The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Maphisto

A man goes to the urologist.
He is quite nervous.
The waiting room is packed and everyone turns to look at him as he walks in.
He makes his way over to the receptionist, who was the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The receptionist announces at the top of her voice "Ah Mr Joyce, you're here to see the Dr about your impotence problem?"
The man replied "No I'm here for a sex change - but I don't want the same one that did yours".

EoghanIRL

Maphisto wrote: »

A man goes to the urologist.
He is quite nervous.
The waiting room is packed and everyone turns to look at him as he walks in.
He makes his way over to the receptionist, who was the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The receptionist announces at the top of her voice "Ah Mr Joyce, you're here to see the Dr about your impotence problem?"
The man replied "No I'm here for a sex change - but I don't want the same one that did yours".

I visited the doctor yesterday , heard he was sick .

Busted Flat.

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I visited the doctor yesterday , heard he was sick .

How much did you charge him.

EoghanIRL

Busted Flat. wrote: »

How much did you charge him.

Medical card :P

mad_man4

Whats brown and sticky???


A brown stick

Michael D Not Higgins

mad_man4 wrote: »

Whats brown and sticky???


A brown stick

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?













Dr Dre

kingchess

what is brown and sits on a piano stool ?? beethovens last movement,

mad_man4

What's brown and sounds like a bell?


Dung

rolliepoley

A bricklayer goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm constipated."

The Doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The brickie leans over the table and the Doctor whacks him on the arse with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doctor, i feel great. What should i do to prevent this constipation?"

The Doctor replies, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags."

Capt'n Midnight

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Northern Ireland football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.
They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

HugsiePie

The only thing I want between our relationship is latex

Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam
I can’t peanut butter my d1ck in your ass.

R00ster

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can't pull a rabbit out of your arse.



What's the difference between a porcupine and a busload of rovers/united/city/insert as appropriate fans?

On a porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside.



For the weekend that's in it:
What was the first instance of football in the bible?

Jesus took the cross.

HugsiePie

R00ster wrote: »

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can't pull a rabbit out of your arse.

Well maybe you havent :pac:

EoghanIRL

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'**** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be ****ing Fruit Loops'

Comer1

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'**** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be ****ing Fruit Loops'

I think the first kid was supposed to ask for "***ring Fruit Loops"?? ?

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.reddit.com/r/britishproblems/comments/22osn0/as_the_fifa_world_cup_approaches_the_antifootball/cgpdacf?context=3

As the FIFA world cup approaches, imagine how the rest of us feel.

Firstly, imagine every time within a day that football is mentioned by someone else. Secondly, replace it with something that you don't want to hear about every day. Say... Archaeology. Then, think about how an average day would pan out.

So, you awaken to the clock radio. It's 7AM. Just as you awaken, it's time for the news and archaeology already. Not news and other historical investigations, like library restorations or museum openings (unless there's another event happening), but just the news and archaelogy. Malaysian plane is still missing. Pistorius is still on trial. New dig announced in Giza. Ancient Mayan temple discovered. Exciting stuff.

Time for a bite to eat over the morning TV. More news. More archaeology. Yes, you are aware of what is up with the missing plane. Fine. Now the archaeology in video format. Video of people dusting off some skulls and bits of pottery. All well and good, but archaeology isn't your thing. It would be nice to hear about something else. Even when it isn't archaeology season, the media follow noted archaeologists. They drive fast cars, have sex with beautiful women, advertise fragrances, and sometimes they go to nightclubs and act in the worst possible way. Scandals erupt as the tabloids follow these new celebrities when they're not searching the past for answers. It is entirely possible you can recite the names of certain researchers, even if you don't pay attention to archaeology. You don't know what transfer season is, but you know that someone was transferred to a dig in Peru for a sum of money that could fund the London Underground for two whole days.

Out of the car at 8:55 and into work. What are the colleagues talking about, I wonder? Oh, Jones dropped a 3,890 year old pot and smashed it? What a useless wanker! Someone should do something unpleasant to him. And don't even ask about the unfortunate incident in Athens two years ago - you'll be there all day! Breaking a pillar like that! We don't talk about that here, mate. What? You don't want to discuss the finer points of the prevalence of phallic imagery in Pompeii? Is there something wrong with you?

The drive home from work. Every thirty minutes, no matter the station, someone mentions the archaeology. Best sit in silence. Drive past a huge billboard with a black and white picture of a rakishly handsome archaeologist draped over an impossibly beautiful woman. He's winking at you. Trowel in his left hand, supermodel in the right. Jurassic, by Calvin Klein.

And now the pub. A nice pub with a beer garden. Posters in the windows. LIVE EXCAVATION AT THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS! All of it on a huge TV with the volume up too loud. Drunken people yelling at the screen. "SEND IT FOR CARBON DATING, YOU USELESS ****!" "WHAT ARE YOU ON, MATE? DUST THE ANCIENT MEDALLION GENTLY! SMELTING METHODS OF THE TIME PRODUCED VERY SOFT AND IMPURE METALS EASILY PRONE TO DISFIGURATION!" All this from two men out of a crowd of twenty. One lousy drunken idiot and his chum ruin the image of other archaeology fans. Carbon dating report from the lab updates on TV, read by a man employed because they've been following the beautiful science since they were a boy. The drunk chimes in again. "WHAT PHARAOH'S REIGN DID YOU SAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE UNDERPINNINGS OF OUR THEORY OF AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT OF 4TH BC EGYPT? GET IN, MATE!" A cheer cascades through the building and you can only wonder why.

Best go home and avoid anyone who might be drinking and singing. You once met a disagreeable chap who threatened to beat you up because you didn't watch the archaeology. "Not a late paleolithic era supporter are you? Think you're better than me? I'll ****ing have you, you scrawny ****!"

To bed. To repeat the cycle tomorrow. The inescapable, inevitability that wherever you go, someone, somewhere, is just dying to talk to you about the archaeology.

That is awesome

EoghanIRL

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. one customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

Reddit

Savage Tyrant

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

A robber walks into a bank and shouts "Freeze - Give me all your cash!"
A brave customer pulls off the robbers mask and says 'I've seen your face now' .......So the robber shoots him dead.
"Anyone else seen my face?"
Silence for a moment, then someone pipes up, "I think that c*nt in the Rangers top got a glimpse"

EoghanIRL wrote: »

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. one customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

Reddit

Mine was slightly better.... :pac:

Happyman42

That Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't all it's cracked up to be. I should get out of the hospital on Saturday.

EoghanIRL

A man walks into a bank and proceeds to walk up to the nearest bank teller and pulls out a gun:
"Make one wrong move and you're geography!"
"Don't you mean history?" asks the teller
"Don't change the subject!"

The One Who Knocks

Two dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank shouting: "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fúck up!"

EoghanIRL

Two dyslexic robbers went to rob aldi but ended up at the dail .

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly...
'com-for-da-bul.'

EoghanIRL

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the "church workers".

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

---

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

---

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

---

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

---

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

---

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

---

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

---

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

---

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

---

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

---

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Fridayafternoon.

---

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

---

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

---

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

---

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

---

And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS




DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

RayCon

I went to a Sea Food night club last night ......


...... pulled a muscle.



(c) Tommy Cooper

FANTAPANTS

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

FANTAPANTS

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

h3000

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

FANTAPANTS wrote: »

MR Byrnes son was a little scum bag and his father organised a new job with the local butcher Mr Burgees
A few weeks passed and 1 morning his son wasnt at work.... got the sack... and his da went mental. Mr Byrnes went down to visit Mr Burgees to see what the son had done.. he asked why he was fired and mr burgees said he found his son out the back with his mickey stuck in the sausage maker!!!!!! Stunned his Mr Byrnes asked could he go out the backed and have a look at this sausage maker and the butcher replied "Sorry i cant....i had to fire him as well"

sorry if this was posted before

I lolled at the double post.

FANTAPANTS

h3000 wrote: »

I lolled at the double post.

double click i love it

EoghanIRL

An angry drill instructor yells at a new recruit .
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not ****ing wait in line for anything! Sir."

rolliepoley

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Maphisto

A woman and a man are in the back of his van doing the dirty.
Part way through the woman shouts out "Whip me fat boy, whip me"
The man is a little shocked. In anycase he has no whips - not really his thing.
Then a thought comes to him.
He brakes off the van's aerial and starts cracking it across the woman's ass.

A few days go by and the woman has very sore welts on her ass which are not healing.
She is very embarrassed but has to go to the Doctor.
The first thing the Doctor (an old family friend) says "You got these having sex"
The woman is mortified "What makes you say that?" she stammers.

"This is the worse case of Van Aerial Disease, I have ever seen" he says.

Hitchens

Is a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks a seasoned veteran?

Capt'n Midnight

Hitchens wrote: »

Is a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks a seasoned veteran?

was he assaulted ?

rolliepoley

Banks, a pickpocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr Banks, you are hereby fined £100."

His lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my lord. My client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

jonnybegood

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Theden he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

jonnybegood

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning roll out of bed,
and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

******************

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off.

********************

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her.
She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

*****************

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home,
admiring her new car, reading the manual."

*******************

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the bum this morning and said, 'Well babe,
Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course ??'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.

A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so?
With a bit of an attitude he said, and how may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

EoghanIRL

Nothing tears a family apart like a pack of wild dogs . Mitch quote

GBX

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the
quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

Maphisto

Bob goes out drinking with his mates.
He has a skinful.
He is slewtered.
Somehow he gets home and his wife puts him to bed.
But he has had so much alcohol that he dies in his sleep.

Standing in front of St Peter, Bob says
"I shouldn't be here, I'm not old"
St Peter did not expect to see Bob
"St Peter I have to get back to my family. I have to see my wife and daughter again.
St Peter thinks for a good while
"This is very unusual, but there is a Chicken farm near where you used to live. You could go there."
"Is that all you can do?"
"I'm afraid so. Take it or leave it" Says St Peter.
"OK then" Bob is down-hearted "I have to see my daughter again.

The next thing Bob is surrounded by chickens, he's covered in feathers, and he no longer has hands and arms, but wings.
How will he hold his daughter. A tear starts to form in Bob's eye.
Then a huge bird struts over to Bob.
"You the new hen?" The Rooster says.
"Yes I suppose I am." Stammers Bob
"Well don't worry about it, just peck around like the other girls."
"But this pain in my guts" says Bob.
"Ah, you're ovulating. Just breathe easy and go with it."

The pain in Bob's guts starts to get much worse, forcing him to crouch near the ground.
All of a sudden Bob lays an egg.
Instantly Bob forgets his sadness, he is full of maternal pride and joy over what he has created.
The pain in Bob's guts starts to build again, but this time he knows what it is.
He is ready for it this time
He lays another egg and another.
Bob is beaming with pride and maternal love all the other girls come over to look.

All of a sudden Bob gets a crack on the back of his neck.

His wife shouts "Bob wake up, you b4stard, you're $hitting the bed

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax player!

high Urinals


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

woof im a dog

What was the first thing Buzz Aldrin said to Neil Armstrong as they're walking on the surface of the moon?

"Neil there's no way, there's absolutely no way a cow jumped over this!"

byrner88

A man goes into the confessional box.

He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars.

On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy.

Finally, the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the wrong side."

Curly Judge

COMPLETE and FINISHED

No English dictionary adequately explains the difference between these two words... In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes. The final question was:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. He replied “Some people say there is little difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, ….. but when you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and unfortunately should the right one catch you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!”.

kingchess

priest saw a rough looking young man come in his church one day and so he kept his eye on him,the young man was walking up and down the church looking everywhere and seemed very anxious about something. the priest was very worried that the young man was going to rob him and steal the wine and God knows what else he might do-when suddenly,the young man hurried into the confession box, the priest was delighted and after a few minutes he went into his box to hear the confession(and giving out to himself for thinking the worst about a fellow human being). he opened the grill-silence-he gave a little cough-still silence-so finally to break the silence the priest said"can I help you with anything?" and the answer came back "yes-is there any fuucking toilet paper in your stall??"