The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar the Nice.

To all you folk who've given me a good laugh,many thanks,I'm leaving the forum so take care,cheers.

FanadMan

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

To all you folk who've given me a good laugh,many thanks,I'm leaving the forum so take care,cheers.

Awww no Where am I gonna get my laughs now?

Is there nothing anyone can do to persuade you to stay? Coke? Hookers? Threats of violence?


Edit: Damn! Account closed before reply went through

RedFormanFITA

A blonde and a brunette are standing on the ledge of a roof of a really tall building in New York. Both of them jump off at the same time, which one do you think will hit the pavement below first?

The brunette, because the blonde will have to stop halfways down and ask for directions.

Sir Arthur Daley

What has a Gareth Brooks concert and childbirth got in common?

They are both painful!

teacherhead

WikiHow wrote: »

What has a Gareth Brooks concert and childbirth got in common?

They are both painful!

i thought it was that a cnut was centre stage

Hitchens

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.

His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Curly Judge

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...that's just great.........some asshole's got my pen!

Hitchens

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my arse.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?'

The doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

Curly Judge

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that
I don't understand, can you help? He said that I have a beautiful chassis, two lovely
air bags and a fantastic bumper!"

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick
to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off!"

rolliepoley

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Great one Rollie.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Maura74

A retired woman always wanted to go on a cruise, she finally made a booking to go on one.

She decided to buy a very expensive hat for the cruise and was very pleased with it.
The cruise was going well and on the second day she decided to put on her new expensive hat and go on to the deck to show it off . It was very stormy windy day and to stop her new hat blowing off she put both on her head to stop it blowing away!

Her skirt was blowing up above her waist but she was not concerned about that.
One of the ship crew saw her shirt blowing up above her waist and said to her ‘Madam where’s your modesty’?

She said to him: ‘ Sir, what’s below this hat is over 60 years old and I am not worry about it, my hat on the other hand is new and I am not going to let it blow away'.....

chughes

Maura74 wrote: »

A retired woman always wanted to go on a cruise, she finally made a booking to go on one.

She decided to buy a very expensive hat for the cruise and was very pleased with it.
The cruise was going well and on the second day she decided to put on her new expensive hat and go on to the deck to show it off . It was very stormy windy day and to stop her new hat blowing off she put both on her head to stop it blowing away!

Her skirt was blowing up above her waist but she was not concerned about that.
One of the ship crew saw her shirt blowing up above her waist and said to her ‘Madam where’s your modesty’?

She said to him: ‘ Sir, what’s below this hat is over 60 years old and I am not worry about it, my hat on the other hand is new and I am not going to let it blow away'.....

Apparently, the next crewman she met also made a comment about the strength of the winds. "Airy, isn't it" he observed, to which she replied "wotcha expect, feathers??"....

Ted_YNWA

Deleted User wrote: »

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

.....

You misssed one

“He’s pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”

George Hamilton

Hitchens

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

You misssed one

“He’s pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!”

George Hamilton

....and at the 1976 Olympics commentator Ron Pickering said "and there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."[

kingshankly

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

MetalDog

According to astrophysicists, old stars collapse when they exhaust their supply of fuel.

I disagree. Old stars collapse when they see the folks from Operation Yewtree coming up their driveway.

rolliepoley

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

























The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Capt'n Midnight

I grew up in the rough part of town.

Right across from the sandpaper factory.

rolliepoley

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"

3rdDegree

rolliepoley wrote: »

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Ah come on! They are not THAT old.

Besides, with the prevalence of obesity since the last concerts, I'm sure a few had lost a leg or two to diabetes by now anyway.

rolliepoley

What's the height of conceit?


































Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Sir Arthur Daley

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists. They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Garth Brooks for any last requests. To which Garth replies "Well, I sure would like to sing "Friends in low Places" jus' one more time!" The head terrorist says "fair enough". The head terrorist then asks Billy Ray Cyrus the same question. And Billy answers "shoot me first!"

eisenberg1

Man rings boss at 9am Monday.

Man: Boss, I cant make it to work today.
Boss: Why?
Man: I am sick
Boss: FFS!!, you are only working here 15 weeks, and this is the tenth time to miss Monday, and you know it is our busiest day of the week, I mean seriously, how sick are?

Man: Well....I am in bed shagging my sister

Gloomtastic!

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Man rings boss at 9am Monday.

Man: Boss, I cant make it to work today.
Boss: Why?
Man: I am sick
Boss: FFS!!, you are only working here 15 weeks, and this is the tenth time to miss Monday, and you know it is our busiest day of the week, I mean seriously, how sick are?

Man: Well....I am in bed shagging my sister

Reminds me of one from the 80's.....


What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

Sweat on your bollox while you're shagging your sister.

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.



Yes, he was brilliant!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Gloomtastic!

And a Spike Milligan classic......

I lost my dog so I put an ad in the local paper. It read, 'Here Boy!'

rolliepoley

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "f**k". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "f**k" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f**ked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a f**k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f**k), an adverb (Mary is f**king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f**k).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f**king beautiful) or an interjection (f**k! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f**k she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f**k". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Fraud "I got f**ked by the Bank Manager."
Resignation "Oh, f**k it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm f**ked now."
Aggression "f**k YOU!"
Disgust "f**k me."
Confusion "What the f**k.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this f**king business!"
Despair "f**ked again..."
Pleasure "I f**king couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the f**k is going on here?"
Lost "Where the f**k are we."
Disbelief "UNF**KING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your f**king ass!"
Denial "I didn't f**king do it."
Perplexity "I know f**k all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a f**k, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the f**k are you?"
Panic "Let's get the f**k out of here."
Directions "f**k off."
Disbelief "How the f**k did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a f**king asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five f**king thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this f**king job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother f**ker."
It can be political- "f**k Enda Kenny!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the f**k was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f**k is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real f**king gun."
- John Lennon

"Who's gonna f**king find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to f**king roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Any f**king idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does so f**king look like her!"
- Picasso

"You want what on the f**king ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"f**k a duck."
- Walt Disney

"Scattered f**king showers my ass."
- Noah

"I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

"F**k the EU!"
- Victoria Nuland

German pointer

Don't forget Custer

Where the f**k did all these Indians come from.

3rdDegree

It can even express admiration, jealousy, gratitude and pleasure all in one sentence: "Great f**king post!"

RedFormanFITA

What's brown and sticky?

Apparently, a brown stick

rolliepoley

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

What's brown and sticky?

Apparently, a brown stick

A Barry White.

twistyj

My wife left me and took my Bob Marley collection and my satellite dish.









No woman no sky......

RedFormanFITA

A Tommy Cooper classic...

A man walks into a bar, ouch, it was an iron bar.


A man walks into a bar, ouch, it was the Dail Bar. The price of drink in there these days is somethin awful. And no, I am not Jackie Healy Ray.

Aquagakka

Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?





One's a marsupial and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift.

locum-motion

Well I dunno whether Tommy Cooper told those ones originally or not, but I've definitely heard the vast majority of them coming out of Tim Vine's mouth at one stage or another.

Deleted User wrote: »

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.



Yes, he was brilliant!!

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.
...


...
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

civis_liberalis

Deleted User wrote: »

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Love Tommy Cooper. The jokes stand up on their own, but it was as much the way he told them that made them.

He died on stage. I unwittingly watch the video of that show not realising what it was until after...

Genius of a man. Could make you laugh at the stupidest things. Was roaring laughing at one of his shows at home in the gaff with the brother on a lazy Saturday in front of the telly, watching Dave.

Tommy Cooper:
Went to see the doctor last week. I had to you see... he was feeling poorly. Haha [wink]

Hitchens

What's the difference between a plaque and a plique?





A plaque hangs on a wall, and a plique hangs on a chinaman

Anyone

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay €200 to have a lentil on my face.

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing €10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those **** at Boral deliver the FÚCKING bricks on time.'

Sir Arthur Daley

A student of Proctology is in the morgue one day after classes wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music ."

Witchie

Stole that and replaced it with "rock me mamma like a wagon wheel" to wind my friends who listen to that crap up on facebook. Thanks WikiHow!

RedFormanFITA

What's a bigamist?

It's what Italians call fog.

RedFormanFITA

What did the Real Madrid player say to his constipated hens?

Ole, ole, ole, ole.......

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.



From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ' You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop. '



So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ' I ' ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex. '


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,but her husband felt he really


didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ' How could sandals make you a sex freak? '

The Jamaican replied, ' Just try dem on, Mon. '

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ' You got dem on de wrong feet! '

Capt'n Midnight

I took my girlfriend on holidays to the Caribbean last year.

Jamaica ?

No, she wanted to go.

Sir Arthur Daley

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

rolliepoley

For Valentines my girlfriend said to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So I came back drunk.