The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight

Warning: DO NOT study Reverse Psychology.

efb

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

"Mam, can I wear a dress?"
"No"
"Mam, can I wear make up?"
"No"
"Mam, can I have a boyfriend?"
"No"
"But Mam, I'm 18!"
"I know Kevin, I know"

The 1950's called, they want their joke back

Mr Tibbs

I was sat at the computer the other night when my wife asked me what I was doing
"i'm looking for cheap flights", I said.
"I love you" she said. She then got all excited and started to kiss me saying care for an early night. Strange thing is, she has never shown any interest in darts before.

Clive Bisquette

Heinze was sitting in a bar in Berlin...when in walked Hitler !

"Jeeze Adolf ...I thought you were dead" ?

"No No Heinze..fooled the Allies ...still hale and hearty"

"Good man Addie ..now that your here I must ask ..would you have done anything different"?

"Not really Heinze...would have still killed 6 million Jews....but I would have also shot two badgers"

"Sheeet Adolf....why would you shoot two badgers "?

"Heinze ..everybody asks me that ...just proves they don't give a fawk about the 6 million Jews"!

Nodster

The mother of a 10 year old boy was tidying his room, and came across a 'naughty' magazine. She showed her husband, and was quite worried...

"Look at this, I found it in his room, it's a bondage magazine... what do you think we should do?"

Husband replies: "Well for one thing I think you should stop spanking him when he's in trouble..."

EoghanIRL

They say one in every two and a half men is HIV positive.

coolhull

Poor Stevie Wonder got a really bad deal off the Divorce Court Judge.
He has to hand over 25k a month in support payments for the kids.
But he never sees them.

MonkieSocks

A blind man hires a prostitute but as he's blind, he gets the poxiest old boot on the street.

They go upstairs and he starts to rub her spotty arse.

"Don't worry" she says, "its only acne."

"Thank fook for that!" says the blind man.

"I thought it was the price list!"

rolliepoley

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

branie2

Sir Bobby Robson is queuing outside the Pearly Gates, waiting with the other recently deceased to be let into Heaven, when he is surprised to see a familiar figure with dark wavy hair and a sheepskin coat approaching Saint Peter.
"Look young man," said the man loudly (and in a slightly nasal voice) to Saint Peter, "You need to change your attitude and work harder, or you're off the team. All right?"
Saint Peter says something quietly and deferentially to the man, who then strides off.
When Sir Bobby gets to the front to the line, he asks Saint Peter "Wasn't that Brian Clough telling you off?"
"Oh, no" says Saint Peter, "that was God, he just thinks he's Brian Clough"

mckar

What's your favourite childhood memory?

Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed........... I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

mbur

Here's an old joke about a preacher who loved his wine, and the parishioner who gave him a case of his favorite wine, on the condition that the preacher mentioned it in the church newsletter.

The newsletter said, "I would like to thank Brother Fred for his generous gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

Capt'n Midnight

I found this on the interwebs.


xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) ****ingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

coolhull

My wife threw all my clothes out the bedroom window and told me to leave the house immediately. As I walked out the front door she screamed, ''You bast@rd, I wish you a slow and painful death''

''Oh'', I replied, ''so now you want me to fcukin' stay''

gramar

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I found this on the interwebs.


.

You should have left it there. I've no idea what any of that is about.

Christyd

^^^
What type of sheite was that??

gramar

gramar wrote: »

You should have left it there. I've no idea what any of that is about.

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

black_frosch

coolhull wrote: »

My wife threw all my clothes out the bedroom window and told me to leave the house immediately. As I walked out the front door she screamed, ''You bast@rd, I wish you a slow and painful death''

''Oh'', I replied, ''so now you want me to fcukin' stay''

http://i.imgur.com/r7cq0g5.gifv

gramar

Deleted User wrote: »

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

SA...systems admin...silly arsehole???

Shannon757

Deleted User wrote: »

If you're a SA in IT then you'll rofl

Most of us aren't though:rolleyes:

Shannon757

Shannon757 wrote: »

Most of us aren't though:rolleyes:

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Deleted User wrote: »

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

Now that's hillarious.

Shannon757

Deleted User wrote: »

Nevermind.

Short translation,
He got the computer to e-mail excuses for him, set a clients system to restore a backuo and remotely controlled the coffee machine to have the coffee ready for him when he walked over to it.

Thank you

Clive Bisquette

hey! the guy put in a joke which was moderately funny..very funny to cone heads !

Dosn't deserve the shoite he is getting..if you don't get it ...just leave it ...

MonkieSocks

:rolleyes:







I went to a Seafood disco last week...


























Pulled A Mussel.

chughes

MonkieSocks wrote: »

:rolleyes:



I went to a Seafood disco last week...



Pulled A Mussel.

........ and she gave you crabs........

coolhull

]Pharmacy Notice

As of March 2016, Viagra will only be available under its chemical name.
Please ask your pharmacist for Mycoxaflopin

jimgoose

gramar wrote: »

SA...systems admin...silly arsehole???

RTFM the RFCs && [H-S]TFU.

Savage Tyrant

Husband receives a text from his wife one cold day.
"Windows frozen. Won't open. What do I do?"
He replies "Pour a little warm water on it... And then GENTLY tap the edges with a hammer"
10 minutes later he gets another text from the wife.
"Hasn't worked. Made things worse. The laptop is really fûcked now"

MonkieSocks

chughes wrote: »

........ and she gave you crabs........

It's easy to get rid of the Crabs


You fill a Bath with Warm Water,

Sprinkle some Salt in,

Throw in a bit of Sand and a few Pebbles,

Strip off and get in,

Wait for about ten minutes, THEN quickly pull the Plug.

The Crabs will think the tides going out and they'll all run away.


The End

deandean

Q: What do you call a black kleptomaniac?

A: A thief.

MonkieSocks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8hWkiF5txU

eisenberg1

Quiz time.

Q. A very nervous, young boxer, took a sh1t in the ring, but went on to take the title. I need the year, and the venue?

eisenberg1

A. Crufts 1977

MonkieSocks

A Man who had a little Too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and is swerving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

“Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" says the cop.

"Oh, thank heavens for that," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

kupus

Why My Liberal Neighbors Aren’t Speaking To Me Anymore

I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberals, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.

’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘

I said, ‘Welcome to Conservatism.’
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Mr Tibbs

I hung my Manchester United shirt out on the washing line last night, went to fetch it this morning and it was on the ground. Some b*stard robbed my pegs.

MonkieSocks

It's important to keep fit as you get older.

My granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60.










Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Mr Tibbs

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
and made a profit of €998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland

Zen65

• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down
  
• I was addicted to soap. I’m clean now
  
• Whiteboards are remarkable
  

rolliepoley

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Capt'n Midnight

Forecasters have rated storm Desmond as a 2.2




The Met Office are going to call all storms 'Desmond' for the foreseeable future - because we're in for a terrible series...

suave.4u

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2,1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled
with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of
smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found - only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's
audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to
eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the
safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a single
diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained
covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"

dinorebel

Do you know what I really really hate?




Russian Dolls always full of themselves.

Capt'n Midnight

An acquaintance from Limerick has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied,

"Google Earth"

Capt'n Midnight

"You are the toxin in this family!"

I shouted at Auntie Jen.

rolliepoley

I got my wife an artificial leg for christmas, It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

Mr Tibbs

I was in the supermarket today when this fella threw a block of cheese at me
I thought that wasn't very mature

MonkieSocks

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole.


Paddy shouts down: MICK......have you broken anything!?


Mick shouts back: NO..........there's nothing down here to break!

rolliepoley

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cnut?" The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets a newspaper. He opens it, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman which had been censored. "You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?" "Yes." "Well the person who put them there is a cnut."