The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

whiskeyman

To keep the Stevie Wonder jokes going:

Stevie Wonder turned down the chance to play Dublin years ago.
He couldn't see The Point...

Rick Deckard

Did no-one tell the old classic yet?!?







Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
No-one told him he's black.

Dolph Starbeam

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Dolph Starbeam

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."

hondasam

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Johnny?" "Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned,

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

hondasam

"Teacher, I have a question for you," says little Johnny.

"If there are 3 women sitting in an ice cream parlor, and one is biting her ice cream cone, the second is licking her ice cream cone, and the third is sucking her ice cream cone, how can you tell which one is married?"

The teacher thought for a moment, and says "The one who is sucking her ice cream cone is the married one."

"Wrong," says Johnny, "you can tell which one is married by which one has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

hondasam

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday Tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

Capt'n Midnight

pheasant tail wrote: »

Heard this one yesterday made me laugh

ME - well boss,,sorry but i dont think ill make it to work today...

BOSS - Why?

Me- sorry but im suffering from anal blindness..

Boss - Anal blind ness,what?? what you mean..

ME - yaa anal blindness,just cant see my arse getting out of bed dismorning

Anal Glaucoma in the original.


I refer you to Nicholas Monsarrat's "The Cruel Sea", where two men, discussing a woman, say
"She has marital thrombosis"
"Oh, what's that?"
"She has a clot for a husband!"

Capt'n Midnight

phelixoflaherty wrote: »

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

If that's the Seoul example of a divided country you can come up with then you won't have much of a Korea as a comedian.

Capt'n Midnight

Newspaper reporter asks Stevie Wonder,

"Stevie, what is it like to be born blind?"

Stevie replied,

"Could have been worse, I could've been born black!"

( I've heard that this is a true story )

Capt'n Midnight

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....



" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

stevejr

What's the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis

Gran Hermano

It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ''Embarrassing Bodies''.

Three actually. * *

---

"Isn't she lovely? Isn't she beautiful?"

Sorry Stevie, you're not really in a position to make that judgement. * *

Fago!

RichieC

Why is Steve wonder suing his Agent?

because he never saw a penny of his earnings.

Hootanany

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?Gonorrhea.

Galway K9

Hootanany wrote: »

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?Gonorrhea.

eww!

Hootanany

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

Barman says why the long face?

Ahorseofaman

how about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who stayed up all night wondering was there really a dog

D_murph

Ahorseofaman wrote: »

how about the dyslexic,agnostic,insomniac who stayed up all night wondering was there really a dog

That one came from the film Highlander Endgame IIRC .

Capt'n Midnight

did you hear about the Kerry Kamikaze pilot ?

Both missions were successful

4zn76tysfajdxp

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Newspaper reporter asks Stevie Wonder,

"Stevie, what is it like to be born blind?"

Stevie replied,

"Could have been worse, I could've been born black!"

( I've heard that this is a true story )

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....



" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

stevejr wrote: »

What's the definition of endless love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis

Fago! wrote: »

RichieC wrote: »

Why is Steve wonder suing his Agent?

because he never saw a penny of his earnings.

I hope Stevie Wonder never sees you guys making fun of him.

Compton

I tried to put mypenis as my facebook password but it keeps saying it's too long.

theendpoint

shblob wrote: »

I tried to put mypenis as my facebook password but it keeps saying it's too long.

Passing Facebook likes off as your own...doesn't get much lower than that.

No1J

What goes in out in out and smells of piss?

My Granny doing the hockie pockie.

Compton

theendpoint wrote: »

Passing Facebook likes off as your own...doesn't get much lower than that.

cool story bro. who said it was my own??>

if you could read properly you'd notice that the thread title is.. best joke ye ever heard.. :rolleyes:

mufcboy1999

how much cocaine did charlie sheen take?

enough to kill two and a half men:D

No1J

How does a T******(likes driving Hiace's) know that his daughter is on her period?


His sons cock tastes different.

Goldenegg

What does PRIEST stand for?

Paedophile
Rapist
In
Every
Small
Town

hondasam

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, I wish that was Sharon Stone.

George echoed, I wish it was Demi Moore.

Little Johnny sighed, I wish it was dark . . .

Savage Tyrant

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Voodoomelon

One of my favourites, around the time the Pope died at Easter.

Whats brown and half eaten? The Popes easter egg.

longhalloween

No1J wrote: »

How does a T******(likes driving Hiace's) know that his daughter is on her period?

shes only wearin one sock

ball

Stastistics say, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

Savage Tyrant

ball wrote: »

Stastistics say, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy...

Probably posted already but...

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Kafanha

Whats the difference between Ironman and Iron woman?

One is a superhero,the other is a simple instruction!!

im invisible

So I was in the Garda Station yesterday,
And the lad in front was asking about Garda Clearance so he could visit Australia.

And I was thinking to myself 'gotta be over 5' 11'' anyway'

seanybiker

Definition of suspicion ?

Priest doing press ups in long grass.

im invisible

I've been offered 8 venison legs for £50, does anyone think it might be too dear?

howyanow

what did st.patrick say to the snakes whn he was driving them out of ireland?
are ye alright in the back there lads!!

ynul31f47k6b59

Paddy goes into Superdrug and asks "Have you got any KY jelly?" The assistant says "No, sorry, have you tried Boots?" Paddy replies "I want to slide in, not fcuking march in!"

An old lady, aged 85, a virgin, was about to die. She left instructions that her tombstone should read "Born a virgin. Lived a virgin. Died a virgin." The engraver shortened it to "Returned Unopened."

Three women - one is engaged, one is a mistress, and one is married. They decide to dress up for their men in black leather bras, stilettos, and masks. The next day, the engaged woman and the mistress both agree that they had the best sex ever. The married woman said that her husband came home, took one look at her, and said "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Hootanany

The AA has warned the cost of petrol will take poor and needy people off the roads.Shame really... I always look forward to getting my windscreen cleaned at traffic lights

mcgarry098

a blonde walks into an electrical shop, goes up to the counter and says id like to be this t.v. The man says sorry did you not see the sign " no blonde's allowed, now get out".

So she walks out of the shop and puts on a brown wig, then goes back in and again goes "hi id like to buy this t.v." The man starts getting angry and says "i told you already no blonde's allowed, now get out".

So she walks out of the shop takes of her make up and dresses up as a man, she's unrecognisable at this stage, then she goes back into the shop goes up to the counter and says "Hi id like to buy this t.v". The man goes crazy and says "thats it, ill tell you one last time no blonde's allowed, so get out now and dont come back or im calling the gaurds" . the woman says " fine but just tell me this, how do you know im a blonde". the man reply's : " because thats a microwave not a t.v."

mcgarry098

best joke : womens rights :P

ynul31f47k6b59

[FONT=Trebuchet MS, sans-serif]What have a catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? [/FONT]
[FONT=Trebuchet MS, sans-serif]Black coat, white collar, and god help your arse if you get a dodgy one.[/FONT]

bnt

Q: What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

smurf311

A man with no legs was waitng for a bus, a few mins later the bus pulls up beside him, the driver opens the door and says to the man, well, how you getting on

Red Hand

When I die, I want to die peacefully like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

four18

What is D N A short for ?

national dyslexia association !:D

TheAnswer

I got fired from my job in the orange juice factory last week, they said I wasn't concentrating.