The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Sir Arthur Daley

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her €200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another €200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 minutes". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll ride the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, ride my mother and then he'll get herpes...

...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!

ShiftStorm

What do you do if a bird poos on your window?

Answer: Don't go out with her again

rolliepoley

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

GerB40

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

Genius...

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

During the same class the teacher explained that although a double negative could be a positive, a double positive could never be a negative.
Johnny's reply, "yea, right....".

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

I once organised a meeting of the Apathy club, but no one bothered to turn up! :pac:

Hitchens

Deleted User wrote: »

I once organised a meeting of the Apathy club, but no one bothered to turn up! :pac:

I used to think I was indecisive........but now I'm not so sure!

Someone once told me that I had anger issues,
That's rubbish and if they ever say it again.






I'll punch their lights out! :mad:


:P

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Hitchens wrote: »

I used to think I was indecisive........but now I'm not so sure!

Wow , that's only the 27th time that's appeared in this thread, how original!:rolleyes:

Hitchens

Sir Humphrey Appleby wrote: »

Wow , that's only the 27th time that's appeared in this thread, how original!:rolleyes:

you trawled through 6000+ posts? ...........how sad!

3rdDegree

chughes wrote: »

During the same class the teacher explained that although a double negative could be a positive, a double positive could never be a negative.
Johnny's reply, "yea, right....".

When at school, my teacher told me that I had bad observation skills.

But that was just his or her's opinion.

rolliepoley

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said


the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try


him out."
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.


"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"


"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"


"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.


The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find


the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"

Hitchens

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a Garda comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a TD came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The TD was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen TD's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

:pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.


Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A: One is a cold blooded, spineless, blood-sucking parasite, the other is a leech.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.





A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."



Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"





Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."


At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons.
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."


"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"

Aquagakka

Two men wearing monocles bumped in to one another in the street and made a spectacle of themselves.

tayto lover

Aquagakka wrote: »

Two men wearing monocles bumped in to one another in the street and made a spectacle of themselves.

Two blind men arguing and pushing each other outside a pub.
I shouted " my money's on the one with the knife".
You should have seen the two of them running.

K-9

Deleted User wrote: »

I once organised a meeting of the Apathy club, but no one bothered to turn up! :pac:

I remember that one, it was next door to the Schiziphrenic society, I was in 2 minds whether to go in or not.

juniord

a man is out shopping with his wife , she sees a pair of shoes that costs €100 and asks him to pay for them , im not paying €100 for a pair of shoes he says, so they went off home , that night in bed he started mooching over to her side of the bed , the wife says fcuk off if you dont shod the horse you cant ride it

Sir Arthur Daley

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So... they buried Debbie.

bnt

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

As the policeman said about Quasimodo, "that rings a bell". From 2011:

bnt wrote: »

Q: What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

My robot keeps getting annoyed with me, so I asked it why. Apparently, I keep pushing its buttons ...

locum-motion

bnt wrote: »

As the policeman said about Quasimodo, "that rings a bell". From 2011:


My robot keeps getting annoyed with me, so I asked it why. Apparently, I keep pushing its buttons ...

Jeez, you went back 3 years to point out a repost?!

bnt

locum-motion wrote: »

Jeez, you went back 3 years to point out a repost?!

Yes.

Santa Cruz

My doctor says that I am paranoid. I wonder who else the bastard told

Capt'n Midnight

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get you.

rolliepoley

I called our local Paranoia Society today.
The guy who answered the phone said,"How the f**k did you get this number?"

Storeybud?

What do you call 50 solicitors bound, gagged and tied up in a sinking boat?

A start.

Hitchens

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a pyromanic and a necrophile are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said:

"Miaow"...................................!!!

LoganRice

An elderly husband and wife lived in a house all alone. The woman who was lying in bed called her husband over asking for a fry, and not to mix it up with soup this time.
The husband left, and came back later on with soup on a tray and the wife responded, "oh not again-you forgot the spoon!"

Capt'n Midnight

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says ”Five beers, please.”

Slick50

Hitchens wrote: »

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromanic are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said:

"Miaow"...................................!!!

Where did the necrophile come from?.... what are you not telling us?

Aquagakka

A ship full of red paint crashed into a ship full of brown paint.


Both crews were marooned.

gramar

LoganRice wrote: »

An elderly husband and wife lived in a house all alone. The woman who was lying in bed called her husband over asking for a fry, and not to mix it up with soup this time.
The husband left, and came back later on with soup on a tray and the wife responded, "oh not again-you forgot the spoon!"

Did they have alzheimers by any chance?

Hitchens

Below is a list of ways to win an argument with a woman!

Aquagakka

A guy goes into a butchers and said,

"Do you have a sheep's head?"

The butcher replied,

"No, it's just the way I part my hair."

rolliepoley

One late evening a Paddy came out of the local pub a little drunk.
He got into his car and started driving back to his house on a lonely road.
All of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine cover.
Paddy jumps out of his car, madder then hell, kicks the door a couple of times and starts walking home.

About twenty minutes later, a van with the local football team in it stops. One of the fellas called out, "Whats the matter brother?" Paddy calls back, "Piston-broke!"

The same fella calls back, 'Ya! we're piss'nd and broke too, hop in the van."

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Hitchens wrote: »

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a pyromanic and a necrophile are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said:

"Miaow"...................................!!!

Slick50 wrote: »

Where did the necrophile come from?.... what are you not telling us?

QED

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well.



Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the
carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but,
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama:
"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

Maura74

Solicitors are like Rhinoceros they are thick skinned and ALWAYS ready to charge.........

Markcheese

Slick50 wrote: »

Where did the necrophile come from?.... what are you not telling us?

What are you if you're into bestiality,bondage and necrophilia...
I dunno... but your Flogging a dead horse ...

bnt

One from Bill Bailey on QI:

Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1. 2. Wait ...4. No, it's 8. 16. 32. 64, 128, 256, 512 ... help!

rolliepoley

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

mitosis

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."

- Bob Monkhouse

rolliepoley

I got so excited the first time I was in a limousine I got a little bit giddy. Started mooning out the window.

Got in serious trouble too.
























I was told I was upsetting the other mourners.

Irish Steve

If Apple made cars, would they have Windows?

Capt'n Midnight

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?

Sir Arthur Daley

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

WikiHow

WikiHow wrote: »

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

If the Apple shop gets left with a load of unsold stock, do they end up with cider?

Capt'n Midnight

There was an old woman from Rhyde,
who ate 49 apples and died,
the apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside 'er inside.

TheLastMohican

But, Officer...

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."

rolliepoley

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."