The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

jimgoose

ArnoldJRimmer wrote: »

Just for you, some Frank Carson classics:

My daughter came home one day and told me that she had some good news and some bad news about my car. She said 'The good news is that the airbag works.'

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: "No dogs allowed". He said: "You allow guide dogs." I said: "Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors." He said, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

It's a wee cracker, hi!! :):) God bless you Frank, wherever you are.

ohmslaw

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.
















And those waiting for a ternary punchline.

Is that not 11?

groovie

ohmslaw wrote: »

Is that not 11?

10 in ternary is equivalent to 3 in decimal.

sh1tstirrer

How Yodeling Began

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair, straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried, "after we made such passionate love last night?"
"What?" shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLDLADEEETOO!" And that's how yodeling began.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

did you make that up yourself or did you hear it?

sh1tstirrer

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

did you make that up yourself or did you hear it?

I have the sole copyright to it

Flood

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

rolliepoley

Paddy wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him, "you must answer 3 questions on the Holy Bible."

"1st, who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum", he answered.

"2nd, what do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all known germs", he said.

"3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

"That's easy," he said, "Popeye kicked the s**t out of them!"

rolliepoley

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

ohmslaw

groovie wrote: »

10 in ternary is equivalent to 3 in decimal.

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

enniscorthy

3 KNACKERS WALK INTO A BAR

THE BARMAN LOOKS UP AND SAYS

GET THE FCK OUT OF HERE


HEHE

coolhull

ohmslaw wrote: »

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

If we keep going like this, we'll end up in A & E, and not because we've split our sides laughing

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.

No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.

No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Capt'n Midnight

ohmslaw wrote: »

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

Challenge accepted.

Why do programmers celebrate Christmas at Halloween ?




Because Dec 25 is the same as Oct 31

Capt'n Midnight

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Challenge accepted.

Why do programmers celebrate Christmas at Halloween ?




Because Dec 25 is the same as Oct 31

I'll put a HEX on you for that joke. ....

EoghanIRL

If 8 got laid it would be fücking without limits.

Oyva bigwan

Guess what???




Chicken Butt

Senecio

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

I have the sole copyright to it

I think someone beat you to it.

NSFW

http://youtu.be/Mtdu_do2NDo

Flood

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Skullface McGubbin

A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."

nootroc

Skullface McGubbin wrote: »

A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New ‘Wives’ store just across the street.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Busted Flat.

The Test for homemade butter, method used since time began.

After completing the task of making the butter the farmer brings in the cat and puts some butter on the cat's mouth, If the cat licks his lips it's good if the cat runs outside and likes its hóól its considered bad.

foxy farmer

Busted Flat. wrote: »

The Test for homemade butter, method used since time began.

After completing the task of making the butter the farmer brings in the cat and puts some butter on the cat's mouth, If the cat licks his lips it's good if the cat runs outside and likes its hóól its considered bad.[/quote
A priest told me that like this.
A bunch of lads are called in one day for the dinner during the harvest thrashing in days gone by. While eating the grub one of the lads notices the butter tastes a bit off. After a bit a few more develop an aversion to it.
After a bit the woman of the house comes in and notices the lads eating dry white bread.
"Plenty of butter on the table lads don't be shy."
One of them replies "it tastes a bit rancid"
"Good God no twas only made last night. "
"Well theres a better judge than you or me here under the table" he says
He cuts a bit of butter and throws it to the cat. The cat jumps for it but promptly drops it out of his mouth, coughs walks away and sits in the middle of the floor. He then proceeds to lick his nether regions.
Well Ma'am theres the proof. He's licking his arse to get the taste out of his mouth.

Flood

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

MojoRisinnnn

I once entered a pun contest. The rules were simple: you submit ten puns and any one of those puns could win gold, silver, or bronze in the competition. I submitted my ten puns hoping one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

jonnybegood

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the pint of Guinness and the Harp.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

rolliepoley

Ann Summers are now selling an alcoholic vagina gel. Anti-drink campaigners fear it might lead to 24hr minge drinking!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

blueser

So "funny" it bears repeating, eh?

blueser

blueser wrote: »

So "funny" it bears repeating, eh?

It's the "boards.ie" duplicator at work, I wish it worked for money as well. :pac:

Cheese Wagstaff

A man walks into a pub. There's a great atmosphere inside: crackling fire, beer flowing, and musical entertainment provided by a local piano player in the corner.

The man sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. As the barman is getting his change, the man decides to take his first sip. Out of nowhere, a monkey in a tuxedo drops from the rafters, swipes the pint and runs to the opposite end of the counter. The man follows him to get it back but to no avail, as the monkey drinks the pint in one gulp before his eyes.

Outraged, the man beckons the barman over. "That monkey has just taken my drink! Why is a monkey in the pub anyway?". The barman apologizes and advises that the monkey belongs to the piano player, and he should air his grievances with him.

The man walks over to the corner of the pub still very annoyed, and taps the piano player on the shoulder. "Do you know your monkey just stole my pint?".

The piano player replies "I'm afraid that I don't, but if you hum it I'll give it a go!".

blueser

Deleted User wrote: »

It's the "boards.ie" duplicator at work, I wish it worked for money as well. :pac:

What; there's money to be made on here? Where do I sign up?

tayto lover

Myself and the wife were in Dunnes Stores the other day when out of the blue she said I was the laziest man she ever met.
I was so shocked i nearly fell out of the bloody trolley.

thedooner

Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her upcoming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father... he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 14 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".

MonkieSocks

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind Man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.











"Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Flood

I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and i said, "you remind me of my little toe" she said "is that because I'm small and cute?"
I replied "no", its because Im probably gonna bang you on my coffee table.

AlanS181824

An old one but still funny!

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying: "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommateis too selfish to notice. He's always crying!

Curly Judge

New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming

rolliepoley

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me, because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."...!!

rolliepoley

I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the barber said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?"

I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please."

So he put on a parka and said, "Alright knobhead."

rolliepoley

Dear Justin Beiber haters,
I owe my life to Justin.
On July 5th 2014, I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio on to Justin's song.
So I got up, and turned the fcuking thing off.

Curly Judge

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Curly Judge

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Ihatecuddles

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those knickers!!!"

kfallon

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night!

She nearly had my fúckin' eye out!!!

eamonnq

kfallon wrote: »

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night!

She nearly had my fúckin' eye out!!!

Deaf or dumb ?

Capt'n Midnight

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

foxy farmer

Jim Farrell got a well paying job in pharmaceuticals in the States. He discovered a new rejuvenating drug that reversed the aging process.
He sent a letter home to his mother enclosing a course of the new drug.
" Read the instructions before taking these. Can't wait to see the changes. I'll be home in 6 months."
6 months passed and Jim landed at Dublin Airport. Through the waiting throng in the arrival hall came a stunning woman pushing a buggy. "Jim don't you recognise me? I'm your mother. I took one of the pills and look at me.!
"I can see that " he said "but what's that in the buggy?"
"Aaamm that's your father, he took 2 pills!"

rolliepoley

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy.