The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

TheLastMohican

BattleCorp wrote: »

Am I a miserable cnut or is that joke not in the least bit funny?

Good God, what next? No Irishman, Scots man and Englishman jokes? No Kerryman jokes? No Politician jokes? And eventually .......... no jokes.

PCdom gone haywire.

And in response to your question, I think you're the former.

Hagar7

Wife texted me at work 5 hours ago 'I'm in Casualty.'
I runs home,switches my telly on and watches the program,no sign of her,it's 10 o clock now,I'm starving.....silly woman.:(

Hagar7

TheLastMohican wrote: »

Good God, what next? No Irishman, Scots man and Englishman jokes? No Kerryman jokes? No Politician jokes? And eventually .......... no jokes.

PCdom gone haywire.

And in response to your question, I think you're the former.

How.

Hagar7

Hagar7 wrote: »

How.

If that Russian joke had a passport it would have been stopped at the border!
Some jokes don't travel well!
Unless you're Russian (It's a pisstake of Russia being like hell)

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

TheLastMohican wrote: »

Good God, what next? No Irishman, Scots man and Englishman jokes? No Kerryman jokes? No Politician jokes? And eventually .......... no jokes.

PCdom gone haywire.

And in response to your question, I think you're the former.

Nothing to do with the nationalities involved; it just wasn't funny. No PC just no humour.

Wes Palmer Lee

BattleCorp wrote: »

Am I a miserable cnut or is that joke not in the least bit funny?

No sir you are not miserable....

pinkbear

A little, shaky old lady, walked into a sex shop. She walked up to the counter.

"H-h-hello dear" she said. "D-d-do you sell v-vi-vibrators?"

Startled, the assistant told her they did.

"H-h-how d-do you t-t-turn them off-f-f?"

Wes Palmer Lee

A Jump Lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you but don't start anything".

TheLastMohican

Wes Palmer Lee wrote: »

A Jump Lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you but don't start anything".

Hey newbie! You're skating on thin ice. Some Jump Leads could find this offensive, flag it to the Mods and you could get a slap on the wrist.
You really should keep these offensive jibes to yourself.:D

Wes Palmer Lee

Ha! I'd passed the 15k post mark under a previous name and decided to reinvent myself as WPL....remember him?

Anyway...

In the same bar I saw a guy trying to chat up a Cheetah.
I thought to myself "he's trying to pull a fast one".

Wes Palmer Lee

09_09_09 wrote: »

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:
"Good citizen, what are you mumbling about? Has something happened?"
The man looks up, confounded at first, before his eyes orient on the policeman.
"Oh, sorry, good sir officer, I didn't see you there. No, nothing is wrong. I am just very focused. You see, I am old, and at my age, you never know when Death comes knocking. Therefore, I have decided that I shall learn Hebrew, in case I get to heaven."
The policeman nods to himself at the wisdom in this, but while he doesn't want to distress the old gentleman, he can't help but ask:
"But, good citizen, what will you do if you instead end up in hell?"
The old man spreads his hand and shrugs.
"Well, as you hear for yourself, good sir officer, I already speak Russian."

Another Russian(ish) one..

I hate Russian dolls..
So full of themselves.

MarkAnthony

If these are the best jokes ye have ever heard I feel sorry for some of yous.

blade1

MarkAnthony wrote: »

If these are the best jokes ye have ever heard I feel sorry for some of yous.

Dazzle us with yours so!!!

Hagar7

Deleted User wrote: »

If that Russian joke had a passport it would have been stopped at the border!
Some jokes don't travel well!
Unless you're Russian (It's a pisstake of Russia being like hell)

It was tongue in cheek.:D
His name is TheLastMohican....how.

A hackneyed one, even used by Roger Federer.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus...

Capt'n Midnight

What 150 meters long and eats cabbage ?

A Russian meat queue.






A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."




Three men are sitting in a KGB cell in Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."




Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA?

A: Yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.





A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and she hears him muttering under his breath, "Murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'Murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Who did you have in mind with 'Murderous moustache'?" asks Stalin. "Why, Iosef Vissarionovich, Hitler, of course!" Stalin thanks him, dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And who did you think he was talking about?"



In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. “What did they arrest you for?” asks the first. “Was it a political or common crime?” “Of course it was political. I’m a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, ‘Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.’ So they gave me seven years.”

Stigura

What's the difference between me and a Russian policeman ....?


The Russian policeman's a Rostov 'Tec .....

K.Flyer

There was this overweight guy who was watching the TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except some mornings he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, he weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, and the thoights of maybe catching up on one of the beautiful women, he decides to do The Master Program! But before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says,
"If I catch you, you're mine!"
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week;
He lost 38.

dslamjack

Knew a lad from Cavan once,called in to see him one evening and he was stripping wallpaper,are you doing up the house I said, No he say's .. we're moving house.

pinkbear

A horse walked into a bar.

He said to the barman: "I'm a plasterer. Do you need any work done?"

Barman: "You're a talking horse!! That's amazing. There's a circus tent down the road. They'll definitely give you work."

Horse: "Why would they need a plasterer?"

Juwwi

An 86 year old goes to see his Doctor for a routine check up.
The Doctor asks him how he's been and he replies "great Iv'e never felt better , I've got myself a new 21 year old girlfriend and I've got her pregnant " .
Doctor says well let me tell you a story ,,l have an elderly patient older than yourself ,,he is still active and goes hunting every week ,,last week he went out hunting but picked up his walking stick by mistake instead of his gun,,while out he see's this beaver beside a river ,, he picks up the walking stick , points it at the beaver and says "bang bang" ,,with that the beaver dropped down dead,,Doctor asks what do make of that ,,the 86 year old replies "I think someone else must of shot a few rounds into the beaver " .
Doctor replies "I was thinking the exact same myself"

MonkieSocks

Word Of Warning!














The Dyson ball cleaner is not what I thought it was.

K.Flyer

It's the GAA all Ireland final in Croke Park and a man makes his way to his seat, one of the best seats in the place, right at the center line.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks the older man on the other side of the empty seat, who is all done up in his teams jersey, hat, rosette, flag, scarf and badges etc., if someone is sitting there.
"No, that seat's empty." he replies.
The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the GAA all Ireland Finals and not use it?"
The neighbour responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first all Ireland final we haven't gone to together."
The first man responds,"Oh I'm really sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The old man says, "No, nobody, sure aren't they all at the funeral."

emeldc

A squirrel walks into a bar up to the counter and asks for a large whiskey.
The barman looks uneasy but gives him the benefit of the doubt and serves him. The squirrel throws it back and walks out the door. He arrives back ten minutes later and slightly slurring, asks for another large one.
The barman asks him has he had enough but he says he's fine. The squirrel downs the whiskey and leaves again.
He staggers in the door ten minutes later and asks for another large whiskey. The barman says he's had enough but the squirrel persists and gets his drink.
He falls of the stool and staggers out the door. Ten minutes later he's back again.
The barman says he's had enough but the squirrel says, "I don't want a drink, I just came back for my keys.
The barman says, 'surely you're not going to drive home in that state.
'No, no', said the squirrel, I'm locked out of my tree"

Capt'n Midnight

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 160 kmph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120k mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're €50 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

This is how you can get rich...
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says, 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'

Stigura

I like my girls like I like my wine ..... Ten years old and kept in the cellar!




Oooh! Booo! Hiss!!! Opprobrium!

Rothmans

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

BMW

Whilst on that train of thought -

'If you ever feel that the work you do is pointless, then spare a thought for the poor fucker who installs indicators on BMWs.'

Rothmans

Rothmans wrote: »

Whilst on that train of thought -

'If you ever feel that the work you do is pointless, then spare a thought for the poor fucker who installs indicators on BMWs.'

Fitting brake lights to a train, now that would be really pointless!

valoren

MarkAnthony wrote: »

If these are the best jokes ye have ever heard I feel sorry for some of yous.

Nearly 600 pages in. Over 8000 posts.
Are there even that many jokes in existence?

RonanP77

valoren wrote:

Nearly 600 pages in. Over 8000 posts. Are there even that many jokes in existence?

No, read the first 10 pages and that covers most of them, after that it's mainly people repeating the same jokes over and over and over.

valoren

Cork People.

Mick and Jimmy are avid followers of the Cork hurlers.
They go to every senior match. Hail, rain or shine.

Cork reach the All Ireland final against Limerick. They haven't won the title for years and are firm favorites to lift the Liam McCarthy.

Demand for the match tickets is at fever pitch.
Mick and Jimmy however are stuck for tickets.

Mick wins a radio phone in competition to win an elusive ticket and he is thrilled.
Jimmy, who was listening, shouts at the radio "Ah the dirty bastard!!! I hope they feckin' lose now!!!"

Hagar7

valoren wrote: »

Nearly 600 pages in. Over 8000 posts.
Are there even that many jokes in existence?

No, read the first 10 pages and that covers most of them, after that it's mainly people repeating the same jokes over and over and over.:D

emeldc

Paddy's wife comes in to the kitchen and says, 'fcuk ya anyway, did ya not just hear me falling down the stairs.
'Oh, sorry', says Paddy, 'I thought that was the start of Eastenders'.

Hagar7

Off topic,sorry.
Who are the only two football clubs who've featured in Eastenders since it began. ?
Winner gets a cyber pint of their own choice or if they prefer,some cyber wine,(only white left).

If the winner is a female with knockers 40 plus then they can take me out for dinner.:)

thee glitz

Hagar7 wrote: »

Off topic,sorry.
Who are the only two football clubs who've featured in Eastenders since it began. ?
Winner gets a cyber pint of their own choice or if they prefer,some cyber wine,(only white left).

If the winner is a female with knockers 40 plus then they can take me out for dinner.:)

I'm gonna go with West Em and Millwool (not female or 40+).

Did ye hear the one about the procrastinator?

I'll tell ye later.

Witchie

Hagar7 wrote: »

Off topic,sorry.
Who are the only two football clubs who've featured in Eastenders since it began. ?
Winner gets a cyber pint of their own choice or if they prefer,some cyber wine,(only white left).

If the winner is a female with knockers 40 plus then they can take me out for dinner.:)

West Ham and Walford United.

Am female, over 40 and have huge knockers.

monty_python

Witchie wrote: »

West Ham and Walford United.

Am female, over 40 and have huge knockers.

How you doin?

Witchie

monty_python wrote: »

How you doin?

So you like women that lots of people put down all the time?

Strange fella.

Hagar7

Witchie wrote: »

West Ham and Walford United.

Am female, over 40 and have huge knockers.

Close but seeing you're big n bouncy you win.:D

Btw,it's West Ham and Celtic.

MonkieSocks

I got chatting to a lumberjack in the pub last night.




Seemed like a decent feller.

chughes

Guy goes into the doctor's to find out the cause of a hearing problem he's having.


Doctor "Can you describe the symptoms?".


Guy "Yes, the father is Homer, the mother is Marge, the kids are Bart, Lisa, and Maggie".

byrner88

Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night,

It was pretty uncomfortable,

I wish we'd dropped her parents off first

Capt'n Midnight

In the European Automotive version of Heaven, the:



French design the suspensions;

British design the bodies;

Germans design the electricals;

Italians design the engines;
And Swedes design the safety systems.



In the European Automotive version of Hell, the;



French design the safety systems;

British design the electricals;

Germans design the bodies;

Italians design the suspensions;
And
 Swedes design the engines.

emeldc

Chris Eubank has written a book on ethics.
They say if it sells well he's going to write another on on Kent.

Alf Stewart.

What is Forest Gumps password?

1forest1

Hagar7

MarkAnthony wrote: »

If these are the best jokes ye have ever heard I feel sorry for some of yous.

Friends,Irish,and countrymen,you too Mark Anthony,lend me your jokes.....:D

Zen65

Dogs can't operate MRI machinery, but catscan.

Hagar7

Bought a second hand car yesterday,took it back this morn...Whits wrong with it like? the guy sez.

A sez ......it only goes up to 120,Thats whats wrong with it.

He sez 120 and Ye don't like it,wtf.

A sez i live at 180.

MonkieSocks

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his Mobile.


"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.

It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,





"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."