The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hitchens

Merseyside police have discovered a suspicious car parked at Liverpool railway station.....






.......it was taxed and insured, and the radio was still in it

RedFormanFITA

I'm planning on taking up a job in Asia. Do you think it would be a good Korea move?

ohmslaw

3 guys arrive at heavens gates and are met by St Peter, who tells the lads that before he can let them into heaven, they would have to tell him how they died.

The first one said "well, I am a window cleaner, and I was cleaning the windows of a 3rd floor apartment. I reached out to get to the top corner of the window, when the ladder slipped and I grabbed onto the window sill to stop myself falling. As the ladder fell, it caught my trousers aft tore them off. I was hanging on for dear life, hoping someone would help me, when this madman in the apartment comes in, takes off his shoe and whacks the hands off me. I fell to the ground, but luckily had a soft landing. I got up and was walking away, when this big fridge lands on my head and I was killed instantly".

St Peter doesn't hesitate for a second and tells the man to go straight In.

The second man tells his story - "I was in work when I got a call from my next door neighbour. He told me he could hear my wife next door, and by the sound of things she wasn't alone. I rushed home and ran up the stairs to the 3rd floor Apartment where we live. I found my wife in bed, and immediately started to look for the bsadard she was with. I couldn't find anyone until I went into the kitchen and there I found this fella hanging from the window sill with no trousers on. I was so mad, I took off my shoe and started hitting him on the hands. He fell to the ground, but then I saw him get up and srart to walk away. Well, I wasn't going to let him get off that easy, so I grabbed the fridge and thew it out the window at him. The effort was too much for me though, and I got a heart attack and died".
St Peter had to think about this, but eventually he let him on the grounds that it was a crime of passion.

The third man said "well, I was sitting in this fridge, minding my own business, ..."

Capt'n Midnight

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

I'm planning on taking up a job in Asia. Do you think it would be a good Korea move?

No, it's not worth selling your Seoul.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

blueser

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

kult

A jewish person is walking down the street, suddenly he finds a pile of cash , he picks it up, counts up and comes to the conclusion that some money is missing...

Sunnyisland

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on
a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile
dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw
the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say

'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began
throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

rolliepoley

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.




Dear School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local County Home for the Aged.

My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad.

Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine.

I told her to **** off.

Bless you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnson

juniord

a woman is in the bath and her young son comes in and asks what are they pointing at her tits, the mother tells him they are mammys balloons , the son asks what are they for ,the mother tells him that when women die their balloons get pumped up and they float up to heaven , the next week the boy runs up to his mother and tells her the maid is dying , she asks how do you know , the son says well she is lying on the sitting room floor and daddy is blowing up her balloons and she is shouting oh god im coming

Aquagakka

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?





You can't wash your face in a buffalo.

stefan idiot jones

juniord wrote: »

a woman is in the bath and her young son comes in and asks what are they pointing at her tits, the mother tells him they are mammys balloons , the son asks what are they for ,the mother tells him that when women die their balloons get pumped up and they float up to heaven , the next week the boy runs up to his mother and tells her the maid is dying , she asks how do you know , the son says well she is lying on the sitting room floor and daddy is blowing up her balloons and she is shouting oh god im coming

A little boy runs into the bathroom when his Mother is having a bath. He points to her privates and asks 'what is that Mummy?'

Mummy being a little flustered replies 'that's my hedgehog darling'

The little boy replies 'Nan's got one of those, only hers has been run over as all the guts are hanging out'.

herisson

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar movie collection, except one.

He's never going to give you Up.

RedFormanFITA

It's grasshoppers last day at the temple. But before he leaves, he wants to pay the master one final visit and get some final words of wisdom from him. So he packs up all his belongings and he visits the master. He asks the master and the master tells him, have lots of sex, looking bewildered, grasshopper asks him, how will i know when i've had lots of sex? The master replies, when your eyes look like mine, then you will know.

rolliepoley

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Aquagakka

A woman had 10 sons who were all policemen.

At breakfast she asked, "Who wants cornflakes?"

And they all said,





"Me Ma, Me Ma, Me Ma….."

Aphex

Aquagakka wrote: »

A woman had 10 sons who were all policemen.

At breakfast she asked, "Who wants cornflakes?"

And they all said,





"Me Ma, Me Ma, Me Ma….."

*unfollows thread*

RedFormanFITA

When Batman was growing up, how did his mother get him to come in for his lunch?

She stood at the door and shouted, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner. Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn.

3rdDegree

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

When Batman was growing up, how did his mother get him to come in for his lunch?

She stood at the door and shouted, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner dinner, dinner. Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn, Baaaaatmaaaannnn.

If anyone tells the Pink Panther joke about the dead ant, there will be blood!

German pointer

3rdDegree wrote: »

If anyone tells the Pink Panther joke about the dead ant, there will be blood!

Pink panther's mother rang him to tell him her sister died. And he said dead....................................................

J Cheever Loophole

Weather was terrible last night - it was raining cats and dogs.

I stepped out this morning and stood in a poodle!

eisenberg1

Aquagakka wrote: »

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?





You can't wash your face in a buffalo.

Has to be said in an Australian accent..............

Valetta

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Weather was terrible last night - it was raining cats and dogs.

I stepped out this morning and stood in a poodle!

A plane was carrying gearbox components from a Japanese car manufacturing plant to their regional warehouse in Manchester.

As it was going over Birmingham the hold door became loose and swung open.

Mrs. Webster was hanging out the washing and ran in to her husband.

"Tony, Tony. It's raining Datsun cogs"

RedFormanFITA

3rdDegree wrote: »

If anyone tells the Pink Panther joke about the dead ant, there will be blood!

What do you call an ant who doesn't want to do something?

A reluct - ant.

What do you call an ant who's just about to give birth?

A pregn - ant

Start the engine......

Michael D Not Higgins

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"

Comer1

RedFormanFITA wrote: »

What do you call an ant who doesn't want to do something?

A reluct - ant.

What do you call an ant who's just about to give birth?

A pregn - ant

Start the engine......

What do you call a frigid girl ant?

Reluct - ant

What do you call an ant after eating a feed of beans?

Flagell - ant

Comer1

What do you call an Anglican ant?

Protest - ant


OK, I'm finished now.

*A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York ..*

*It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the
awnings.” Mom “said the boy, "what are all these women doing?" "They're
waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies. The taxi driver
turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth?*
*they’re hookers, kid!*

*They have sex with men for money.” The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" *


*His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers." she said**.*

Capt'n Midnight

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

A Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything"

He hands over a tenner to the vendor and gets nothing back.

When he complains he is told "change has to come from within."

Capt'n Midnight

Buddist monks can use email. But only if there are no attachments.

Michael D Not Higgins

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

He hands over a tenner to the vendor and gets nothing back.

When he complains he is told "change has to come from within."

Reading Reddit too?

Michael D Not Higgins

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Reading Reddit too?

What does the frog say at the library after looking at a book?

Reddit!

:P

fr336

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns5AJK9qStM

Hitchens

how do you circumcise a whale?






send down four skin divers!

Michael D Not Higgins

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?








Dr Dre

bonzodog2

Comer1 wrote: »

What do you call an ant after eating a feed of beans?

Flagell - ant

I think you mean flatul - ant

Comer1

bonzodog2 wrote: »

I think you mean flatul - ant

No, the answer was correct, the question was supposed to be "What do you call a sadomasochist ant?"

Markcheese

Could it be a penit-ant --- ahem--- had to say it ...

3rdDegree

Comer1 wrote: »

No, the answer was correct, the question was supposed to be "What do you call a sadomasochist ant?"

Sorry, I'm not convinced here bud. Don't mean to offend, but I actually suspect that you may have made a spelling mistake in the first post. Is that possible at all do you think?

3rdDegree

3rdDegree wrote: »

Sorry, I'm not convinced here bud. Don't mean to offend, but I actually suspect that you may have made a spelling mistake in the first post. Is that possible at all do you think?

Don't be so ped-ant-ic!

Curly Judge

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help
alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Aphex

Son walks in on mother in the shower..

Son: (pointing at genitals) "Mammy, what's that?"
Mother: "That's where daddy hit me with the hatchet son"
Son: Jaysus ma! He got you right in the cunt!"

Sir Arthur Daley

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

sin_city

I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the meat hanging high in his shop.

I said 20
He said 50
I said 100!

He said No way....the steaks were too high

Aquagakka

A Sioux warrior was standing surveying his lands when a nuclear bomb exploded in the distance.

He thought to himself,

"I wish I had have said that."

gramar

Aquagakka wrote: »

A Sioux warrior was standing surveying his lands when a nuclear bomb exploded in the distance.

He thought to himself,

"I wish I had have said that."

I've read that several times and the only thing I can see is that it's grammatically incorrect!

Sir Humphrey Appleby

gramar wrote: »

I've read that several times and the only thing I can see is that it's grammatically incorrect!

Smoke signals..duh!

gramar

Sir Humphrey Appleby wrote: »

Smoke signals..duh!

I see, was he going to say mushroom?

TheChevron

Deleted User wrote: »

Don't be so ped-ant-ic!

Don't be such a ped-ant would have been so much better.

A cow called Daisy

A man with only $10 but wanting to get a bj goes into a brothel. He asks the first prostitute, a 19 year old, how much a bj is. She tells him that she charges $50.
Man says "i only have $10, is there anyone here who would charge me less"
Prostitute tell man that her mother still works there and that as she is 50 years of age she usually charges less. He goes to her mother who says she charges $20. As he still doesn't have enough money, he asks that prostitute if there's any way he could be satisfied for $10. Look, she says, my mother is in the kitchen. She is 83 years old and has false teeth and has not worked here in nearly 30 years, you could ask her.
Man goes to the old woman and sure enough she agrees to give him a bj for $10. Afterwards, he says "that is the best bj i have ever had. But why do you only charge $10"
"Ah", she says "when you get to my age you are just glad of a warm drink"