The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

coolhull

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a fancy-dress party!”

sligojoek

Mary had a little sheep
and with the sheep she went to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram
and Mary had a little lamb.

Dard23

Mary had a little lamb
that was all white and frisky
It caught the foot and mouth disease
and now it's black and crispy.

TheLastMohican

A religious zealot named Harriet
Dream't she was raped in a chariot
By sixteen sailors, nine monks, four tailors
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot

johnny osbourne

why did the chicken take ketamine?



to get to the other side

chewed

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Comer1

chewed wrote: »

Q: What do you get if you cross Titanic with the Sixth Sense?

A: Icy dead people

Too soon man

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb
the doctor was suprised;
but when McDonald had a farm,
you shoulda seen his eyes!



Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
Every time the lamb got out,
The sheepdog tried to ... put it back in again.




Mary had a little sheep
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would ... fall off.




Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was red as red,
The reason for this was because
It had a pickaxe through it's head!



Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day
and now she's taking laxatives
To pass the time away




ary had a little skirt,
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt,
The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt,
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.





Mary had a little lamb,
so her father shot the shepherd.

rolliepoley

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

K.Flyer

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die.
In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh at any of them.

The brunette goes first and laughs at the second step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the twentieth step before she laughs.

Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she bursts out laughing.
God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”

coolhull

Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you hope it's only your leg.

moeblogs

An elderly Donegal man is stopped by the Gardai around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Garda officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife.

donegal_man

Why are blonde jokes so simple?

So brunettes can understand them

Mr Tibbs

The man who invented Velcro has died
May he RIP

MonkieSocks

A white guy and an Asian guy walk into a cafe; the waiter asks what they would like.

The white guy says: A tea and a Scone

The Asian guy though, asks for a 'short back and sides'.

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "Some blonde highlights".

The waiter says "what is he on about",

The white guy replies "don't worry about it; just get him a tea and Scone
too".

So they finish their food and call the waiter over again,

"What can i get you?"

"A tea and Scone again please" says the white guy,

The Asian guy replies "medium on top and short on the sides".

This time the waiter is irate and asks

"What the hell is wrong with him"...the white guy replies








"He doesn't know much English, only speaks hair-du"

coolhull

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'

Hotblack Desiato

Q. Why was Elvis known as The King?





A. He died on the throne.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

con___manx1

Kylie minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street in London suddenly kylie trips and goes head first into railings and gets her head stuck.Robbie sees her bent over and stuck so he drops his pants and gives it too her. After he is finished he says to Elton its your turn now. Elton starts crying and Robbie says what's wrong with you Elton. Elton says my head is too big to fit between those railings

Hotblack Desiato

6 - Don't double post.
7 - Don't carelessly use caps lock.

K.Flyer

Two red-necks are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He is not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy quickly whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"Hello, eh, I think my friend is dead" he yells, "What can I do?"

The 911 operator says, "Ok, calm down. First, let's make sure he is dead."

There's a silence, then a shot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Confucius Did Not Say:


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. .


"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood"

MonkieSocks

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff,







b'doom, tssh.

rolliepoley

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here."

rolliepoley

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

rolliepoley

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

rolliepoley

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez...
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

rolliepoley

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet ****s itself."

rolliepoley

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .'I think the man would have said -

'Well, I'll be f*cked!! A talking pig!'

rolliepoley

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

coolhull

I walked through the whole house, turning off all the lights.

Ok, you might not approve, but the way I see it, it's a case of... my lighthouse, my rules

K.Flyer

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and at the top of his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The bar erupts as the other pub patrons cheer the last downed pint as the Texan looks on in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies,

"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

rolliepoley

Disappointed

She's single and she lives right across the street. I can see her
place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

She said, "Great ! Could you watch my dog??"

Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!

Capt'n Midnight

This joke is at least 30 years old.


Sam was late trying to board a plane in La Guardia. He was running
through the airport carrying two large, heavy suitcases. A man stopped
him and asked for the time. "It is 6:45," says Sam. "Wow, that is a nice
watch, smartphone " the man says. "Oh, that is nothing", Sam says. "If I press this
button, I get the time in every time zone in the world. And if I press
this one, it becomes a calculator that also converts currency
exchange rates." "Amazing!" states the man.

Sam continued, "And by pressing here, it actually talks to me and I can watch TV.
All I have to do is press these two buttons
and the map zooms out to give me the entire state of New York. It
also translates 18 different languages.

"I can't stand it," the man says. "I have to have it. I will
give you $15,000 right now, on the spot." Sam thinks to himself, "Well,
I only have $6,000 in parts in it. I could sell this one, make a profit,
and then make another one". Sam turns to the man and said, "You got a
deal". The man pays Sam, takes it and begins walking away. "Wait,
wait" shouts Sam "You forgot the batteries".

Fox_In_Socks

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This joke is at least 30 years old.

I don't get it?

Fox_In_Socks

Fox_In_Socks wrote: »

I don't get it?

the two suitcases carry the batteries for the watch.

edit, something like this http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TSoLA-VJSKU/Tl-nJ10JO9I/AAAAAAAAAO0/bu6sKEZlsiA/s1600/first+car+phone.jpg

M.T. Cranium

A climate scientist, a priest and a rabbi went into a bar.

Well the priest and the rabbi went into a bar, the climate scientist went into the world's largest brewery.

---

A climate scientist met a woman at a club.

"You're so hot, and it's all because we failed to follow through on Kyoto."

---

A climate scientist got into a cab.

"To the airport, and quickly, my train leaves in half an hour."

K.Flyer

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

rolliepoley

The wife rang me today and shouted, "Where the feck are you???"
I replied, "Well, you know that jewelers where you saw those diamond earrings that you loved?"
"Yes" she said, in a much softer voice.
"Well, I'm in the pub just across the road from it."

K.Flyer

Little Johnny's new and very attractive teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $100 I can guess what colour your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her underwear.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue", he says with a cheeky smile.
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she slowly turns around and lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well you will have to come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad groans and bangs the steering wheel and exclaims: "That little son ofa b!tch! He bet me $200 this morning that he'd see your bare ass before the end of the day, and that you would be aright about it!"

K.Flyer

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You even asked your neighbour for help?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get the stupid jar open."

K.Flyer

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two.

One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
.
.
.
.
.
.
LADDER, I MEANT TO SAY LADDER.

K.Flyer

A passenger in a Taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up onto the footpath, and stops the car inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver turns to the passenger and says,
"Jesus Christ don't ever do that again. You scared the living Hell out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap on the shoulder would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Look I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a Taxi driver, it's just that I've been driving a Hearse for the last 25 years!"

K.Flyer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his big book and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts some designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flushing toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That must be a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" 

Savage Tyrant

"Mam, can I wear a dress?"
"No"
"Mam, can I wear make up?"
"No"
"Mam, can I have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"But Mam, I'm 18!"
"I know Kevin, I know"

MonkieSocks

We call my Granddad "Spiderman".

Not because he has special powers.














It's just because he has trouble getting out of the bath.

valoren

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee.
Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"
.
.
.
.
Ralph replies, "I found it."

rolliepoley

Whats the difference between a hospital and a caravan site?

There is more wards in a caravan site.

Capt'n Midnight

I forged my dad's signature and put all his vital organs up for donation,all against his will.


He'll be gutted.