The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

J Cheever Loophole

This story takes place on a Native American reservation. One night, it was very, very cold; so cold that people had to bundle together to stay warm.

Coincidently, nine months later, at the reservation hospital, there were so many women in labor on the same day that every bed in the maternity ward was full. When another woman came in, the staff found a deer skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to provide for her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Another woman came in, so the staff found a buffalo skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to healthy twin baby boys....

Finally, yet another woman came in. The staff scrambled around, and found the skin of a hippopotamus (a traveling circus had been passing through the area earlier that year and their hippo had died...). They stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to triplets - three healthy baby boys.

The story is just another validation of a well-known truism:

"The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

:pac:

bonzodog2

rolliepoley wrote: »

What's a wok?







Something you throw at a wabbit.

When you haven't got a wifle.

EoghanIRL

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

Three men shipwrecked on an island: a chemist, a physicist and an economist. All that washes ashore is a case of canned beans. But no can opener...not even a knife or sharp stone in sight. Chemist has a solution: set can in a tidal pool and reaction to sea water will corrode metal. Physicist: "Stupid idea...salt water will ruin the beans. Do this: put can in fire and pressure will build a rupture can." Chemist: "Stupid idea. Beans will blow all over the place". Economist: "You're both dumb...you don't see the obvious solutions to all problems like we economists do." So they ask: "What's the solution?" The economist says "Simple...first we assume we have a can opener...

NuckingFacker

A rough looking lad rocks up to a nightclub and the bouncers refuse him for not wearing a tie. He comes back 10 minutes later with a set of jump-leads around his neck. The bouncers said he could come in as long as he didn't start anything.

NuckingFacker

NuckingFacker wrote: »

A rough looking lad rocks up to a nightclub and the bouncers refuse him for not wearing a tie. He comes back 10 minutes later with a set of jump-leads around his neck. The bouncers said he could come in as long as he didn't start anything.

He couldn't have anyway as he forgot to bring the battery! :pac:

NuckingFacker

Deleted User wrote: »

He couldn't have anyway as he forgot to bring the battery! :pac:

You'd need a salt as well.

Busted Flat.

Deleted User wrote: »

He couldn't have anyway as he forgot to bring the battery! :pac:

If you are young enough you are already carrying the charge, you would be able enough to start anything. God be with the days.

NuckingFacker

NuckingFacker wrote: »

You'd need a salt as well.

That happens after he gets charged!

NuckingFacker

Deleted User wrote: »

That happens after he gets charged!

I snorted anyway:D

A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip and yelled,

"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You're gonna need more ammo!"

Healy Rae Permit Holder

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

Boss's wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email said:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English.

rolliepoley

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" "None," answered little Norman. "None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic." "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

rolliepoley

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Sunnyisland

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday ?" I replied.:D;):D

rolliepoley

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

Comer1

Anyone hear June Rogers on Joe Duffy today? Pretty much a certainty that she is subscribed to this thread. Try making up your own material June, like a real comedian.

evolving_doors

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

Boss's wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email said:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English.

Similar to helping your uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, “D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?”
The doctor says, “Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.”
So he examines him and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”
The guy says, “Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?”
The doctor says, “Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords...”
The guy says, “Wwwat cccan we ddo?”
The doctor advises, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”
The guy says, “Dddeal....Dddo it!”

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, “Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on”

The doctor says, “P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.!!!

Collie D

A nun, a supermodel, Bertie Ahern and Mick from Dublin are sharing a compartment on a train. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes black. All of a sudden they hear a loud "SMACK" and when the train re-emerges from the tunnel Bertie has a big red handprint on the side of his face.

The nun thinks to herself: That creep must have got handsy with the supermodel when we went into the tunnel and she smacked him. Good for her!

The supermodel thinks: He must have tried to feel me up while we were in the dark and got the nun instead. Well done, Sister!

Bertie thinks to himself: What was that for?! I didn't do anything. I bet that Mick fella made a grab at yer wan and she thought it was me. It's not fair!

Mick smiles to himself thinking:

Jaysus, I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that f*cker again.

Banjo String

Met two Thai girls in the pub last night, after a few drinks they asked me if I'd like to come back to theirs and enjoy a threesome.

They told me it'd be just like winning the lottery!

They were correct, I got naked, then they got naked. Between us we had six matching balls. :eek:

Nodster

not the best ever, but....

My chinese neighbour said he has opened a Crows shop. I said, you mean a clothes shop? he said no, a crows shop. Come in and have a rook

Hagar the Nice.

Healy Rae Permit Holder wrote: »

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

That joke is so old that Moses has it on tablet.;)

Hagar the Nice.

realies wrote: »

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday ?" I replied.:D;):D

I tried that once,years ago,I had the black eyes to prove it.:(

Busted Flat.

A guy goes for job in a hardware store that sold everything. In the interview with the boss he was told to act like this, if a customer comes into the shop looking to buy a lawnmower, sell it to him, then get him to buy grass seed, if he complains tell him there is no point having a mower if you have no grass. He gets the hint, first day on the job a woman comes in and asks for a packet of tampons, he supplies them and asks her does she want to buy a lawnmower, she fumes at him and says what the fook do I want a lawnmower for. He replies since you will be out of action for a couple of days, I thought you would like to cut the grass.

BillyMitchel

NuckingFacker wrote: »

I snorted anyway:D

Keep your drug habits to yourself!

EoghanIRL

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..." The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

Hitchens

A member of an ethnic minority arrives at the Pearly Gates where he meets St. Peter.
He says: "Hey Boss, can I come in ?"
St Peter checks his book and tells him to wait until he gets back from the office as his name is not in the book.
When St Peter returns the member of the ethnic minority is gone........................ and so are the gates.

rolliepoley

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Hagar the Nice.

wee minx Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:09 pm

A little boy and his mom go to the zoo one day.
They're walking around and looking at the animals when
they come to the monkey cage,where two monkeys are mating.

The little boy asks: "Mom, what are they doing?"

The mom answers: "They're making a sandwich."

They continue looking at the animals and come to the elephant
section, where 2 elephants are mating. The little boy asks his mom
what they are doing and again she says they are making a sandwich.

Later that night, the little boy and his mom happen to be coming out
of their bedrooms at the same time. The little boy asks: "Mon, what
were you doing in there?"

She says: "I was making a sandwich."

The little boy says: "Well, I hope you know you have mayonnaise all over your mouth."

D_murph

My First Condom.

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the sh!t out of me.

Women have always been hard for me to figure out !!

EoghanIRL

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read.

teacherhead

EoghanIRL wrote: »

What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?

That was the most violent book I've ever read.

She's a terrible woman.

I met her in the shop the other day. All of a sudden she started swinging her dog in circles over her head. Helen, I said, are you alright? Fine, said she, just having a look around.

tippspur

Hitchens wrote: »

A member of an ethnic minority arrives at the Pearly Gates where he meets St. Peter.
He says: "Hey Boss, can I come in ?"
St Peter checks his book and tells him to wait until he gets back from the office as his name is not in the book.
When St Peter returns the member of the ethnic minority is gone........................ and so are the gates.

That's the most PC joke I ever heard:)tell us who were the ethnic minority?

Comer1

tippspur wrote: »

That's the most PC joke I ever heard:)tell us who were the ethnic minority?

A redhead, I bet.

Dartz

Had a live turkey last christmas.

Never again.

Plucking it was a ****ing niightmare.

Getting it into the oven was a horrorshow.

And even then the bastard struggled for a half-hour before dying.

Hagar the Nice.

Paddy takes his wife Mary to St Vincent's Hospital in Dublin.
"Well now Paddy,you're wife is in a bit of a mess."
Paddy replies "I tink she's goin tru da change."
Doc says a black eye,broken nose and burst jaw isn't symptoms of going through the change sir,"
Paddy replies "It is if she's goin tru my back trouser pockets doctor."

Banjo String

So I was telling a woman in work today about my amazing ability to determine a woman's date of birth, just by feeling their boobs.

She didn't believe me, and asked me to try it out on her.

After about 30 seconds of me fondling and squeezing her she began to get fed up.

"go on then she said, What day was I born "???

I just smiled, looked at her and said....... YESTERDAY!!!!!

joeguevara

Banjo String wrote: »

So I was telling a woman in work today about my amazing ability to determine a woman's date of birth, just by feeling their boobs.

She didn't believe me, and asked me to try it out on her.

After about 30 seconds of me fondling and squeezing her she began to get fed up.

"go on then she said, What day was I born "???

I just smiled, looked at her and said....... YESTERDAY!!!!!

Good joke. Posted yesterday #5572. I laughed again though so fair play.

Judge to Prostitute, "When did you realise you were raped?"
Prostitute, "When the cheque bounced!"

rolliepoley

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?" "It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."

J Cheever Loophole

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Busted Flat.

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

dickwod1

Two dyslexic heating engineers working on a job, One says to the other "Can you smell gas?" the other replies "I cant even smell my own name!"

KKkitty

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

Fancied a roast chicken for dinner and I'm telling you one thing that bird was not going cheap.

Healy Rae Permit Holder

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fcuk yourself. These are my cookies!"

toastedpickles

superman was flying around one day and he seen wonderwoman out naked on top of the justice league hq, so he thinks, hmm i could get in there, have her and be done before she even realizes what happened, so he swoops in, bangs the hole off her and off he goes, in a matter of milliseconds, wonderwoman then goes, what the hell was that, and the invisible man goes, I don't know but my ass hurts like fcuk

FanadMan

EoghanIRL wrote: »

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..." The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

As old as the hills but still one of the goodies

Vito Corleone

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on do it yourself abortions. The Librarian says, "We had to get rid of it," the man replies "that's the one!"