The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

J Cheever Loophole

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

I'd love to see the look of amazement on your face when you see a KFC box of chicken wings.

yourdeadwright

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Must have been a big deer, with eight legs, maybe an articulated deer.

haha u obviously didn't get the joke ,would that be to (2) dear, so 8 legs

Banjo String

After a long hot relaxing Bath, Mary got out of the tub to dry herself off. Mid dry, she slipped and landed, legs spread wide On the bathroom floor.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't prise herself off the floor and after five minutes trying, she called out loud to her husband for assistance.

The husband came down to the bathroom to find Mary, doing the splits stuck firmly to the bathroom floor, he grabbed her around the waist and tried with all his might to move her but to no avail. This woman was stuck TIGHT.

Left with no option, the husband decided to call the fire brigade for assistance. Twenty mins latera fire engine arrived with 8 strong firemen inside, they tried in turn, then altogether but still couldn't move poor Mary either.

Then the chief fireman explained to the husband that due to the way may landed, her vagina had formed an airtight vacuum to the bathroom tiles, and she was stuck good and proper.

The husband panicked, "oh no" he said. "Will she have to remain here indefinitely"?

No, not at all said the fireman. We will have to fetch the jackhammer and remove the tiles.

The husband thought hard for a minute, then asked if he could rub his wife's boobs for five minutes?

Shocked, the fireman said no bother. But asked why the man wanted to rub her boobs

"Well" said the husband,

I want to get her horny and wet, then I can slide her down to the kitchen. The tiles down there are much cheaper than these ones.

comewatmay

A women is lining up at the till in her local tesco store. A curious man behind her looks into her basket and sees a single half bottle of red wine, chicken curry dinner for one, half slice pan of white bread, small tub of butter and one slice of ham.

He gently taps the lady on the shoulder and asks ' By any chance are you single?'

A big smile from the lady as she replies 'eh yes.......how did you know?'

The man replied 'cause your ****in ugly'

Daqster

Man 1: I'm off on holidays with the girlfriend to the Island of reggae and soul food for two long weeks.

Man 2: Jamaica?

Man 1: Nah man, no need. Sure she wants to come.



Sorry. :pac:

Capt'n Midnight

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

I just bought 8 legs of venison for £50. Would that be too dear?

I have no eye deer

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I have no eye deer

Ó Dear!

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.



"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.



"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".



"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
" I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
" Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."



"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."



"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
That is aplomb!"

padma

^^^^^^ I'm glad we don't have that aristocrat culture anymore in Ireland, imagine we never gained our independence, oh deer .

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call a blind deer ?


















I've no eye deer.

Capt'n Midnight

When asked their thoughts on Britain's No1 diver announcing that he is gay.....

Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.

EoghanIRL

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need .

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business

Dartz

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dartz

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

coolhull

Dartz wrote: »

Tachyon

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pardon?

EoghanIRL

A photon checks into a hotel and they asked him if they can carry his luggages. He said "No thanks, im travelling light."

chughes

EoghanIRL wrote: »

A photon checks into a hotel and they asked him if they can carry his luggages. He said "No thanks, im travelling light."

I bet he just couldn't wait to be with his baby tonight......

jimgoose

With the December now of course there's a lot of talk about Santy Claus again. I wouldn't have that fella around the place at all, at all. He sneaks into children's rooms in the middle of the night and empties his sack.

EoghanIRL

chughes wrote: »

I bet he just couldn't wait to be with his baby tonight......

That's such a Bohr.

EoghanIRL

Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done ?

Gingers just don't last in the sun.

5live

jimgoose wrote: »

With the December now of course there's a lot of talk about Santy Claus again. I wouldn't have that fella around the place at all, at all. He sneaks into children's rooms in the middle of the night and empties his sack.

Why does Santa have no kids?


He only comes once a year and, when he does, its down a chimney.

Hitchens

If a ghost went out in the fog would it be mist?

tayto lover

Did someone open the crackers already?

EoghanIRL

tayto lover wrote: »

Did someone open the crackers already?

Is that the best joke you've ever heard ?

Healy Rae Permit Holder

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'

CarrickMcJoe

Just bought a Man Utd light for the sitting room.

It looks great sitting in the middle of the table....

Healy Rae Permit Holder

Elton John goes to a tattoo shop. I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make it a Land Rover the amount of shiit it goes through

rolliepoley

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviuor. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

rolliepoley

A teacher asked a student, “Do you know the alphabet?”

The kid said no so the teacher said, “Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me.”

The kid went home and asked his mom, “Mom, what’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?” His mom responded, “Sshhh I’m on the phone.”
The kid asked his dad, “Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?” His dad said, “Yes!”
He then asked his sister, “What’s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?” She said, “Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson.”
He then asked his little brother, “Bro, what’s the 4th letter of the alphabet?” The little brother said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car.”

The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, “What’s the 1st letter of the alphabet?”
The kid answered, “Sshhh, I’m on the phone.”
The teacher got angry and said, “Do you want to go to the principal office?
The kid responded, “Yes!”
The teacher said, “Who do you think you are?”
The kid said, “Michael Jackson.”
The teacher said, “How do you think you are going to get away with this…”
The kid said, “Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car.”

BeerFear

I've had enough of Christmas already. Every year I work my finger to the bone to earn enough money to buy the kids expensive presents and what happens? The fat-f u cker with the beard gets all the credit. Still, it's my own stupid fault for marrying her.

EoghanIRL

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Fergus_Nash

A Cavan man wants to go on holidays and being stingy as they are, he asks the Travel Agent for the cheapest place to go. A few clicks later and the Cavan man is packing his bags for Malaga.
As he leaves his hostel the first morning (note it's a hostel, not a hotel), he asks the manager for the cheapest place to eat. "Ah Senor, go down to the Ring."
So the Cavan man goes down and asks the waiter for the cheapest dish on offer, "ah Senor, I'll get you Cajones del Toro." Out comes a plate of big, juicy, meaty pieces. So good, he returns on Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday.
But on Thursday the pieces are not nearly as big, and the Cavan man complains. The waiter replies "unfortunately Senor, sometimes the Matador isn't so lucky."

Healy Rae Permit Holder

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair, and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor, when a door opened and, Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched,

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner, near the TV lounge, on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out, in front of her, and shouted,

"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathaliser again!"

jimgoose

I've just seen a huge crowd of dyslexic Africans leaving bunches of flowers outside a big garage here in Cork. Apparently it's the Nissan Maindealers.

rolliepoley

I was watching some porn last night and there was my sister getting it from three guys.

I was so embarrassed that I didn't know whether to switch it off or carry on ****.

rolliepoley

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt ****ty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

FanadMan

rolliepoley wrote: »

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt ****ty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell.
He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

BAH HUMBU......oh wait, praise rolliepoley

Kerry Gooner

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

patmac

Vodka Christmas Cake

---

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

5live

patmac wrote: »

Vodka Christmas Cake

---

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

Hic, i'll drink to that...

Hitchens

What's the difference between a friend & a best friend?

A friend will arrive and bail you out of jail, ...........a best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying; "We fúcked up, buddy"!

Hitchens

Hitchens wrote: »

What's the difference between a friend & a best friend?

A friend will arrive and bail you out of jail, ...........a best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying; "We fúcked up That was one hell of a night, buddy"!

fyp

rolliepoley

Murphy was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later Murphy returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said Murphy, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

rolliepoley

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

3rdDegree

rolliepoley wrote: »

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

This is my father's favourite joke of all time. I worry about that man. His second favourite is :

Q. What makes more noise than a pig under a gate?
A. Two pigs under a gate.

See? I have good reason to worry!

3rdDegree

rolliepoley wrote: »

A Donegalman rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

"I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

This is my father's favourite joke of all time. I worry about that man. His second favourite is :

Q. What makes more noise than a pig under a gate?
A. Two pigs under a gate.

See? I have good reason to worry!

Yellow121

Enda Kenny.

3rdDegree

A fellow is walking through the jungle and comes across a very small man standing beside a dead elephant. He is impressed by the sheer size of the elephant compared with that of the man and asks “Did you kill that elephant?”.
“I sure did” comes the reply.
“How did you it?”.
“I killed it with my club”.
“My God”, says the traveler, “it must be a very big club!”.
“Yeah, there’s about three hundred of us in it”.

rolliepoley

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny.

CarrickMcJoe

rolliepoley wrote: »

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny.

Getting to the bottom of the barrel rollie, Russ Abbott 1980