The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

tayto lover

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Very few priests with no sex life in this country.

Capt'n Midnight

Bitcoins LOL
http://www.businessinsider.com/can-the-government-seize-bitcoins-2014-2

Alex Daley, chief technology strategist of Casey Research, a financial research firm, says that the FBI already owns between 5% and 10% of all Bitcoins.

Hitchens

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Hermy

Hitchens wrote: »

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

I don't know - why is abbreviation such a long word?

rolliepoley

What's a mexican's favorite sport?


























Cross country.

Hermy

Hermy wrote: »

I don't know - why is abbreviation such a long word?

Because you can't shorten it and still understand it (when spoken).
well that's the abriv'ed version.

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Bitcoins LOL
http://www.businessinsider.com/can-the-government-seize-bitcoins-2014-2

Virtual money + virtual investors = virtual profit = virtual crash!

Santa Cruz

Isn't this suppose to be the best joke ye ever heard?

Santa Cruz

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Isn't this suppose to be the best joke ye ever heard?

Virtually the best joke.

It's a bit like alternative comedy, you either get it or you get laid.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.



After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.


To this day,

Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Sir Arthur Daley

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fcuking drain is clogged again."

donegal_man

Hitchens wrote: »

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

It was coined by the same guy who put an s in lisp

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery.....everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever !

All his friends and relatives raved about his youthful appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with emotion at her sacrifice he said,

'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

''My darling,' she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

rolliepoley

I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.

As we sat around the fire he said, "Dad, I need a s**t."

"Go and have one then," I said. "That's the beauty of camping, you can s**t anywhere you want and you can't get into trouble."

He walked off and came back a few minutes later.

"Where did you have one?" I asked.

He said, "In your car."

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh", said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks”, said Paddy

Hitchens

One night in a bar a man with a dog came in.

"Sorry," said the barman, "we don't allow dogs in here."

The man said, "but he's a special dog, he's actually a carpenter, watch this."

The man went outside for a minute and came back in with a bough which had fallen off a tree, this he threw on the floor in front of the dog.

The dog started chewing away at the timber and in 5 minutes he had produced a lovely looking chair.

"He is special alright," said the barman, "you're welcome to bring him in here any time."

A few evenings later another man came in with a dog, whereupon the barman told him dogs weren't allowed.

The man said, "but there's a man with a dog having a drink over there in the corner."

"But that's a special dog," replied the barman, "he's actually a carpenter," and he went on to explain that, "if you give him a piece of wood he'll make an item of furniture from it."

"Well this lad of mine is special too, said the 2nd man, he's a blacksmith".

"How do you make that out?" asked the barman.

"Because," replied the man, "if you give him a kick in the hole he'll make a bolt for the door".

Sir Arthur Daley

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE! !" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

stefan idiot jones

Disabled Persons Toilet Cubicle wrote: »

Pickled penis.

Is this a delicacy where you're from?

A cow called Daisy

Can't find/to lazy to find original joke and sorry if this part of it

wonder if you pickling a penis would they be pickled in cider

Happyman42

Hitchens wrote: »

One night in a bar a man with a dog came in.

"Sorry," said the barman, "we don't allow dogs in here."

The man said, "but he's a special dog, he's actually a carpenter, watch this."

The man went outside for a minute and came back in with a bough which had fallen off a tree, this he threw on the floor in front of the dog.

The dog started chewing away at the timber and in 5 minutes he had produced a lovely looking chair.

"He is special alright," said the barman, "you're welcome to bring him in here any time."

A few evenings later another man came in with a dog, whereupon the barman told him dogs weren't allowed.

The man said, "but there's a man with a dog having a drink over there in the corner."

"But that's a special dog," replied the barman, "he's actually a carpenter," and he went on to explain that, "if you give him a piece of wood he'll make an item of furniture from it."

"Well this lad of mine is special too, said the 2nd man, he's a blacksmith".

"How do you make that out?" asked the barman.

"Because," replied the man, "if you give him a kick in the hole he'll make a bolt for the door".

...or if you kick him in the hole he'll make a spring for your balls!

Capt'n Midnight

An Orangemans calendar

January February March March March March March March September October November December

RedFormanFITA

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Sochi.

Sochi who?

Sochi shame the Winter Olympics are over.

shaneon77

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?




He bought a warehouse

Curly Judge

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

Scartbeg

Heard on 8 out of 10 cats tonight, I nearly split my sides...

Fella runs into the bookmakers and says "I need to use your toilet!"
Sorry, replies the cashier, toilets are for customers only.
Okay, says the man, "I bet you a tenner I'm going to piss my pants!"

FanadMan

Scartbeg wrote: »

Heard on 8 out of 10 cats tonight, I nearly split my sides...

Fella runs into the bookmakers and says "I need to use your toilet!"
Sorry, replies the cashier, toilets are for customers only.
Okay, says the man, "I bet you a tenner I'm going to piss my pants!"

Was that on tonight?
``

Scartbeg

FanadMan wrote: »

Was that on tonight?
``

Yes, " 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown"

GerB40

Scartbeg wrote: »

Yes, " 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown"

Kevin Bridges. He's one funny fúcker...

Happyman42

GerB40 wrote: »

Kevin Bridges. He's one funny fúcker...

With a joke that must be older than Methuselah? Right.

GerB40

Happyman42 wrote: »

With a joke that must be older than Methuselah? Right.

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. (I know, it sounds mad) I'm basing the fact that he's a funny fúcker on his multitude of jokes rather than one joke he made on a panel show..

eisenberg1

GerB40 wrote: »

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. (I know, it sounds mad) I'm basing the fact that he's a funny fúcker on his multitude of jokes rather than one joke he made on a panel show..

IMO, He has a lot of "jokes" alright....................But a severe shortage of the funny variety.

GerB40

eisenberg1 wrote: »

IMO, He has a lot of "jokes" alright....................But a severe shortage of the funny variety.

Well comedy is subjective, different strokes and all.....

ZeitgeistGlee

donegal_man wrote: »

It was coined by the same guy who put an s in lisp

Don't forget dyslexia.

eisenberg1

ZeitgeistGlee wrote: »

Don't forget dyslexia.

is that funny?

ZeitgeistGlee

eisenberg1 wrote: »

is that funny?

It's amusing to me as a dyslexic that the word dyslexia (and related words) is unintuitive to spell, much in the same way the word "lisp" having an "s" in it would be difficult for someone with a lisp to pronounce properly. Not a gut-buster certainly but worth a small smile from those who can think it through.

Sir Arthur Daley

One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word, "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her"!

eisenberg1

ZeitgeistGlee wrote: »

It's amusing to me as a dyslexic that the word dyslexia (and related words) is unintuitive to spell, much in the same way the word "lisp" having an "s" in it would be difficult for someone with a lisp to pronounce properly. Not a gut-buster certainly but worth a small smile from those who can think it through.

Oh I thought it through alright, I just got the impression you having a slag at dyslexia........................sorry.

ZeitgeistGlee

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Oh I thought it through alright, I just got the impression you having a slag at dyslexia........................sorry.

No worries.

Capt'n Midnight

What is DNA ?






















National Dyslexia Association.

rolliepoley

Paddy escaped from the Mental Hospital. When he got home, he called the Hospital on the phone and asked; "Is this Dundrum Mental Hospital?" yes replied the receptionist, "could you tell me if there is anyone in room eight at ward one?" asked Paddy.

The receptionist replied; "Just a minute sir hold on let me check."

A while later the receptionist came back on the phone and said; "There is no one sir."

Paddy exclaimed; "Wow! Okay my dear."

The receptionist said; "But why did you ask sir?."

Paddy replied; "I just wanted to be sure that I've escaped."

Happyman42

GerB40 wrote: »

If you look him up you'll find that he actually has more than one joke. .

Brendan O'Carroll has loads of jokes too...trouble is, they aren't his.

Curly Judge

A man received the following text message from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with
the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his pistol, and without a word, shot and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text message came in:
" Damn autocorrect . Sorry, that should have said " wifi " not " wife."

rolliepoley

How is a casino like a good woman?






















Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

EoghanIRL

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now .

My friend is addicted to brake fluid but he can stop any time .

I used to go to the men's locker room but then I changed .

Can't think of anymore

EoghanIRL

Mitch hedberg is one of my favourites at the moment :

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Sir Arthur Daley

I saw a Nun earlier in town one thought came to mind, Virgin mobile.

byronbay2

Don't know if this is the best joke I ever heard but I certainly laughed:

What is the difference between a job and a wife?

After 10 years, the job still sucks!!

Hitchens

What animal has a cúnt halfway up its back?

a police horse!

:pac:

Curly Judge

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said
loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be
quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your blooming life, she's reversing!!"

Hermy

Curly Judge wrote: »

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime...

Was funnier the first time!