The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Savage Tyrant

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest
beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
...
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my
Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie!!'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!

Cupcake_Crisis

How do you make a hormone?

Kick her in the gee

Spore

Hedgehogs.

Why can't they share the hedge?

Rick Deckard

So who's up for a game of rape?
No one??
That's the spirit!

Firstly, does this cloth smell like cloroform to you?

Rick Deckard

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a ****.

senorwipesalot

KNOCK KNOCK


WHOS THERE?


SIOBHAN.


SIOBHAN WHO?


SIOBHAN YER KNICKERS ,YOUR MOTHERS COMING.

Savage Tyrant

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told
the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

...The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the
jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said
'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT
WEEKEND!'

Bog

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's ride bikes!

Rick Deckard

.......it's not like I killed her. If anything she should be thanking me! At least now she can park anywhere she wants.

Rick Deckard

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

celts

What's the first sign of madness









A bald guy with a colmb

cosmicfart

Was flying on a plane once when the pilot came on and done his whole, we are cruising at 30 thousand feet thing, he forgot to turn off the intercom and we could all hear him continue talking to his co-pilot saying, "ya know what I could go for right about now is a fooking blow job and a cup of coffee". The Stewardess went bombing up from the back to the plane to tell the pilot and ill yells to her "hey Stewardess dont forget the coffee"

fooking broke the plane up with laughter i did


oh wait a sec.......

Chris P. Bacon

I just found out a mate of mine is both Gay and Dislexic,

He's still in Daniel.

Eric Cartman

gender equality

UglyBolloxFace

Mark! wrote: »

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

When I read this I just imagined a horse going around telling people the wrongs of their ways, i.e. the "cop-on horse".

Cop-on Horse: "Here you, stop doing that, cop-on!"

Lollers

Why was the cross-eyed teacher fired ?

Cause he couldn't control his pupils.


More of a top tip than joke.

To stop feeling nervous around spiders. Imagine them on the toilet.

Reg'stoy

crazym02 wrote: »

I've done worse back when I was in my teens. I was so drunk that I realised about a week too late that I had took a girls number and told her I would call her the next day! Found the number while flicking through my phone when I finally remembered!!

Now that's funny

Hurricane-Dean

The wife came home one day with a broken arm, I was really worried........it took me 40mins to find a take away menu!

Rick Deckard

A Nacker goes to put her name on the housing list.
The council worker asks 'are you married?
"No ma'am"
"how many children do you have?"
"ten ma'am"
"What are their names?
"Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam and Liam.''
"isnt that confusing?''
"Lord no ma'am, 'tis great, I just shout LIAM YOUR TEAS READY or LIAM TIME FOR BED and they all come running at once.''
" what if you want to speak to them individually?''
" I just use their surnames.'

giggsy664

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

The terrorist threw a building at him.

Why did the Japanese boy fall off his bike?

The tsunami threw a building at him.

Why can't you buy paracetamol in a rainforest?

It's not financially viable to sell pharamceuticals in a forest without human habitation.

Savage Tyrant

Some Japanese tourists asked me to take their photo earlier.
I lined up the shot and said "Wave" and they f*ckin legged it...
Nice camera though...

Galway K9

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Some Japanese tourists asked me to take their photo earlier.
I lined up the shot and said "Wave" and they f*ckin legged it...
Nice camera though...

OMG!!!:D

Hootanany

I went to a Bulimia party last night, the place was heaving.

Rick Deckard

If you watch Mr. Bean without the laughter track, it's a very moving drama about a man with severe learning difficulties who struggles to cope with simple everyday tasks...

Galway K9

I am terrified to look at Mr.Bean without backing tracks...thats just not a laughing matter!:D

JaMiE2492

Who's the number 1 prostitute in japan ?



Sue nami


She's fcuked half of japan .

Killer Wench

A nice looking gentleman walks into a small country inn and lays 100 dollars on the counter. He rests his hand on the bill and tells the innkeeper, "I'm going upstairs to inspect your rooms. If I find a suitable room, I'll stay the night and you can keep the money." The gentleman walks away and goes upstairs to check on the rooms.

Once he disappears up the stairs, the innkeeper snatches the $100 and immediately runs down the street to pay the butcher the $100 bill he owes him. The butcher takes the $100 and runs over to the hog farmer and pays the hog farmer his $100 credit. The hog farmer takes the $100 bill and runs to the co-op to pay off the $100 loan. The co-op owner, being an ugly and lonely man, runs to the town's hooker and pays off the $100 tab he owed her. The hooker is ecstatic! She can finally pay the innkeeper the $100 she owed him for using his rooms for her business. The town rejoices. Everyone has paid off their creditors!

Now that the innkeeper has been paid by the hooker, he puts the $100 dollars back on the counter. The gentleman returns to the desk and informs the innkeeper that none of his rooms were up to his standards and takes the $100 bill and walks out the door.

Everyone has been paid but no new revenue has been produced.

And that, my fine friends, is your economy in a nutshell.

1mcampo1

What's red and smells like blue paint...







red paint

Cathaoirleach

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

the varg

Tom Dick & Harry are 3 guys with alzheimers living together. One day Tom decides to take a shower, so says to Dick 'I'm going upstairs to take a shower'. Tom is standing in the shower when he forgets whether he is getting into the shower or out of the shower. He shouts down to Dick, "Dick I need your help I'm up here in the shower & I don't know if I'm getting into the shower or out of the shower!"

"No worries I'll be right up to ya" says Dick and starts to run up the stairs.
Half way up the stairs Dick forgets if he is going up the stairs or coming down.

Dick shouts to Harry, "Harry we need your help. Tom is in the shower & doesn't know if he is getting into the shower or getting out of the shower & I'm on the stairs and I don't know if I'm going up the stairs or coming down the stairs!"

Harry downstairs says to himself "Jesus I hope I never get as bad as them two,touch wood" [harry knocks on table] "Is that the front door or the back door!"

the varg

From tomorrow viagra will now be sold by it's trade name.

Customers are requested to ask for MYCOXAFLOPIN

heffo500

A fireman runs into an office holding a screwdriver and shouts ''Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill.''

dj jarvis

senorwipesalot wrote: »

KNOCK KNOCK


WHOS THERE?


SIOBHAN.


SIOBHAN WHO?


SIOBHAN YER KNICKERS ,YOUR MOTHERS COMING.

am i the only one who heard this in a northern accent ?

hondasam

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

callaway92

posting in a legendary thread.

jimpump

Yer Ma is so.................................

it never gets old

Savage Tyrant

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives, where people that knock on the door are let inside without a thorough inspection of their identity, and electricians are left to carry out light replacements with out any inquiries into staff numbers.

kfallon

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman all end up in court and they are no strangers to the judge having been in front of him before.

"Oh my Christ,.." says the judge, "..not you three again. I'm sick of the sight of you lot. You must have been in front of this court a dozen times already this year but today we're going to sort this out once and for all."

He continued... "As you know I'm a dog lover so here's what we are going to do. If you can't sing me a song with a dog in it you're going down for a fvcking long time, fair enough ?"

The three crims nodded in unison.

The judge says to the Englishman "Right, come on, let's have it. A song with a dog in it. Go."

So the Englishman strikes up... "How much is that doggie in the window, the one with.."

"Right, OK, good enough.." interrupts the judge, "..case dismissed, you're free to go."

Next the judge addresses the Scotsman.. "OK jock it's your turn now...give me a song with a dog in it."

So the jock breaks into song.. "Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow, bow-wow, Daddy wouldn't..."

Again the judge interrupts mid song.. "All right all right, that's good enough for me. Case dismissed, you're free to go."

So then the judge turns to the Irishman and says "Right Paddy, here's your chance. Gimme a song with a dog in it."

So Paddy clears his throat and starts up..."Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, wondering in the night, what were the chances..."

The judge stops Paddy mid song song and launches into him... "Ha ha you cunt. You're never going to see daylight again you my son..."

But before he could finish his tirade Paddy interrupts the judge... "Wait a fucking minute there milord...if you'd just let me finish the fucking song....Scooby Dooby dooo, la la la la la...."

im invisible

whats black and white and eats like a horse?




a zebra

kfallon

Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:

"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"

So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:

Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"

The bloke says: "Fuck off you Spanish cunt"

kfallon

Bloke goes to the opticians -
The optician says "I'm afraid your going to have to stop ****"
Bloke:"why, will I go blind?"
Optician: "no, but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room"

admiralofthefleet

My grandfather was killed in Auschwitz. Apparently he got pissed and fell out of the watchtower

Elba101

As a person of Jewish descent, I don't take kindly to jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

Savage Tyrant

What did Jesus say to the apostles when he was being nailed to the cross on Good Friday?

Don't you wànkers be touching my Easter Eggs. I'll be back on Monday.

thecornflake

Elba101 wrote: »

As a person of Jewish descent, I don't take kindly to jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

Thats not funny . . . . . anne frankly it's offensive.

Captain Darling

Whats worse then a cardboard box?

Paper tits.

Warper

Chuck Norris has his own website - its called the internet.

BEASTERLY

A blind man and his guide dog walk into a store on the high street. The dog leads him to the middle of the store.

Here the blind man picks the dog up by the tail a swings it around violently over his head.

The manager of the store rushes over and asks him if is alright.

To this the man replies, ''Yea im fine, im just having a look around''.

longshanks

Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings with Miami Sound machine?

Gloria Leicester fan.

longshanks

A mother superior and two young nuns are painting the main hall of their convent. Due to problems with the plumbing the heating is stuck on and they are really starting to feel it. So the mother superior suggests they strip out of the habits and continue to paint naked.
Anywho, after about an hour of this there was a knock on the door

Knockity knock

Who is it? said the mother superior

Just the blind man came the reply

So with a cheeky wink the mother superior suggests they let this blind man in for a rest, and also that there'll be no need to get dressed again. The two young nuns agree thinking it'll be a laugh

Come on in says the mother superior, its not locked

The door opens and in walks a chap in overalls.
Lookin good ladies he says, now where do you want me to hang these blinds?