The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

gramar

donalh087 wrote: »

Hospital the best place for him. A firm madras and a nice fluffy pillau.

Hope it's not an Irish hospital or there might be naan available.

Mr Tibbs

I've started a new business, building yachts in my attic
Since I built my first one, sails are going through the roof

Cheensbo

^I've also started a new business,

Mountain top butcher, it's going well but the steaks are high.

It's a nice change from the elevator sales, was a good gig but had it's ups and downs.

Radharc na Sleibhte

Not the best but the latest I heard this morning made me chuckle:

What's Elton John and Adam Johnson got in common?

They both love a bit of extra virgin.

MonkieSocks

When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia,



It was like Music to my Arse.

TheRiverman

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

coolhull

A man hadn't been feeling so went to see his doctor. The Doctor examined him and did all the tests. Afterwards, he comes back out with the test results. ''I'm afraid it's not good news, Mr Murphy, you're terminally ill and you don't have much time left''
'' That's terrible, Doc,'' says the man. ''Tell me, how much time do I have left?''
The doctor shakes his head sadly. ''Ten.''
''Ten? Ten what? Ten days? Ten weeks? Ten months? What?
'' Nine...Eight.....Sev.............

fleet_admiral

A man is standing at the urinal in a pub toilet when another man runs in in a panic and stands at the urinal beside him.
He whips out a huge penis and takes a piss. He says to the other guy 'I just made it'.
The other guy takes a look, and says 'Can you make one for me'

gramar

MonkieSocks wrote: »

When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia,



It was like Music to my Arse.

It's funny that the people in dyslexia jokes can spell dyslexia but can't spell ears:pac:

Farmer Ed

gramar wrote: »

It's funny that the people in dyslexia jokes can spell dyslexia but can't spell ears:pac:

Who ever came up with Te idea of calling it dyslexia must have been one cruel sarcastic plonker could he not have called it something easier to spell?

looseliver

Farmer Ed wrote: »

Who ever came up with Te idea of calling it dyslexia must have been one cruel sarcastic plonker could he not have called it something easier to spell?

It's the same bloke who put an S in lisp.

Buford T. Justice XIX

TheRiverman wrote: »

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

Why does Santa have no kids?

Because he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.

frag420

gramar wrote: »

It's funny that the people in dyslexia jokes can spell dyslexia but can't spell ears:pac:

Dyslexia for cure found....

Miss Demeanour

A sailor, whose head is only the size of a snooker ball, is sitting in a pub.
'What on earth has happened to you!?'the barman asks.
'My ship sank,'the sailor explains. 'A mermaid rescued me and gave me three wishes.
First, I wished to go home.
Second, I wished for a million pounds.
Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.'
'So what happened?'asks the barman.
'Well, the sailor replies. It turns out that mermaids can't have sex so I asked her if I could have a little head instead...........'

suave.4u

From Benchwarmers:

******************************************
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first"


*********************

suave.4u

From Benchwarmers:

******************************************
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first"


*********************

frag420

So has he drank 30 pints now?

blade1

frag420 wrote: »

So has he drank 30 pints now?

He has drank about a million pints since the joke was first told!!!:pac:

Brindor

Two Irishmen are in a bar, when another one walks in.

One asks the other, "Do you think he's in the IRA ?"

The other responds, "Ní Ceapaim."

Gloomtastic!

Brindor wrote: »

Two Irishmen are in a bar, when another one walks in.

One asks the other, "Do you think he's in the IRA ?"

The other responds, "Ní Ceapaim."

To save you the bother, it translates to 'I think not'.

It's lost on me too!!!!!

ofcork

Knee cap him!!!

Gloomtastic!

ofcork wrote: »

Knee cap him!!!

Who me or the joker? :rolleyes:

Edit: Now I geddit!

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110921165640AAo7isl

MonkieSocks

A loving family man is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife Sarah, his daughter and two sons are with him.

So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".




Sarah replies, "Property?



He only had a bloody paper round!"

wylie

A man rings the Herald to place an advert.

Man: Hello, I would like to place a ad please.
Herald: Okay.
Man: Mary's dead.
Herald: Excuse me?
Man: Mary's dead.
Herald: I'm sorry sir its five words minimum.







Man. Mary's dead..........Car for sale.

JCX BXC

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

To save you the bother, it translates to 'I think not'.

It's lost on me too!!!!!

As has already been posted,

Ni Ceapaim translates as I dont think so,

Ni Ceapaim is pronounced Knee Cap-(h)im.

Best if you pronounce it in a northern ireland accent.

MonkieSocks

Carnacalla wrote: »

Best if you pronounce it in a northern ireland accent.

Even better if pronounced in Norn Iron accent

emeldc

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

To save you the bother, it translates to 'I think not'.

It's lost on me too!!!!!

Whoosh!!!!! Ffs

foxy farmer

A Kerry terrorist (sorry) was being tried by a kangaroo court on a charge of betraying the organisation.
The entire proceedings were conducted through the medium of Irish.
Said the Kerryman to the judge "Ceapann tusa anois gur spaire Sasanach mise"
"Ni cheapaim" said the judge, so they did.

coolhull

Little Jimmy was playing outside with his friends. After a while he came running back into the house and asked his Granny, ‘’Grandma, what’s that called, you know, when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’’
Grandma was a bit taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
‘’It’s called sexual intercourse, dear.’’
Little Jimmy said, ‘’Oh, okay, thanks, Grandma’’, and ran back out to his little friends.
A few minutes he came back into the house and said angrily, ‘’Grandma, you lied to me. It’s not called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds.
And Tommy’s mother wants to have a word with you.’’

coolhull

An armed man goes into a bank and demands money.
Once the teller gives him the cash, he turns to a customer and asks, ’’Did you see me rob this bank?’’
‘’Yes Sir, I did,’’ the customer replies truthfully.
The robber then shoots him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turns to a couple nearby, and asks the man, ’’Did you see me rob this bank?’’
‘’ Well, no, Sir, I didn’t, but my wife did’’

Mr Tibbs

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm this morning but I accidentally gave her super glue
She hasn't spoken to me since

MonkieSocks

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm this morning but I accidentally gave her super glue
She hasn't spoken to me since

Good plan

chewed

What’s the most popular chocolate bar at a Mexican funeral?



A sombre Aero.

Hotblack Desiato

There was a 62-gun salute at the Tower of London today in honour of Queen Elizabeth's birthday.

They all fcukin' missed...

MonkieSocks

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks for a Pizza.


Sales assistant: “would you like anything on it sir.



Dalai Lama: “Make me one with all”

coolhull

Yet more sad news today from the world of music :


Kanye West has been found alive and well in his apartment.....

eisenberg1

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks for a Pizza.


Sales assistant: “would you like anything on it sir.



Dalai Lama: “Make me one with all”

The Dalai Lama then pays with a fifty,!but gets no money back from the assistant. When the Dalai Lama questions this, the assistant replies "but change comes from within, so fcuk off"

Capt'n Midnight

Why can't the Dalai Lama hoover under the sofa?

Because he has no attachments.

coolhull

If a man says he'll fix something, then he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months.....

mfceiling

A girl brings home her new boyfriend who is a good 20 years older than her.
Father isn't happy and warns him that he's in trouble if he gets her pregnant
The man says no worries. If it's a boy he can have half of the 200 apartments I own in dublin. If it's a girl she can have 5 million and a half share of the 2 shopping centres I own.
If it's twins they can have 2 million each and a house each on the coast in Dalkey.
The mother pipes up and asks what if she miscarries.

The father says "well then he'll fcuk her again"

Curly Judge

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned .. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Georgie , the little ****head.

Hagar7

What do you call a Scotsman with 1 foot in his house and his other foot on the pavement?

Hamish.

Ken.

Mod-More jokes,less sh!te talk please and thank you.

coolhull

My Missus crashed her car into some guy today. When the police came, she told them the fellah had talking been on his mobile and drinking beer from a can when the accident happened.
The police informed her that the man was entitled to do whatever he wanted in the privacy of his own conservatory.

mikeymouse

in the pub the other night my girlfriend asked me what a double entendre was,
I told her it was a drink,
she went up to the bar and the barman gave her one

Pixelbastardo

Son - mommy!, is the woman who moved in nextdoor a robot! ?
Mother - no son, why would you think such a silly thing ?
Son - dad's in the garden talking to Bill, and he said he was going to screw the arse off her

The flying mouse

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...


Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first
husband,Ted, died of
cancer.


She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in
a car accident, 12 years later.


Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5
more children.


Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for
her. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and said,


"Lord, they are finally together."


Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret,


"Do you think he means her first, second, or third
husband?"


Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs,
Ethel . . . Her
legs"

coolhull

An old lady was running up and down the halls in the nursing home. As she ran, she kept flipping up the hem of her nightgown and shouting , ‘’Supersex! Supersex!’’
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, lifted her gown and shouted ‘’Supersex!
He sat silently for a moment or two, then finally said, ‘’ I’ll take the soup.’’

moeblogs

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

moeblogs

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school because she had a habit of sleeping in class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, and said “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, sitting in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good.”

April fell back asleep.

A while later, April was asleep again and the teacher asked her, “April, Who is our Lord and Savior?”

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her in the rear with the pin again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good.”

April fell back to sleep. The teacher then called on her again and said, “April, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK ME WITH THAT FECKIN THING ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”

The Teacher fainted.