The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

AdamB

My missus is so strange!
She starts every conversation with "Are you even listening to me?!?"

coolhull

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

rolliepoley

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

coolhull

It's been over a fortnight now since my wife left me because of my obsession with Sinead O'Connor.

In fact, it's been seven hours and fifteen days.....

Galway K9

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

Paddy rang the midwife. Come quickly The wife is about to have the baby

How dilated is she
Jaysus girl we're both over the moon

I don't get this? Help?

rizzodun

Galway K9 wrote: »

I don't get this? Help?

Don't worry, you'll be delighted when it finally comes to you

coolhull

https://us.v-cdn.net/6034073/uploads/attachments/575025/358954.JPG

TheChevron

Last year when I was finished painting the fence I put the left over Ronseal in an old jam jar.

I just found it in the shed and I havent a fecking clue what it's supposed to do.

Bowlardo

Galway K9 wrote: »

I don't get this? Help?

Delighted dilated

rolliepoley

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting

Fallschirmjager

one i read recently and used in the US Parachute divisions during training with all new recruits:

Sgt: Look dont worry if your parachute doesn't open, you have the rest of your life to figure something out.

coolhull

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

Dard23

coolhull wrote:

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

That made me laugh after a s#*t day, thanks!

Busted Flat.

Captain on the Titanic decided to check on his men, he asked Paddy have you seen anything unusual tonight he replied yes sir a seagull, that does not concern me said the Captain, but Captain he is perched on an iceberg.

bronn

David Beckham is in London and is being interviewed by Gary Lineker for Match of the Day. Becks has been in Japan for a month establishing a new wonder team. Becks yacks on and on and how enthusiastic the players are, how wonderful Tokyo is and how utterly amazing the hotel was. "It was just astonishing," he says. "Their attention to detail, the food, my god it was paradise. Really it was. Everyone should go there at least once in their life. I hope you've been. It's a once in a lifetime thing."

Lineker is somewhat taken aback by Beckham's enthusiasm for a hotel. "Well, it sounds like you had a wonderful time. What's the name of the hotel?"

Becks frowns for a moment, "What's the name of that big train station in London?"

Lineker is nonplussed but decides to go along with it. "Paddington?"

"Nahhh!! The other one!"

"Errr... Liverpool Street?"

Becks is getting cross. "Oh come on, mate! The big station! It's famous!"

Lineker hasn't a clue what the hell this is about but tries once more. "Victoria?"

"THAT'S IT! Victoria? What's the name of that hotel we wuz staying in in Japan, love?"

MonkieSocks

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday.











I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

sparksfly

Paddy and Mick have no money but desperately want a few pints. They scrape 60c between them. "Watch this" say's paddy as he goes into the butcher shop. He emerges with a sausage. Mick then follows paddy into the bar where paddy orders two pints.

When the pints are drank paddy pushes the sausage through his fly and asks the protesting mick to suck it. The barman is totally disgusted and throws them out.

Ten pubs and pints later mick says "**** this paddy, my knees cant take any more of this.

"Your knees" exclaims paddy, we lost the sausage after the second pint.

JCX BXC

sparksfly wrote: »

Paddy and Mick have no money but desperately want a few pints. They scrape 60c between them. "Watch this" say's paddy as he goes into the butcher shop. He emerges with a sausage. Mick then follows paddy into the bar where paddy orders two pints.

When the pints are drank paddy pushes the sausage through his fly and asks the protesting mick to suck it. The barman is totally disgusted and throws them out.

Ten pubs and pints later mick says "**** this paddy, my knees cant take any more of this.

"Your knees" exclaims paddy, we lost the sausage after the second pint.

That just has to have been posted here recently..... Right?

fr336

Carnacalla wrote: »

That just has to have been posted here recently..... Right?

Affirm, fr336

myshirt

And so, my wedding speech began:

''I have spent a lot of time on YouTube listening to inspirational speeches in preparation for this.

So here we go:

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

Nodster

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?


Ones very heavy, the others a little lighter

Akrasia

myshirt wrote: »

And so, my wedding speech began:

''I have spent a lot of time on YouTube listening to inspirational speeches in preparation for this.

So here we go:

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

I went with the simpsons reference

'Websters defines wedding as the process of removing weeds'

Nobody laughed, but afterwards, one person told me it was the funniest thing he had ever seen so it was worth it.

Menas

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

rizzodun

Akrasia wrote: »

I went with the simpsons reference

'Websters defines wedding as the process of removing weeds'

Nobody laughed, but afterwards, one person told me it was the funniest thing he had ever seen so it was worth it.

I did Santa for a friend's wedding last Christmas, she's from Donegal and they have a habit of calling kids 'wains' which I've teased her about for years calling her kids 'Wayne'.

When I came in I said how she asked she wanted me to hand out presents to the wains but I checked my list and there isn't a single Wayne in the room. The joke went down like a lead balloon, she wasn't too impressed and it made the wedding DVD. My finest hour.

jimgoose

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

Presumably it was on the Fritz before that. <Badum-TISSHHH!!>

BUBBLES1978

whats the difference between a "Hippo" and a "Zippo"???


one is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!!!

coolhull

^^
see about seven posts back

valoren

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met - Rodney Dangerfield.

Loopy

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY ! I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any theft insurance I left my wallet in the cab I took home where I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me. "

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I toss down three drinks in a row, then I buy another.

I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

MetalDog

An ould fella is driving down a quiet country road one night when he notices the blue lights of the squad car in his mirror, so he pulls over and winds down his window as the garda approaches.

The garda looks in at him, and says "Do you realise your wife is after falling out the passenger door 500 yards back down the road?"

The man looks back at the garda , and his face lights up...

"Ahh thank fuck", he says... "I thought I was after going deaf!"

rolliepoley

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

Or on Bloody Sunday.

paulbok

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

I just deleted all the Spanish names off my phone, now there's no Juan left on it

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

MonkieSocks wrote: »

It's OK to buy them around the Christmas Period

blade1 wrote: »

Or on Bloody Sunday.

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

blade1

chughes wrote: »

If any of you guys are interested, I can get you tampons at a hugely discounted price, no strings attached.....

What's the catch so??:D

MonkieSocks

How do confuse an Archaeologist.













Give em a Used Tampon and ask him from what Period it came from!

Why do these bloody crayons only come in one colour!

huey1975

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can't grow rabbits on your balls!!

EoghanIRL

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

johnny osbourne

there was a woman down in cork and she was pregnant,

her son who is 3 or 4 walks into the kitchen and says " mammy, whats that lump on your belly?"

the mammy says " it's a baby, your daddy gave it to me"

the young lad walks down to the sitting room and says to the daddy " daddy, did u give mammy a baby?"

"i did" says the daddy

"well, she's after atin' it"

Hotblack Desiato

Menas wrote: »

Shamlessly taken from the Top jokes at this years Edinburgh......"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free."

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

Michael D Not Higgins

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

I preferred Karl Spain's joke.

Down the gym the lads call me Gerry Adams.
I've been a member for years but there's no proof.

EoghanIRL

^^
You win.

rolliepoley

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a ****ty estate and surviving on benefits.



It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

MonkieSocks

Saw my mate the other day.................he's only got one arm.


"Where you off to?" I shouted.

"To change a light bulb", he said.

"That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really..." he says,










"I've got the receipt"

Capt'n Midnight

Went on a date with a librarian last night, she cost me a fortune.


My own fault really, keeping her out too long.

I once went out with a fat girl, she had more chins than a Chinese phone book!

branie2

What's the difference between Mayo and a bra?

Both have support, but Mayo has no cups

wylie

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."