the gardener…

Sunnyisland

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife."

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! G-d loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Sunnyisland

:D
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED

CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a

Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY

NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet,

and when they go, they take your house and car

with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN

THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS


Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and

breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while

taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.
:):D

rivaldo2000

man walks up too prostitute and asks how much for the ride. she replies 200 euro. man says i only have 100 euro can i just stick in half it. no bother she says but only half. man drops pants and rams it straight in to her. stop stop you were only supppose to stick in half. i know he says but i paid for the second half

Sunnyisland

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach

A human hair can hold 7kg

The length of the penis is three times the length of a mans thumb

The femur is as hard as concrete

A woman's heart beats faster than a mans

Women blink twice as much as men

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance while we stand





:rolleyes: the women is still taking in the whole text while the man is still looking at his thumb :P

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but




prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need


arose.





As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found


locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located


who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his


blood for the Arab.





After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for


Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.





A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a


corrective surgery.





The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to


donate his blood again.





After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you


card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates.





The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his


kind gesture as he had anticipated.





He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that


you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a


thank-you card and a box of chocolates."





To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins! "

I














Loved that













joke,












thank you so





















much









for



















sharing it with us.












Yours sincerely














Hamish.

Hagar the Nice.

rivaldo2000 wrote: »

man walks up too prostitute and asks how much for the ride. she replies 200 euro. man says i only have 100 euro can i just stick in half it. no bother she says but only half. man drops pants and rams it straight in to her. stop stop you were only supppose to stick in half. i know he says but i paid for the second half

Must have been very tall prozzies if he had to walk too them.:)

major bill

A Man was walking past a pet shop one day going to work when a parrot shouts at him "Hey you, ye fat bastard ye" The Man was angry, but he continued on his way.

On the way home, He passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey you!! ye Fat Bastard ye" Furious, the Man stormed into the shop and threatened to sue the owner.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, the man deliberately passed by the shop to test the parrot. "Hey You!!" it said.

The man goes over and says "what?"

"You know what!!!... ."

3rdDegree

^^^^^^ That really make me laugh ^^^^^

A very quiet and innocent young priest was visiting a convent in a very bad and seedy part of town. As he got of out of taxi, a working girl shouted out, "Hey fadder, 25 quid for a blowjob!". He was both mortified and confused. He had no idea what a blowjob was. He ignored the girl and walked on towards the convent. As he approached the door, another young woman shouted "fadder, 25 quid for a blowjob". Were these women offering him work or something? He ignored her and knocked on the convent door.

As he was answered and greeted by the mother superior, he asked sheepishly, "Mother, can you tell me please, what is a blowjob?".
"25 quid, same as outside" she replied.

EoghanIRL

A man went to a library and asked for a book on committing suicide.

The librarian replied, "**** off, you won't bring it back"

EoghanIRL

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

:P

Curly Judge

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend has just spent £100 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight."

padma

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what are you talking about?’” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?”and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.” :P

EoghanIRL

Why did Barbie never get pregnant

Because Ken came in a different box.

rolliepoley

A toad with a yellow penis wants to fit in with the other toads in the neighborhood, so he decides to see the local wizard.

"You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas, because I can't help you," says the wizard.

The next day, an elephant comes in with a pink penis and asks the the wizard to make it gray.

Once again, the wizard says, "You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas."

"How do I get there?"

"Oh, it's easy -- just follow the yellow-d**ked toad."

Witchie

I stole my mates drink but I didn't like it.

It wasn't my cup of tea.

Iano_128

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

rolliepoley

What's a wok?



























Something you throw at a wabbit.

rolliepoley

A woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. She takes out a personal ad and corresponds with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

rolliepoley

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch?




























The dog quits barking when you let it in!