The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7

Holy Moly,I've just found out I've got 11 fingers.
Counted from 10,9,8,7,6 and 5 =11.

Hagar7

Holy Moly,I've just found out I've got 11 fingers.
Counted from 10,9,8,7,6 and 5 =11.

Hagar7

22.:eek:

Capt'n Midnight

8.

Hagar7

So did I, I had a ploughman's lunch,he wasn't too happy when I nicked it.

Hagar7

What do you call a snail without a shell?.

Homeless.

Hagar7

I fancied a game of darts with my farmer mate.

He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" ...He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" ...He said "You're closest!"

Hagar7

Guy goes to the doctor and tells him he's having trouble with his baws.
Doctor examines them and then says,
"Do you masturbate?"
Guy rather sheepishly replies, "Yes, quite a lot."
Doctor says, "It's great, isn't it."

Farmer Ed

Paddy lifted his Guinness said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, paddy!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of paddys drinking buddies on the
Road The man chuckled leeringly and said, "paddy won the
prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".

armaghlad

I like the "I like my women the way I like my coffee jokes"...

I like a woman the way I like my coffee...

With two es in her

CUCINA

People in Dubai don't watch "The Flintstones" but people in Abu Dhabi do!

Witchie

CUCINA wrote: »

People in Dubai don't watch "The Flintstones" but people in Abu Dhabi do!

Sent this to my sister last year when she was sitting in Abu Dhabi airport on her way home from Indian and she reckoned it was the funniest thing ever. I do love this joke.

Mr Tibbs

I saw an add in the paper today saying, free manure at Woodies
I went down to find out it was bullsh*t

coolhull

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and put her out into the backyard..and she better not sh1t in the vegetable garden again."
After that, the silence in the taxi was deafening..............

TheBody

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried sh1tless.

MonkieSocks

I went for a Testicle check-up last week.

The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said,

"Don't worry; it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure.

“I said, "I haven't got an erection."




She said "No, but I have."

wp_rathead

I know a guy who drowned in a bowl of Museli..
..he was pulled under by a strong currant

Mr Tibbs

Eat Prunes my mother used to always say
They will give you a good run for your money

coolhull

Mick returns from the doctor, pale and scared-looking. He tells his wife that the doctor informed him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the serious prognosis, Mick suggests that they make the most of what time is left, and they should go upstairs and have sex .
His wife naturally agrees, and they go to bed and make passionate love.
Some time later , Mick approaches his wife again. ‘’Honey, you know I’ve only have about twelve hours to live now. How about another blast at the ould love-making?’’
Of course his wife readily agrees, and they go at it again like rabbits
Later, Mick looks at his watch, and then taps his wife on the shoulder. ‘‘There’s only about nine hours left. Honey, do you think we could have another go?’’
She agrees, and they have another bout.
Four hours later, Mick says, ‘’Only five hours left now, honey. Maybe we could play ‘ hide the sausage’ again.....?
‘’Okay, dear,’’ she replies, (a bit less enthusiastically) and they go at it again.
After this session, the wife yawns, turns over and goes to sleep. Mick, however, dreading his impending doom, tosses and turns. Finally, when the clock shows he has only a few hours of life left to him, taps his wife’s shoulder again and she wakes.
‘’You know, honey, I have less than three hours left now, Do you think maybe we could.........?’’
At this point his wife sits up in bed, turns to her husband and says : ’’Ah for fcuks’s sake, Mick, I have to get up in the morning.... You don’t’’

Capt'n Midnight

My mother in law used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

emeldc

I went to Cork to see the mother in law last week.
She lives in Sligo but she looks better from Cork.

Birneybau

Bloke goes into the library, up to the librarian.

"Excuse me, do you have any books on paranoia?".

Librarian - "They're behind you"

chewed

A bloke goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet."

He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

Tigerbaby

Birneybau wrote: »

Bloke goes into the library, up to the librarian.

"Excuse me, do you have any books on paranoia?".

Librarian - "They're behind you"

Could also be used for "books about pantomimes" ..

eisenberg1

A drunk wanders in to a library, and roars at the librarian
"HEY YOU, GET ME A BATTERED SAUSAGE AND CHIPS, FAST!"

She replies "please sir, this is a library.

The drunk whispers back "sorry, get me a battered sausage and chips, fast"

bonzodog2

And while we're at it......

"Have you got any books about suicide ?"
Librarian: "Feck off, you won't bring it back"

gramar

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. A chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

Not long after the chicken came back again. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. She got as far as a pond in the park and there the chicken stopped in front of bullfrog. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

coolhull

www.Conjunctivitis.com

Is that a site for sore eyes?

coolhull

Patrick, who was on a short holiday in Australia with group from the Senior Citizens Home, was having no success with the ladies. So he asked the local life-guard for some tips.
‘’Mate’’, said the lifeguard, ‘’It’s obvious what the problem is. You’re wearing those baggy old swimming trunks that make you look even older than you are. Your best bet is to buy a set of snazzy Speedos - about two sizes too small – then shove a fist-sized potato down inside them and swagger around the beach. I’m tellin ya mate, the women will go crazy for ya.’’
The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach wearing a brand new set of really tight Speedos, and with a potato dropped down inside them.
But curiously all the women on the beach looked disgusted as he strode by. Turning away, hiding their faces, giggling behind their hands. Some even looked a bit sick.
Patrick couldn’t understand it, so he went back to the lifeguard and said to him, ‘’ I did everything you told me. What’s wrong now?’’
‘’God dammit, mate,'' said the lifeguard, ’’ The potato is meant to go down the front!’’

Stigura

Got up, the other day. I felt absolutely fcucking Great! Went for a wander. Ran into Pat. He takes one look at me and says; " Fcuking hell, Stigura! Seriously. WTF?! You look bloody awful! "

I'm like; " Naah, Pat! I feel fantastic! ". But, Pat insists I look ghastly. In fact, he says I really ought to see my GP. I'm looking That bad.

So, fcuk it. I ring Padraig, to get me down to the doctors. Taxi pulls up and Padraig recoils in disgust at the sight of me! " Holy Mother Of God!!! Stigura! Ye look fcuking terrible! " ..........

Got me to the surgery. I'm virtually rushed in to see Dr Moran. He visibly winced when he saw me. But asked what was up. I said; " Doc; Everyone says I look ghastly. But, I feel fantastic! WTF?! "

Well, he got this big book down and said, " Let me see ..... 'Feels Fantastic. Looks Fantastic' ....? Nope. "

" 'Feels Terrible. Looks Fantastic' ....?' Not you! "

" Aha! 'Feels Fantastic. Looks Terrible' And there we have it! ............... You're a Cnut! "

branie2

A Kerryman gave a diamond engagement ring to his girlfriend.

"Ooh!" she exclaimed. "Is it a real diamond?"

"If it isn't," said the Kerryman, "then I've just been conned out of €2.50"

Canard

*licking lips with anticipation* I've never sky dived before, I'm very nervous
instructor: don't ever lick my lips again

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses.[citation needed] by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railway tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is …
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

MonkieSocks

What's Brown and sounds like a Bell?










Dung!

stoplooklisten

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to fit my finger in...

...he's lodged a complaint and I'm bared from the gym.

CarrickMcJoe

Went shopping in Tesco with the wife the other day when out of nowhere she says, "You're the laziest B4stard I've ever known"!!!

Well......I nearly fell out of the trolley!

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

"So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Shít, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

coolhull

From Waterford Whispers :

THE proposed development of the Carrickmines branch of Ikea has been postponed while contractors head back to Sweden to get an allen key that should have come in the packaging.

The 15,000 square foot premises, long-rumoured after the success of the flagship branch in Ballymun, is set to open in the Summer, providing the construction is completed in time.

Although Ikea assured the construction team that the premises would be easy to construct, progress was halted after no allen key was found in the boxes of gïrders, cëmënt, roof shëëts and wïndows.

Needing the hexagonal key to connect the rööf to the wälls, senior construction manager Gerald Harris angrily sent a messenger boy back to the furniture giant’s main branch in Sweden to collect the tool.

“I had a load of them left over from when we built the Ballymun branch, but I threw them out,” said Harris, who had promised his wife he’d build the Ikea before the weekend.

“They were there in the drawer everytime you went to get a spoon, so I just ****ed them out. I didn’t think that this whole project would be held up while I waited for one. I tried screwing the place together with a star-headed screwdriver, but of course it didn’t fit the holes. No, that’d be too easy, wouldn’t it?”

byrner88

I visited my wife at the hospital.
"My God, you look terrible," I said.
"F*ck off, " she replied, "And I've told you before not to bother me while I'm at work."

kimokanto

What's the difference between a lentil & a chickpea?










I wouldn't pay €500 to have a lentil on my face

LordSutch

For me it has to be Billy Connolly's 1st appearance on Parkinson, when he told the joke about wife & somewhere to park yer bicycle )

Right joke, right place, right time. Seems pretty harmless looking back now, but at the time it was really awsome.

https://youtu.be/Slw08b3bHFE

Mr Tibbs

A woman was convicted of murder and was sentenced to death by hanging. On asking her her last wish she said she wanted to be hung naked. After deliberating for hours the officials decided that if that's what she wants, so be it. On the morning of the hanging, she stays on the gallows and smiles at the hangman. The hangman said, "what's all this for"? To which she replied, " it's all for you if you keep your trap shut"!

MonkieSocks

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.

Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

"Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember,

If it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

TheBody

There's a Polish bloke down our street who keeps singing "I want to know what love is."
Bloody foreigner!!

Hagar7

Last night I was sitting in the living room with the 2 kids and I said to them 'I never want to be stuck in a vegative state dependant on fluids and some machine,if that ever happened then I want you to pull the plug.'
10 minutes later I fell asleep and when I awoke they had shoved my wine down the sink and pulled the plug from the computer,the little bastards.

Hagar7

Last night I was sitting in the living room with the 2 kids and I said to them 'I never want to be stuck in a vegative state dependant on fluids and some machine,if that ever happened then I want you to pull the plug.'
10 minutes later I fell asleep and when I awoke they had shoved my wine down the sink and pulled the plug from the computer,the little bastards.

Hagar7

That's twice they've done that tonight.:mad:

jaykay74

Why did Adele cross the road ?
.
.
.
.
To say Hello from the other side

pablo128

What does an 80 year old woman have between her legs that a 20 year old woman hasn't?

Her tits!

donalh087

I was reading about "PornHub" and I thought... Is this what the world is coming to?