The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Samaris

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A weasel is weaselly wecognised and a stoat is stoatily different.

Some Scottish Humour....... Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought - Hang on just a minute!

---

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie ?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

---

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

---

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting... so, at least I got home OK.

---

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

---

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

---

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

---

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

---

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

---

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the

kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

---

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church rather than in a Mexican prison.

---

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

---

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a man sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

---

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit ?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

emeldc

Not sure about this one but here goes

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
The first mother says, "He's a martyr now.
"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."
Then the first mother flips to another picture.
"And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21.
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr.
"Oh gracious me!", says the second mother.
"And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year."
"Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they.

GreatDefector

emeldc wrote: »

Not sure about this one but here goes

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
The first mother says, "He's a martyr now.
"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."
Then the first mother flips to another picture.
"And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21.
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr.
"Oh gracious me!", says the second mother.
"And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year."
"Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they.

2002 called for their joke back....

emeldc

Thanks for letting me know. Feel free to contribute any time you're ready

davidk1394

emeldc wrote: »

Not sure about this one but here goes

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
The first mother says, "He's a martyr now.
"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."
Then the first mother flips to another picture.
"And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21.
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr.
"Oh gracious me!", says the second mother.
"And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year."
"Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they.

Its funny though... I wonder who'll be the first to say it's racist

ectoraige

davidk1394 wrote: »

Its funny though... I wonder who'll be the first to say it's racist

Well, it didn't mention race once so we should be good.

ectoraige

ectoraige wrote: »

Well, it didn't mention race once so we should be good.

This one does though.
http://edge1.pokerlistings.com/assets/photos/02.05.2013onlinepokerhurtshorseracing.jpg

Hitchens

An American tourist in Brazil was sitting on the beach when he noticed two older men sitting together talking.

To his amazement they looked just like Hitler and Goebbels, and so he listened in on their conversation.

“We came close,” said the Hitler look-alike, “and next time, soon, we will succeed.”

“Yes,” said the other, “and this time we will finish off all the Jews and the electricians.

”At this the tourist could not help interrupting, and he said, “Why the electricians?”

“You see?” said the Goebbels-looking man. “I told you no one would care about the Jews.”

Alf Stewart.

A female weight lifter went to see her doctor.

"Doc, I've been takin steroids for a few years now and as a side effect, I've grown a cock"

"Anabolic"? Asked the doctor.

"Nope just a cock" she replied.

coolhull

Miss Smith booked herself into a hotel for her 75th birthday. Feeling a bit lonely, she thought ‘’I’ll ring one those male escorts who advertise in phone books offering services like erotic massages and other stuff’’
Flicking through the phone book, she found an ad for ‘Tony Tempest’ with his photo. His picture showed a fine young man with wavy blonde hair, a tremendous body and a cool smile.
‘All your sexual needs catered for, nothing shocks me’, said the ad
‘’What the hell,’’ thought Miss Smith, ‘’ I’ll give him a ring. Nobody will ever know’’
So she rang the number in the ad.
The phone was answered by a man with a very pleasant, sexy – sounding voice. ’’Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?’’
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she decided to rush right in.
‘’ Hi, I saw your ad, offering all kinds of sexual services. I’ll be straight out with you, what I want is good hard sex, with a few extras thrown in. Bring implements, toys, handcuffs, canes, leather, everything you’ve got. I want you to tie me up, cover me in whipped cream, then lick it off. In other words, I want to do it every way you can think of. ... I’m ready, big boy come on up. Now how does that sound to you?’’
After a slight pause, the voice came back on the line.
‘’That sounds absolutely delightful, but you need to dial ‘’9’’ for an outside line, Miss Smith’’.

John T Carroll

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed,"NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay,I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

Hagar7

Why are they making a newer version of Yogi Bear?
Cos they made a BoBo of the first one.

valoren

Say "Space Ghetto" with an American accent.

Sounds like a Scot saying "Spice Girl".

coolhull

I said to the Mrs last weekend ''lets go out for the evening.'' She comes out with that woman's classic "I've got nothing to wear" so I said to her. ''Sure wear what you wore last time we went out together - you looked lovely ...''
So there we were in the White Horse ,me in jeans and t-shirt and her in her f**king wedding dress ......

MonkieSocks

After being married for 50 years, a guy takes a careful look at his wife one day and said,

“Fifty years ago we had a nasty bedsit, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV,
But I got to sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl every night.

Now, I have a £500,000 home, a £60,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
But I’m sleeping with a 73—year—old woman.

It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

She says fine, go out and sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl - and by then end of the day,

You’ll be driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV.

gozunda

An elephant walks into a bar and suddenly feels concious that he is the elephant in the room.

An elephant walks into a bar, gets grabbbed by a bunch of animal rightists and sent straight back to the Serengetti.

An elephant walks into a bar and immediatly gets stuck in the door.

An elephant walks into a bar and it takes four weeks and four strongmen to straighten it out afterwards

chughes

Today, 6 April, is the start of the new tax year in the UK. So, to all the UK based Boardsies out there, happy new tax year....and many happy returns....

munster87

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

K.Flyer

gozunda wrote: »

An elephant walks into a bar and suddenly feels concious that he is the elephant in the room.

An elephant walks into a bar, gets grabbbed by a bunch of animal rightists and sent straight back to the Serengetti.

An elephant walks into a bar and immediatly gets stuck in the door.

An elephant walks into a bar and it takes four weeks and four strongmen to straighten it out afterwards

An Elephant walked into a fridge, and left footprints on the butter.

dubgurl

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.


I tried to reserve a seat at the library, but they were all booked.


I've predicted what's going to happen in the year 2020.
You could say I have 20/20 vision!


Did you know, they are not making shortbread any longer.

coolhull

A Priest and a Buddhist monk are having breakfast, the priest says "Oh my god a picture of Jesus is in my margarine!"

The Buddhist says..........












"I can't believe its not Buddah"

09_09_09

coolhull wrote: »

A Priest and a Hindu are having breakfast, the priest says "Oh my god a picture of Jesus is in my margarine!"

The Hindu says..........












"I can't believe its not Buddah"

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

09_09_09

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Can%27t_Believe_It%27s_Not_Butter!

Zen65

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

The person telling the joke may have confused Hinduism with Buddhism?

coolhull

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

Yes sorry, 09. It's a joke, but not at the expense of anyone 's religion.
There's a spreadable margarine out there called "I Can't Believe It's not Butter". And yes, I did confuse Hinduism with Buddhism. No offence was intended. I've edited the original post.

donalh087

did you change the original post or did the change come from within?

09_09_09

coolhull wrote: »

Yes sorry, 09. It's a joke, but not at the expense of anyone 's religion.
There's a spreadable margarine out there called "I Can't Believe It's not Butter". And yes, I did confuse Hinduism with Buddhism. No offence was intended. I've edited the original post.

None taken my dear sir. I wanted to know what it meant so I could laugh as well.

I wanted to know the gist of the joke so I could use it on other Indians because, I am a spicy C*unt! :P

Hagar7

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his Mobile.


"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.

It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,

"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

Hi,how are you,I hope you don't mind me asking but may I have the name and address of said company,I think I've just found a cure for impotence.:D

valoren

dubgurl wrote: »

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.

I want to see it but I can't go.

whiskeyman

coolhull wrote: »

A Priest and a Buddhist monk are having breakfast....

both are ordering breakfast rolls to go.

The Priest asks for sausage, 2 hash brown, rasher and a fried egg but no tomato or fried mushroom or ketchup.

The waiter then asks the Buddist monk what he'd like:

'Make me one with everything...'

whiskeyman

dubgurl wrote: »

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.

valoren wrote: »

I want to see it but I can't go.

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.









It's a right stinker!

Panthro

whiskeyman wrote: »

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.








It's a right stinker!

Yeah, The direction was all over the shop!

whiskeyman

whiskeyman wrote: »

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.









It's a right stinker!

You probably caused the server to core dump!

MetalDog

Did you hear they're doing a remake of Silence of the Lambs but it's going to be set in Donegal?

It's called Quiet Ewes.

coolhull

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Howth Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

Ted_YNWA

coolhull wrote: »

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Howth Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

Evil genius

melissak

Not the best but funny. What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later, the other will see you in a while

K.Flyer

Fuçk it, I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to shag the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.
After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and p!ss everywhere.
I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink còck.

Let's see CrimeCall try to stage a reconstruction of that.

Seve OB

Pmsl

emeldc

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Ryanair," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Ryanair?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Jaysus, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Ryanair's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a €15 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said, "Who fcuked up your hair?"

gramar

'why are you late for class little Johnny?'
'well, you see miss, a man lost a €100 note..'
'ah don't tell me you were helping him look for it?'
'not exactly, I was standing on it till he gave up and fcuked off'

ohmslaw

gozunda wrote: »

An elephant walks into a bar and suddenly feels concious that he is the elephant in the room.

It's very dangerous to go into the jungle at lunchtime because that's when the elephants go skydiving

eisenberg1

A woman goes in to a discount fishing supply store to buy a rod for her grandson. She is not sure what she is looking for, so picks one at random, and takes it to the till, where there is a sales assistant, wearing dark glasses.

She ask "what can you tell me about this rod?"
He replies " well madam, i am blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know by the sound it makes.

She does, and he says " well, that's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod, with a zebco reel and ten pound test line. A good all round rod And it's on sales this week for €44."

The woman's is amazed and as she is going thru her purse to get her credit card, and drops it on the floor, and as she bends to pick it up, she farts loudly.

The sales assistant says " That sounds like a Visa, so that's a of €58.50 please"

Woman "I thought you said it was on sale for €44?"

Sales assistant replies "yes, that's just for the rod and reel, the duck caller is €11 and the fish bait is €3.50"

09_09_09

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Still under the cart, I guess."

09_09_09

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both of them were rushed to hospital....one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka.

gramar

09_09_09 wrote: »

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both of them were rushed to hospital....one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka.

In the hospital one asked the nurse where his mate was.
She replied that he was vindaloo.

Don't worry me coat is on:pac:

Ted_YNWA

gramar wrote: »

In the hospital one asked the nurse where his mate was.
She replied that he was vindaloo.

Don't worry me coat is on:pac:

Just get in your Korma(n) go

donalh087

Hospital the best place for him. A firm madras and a nice fluffy pillau.