The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Ann22

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

>Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did,
>and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a
>peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
>standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
>
>"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>bedroom?"
>
>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
>
>Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
>too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
>me back straight away".
>
>St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
>We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
>
>Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
>covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't
>so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside
>him.
>
>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
>are you enjoying your first day here?"
>
>"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
>like I'm about to explode".
>
>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
>laid an egg before".
>
>"Never" replies Brian
>
>"Well just relax and let it happen"
>
>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
>out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
>and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
>the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness
>was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
>best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!
>
>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
>felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
>shouting "Brian, wake up you bas*ard, you're sh*tting in the bed"

Brilliant!:D

JerryHandbag

A guy walks into a jewellery store and stands in the middle of the shop floor. Suddenly, he puts his hand down the back of his pants and starts to furiously scratch his arse crack.

The shop assistant rushes over to him "Excuse me! You're causing a scene, could you stop it please!"

The guy says "Oh, I'm just following what your sign outside says"

Shop assistant "What sign??!!"

"The one on the door - COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT"

CrinkElite

How do you know if your room-mate's gay?

His cock tastes like sh1te

Dublin_Gunner

mcgarry098 wrote: »

a blonde walks into an electrical shop, goes up to the counter and says id like to be this t.v. The man says sorry did you not see the sign " no blonde's allowed, now get out".

So she walks out of the shop and puts on a brown wig, then goes back in and again goes "hi id like to buy this t.v." The man starts getting angry and says "i told you already no blonde's allowed, now get out".

So she walks out of the shop takes of her make up and dresses up as a man, she's unrecognisable at this stage, then she goes back into the shop goes up to the counter and says "Hi id like to buy this t.v". The man goes crazy and says "thats it, ill tell you one last time no blonde's allowed, so get out now and dont come back or im calling the gaurds" . the woman says " fine but just tell me this, how do you know im a blonde". the man reply's : " because thats a microwave not a t.v."

Because this is a bookies.

Rick Deckard

Michael O'Leary went into a pub and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said : "That'll be 1 Euro please, Mr. O'Leary.
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied;
"That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money.

"Would you be wanting a glass with that Sir ?" asked the barman.

--Kaiser--

What can you do to stop your girlfriend smoking after sex?

Slow down!

Wossack

why did the chicken cross the mobias strip?

to get to the same side

Plazaman

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....



" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

CLIFF RICHARD is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

"Pray Itchy Fanny" shouts one little old man.
"Don't know that one" says Cliff
"Your big hit, Itchy Fanny, pray it preese" says little old man
"Can you start it for me" asks Cliff
"Itchy Fanny, how we don't talk anymore........"

Agonist

Just saw this Sean Moncreiff retweet

Why was Adobe Acrobat sent to prison? He was a PDF file!! Boooom!

Dolph Starbeam

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in 1st year. Who has the biggest tits?

The blonde, because she's 18.

Rick Deckard

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says,
'Listen Morris, enough is enough . I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

dusted

What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare from your hole but you cant pull a rabbit

:D:D

HenryChinaski

I like my women like I like my whiskey. Twelve years old and shtinking of whiskey!!

seafood dunleavy

An Irishman,an Englishman and Angelina Jolie are on a train.The train goes under a bridge and the train goes into darkness.When the train comes out the Englishman is holding his nose in pain.

The Englishman thinks to himself,"That Irishman must have tried to feel Angelina Jolie's arse and she hit me thinking I did it!"

Angelina Jolie thinks to herself,"That Englishman must have felt my arse and the Irishman hit him because of it!"

The Irishman thinks to himself,"I hope we go under another bridge so I can deck that English cúnt again!"

Aishae

have you noticed with men and sports: in their 20's the love football, in the 30's they get on to cricket, in their 40's they play golf... their balls get smaller!

_____
ok not exactly true but funny :P

i love overheardindublin.com - my fave recent story:
a man on a ryanair flight to birmigham pressed the stewardess button for assistance. when she comes along she says whats the problem? he points to his tray which wont stay up - it keeps falling down. she says 'jaysus, i swear this plane is falling apart'
or something to that effect!

Swarlez

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

saxmaniaque

Two priests on hilidays in States have a good time on rodeo. The first one falls down in a second, but the second priest is so good that gets off the bull when bored.
- 'How did you do it?' asks irritated friend.
- 'One of my acolytes has epilepsy'

BOHtox

A father and his son are in a car accident. The father dies at the scene and the son is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the boy and says "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!"

Compton

What does a liverpool fan do after they've won the league..










Turn off the playstation and go back to bed with their sister.

StupidLikeAFox

seafood dunleavy wrote: »

An Irishman,an Englishman and Angelina Jolie are on a train.The train goes under a bridge and the train goes into darkness.When the train comes out the Englishman is holding his nose in pain.

The Englishman thinks to himself,"That Irishman must have tried to feel Angelina Jolie's arse and she hit me thinking I did it!"

Angelina Jolie thinks to herself,"That Englishman must have felt my arse and the Irishman hit him because of it!"

The Irishman thinks to himself,"I hope we go under another bridge so I can deck that English cúnt again!"

FAIL!

Ganymede Glow

Carlos Tevez has a new cooking grill coming out, its so good he stuck his face on it

fillmore jive

Ganymede Glow wrote: »

Carlos Tevez has a new cooking grill coming out, its so good he stuck his face on it

:eek:

Ganymede Glow

fillmore jive wrote: »

:eek:

CrinkElite

What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck up his arse?

Warren

LaSange

Why did the plane fall out of the sky?















The pilot was a loaf of bread.

LaSange

What happened when the black man looked up his family tree?

A gorilla shat on his face

Mod note: user banned

sinjin_smythe

Did you know if you spell Navan backwards,,,,



















































its still a ****hole.

Poor Uncle Tom

I see where McSavage gets his material......

macroboy

Three men walk into a bar....
one of them turns around and around while singing two tribes.
the other two pull down their jocks and take a ****e on the floor.

they walk out.






now if you saw that,tell me you wouldnt be in utter convulsions laughing.


lol

slowlydownwards

Three lads, Italian, Spanish and Irish are bragging about their love making skills.
Italian: "When I finish making love to my bambina, I kiss her gently on her neck and she floats six inches above the bed!"
Spansih: "When I finish making love to my senorita, I kiss her gently behind her knees, and she floats twelve inches above the bed!"
Irishman: "When I'm finished with my bird, I wipe my mickey of the curtains and she goes through the roof!"

--Kaiser--

HenryChinaski wrote: »

I like my women like I like my whiskey. Twelve years old and shtinking of whiskey!!

Tut tut.....it's:
I like my women like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with Coke

Cantona's Collars

shblob wrote: »

What does a liverpool fan do after they've won the league..










Turn off the playstation they nicked and go back to bed with their sister.

Fixed that.:D

claddy

Two situations where the words "rod exposed" causes panic: nuclear reactors and playgrounds.:)

Belle E. Flops

Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella??

Fo Drizzle!

Gunsfortoys

Belle E. Flops wrote: »

Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella??

Fo Drizzle!

I would put that into the worst joke I have ever heard category.

Belle E. Flops

Gunsfortoys wrote: »

I would put that into the worst joke I have ever heard category.

It kills after a night out!!

Aidric

Belle E. Flops wrote: »

It kills after a night out!!

On heroin?

DublinWriter

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

mufcboy1999

Gunsfortoys wrote: »

I would put that into the worst joke I have ever heard category.

ah its corny but funny im a hip hop head so it brought a bit of a smile.

saxmaniaque

DublinWriter wrote: »

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One.

That suppose to be polish joke I suppose. (slightly different). Dont be scared to put the original one. No one will screw you!

Savage Tyrant

A man decides he's going to start making his own Honey. So he visits a bee farm and asks the owner if he can buy 10 bees to get himself started. No problem.
The bee farmer puts the bees in a jar for the man who then pays him and makes to leave. He decides to quickly count the bees and in doing so realises the farmer has put 11 bees in the jar.
Being the honest bloke he is, he turns and tells the farmer of his mistake
"Excuse me sir, you've given me eleven bees here instead of ten"
"No problem" says the farmer, "the extra one is a free bee"

saxmaniaque

Husband tells his wife:
- 'Get ready. Myself, you and dog are going fishing in a minute!'
- 'But I dont want to...' says wife
- 'All right then, but you have to pick one of options: blowj..b or an..l!' he replys. She goes on first one and while sucking says: It tastes like sh..t!!!
- 'Dog didnt want to go fishing as well' husband says.

JimiTime

Dub walks into a corner shop and says, 'Have ye got a Gatox cake mister'.
Shopkeeper looks at him blanky, wondering what the hell he's talking about.
'A fookin Gatox cake, ye know'

Shopkeeper cops on to what he's asking for and says, 'You mean a GatOH cake'

Dub replies,

'Ah ask me bolloh'



Yeah, I know how to spell Gateaux, but the jokes about Phonetics so:P

Coriolanus

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Tut tut.....it's:
I like my women like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with Coke

I like my women like I like my coffee, weak, white and with a spoon sticking out of it.

uch

Fúk this Dyslexia, I thought thread title read " Best Yoke ya ever Had" till I went throught some posts

Poor Uncle Tom

Nevore wrote: »

I like my women like I like my coffee, weak, white and with a spoon sticking out of it.

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black, strong and sweet, the first taste and you're hooked but don't dip you're tongue you could get burned and it's hell getting rid of the stains from your teeth.....:eek:

HenryChinaski

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife!

Unpossible

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black, strong and sweet, the first taste and you're hooked but don't dip you're tongue you could get burned and it's hell getting rid of the stains from your teeth.....:eek:

I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer*





Edit: there is an alternative version to this joke in comic form, but this isn't the thread for comics

spudington16

Why did Mary fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why didn't she get back up?

She had no legs.

Why didn't anyone help her?

She had no friends.

What did she get for Christmas?

Leukemia.

MiNdGaM3

Why did the pervert cross the road?

'Coz he was stuck in the chicken