The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Some12

A guy walks into a bar in Texas and sees a horse in the corner with a bucket full of money in front of it. He walks up to the bar, orders a beer, and asks about the horse.

The barman gives him a beer and tells him: “It’s a competition. You put 5 dollars in the bucket and have 30 seconds to make the horse laugh. The first to do it wins the bucket of cash”.

The guy downs his beer, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse bursts out laughing so he picks up the bucket of cash and walks out leaving a shocked crowd behind.

A few weeks later, he’s in Texas again and goes back to the same bar where he sees the same horse in the corner with another bucket full of cash in front of it.

The guy orders a beer and tells the barman he’ll have the horse laughing again. The barman tells him: “Son, we don’t know what you did to make that horse laugh last time so we made it harder. Now you have to make the horse cry”.

The guy downs his beer, says no problem, and walks up to the horse. Within seconds, the horse is crying like a baby. He picks up the bucket of money and heads to the door.

The barman stops him and says “Hold on now – You made the horse both laugh and cry. How the hell did you do that?”

The guy says “Well, the first time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him.”

donegal_man

Twice as long as anyone expected apparently

Hagar the Nice.

A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?"

The cat replies, "we dont want humans to steal our style like they did yours?

Hagar the Nice.

I took two stuffed dogs I had to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks ya daft clown." I replied.

mbur

Deleted User wrote: »

Try Ctrt-A (select all) or the tablet /Ipod equivalent.

I knew there had to be an easier way. I've been hitting the 'quote' button, reading the spoiler and then hitting 'Back'.:pac:

Hagar the Nice.

My wife left a note on the telly for me. ' It's not working , I'm leaving.....'
I plugged it in, turned it on effs sake nothing wrong with it. !!!!!!

Hagar the Nice.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll drive his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

Hagar the Nice.

This joke is so awful I had to post it,has anyone seen anything as bad as this?


A woman had ten sons......five firemen and five ambulance men.

At breakfast she asked them, "Who wants cornflakes?"

And they answered...

"Me Ma, Me Ma, Me Ma..."

Hagar the Nice.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke..'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little *hit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
****, We're screwed!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, August 2013.'

the purple tin

It's a bit dirty

Larry Gogan is walking down the street one morning when this stunningly attractive young lady runs over to him and starts telling him what a huge fan she is.
Larry thanks her and starts to flirt with her, really turning on the old Gogan charm.
'You know' she says 'I'd do anything to get a request on your show'
'Anything?' says Larry, gently guiding her into a nearby alley.
'Absolutely anything' she replies.
Larry drops his trousers to reveal that he has really risen to the occasion and says 'Ok, Love, away you go'.
She gets down on her knees in front of Larry, reaches forward and takes a hold of his manhood then starts slowly moving her mouth closer and closer -by now Old Larry is fit to burst with the excitement- finally she opens her mouth, clears her throat and says loudly...I'd like to say hello to my Ma-Joanne, to my sisters Lisa and Amy...

Mariasofia

My friend invited me to a karma party this weekend. I asked her what should I bring with me. "Just deserts" she replied.

rolliepoley

whats long, hard, and straight going in, but soft wet, and squishy coming out??

























chewing gum!

the purple tin

In ancient Jerusalem an angry mob had dragged a prostitute into the town square so that they could put her to death for her sins by stoning her.
They were just about to begin when Jesus Christ stepped out in front of the trembling woman, raised his hands and said 'Wait! Can any of you truthfully say that your soul is unblemished? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.
No sooner had he said this than a huge stone comes sailing over the crowd, strikes the unfortunate woman between the eyes and kills her instantly. At which point Jesus spun around angrily and shouted 'Ah for **** sake Ma!'.

ANDY ROONEY, (American Journalist) ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

rolliepoley

An inventor goes to the patent office, sees the patent officer and says, "I've got an invention; it's a folding bottle. I call it a fottle, get it? - folding bottle - fottle."
"Very nice, sir," the patent officer says. "Do you have any other inventions?"
"Yes, I do. I also have a folding carton; I call it a farton," replies the inventor.
"I'm sorry, sir," the officer says, "but that is an inappropriate name; it's disgusting."
"Oh," groans the inventor, "then I guess you wouldn't be interested in my folding bucket."

rolliepoley

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

rolliepoley

2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
The friend replies, "No...Cord....fine...."
The first friend cries out, "Well what the hell happened down there??"
The second friends slowly replies, "What...the....hell... is a...pinata?"

everlast75

I went out for a meal the other night.

The waiter took offense to something I said.

He threw a carton of milk, a block of cheese and a tub of cream at me.

I couldn't believe it! I mean, how dairy!?!

Luap

What Vegetable makes you cry?

Reply: Onion.

Did you ever get a belt of a turnip?

Some12

What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

























A Submarine....

Some12

What starts with F and ends with UCK ???










































A fire truck......

Some12

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve???
































Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!

wazky

My Grandfather died in a Nazi Concentration camp during WW2.



He fell out of his watchtower.

rolliepoley

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying: "Damn that was fun!"

Hagar the Nice.

Young couple on their honeymoon banging away and the bloke says 'Hunnybunchess,why don't we tape record what we're doing tonite so that in the future if we're arguing with each other then we'll play back what we've done tonite and we'll make up,okay?'
'Hunnypumpkins,that's a great idea,'
4 weeks later they are arguing like mad when the wife says 'Hunnypumkins,what about the tape recording we made?'
'Sheesh,I forgot all about that,yeah,let's shove it on.'
So the guy plays the tape and out comes 'Ohhhh what happiness,ohhhh what happiness '
Both look at each other in amazement and wonder who it was on tape,so they decide to play it again and out comes the same message.
The wife then notices the tape is at the wrong speed,rewind it and out comes 'Oh what a penis,oh what a penis.'

Hitchens

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did - in his sleep.......






.............not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

rolliepoley

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
- Dave Bassett, Sky Sports
"Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy."
- Jimmy Magee, RTE
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
- Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator)
"I would not say he ( David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
- Ron Atkinson
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
- Ron Atkinson
"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."
- Ian Wright commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
- Ian Rush
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
- Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
- David Vine
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
- David Coleman
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
- Metro Radio
"... and later we will have action from the men's coxless pairs..."
- Sue Barker
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
- David Coleman
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank: 'On what?"
"Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
- Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald
"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that"
- Desmond Lynam
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
- Ruud Gullit
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
- Ron Atkinson
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
- John Motson
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"
- Stuart Hall (Radio 5 live)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
- Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
- Mark Draper (Aston Villa)
"There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class"
- David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics
"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"
- David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day
"... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"
- John Arlott
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"
- Gary McCord - on the greens at Augusta
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
- USTV commentator
"They'll be watching him (Mike Tyson) with a fine toothcomb from now on"
- CNN Sports commentator

FanadMan

rolliepoley wrote: »

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
- Dave Bassett, Sky Sports
................

There's a few new and good ones in there.......the rest are old classics and should never be forgotten

the purple tin

A man went into a hotel one evening and asked the girl at reception if she had a room for the night.
'I'm sorry' she said 'but we're fully booked'.
'Look' said the man 'if the Taoiseach came in here now looking for a room, you'd find one for him wouldn't you?'
'I suppose...yes, yes I would' said the receptionist.
'Well he doesn't want it' said the man 'so I'll have his'.

Peanut Butter Jelly

To add a few from Michéal O'Muircheartaigh

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"

"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language"

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the 40......he's on the 30..........................
he's on the ground"

"Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "

"Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball"

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"