The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

AngryHippie

Nah, He's never even met him.

Curly Judge

Probably been posted before ...but here goes:

A duck is standing at the edge of the road trying to decide if he should cross.
A passing chicken sees him and shouts, "I wouldn't do that if I was you mate. You'll never hear the ****ing end of it"!

J Cheever Loophole

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs that my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme!

:pac:

Curly Judge

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

Curly Judge

THE OLDER WOMAN [Be very careful]

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”

Curly Judge

THE OLDER WOMAN [Be very careful]

I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”

Hitchens

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.








Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

:eek:

CarrickMcJoe

Postman was on his last round before retiring and is invited into one house tea. Blonde lady serves up a nice fry and says, "when your finished come upstairs".

After cleaning the plate, Postie heads up and into the bedroom where the woman strips off, puts a pound coin on a saucer on the bedside locker, grabs your man, rips his clothes off and screws him senseless.

Job done, Postman putting on his uniform says, "Thanks for everything, but do ya mind me asking, what's the coin for ?".

Blonde replies, "I mentioned to my husband last night that it was your last day and what did he think about giving you breakfast". He looked at me and said, "Fvck him and give him a pound!".

rolliepoley

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise!"

Hagar the Nice.

I went to a fancy dress party last nite,it was great,I went dressed up as a slice of bread,the birds were all over me in no time at all.

Sir Arthur Daley

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?
A: Because he couldn't resistor!!

Capt'n Midnight

Two aerials got married.

The wedding was terrible. But the reception was brilliant.

Sir Arthur Daley

An atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom

Hagar the Nice.

My wife used to head butt me in the face when she had an orgasm . I didnt mind too much until I found out she was faking them.:(

Hagar the Nice.

My mate reckons he always cries after sex, I thought you big soft twat.............. Then I remembered , he's in prison !!!

Hagar the Nice.

I rang Babestation the other night and the big busty woman said "Hi sexy, what can i do for you?
I said "Fooking hide, my wife's coming and ive lost the remote control."

Hagar the Nice.

My ex just txt n said she had a wet dream aboot me last nite..............
...i got hit by a bus n she PISHED HERSELF LAUGHING.:(

Hagar the Nice.

My wife came home today and said, "Here I am darling,just back from the beauty parlour."

I replied, "What's wrong? Was it closed?"

And that's how the fight started.

Hagar the Nice.

I spend £5000 on a boob-job for my wife, she's delighted.

i spend another £2000 on a nose job for her, again, she's delighted.

I spend a further £1000 on liposuction for her, once again, she's delighted.

Yet, I spend £30 on a blowjob for myself, and she goes ****ing mental.

Hagar the Nice.

BTW,the above joke ain't true.:)

Hagar the Nice.

A guy goes into the doctor's.

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start!'

Hagar the Nice.

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the Casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men.. .are men.

ahnowbrowncow

I think this thread should be renamed "The best jokes Hagar the Nice. ever heard"

RedFormanFITA

A man walks into a bar, ouch, it was an iron bar.

RedFormanFITA

Wonder Woman is lying naked and asleep on a sun lounger by the pool when Superman spots her as he is flying past, he stops and thinks, I'm Superman, I could go down there right now, make love to Wonder Woman and be out of there before she knew what happened to her. So he flies down, makes love to her and flies away. A few seconds later Wonder Woman wakes up and says, what the hell was that, then the invisible man who's been lying in between her legs says, I don't know what it was either, but my arse hurts like hell.

Hagar the Nice.

ahnowbrowncow wrote: »

I think this thread should be renamed "The best jokes Hagar the Nice. ever heard"

Now now,no need to get all mooooooooody,is there.:)

ahnowbrowncow

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

Now now,no need to get all mooooooooody,is there.:)

Twas only joking, I should have put this guy in :pac:

RedFormanFITA

Courtesy of Neil Delamere.

True or false, in the Star Wars films, did the character C3PO have a brother called Padre Pio?

3rdDegree

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

Courtesy of Neil Delamere.

True or false, in the Star Wars films, did the character C3PO have a brother called Padre Pio?

It's a much better joke if you spell C3PIO correctly!

chughes

Due to the ongoing unbelievable events at Irish Water it has been decided to give it a new name.


In future it will be known as Faucet's Circus.

RedFormanFITA

3rdDegree wrote: »

It's a much better joke if you spell C3PIO correctly!

He dropped the PIO part as people kept asking him if he was related to the late Saint. A robot can only take so many autograph hunters in a day.

rolliepoley

My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.

dbrunson

ginger dude was using the self service checkout in tesco when the machine said "unexpected item in checkout area" the item was condoms

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.

She red carded you, eh?? You must be sick as a parrot. Were you playing offside?

jimboblep

David moyes has said man utd will be in european competition next year
Even if he has to write the song himself

chughes

chughes wrote: »

She red carded you, eh?? You must be sick as a parrot. Were you playing offside?

She got him substituted off!

ColdTurkey

A psychic midget escaped from mount joy during the week. The headline in the newspaper read:



Small Medium at Large

Curly Judge

A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him"

RedFormanFITA

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]From Only Fools and Horses[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]Mike and Trigger are in The Nag's Head taking bets on the name of Del and Raquel's unborn baby.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif,sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif,sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Mike So?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Trigger What?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Mike What name have they decided on?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif] Trigger If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave.[/FONT]
[/FONT]

Hitchens

In the USA recently, a lunatic escaped from the asylum by hiding in a laundry van. When they reached the laundry he sexually assaulted one of the workers there. The newspaper headline the following day read:

NUT BOLTS SCREWS WASHER

gramar

A young black African decides to leave his country behind and seek his fortune
in America. Before he goes he pays every penny he has to buy a false passport
to get him into the US. Unfortunately the only one he can get has Leonardo di Caprio´s
name and photo. He manages to stow away and get to the US and as he waits in the queue
at border control his heart is pounding as he in only minutes from a new life.
His turn comes and he hands his passport to the border guard. He looks at the guy and then
back at the passport and repeats this a couple of times. 'Hold on a sec' he says. ..'I have to call my superior'
He makes the call and says 'Sorry to bother you Sir but can you tell me if the Titanic sunk or did it burn?'

RedFormanFITA

A number of years ago, a male jockey had a sex change. A certain tabloid red top newspaper led with the following headline when the news broke....

And they're off

WilyCoyote

Hitchens wrote: »

In the USA recently, a lunatic escaped from the asylum by hiding in a laundry van. When they reached the laundry he sexually assaulted one of the workers there. The newspaper headline the following day read:

NUT BOLTS SCREWS WASHER

Or alternatively .........breaks out of prison and kips down in a closed laundrette. Next morning, on opening, he shags both washerwomen and hightails it pdq:

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

Busted Flat.

Man walking past his neighbors house, his neighbor comes out crying, she says look at my dog they are stuck together please help. Man walks over to the two dogs and sticks his finger up the dogs "ole and they separate. She says oh thank you but what did you do, man says that's Murphys dog from up the road, he can give it but he can't take it.

Hitchens

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...


walk into a very fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

locum-motion

Hitchens wrote: »

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...


walk into a very fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

What a very educational joke; geography and pronunciation in one!

gemini_girl

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldnt she get back up?

Because she had no legs ...

Why did no one help her???

Cos she had no friends!

Hitchens

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting close by ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Den I come one last time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, cool down yo," said the man.

"Who talkin' about sex? I'm a just tellin' my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Sunnyisland

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****ing wall"

Angeles

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.

The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.

The first man brought ten apples.

The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.

The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.

Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"

The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''