The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

JohnDx

What do you call a dog with no legs.

..... It doesn't matter; its not going to come.

rolliepoley

They say an Irishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second time a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

ScummyMan

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

eisenberg1

rolliepoley wrote: »

They say an Irishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second time a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

Who says that?

Comer1

JohnDx wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no legs.

..... It doesn't matter; its not going to come.

Call him "Major," you can take him for a drag every day.

blueser

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Who says that?

"They".

eisenberg1

blueser wrote: »

"They".

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

Captain Snow

Bacon is bacon, eggs is eggs, don’t let him between your legs he says your cute he says your fine 9 months later he says that’s not mine!

God made rivers, god made lakes, god made you, we all make mistakes.

Roses are Red, Black is Black, Come to my House, I'll sell some Crack.

Roses are red, I have a phone, nobody texts me Forever Alone.

Roses are blue Violets are red I've got this wrong So lets go to bed.

Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your ****.

Dimes are silver, nickels are brass, why does you face look like your ass.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

blueser

eisenberg1 wrote: »

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

To be fair, it isn't THAT much worse than some of the stuff that's been posted on here. Go back a few pages to the great debate about an '8' being a '0' with a belt on. As Quint said in Jaws; "Jesus H Christ"!

scottmcb04

eisenberg1 wrote: »

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

maybe ya just don't get it yet... wait a week!















I agree it's a terrible joke!

Good Morning,




Bloke walks into a Pakistani Book shop and asks for a book on UKIP.

The shopkeeper says, “Fúck Off, Get Out and Don’t come back”

The bloke says, “Yes, that’s the one"

Witchie

What cheese does a magician eat?

Cheddah!

Markcheese

Witchie wrote: »

What cheese does a magician eat?

Cheddah!

Sounds like he's from boston as well -

Cheese Wagstaff

blueser wrote: »

To be fair, it isn't THAT much worse than some of the stuff that's been posted on here. Go back a few pages to the great debate about an '8' being a '0' with a belt on. As Quint said in Jaws; "Jesus H Christ"!

The joke was amazing. I can't be held responsible for the fallout

MonkieSocks

A freak Storm has hit parts of The British Midlands, where a Pakistani Family was killed by a falling tree.




A spokesman for Birmingham City Council said, "We didn't even know they lived up there!"

rolliepoley

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

we have em, as well

ClovenHoof

The film censor of Saudi Arabia gave a press conference explaining why he banned 50 Shades of Grey.

"It would send out the wrong message to my 9 year old wife."

Mike Litoris

Busted Flat. wrote: »

The Test for homemade butter, method used since time began.

After completing the task of making the butter the farmer brings in the cat and puts some butter on the cat's mouth, If the cat licks his lips it's good if the cat runs outside and likes its hóól its considered bad.

Dude, that is hilariously shíte.

fr336

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

fr336

Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were
equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer
asked,

'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the
second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.

'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn
comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the
guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE EFFIN' LIGHT, I shat meself!!

Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!

Witchie

I don't like Russian Dolls....they are so full of themselves.

blueser

I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film...

The place was buzzing.

Mr Tibbs

A mental patient was caught banging two girls down in the laundry room by the matron.
He jumped out the window and escaped before she could call for help.
The headline in the paper the next day said.

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

nootroc

Picture a room full of pregnant women with their husbands, at the local ante natal class.
A nurse says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.






























.......






















.......
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”
******
Have a fun filled weekend folks

MonkieSocks

Man walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.

Bartender gives him an apple. The man holds it up and asks

"What the hell is this?

Bartender: "Just bite the apple."

The man does: "Hey this is Gin!"

Bartender: "Now turn it around."

Man: "And this is tonic!"

"That's why I gave you that apple" says the bartender to his now satisfied customer.

Another man walks in and asks for a rum and coke.

Once again, the bartender hands him an apple. "Hey this is Rum!" says the man, and turning it around "Hey this is coke!"

A very drunk man walks into the bar

"I wan' some PUSSY!" He yells. The bartender gives him an apple.

"This tastes like s4it!" says the man.







Bartender: "Turn it around!"

ghostfacekilla

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?




How're you getting on?

Melisandre121

A man walks into Tesco and goes straight to the hot counter to steal a cooked chicken. He gets it and runs out the door with it and the security guard runs after him. "Get back here!" He shouts, "what are you doing with that!"

"Cabbage and potatoes!" The man shouts back.

sligojoek

Two lads who were near the end of their treatment in the mental hospital were sent to work for the local council to get them ready for the outside world. On the first morning their doctor went out to the site to see how they were getting on. Paddy was down on a hole digging for all he was worth while Mick was standing still on the footpath with a pickaxe held over his head. The doctor asked him what he was doing and he replied "I'm a lamp post." The doc said "You're not cured yet. Put down that pick axe and come back to the hospital with me"

Next thing Paddy stops digging and gets out of the hole. The doctor asks him where he's going.

Paddy replies, "Shur for fucks sake. I can't work in the dark"

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
'white' they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes. I think they were those J Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital... one's in a korma... The other's got a dodgy tikka!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Sorry ladies!)

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Curly Judge

"IF WE COULD CONVINCE THE CHINESE THAT JIHADISTS' TESTICLES ARE AN
APHRODISIAC,

IN 10 YEARS THEY COULD BE EXTINCT ... "

Curly Judge

"IF WE COULD CONVINCE THE CHINESE THAT JIHADISTS' TESTICLES ARE AN
APHRODISIAC,

IN 10 YEARS THEY COULD BE EXTINCT ... "

IF WE FIND OUT HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK, It'll be a lot quieter around here. :P

Ted_YNWA

Curly Judge wrote: »

"IF WE COULD CONVINCE THE CHINESE THAT JIHADISTS' TESTICLES ARE AN
APHRODISIAC,

IN 10 YEARS THEY COULD BE EXTINCT ... "

But the Chinese are a great bunch of lads.

Flood

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Santa Cruz

Markcheese wrote: »

Sounds like he's from boston as well -

and likes Chowdeh! Is that you Freddy Quimby?

M5

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38.

It just looks 25.

Rubberlegs

Why was the egg arrested?
It was walking down the road with it's yolk hanging out.

What do you say to a constipated cat ?
Have a break, have a sh1t cat

rolliepoley

What are the three fastest means of communication?

Television

Telephone

Telawoman

sligojoek

Did you hear the one about the three eggs?

No

Too bad.

Probably better told than written

Comer1

sligojoek wrote: »

Probably better told than written

I doubt it

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs
it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

rolliepoley

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After i quit shaking from the cold. I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so i came home early to catch him in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that i started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then i went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I keep this up until i had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that i just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer___we'd both still be alive.

Bykobap

Whats Jehovah's Witnesses favourite band ? The Doors

jimgoose

Young Anwar Ibm Ibrahim misfired on the way to the job and ended up in the domain of Allah. As he was mysteriously propelled toward a great white light, a feeling of unimaginable bliss came over him as he began to think of his eternal reward, as befitting a martyr.

<BANG!> The butt of a Colt Single-Action Army .45 caught him a right cracker just behind the ear. It transpired this was wielded by James Madison. Hardly a second later he gets an almighty hoof to the plumsack by none other than Ulysses S. Grant. This is followed by several boots and haymakers from such dignitaries as Paul Bunyan, Jim Monroe, Alexander Hamilton and George Washington himself.

This shows no sign of abating, so our man yells out "Stop, stop, STOP!! What is going on?? What kind of Paradise is this??"

Mr. Washington steps forward. "Son," he said, "I'm afraid there was a misprint a long time back. It's supposed to say '72 Virginians'!"

Mallagio

What ya call a fly without wings???....

A Walk

TheChevron

Anyone see that Rolex documentary?

It's a good watch.

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest! His headstone reads:



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.



2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.



3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.



4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.



5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

rolliepoley

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'janey" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is."

"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.


"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how wide it is".

chewed

Had a bad mix-up at PC World today.

Cashier said "strip down facing me".

Apparently he meant my credit card.