The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

5 Men sitting in a bar. Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr. Moyes and Mr. Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others. The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel. The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint for the guys except Moyes.

Then Moyes said; Hey guys what about my pint???... Rodgers looked at him and said: Sorry David, this is the fourth round and you are not in it.

EoghanIRL

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: What color is your Ferrari?

Stolen from reddit

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

Hagar the Nice.

Deleted User wrote: »

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER".
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

Bi gum,that is thought provoking.:eek:

castletownman

So with Thomas Hitzelberger having admitted he is gay, Sven and Lars aren't the only Benders to have played for Germany.



*gets coat*

Hagar the Nice.

Helps Castletownwoman find her coat.:)

corktina

My young feller just told me there is a man at the door with a bill....turns out it's a duck with a hat on

corktina

Two ducks swimming across the Firth of Forth and a great big oil tanker looms up at them

"Quack" says one

"I'm swimming as quack as I can " says the other

locum-motion

corktina wrote: »

Two ducks swimming across the Firth of Forth and a great big oil tanker looms up at them

"Quack" says one

"I'm swimming as quack as I can " says the other

If you think that event happened in the Firth of Forth, you don't know much about accents.

It was Belfast Lough!

corktina

The ducks were on holiday

corktina

Collie D wrote: »

A nun, a supermodel, Bertie Ahern and Mick from Dublin are sharing a compartment on a train. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes black. All of a sudden they hear a loud "SMACK" and when the train re-emerges from the tunnel Bertie has a big red handprint on the side of his face.

The nun thinks to herself: That creep must have got handsy with the supermodel when we went into the tunnel and she smacked him. Good for her!

The supermodel thinks: He must have tried to feel me up while we were in the dark and got the nun instead. Well done, Sister!

Bertie thinks to himself: What was that for?! I didn't do anything. I bet that Mick fella made a grab at yer wan and she thought it was me. It's not fair!

Mick smiles to himself thinking:

Jaysus, I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that f*cker again.

there's a good tunnel under the Phoenix Park, if you are that way Mick.

Hagar the Nice.

corktina wrote: »

The ducks were on holiday

Hellooooooooooo:D
http://

corktina

nah there was two of them

Hagar the Nice.

Here's his pal,the look alike though.

http://omg.wthax.org/7H2MAv.jpg

Curly Judge

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Flibbles

Curly Judge wrote: »

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

donegal_man

Flibbles wrote: »

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

Well adultery was once known as 'criminal correspondence' so maybe it's a rather old joke

Curly Judge

Flibbles wrote: »

That joke makes no sense, why would it be illegal to have a 22 year old lover?

For all pedantic pillocks everywhere:

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/2010-04-26-column26_ST_N.htm

ruthloss

Why put a 'About the Author' section in an Autobiography?

Hagar the Nice.

A Brunette, Redhead and Blonde entered into a game show.

The host explained the rules, “I am going to say jokes for a hour straight and who ever doesn’t laugh at the end receives $5000.00!” The host starts and after 15 minutes the redhead is out. He continues and after 40 minutes the brunette is out.

When the clock hits 59 minutes he gives up on making the blonde laugh. All of a sudden the blonde starts laughing, “Why are you cracking up now, all you had was one more minute to win the prize and I didn’t even tell a joke now?” He asks.

She replies, “I know, but I just got the first joke!”

Hagar the Nice.

A Brunette, Redhead and Blonde entered into a game show.

The host explained the rules, “I am going to say jokes for a hour straight and who ever doesn’t laugh at the end receives $5000.00!” The host starts and after 15 minutes the redhead is out. He continues and after 40 minutes the brunette is out.

When the clock hits 59 minutes he gives up on making the blonde laugh. All of a sudden the blonde starts laughing, “Why are you cracking up now, all you had was one more minute to win the prize and I didn’t even tell a joke now?” He asks.

She replies, “I know, but I just got the first joke!”

Peanut Butter Jelly

I just got that joke the second time you told it

Hagar the Nice.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name ?
Polo, I'm the one with the hole, she said with a Whisper.
I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts, he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her,
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch .....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts !

Hagar the Nice.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name ?
Polo, I'm the one with the hole, she said with a Whisper.
I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts, he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs which was a Kinder Surprise for her,
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch .....
turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts !

Hagar the Nice.

Peanut Butter Jelly wrote: »

I just got that joke the second time you told it

Not my fault on this occasion,I only posted it once.:)

errlloyd

Curly Judge wrote: »

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 65 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Grand joke, but it is a bit silly.

Like the student's question was wrong, nothing was all three of those things, three separate things fell into those categories, but sure lots of things fall into those categories individually.

Also the "correct answer" the student was looking for wasn't correct at the time of asking the question. Indeed had the professor actually answered the question, his answer would have been wrong because the student would have still failed, and therefore not illogical and illegal (arguably this is the smart part of the joke).

M5

My mate just told me he robbed a shop last night. He was grinning from ear to ear so I said. "Must have been quite the haul, you look delighted! What did you get?"

"25 pictures" he said, handing one to me. "That one's 180 grand and that the cheapest of them!" he beamed.

I said, "you bloody idiot, these pictures are from an estate agent!"

Wotsername

Surprised no one has posted this so far, but hey ho! for all you aged hippies out there.

What's the difference between a duck?
One of it's legs are both the same!

Flibbles

Curly Judge wrote: »

For all pedantic pillocks everywhere:

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/2010-04-26-column26_ST_N.htm

I don't want to turn this Joke thread into a debate, but here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_v._Texas

The article briefly mentions it, and that's where the article should have stopped. It renders those State laws null. It is a sensationalised article.

ruthloss

A fish swimming up a river, he hit his head on a concrete wall, "DAM"! he said.

on the river

Blond women was walking down the street. A person shouted "look at the dead bird" the blond looked up

Curly Judge

A guy comes home
completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and
is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not
happy.


"Where the hell have you been all night?" she
demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"


The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.


"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"


There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Wotsername

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

A Brunette, Redhead and Blonde entered into a game show.

The host explained the rules, “I am going to say jokes for a hour straight and who ever doesn’t laugh at the end receives $5000.00!” The host starts and after 15 minutes the redhead is out. He continues and after 40 minutes the brunette is out.

When the clock hits 59 minutes he gives up on making the blonde laugh. All of a sudden the blonde starts laughing, “Why are you cracking up now, all you had was one more minute to win the prize and I didn’t even tell a joke now?” He asked

She replies, “I know, but I just got the first joke!”

Eh... Don't get it.

on the river wrote: »

Blond women was walking down the street. A person shouted "look at the dead bird" the blond looked
up

Nope, still nothin. (before you ask, NO)

on the river

Wotsername wrote: »

Eh... Don't get it.



Nope, still nothin. (before you ask, NO)

dead bird cant fly

scottmcb04

Wotsername wrote: »

Nope, still nothin. (before you ask, NO)

so you dyed your hair???

Wotsername

scottmcb04 wrote: »

so you dyed your hair???

No, I'm bald. I thought it would make me smarter if i shaved it off. Ah well, Guess i'll Just have to rely on my huge mammary glands to get me some big, handsome, rich, witty hunk to explain things to me:p

rolliepoley

Q: Whats the difference between a good barber and a bad barber?
























A: About two weeks.

Gloomtastic!

rolliepoley wrote: »

Q: Whats the difference between a good barber and a bad barber?

A: About two weeks.

It may be too early in the morning, but I need help with this please, anyone?

david75

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


Rape



Why does noddy wear a bell on his hat?



Cos he's a cûnt

david75

Who invented camping?

Henry the tent

major bill

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall

poundapunnet

rolliepoley wrote: »

Q: Whats the difference between a good barber and a bad barber?
A: About two weeks.

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

It may be too early in the morning, but I need help with this please, anyone?

It's supposed to be "what's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut"

poundapunnet

Wotsername wrote: »

Surprised no one has posted this so far, but hey ho! for all you aged hippies out there.

What's the difference between a duck?
One of it's legs are both the same!

I guess you had to be there...

major bill

poundapunnet wrote: »

I guess you had to be there...

The standard has dropped big time

bonzodog2

poundapunnet wrote: »

I guess you had to be there...

I heard Neil Armstrong had a habit of telling bad jokes about the moon, and ending with this phrase. Go Neil.

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."
He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

Wotsername

poundapunnet wrote: »

I guess you had to be there...

I suppose so, But you can imagine it can't you?

poundapunnet

Wotsername wrote: »

I suppose so, But you can imagine it can't you?

I may smoke a joint later and get back to you :pac:

Egass13

What does a nosey pepper do ?

Gets jalepeno yo business ..

inc21

9/11 Americans won't get this joke.