The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the National Health Service.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but,
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists- had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
While the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

rolliepoley

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year,
only two banks will be left operational...
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank,
and before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody ****!

MonkieSocks

Father O'Malley was reviewing the homework in the Biology class one morning.

"Mary Margaret", he said,

"can you tell us what part of the body expands to ten times its size when excited?"

Mary Margaret blushed and exclaimed,

"Why, Father! I'm going to tell my parents what you said. You should be ashamed of yourself, saying things like that in a church school."

Father O'Malley asked another student, Maria Theresa, if she knew the answer. Maria Theresa said,

"It's the iris of the eye."

"Correct", said Father O'Malley.

Then he turned and said,

"Mary Margaret,I have just three things to say to you. First, you have a very dirty mind.

Second, you obviously did not do your Biology homework last night.

Third, when you get a little older you are going to be very disappointed

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year,
only two banks will be left operational...
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank,
and before you know it, these two will merge,
and the whole place will be full of bloody ****!

I wonder do sperm banks ever have to do quantitative easing??

dilallio

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

rolliepoley

chughes wrote: »

I wonder do sperm banks ever have to do quantitative easing??

Stimulate the donors.

Hagar7

A rabbit walked into a butchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No mate' said the butcher, 'This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

The following day, the rabbit walks into the buchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No' said the butcher, ''Aren't up you the same rabbit as yesterday? I already told you. This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

This continues for a couple of days, until finally the butcher lost patience. 'Listen you' he said, 'If you come in here one more day and ask for carrots, I'm going to nail your ****in' ears to the counter!!'

The following day, the rabbit arrives back. 'Got any nails?' he asked the butcher. 'No' said the butcher. '

OK' said the rabbit. 'Got any carrots?!'

Hagar7

A rabbit walked into a butchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No mate' said the butcher, 'This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

The following day, the rabbit walks into the buchers, walked up to the counter and says 'Got any carrots?'. 'No' said the butcher, ''Aren't up you the same rabbit as yesterday? I already told you. This is a butchers. Try the veg shop down the road'.

This continues for a couple of days, until finally the butcher lost patience. 'Listen you' he said, 'If you come in here one more day and ask for carrots, I'm going to nail your ****in' ears to the counter!!'

The following day, the rabbit arrives back. 'Got any nails?' he asked the butcher. 'No' said the butcher. '

OK' said the rabbit. 'Got any carrots?!'

eisenberg1

Mick Hucknall was caught having sex with a rabbit.

The judge asked had he anything to say for himself.

He replied "I was holding back the ears, 'cos the bunny was too tight to mention"

PM me nudes

A man was walking to the pub to meet his friends. To get to the pub he had to cross a set of train tracks.

When he got to the train tracks, he found a girl lying there, tied up. He kindly untied her, and they had sex.

Afterwards, the man continued onto the pub and told his friends the story. "Did you get head?" one said. "No, she didn't have one" the man replied.

MonkieSocks

It is the End of Times, and all the JFK conspiracy buffs are lined up before the throne of Heaven.

The oldest conspiracy buff asks God, "Can you please tell us who killed JFK?"

The Lord says, "I will tell you this just once.

Oswald killed JFK, and he acted alone."

Another conspiracy buff nudges the one next to him.

"Wow - this goes deeper than we thought!"

byrner88

A man is eating some peanuts.
He throws them up and catches them in his mouth as they come down.
As soon as he throws a peanut up into the air, his wife asks him a question.

The man, startled, looks towards his wife and the peanut falls into his ear.
He tries shaking his head, but it wont come out.
He tries using q-tips, tweezers, and anything he can think of, yet the only thing he succeeds in doing is pushing the peanut further into his ear.
His daughter and her boyfriend come in, and the boyfriend says he can help.
He shoves his fingers into the man's nose, and tells him to close his mouth and blow.

Sure enough, the peanut comes flying out,
Later on, the wife asks what the man thinks the boy will be when he grows up.

The man replied,

Judging by the smell of his fingers, I'd say our Son-In-Law

Hagar7

byrner88 wrote: »

A man is eating some peanuts.
He throws them up and catches them in his mouth as they come down.
As soon as he throws a peanut up into the air, his wife asks him a question.

The man, startled, looks towards his wife and the peanut falls into his ear.
He tries shaking his head, but it wont come out.
He tries using q-tips, tweezers, and anything he can think of, yet the only thing he succeeds in doing is pushing the peanut further into his ear.
His daughter and her boyfriend come in, and the boyfriend says he can help.
He shoves his fingers into the man's nose, and tells him to close his mouth and blow.

Sure enough, the peanut comes flying out,
Later on, the wife asks what the man thinks the boy will be when he grows up.

The man replied,

Judging by the smell of his fingers, I'd say our Son-In-Law

Aw maaaaaan,I'm just halfway through my dinner,could ye no wait until about 7.30 until ye posted yer joke.:(

MonkieSocks

Hagar7 wrote: »

Aw maaaaaan,I'm just halfway through my dinner,could ye no wait until about 7.30 until ye posted yer joke.:(

You’ll love this


This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.

The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.

The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.


A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.

This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.

There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.


Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.

This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

Hagar7

MonkieSocks wrote: »

You’ll love this


This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out.

The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.

The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.


A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman.

This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.

There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.


Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.

This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.

The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

Aw nawwwww,ADMIN,IS THERE ANY ADMIN AROUND,HELP !!!

muffler

Hagar7 wrote: »

IS THERE ANY ADMIN AROUND,HELP !!!

....to use the straws?

Hagar7

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm gonny change back tae Hagar the Nice.

MonkieSocks

When I was a 12-year-old, my Dad took me Camping one weekend.

As we sat around the fire I said, "Dad, I need a S4IT."

"Go and have one then," he said.

"That's the beauty of camping, you can S4IT anywhere you want and you won't get into trouble."

I walked off and came back a few minutes later.

"Where did you have one?" He asked.



I said, "In your Sleeping Bag."

branie2

What do you call an Irish man who can control his wife?

A bachelor

Melisandre121

I sold my hoover yesterday, the thing was just gathering dust.

Melisandre121

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I sold my hoover yesterday, the thing was just gathering dust.

That joke sucks! :P

Happyman42

My 11 year old got a book of 'anti-jokes' and fell out of the bedroom laughing this morning. Great start to the day!


Why did the boy drop his ice-cream.




Coz he got hit by a bus.

ectoraige

Happyman42 wrote: »

My 11 year old got a book of 'anti-jokes' and fell out of the bedroom laughing this morning. Great start to the day! .

I read that as "bedroom window", thought it was an excellent example of the genre.

Happyman42

ectoraige wrote: »

I read that as "bedroom window", thought it was an excellent example of the genre.

Would it be wrong to waken him up to tell him that one...or wait to morning?

Mr Tibbs

Chief Sitting Bull toured Europe with Buffalo Bills Wild Circus.
Everytime he booked into a hotel the receptionist used to ask him.
Have you a reservation.

wupucus

it has been so long since my wife let me have my way with her, when she eventually relented last Saturday night , parting her legs was like opening a toasted cheese sandwich !!!!!

MonkieSocks

wupucus wrote: »

it has been so long since my wife let me have my way with her, when she eventually relented last Saturday night , parting her legs was like opening a toasted cheese sandwich !!!!!

What sort of Cheese was that?

eisenberg1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What sort of Cheese was that?

I'd say it was Mary, cheeses and Joseph.

TheChevron

eisenberg1 wrote: »

I'd say it was Mary, cheeses and Joseph.

Cheeses, Mary and Joseph?

eisenberg1

TheChevron wrote: »

Cheeses, Mary and Joseph?

No, the cheese was in the middle.........either way, I have no clue what the original joke was about.

MonkieSocks

eisenberg1 wrote: »

No, the cheese was in the middle.........either way, I have no clue what the original joke was about.

Cheeses Christ, " Blessed Are The Cheese Makers"

SoFluffy

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
😝

MonkieSocks

SoFluffy wrote: »

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
😝

Now we know why his Sack is so big

chughes

SoFluffy wrote: »

Whats the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has 3 ho's!!!!
😝

Yes, but he only got his hole in one.....

fleet_admiral

MonkieSocks wrote: »

Now we know why his Sack is so big

His sack is so big because he only cums once a year

MonkieSocks

fleet_admiral wrote: »

His sack is so big because he only cums once a year

No wonder he has low elf-esteem

Buford T. Justice XIX

fleet_admiral wrote: »

His sack is so big because he only cums once a year

And when he does, it's down a chimney...

jonnybegood

A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,


"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"



The operator said,


"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"



The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,


"Norma Findlay, Room 302."



The operator replied,


"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."



After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,


"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."



The grandmother said,


"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."



The operator replied,


"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"



The grandmother said,


"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F**K ALL!"

tayto lover

jonnybegood wrote: »

A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,


"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"



The operator said,


"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"



The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,


"Norma Findlay, Room 302."



The operator replied,


"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."



After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,


"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."



The grandmother said,


"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."



The operator replied,


"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"



The grandmother said,


"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F**K ALL!"

When did she change her name?

JCX BXC

tayto lover wrote: »

When did she change her name?

What?

fr336

Carnacalla wrote: »

What?

I'm guessing they meant that they've seen the joke before with a different name in the starring role :P Could be wrong though

ctrl-alt-delete

I am up in court tomorrow charged with stealing a canvas picture of myself, i maintain that I was framed.

howyanow

ctrl-alt-delete wrote: »

I am up in court tomorrow charged with stealing a canvas picture of myself, i maintain that I was framed.

Myself and my friend were in court before charged with stealing a calendar.

We got 6 months each!

Capt'n Midnight

She was only a poitín makers daughter, but I loved her still.

chughes

She was only the farmer's daughter but all the farm manure......

MonkieSocks

Q: What do you get when you cross an Atheist and a Jehovah's Witness?

A: Someone who goes around knocking on people's doors for no reason.

Hotblack Desiato

howyanow wrote: »

Myself and my friend were in court before charged with stealing a calendar.

We got 6 months each!

2 men were arrested, one for stealing batteries and swallowing them, the other for stealing fireworks and shoving them up his @rse

The first was charged, the second was let off

Hagar7

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some crap. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his crap, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out"

The crowd is up on their feet. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Hagar7

Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. At the examining room he told the doctor, "now you mustn't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

"It's swollen," Dan replied.

Busted Flat.

Husband says to wife on Mothers day "would you like me to cook breakfast or shag for Mothers day, she replies we shag its easier for me to clean up my F///y than the kitchen.