The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Rick Deckard

Women are like fine wines.







You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.

sidneykidney

George clooney is making a new movie about Gary glitter,called ........Oh she's eleven

sean1141

The queen has cancelled her visit to Cork City because of the traffic. She said that her grandson has been stuck in Middleton for the last two weeks.........

kfallon

Jesus was walking down the road one day and saw a crowd about to stone a woman. He stepped forth, shouting, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" - to which a voice from the back of the crowd replied, "Ah for fook sake Jesus, you always have to go first, don't ya!!!"

keano_afc

barone wrote: »

what do you call a fly with no wings?































a walk

Thats the best joke you've EVER heard?? Seriously?

Savage Tyrant

Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter.... I can't Imogen Why.

What a career Ryan Giggs has had though....
He's been in 7 FA Cup Finals. 5 League Cup Finals, 3 Champions League Finals and 1 Big Brother Quarter Finalist.

Rick Deckard

Savage Tyrant wrote: »

Ryan Giggs is suing Twitter.... I can't Imogen Why.

A hooker is taking out a super injunction against people saying she slept with Wayne Rooney:pac:

Freddie59

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

jimbob86

What do you do if you see a spaceman?









Park in it man!

JaMiE2492

Ryans Giggs wife has walked out on him..she has been given half of everythng he owns..she now has 6 more premier league medals than Stevie Gerard

Hootanany

My mate got raped by an elephant last week. He went to doctors. Doctor asked why his arsehole was stretched to 10 inches when an elephants penis is only 4 inches wide?


Weeping, my mate said..."the dirty bastrd fingered me first"

dusty207

haven't seen all posts so sorry if this is a repeat!

blond goes into a hairdressers for a cut and blowdry. hairdresser asks her to remove her ipod headphones but she refuses. takes him hours to do the cut etc etc but gets it done anyway. she pays and leaves. two weeks later she arrives back for the same. again he asks her to remove the headphones and again she refuses. halfway through the job he gets pissed off and sneaks them out of her ears and finishes the job. she stays there in the seat not moving. he checks and finds she's dead. while waiting for the ambulance he pops the headphones onto his own ears and hears...."breathe in, breathe out... breathe in, breathe out...breathe in, breathe out........."

Rick Deckard

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a b*ndage-S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.She showed it to her husband.He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?
The dad looked at her and said,

"Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

1867IE

True story but also the best joke I ever heard.

I work with a big multi-national and there was a German guy in our building on day having a meeeting, let's call him Hans.

Anyway, Hans is having lunch with our (Irish) guys and one of them gets up and says, "Excuse me, I must go early as I have a funeral to go to".

Hans responds, "Jeez Pat last time I was here you were at a funeral too. You Irish must love your funerals"!!

To which Pat turns around and responds, "Well Hans, in Ireland we bury them one at a time".

getz

i have a pet bulldog,every morning i take it out for a tramp in the woods.the dog loves it,the tramps not to pleased.

18AD

Some people say firemen deserve more money, but a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

- Milton Jones

--Kaiser--

getz wrote: »

i have a pet bulldog,every morning i take it out for a tramp in the woods.the dog loves it,the tramps not to pleased.

My Grandad has a dog with no legs called Woodbine.
Every evening he takes him outside for a drag

getz

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

My Grandad has a dog with no legs called Woodbine.
Every evening he takes him outside for a drag

is that the irish terrior ,who wags his head and walks backwards ?

Elba101

Violets are red
Roses are blue
I suffer from memory loss
Fish and chips

Filthy joke warning...

A guy goes to a hooker for a bit of fun but doesnt have much money.
'what can I get for a fiver?' he says
'I will let you eat me out for that' she responds
So he tears in and is quite enjoying himself.
After a few moments though a piece of carrot comes out of her minge! This does slightly worry the chap but since he is having such a good time he decides to tuck back in.
But then a little later a pea pops out!
Hmmm he thinks to himself, should he stop...ah no sure tis only a pea so he dives back down there.
But then a little bit later a chunk of meat comes out!
Now he is seriously worried so he decides to mention it to the brazzer.
'excuse me love, but are you sick or something' he asks gingerly
She responds 'No love, but the guy before you was'!!

bada boom tssssssh....

careca11

what do you call a fanny with Teeth


Spoiler. vicious c*nt

BO-JANGLES

An alien crash lands outside a pub in Ireland and staggers into the bar. Feeling a bit shocked he asked the bar man for a pint of whatever the locals drink.
"We don't serve aliens here" said the barman.
"But if I buy everybody a drink will you serve me then?"asked the alien.
"just put it on my tab"

The bar was buzzing all evening on the beer flowing thanks to the the alien and his tab. Everyone was having a great time.

At the end of the night the barman totted up the bill and handed him a bill for €1500.36 cent.

The alien looked at the bill smiled at the barman and said "sure,no problem, have you got change of a gonk?:D

getz

old mother murphy married three times gave birth to 12 children,when she died she had out lived them all. after the funeral father patrick said to the undertaker,well their back together again,who said the undertaker her first second or third husband ? no said father patrick,i am talking about her legs.

Sazzler

What do you get hanging from apple trees?



Sore arms.

ArtyM

A young guy walks into a bar and orders 5 vodkas straight up.
Barman lines them up in front of him.
He proceeds to take each one and throw it straight back.
Intrigued, the barman ask 'special occasion today fella'?
Yeah replies the guy, my first blowjob today.
Well congratulations, why didnt you say so replies the barman, the next one is on the house.
Thanks but no Thanks replies the guy, if those 5 didnt get rid of the taste nothing will.

Saint_Mel

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So deaf people can appreciate them too!

Rick Deckard

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"whens it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.

"The bus, chubby," I said, "who'd want to ride you?"

Savage Tyrant

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

Rick Deckard

peatcass wrote: »

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"whens it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.

"The bus, chubby," I said, "who'd want to ride you?"

In a shop; "Can I have a Kikat chunky?"
*hands me a Chunky Kitkat*

I wanted a normal one, you fat kunt!

MayoForSam

This redneck is driving along the road one day in a pick-up, he's transporting a pile of chickens in the back plus his cousin's prize cockerel, Henry, up front in the cab.

Along the way, he sees a nice curvy brunette hitchhiker thumbing a lift so he pulls over and beckons her inside. Henry the cockerel observes all this in an approving fashion.

Redneck: 'Come along with me honey, I'll show you a real good time."

Brunette: 'No thanks mister, you don't look too trustworthy."

Redneck: 'Suit yourself sister - no f*ck, no ride!", then he slams the door shut and tears off down the road.

A few miles further on, he spots another stunning blonde hitchhiker. Fancying his chances, he pulls over as Henry yet again looks on in eager anticipation.

Redneck: "Jump in here cutie, I'll show you a really good time"

Blonde: "No thanks sir, I think I'll wait for the next offer"

Redneck:"Ah bugger off then - no f*ck, no ride!", slams the door shut and tears off down the road.

By now, Henry the cockerel is getting a bit agitated and frustrated with the redneck's lack of success, so he starts squawking and hopping around the place.

The redneck quickly loses patience with Henry so he grabs him, opens the rear window and turfs him in the back of the pick-up.

Anyway, a few miles further down the road and the redneck notices oncoming cars are beeping and flashing their headlights at him.

He ignores them all until eventually another driver, while overtaking, pulls alongside and motions for the redneck to wind down his window.

Redneck: "What the heck is wrong with all you people?"

Driver: "Mister, I think you should pull over because you got some trouble in the back."

Redneck: "Whaddya mean?"

Driver:"Well, you got one mean looking cockerel in there and he's grabbing all of your chickens by the neck and flinging them out the back."

Redneck:"What?"

Driver:"And even weirder - he keeps yelling "No f*ck, no ride!" at the top of his voice!"

Savage Tyrant

I went for an interview for a job in a blacksmiths today.
The blacksmith asked if I had any experience in shoeing horses.
I told him No, but I did once tell a donkey to fûck off!

1mcampo1

I'd tell ye a joke about roof's,

but it would only go over ye're head

Floodric

Wanna hear a joke?


Womens Rights.

Agonist

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A man

Dangerous Man

Agonist wrote: »

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A woman

FYP.

theboss80

MayoForSam wrote: »

Driver:"Well, you got one mean looking cockerel in there and he's grabbing all of your chickens by the neck and flinging them out the back."

Redneck:"What?"

Driver:"And even weirder - he keeps yelling "No f*ck, no ride!" at the top of his voice!"

eh wha?

murpho999

Paddy has an interview for a Handyman on a building site in London.

"OK, Can you lay bricks?" asks the foreman.

"No, I can't lay bricks" says Paddy.

"Ok, can you mix cement?"

"No, I can't mix cement"

"Right then, can you fix scaffolding"

"No I can't fix scaffolding"

"Jesus Paddy!", says the foreman angrily, " You can't do anything, what's handy about you?"

"I only live round the corner!" says Paddy.

gimmebroadband

Did ya hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? ....he stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog....

Potential-Monke

Too many replies to go through, but i hope this isn't a repost...

Didn't Michelle Obama look lovely in her cotton dress? She picked it herself... *





*I'm not racist

TheUsual

Two BBC cameramen are out filming wild lions hunting in Africa, when suddenly a huge male lion appears from behind a tree just 100 metres in front of them.
The lion sees the cameramen and roars before he charges them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of runners, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, "What the hell are you doing ? Runners won’t help you outrun a lion !!"

"I don't need to outrun the lion," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

murpho999

Man: "Doctor can you please help me, I'm addicted to Twitter".

Doctor: "Sorry but I don't follow you."

everyday taxi

Why do dogs lick their balls?





































because they can

everyday taxi

An 18 yr old chap gettin a blow.job from a 90 yr old granny, and another one walking a tight-rope across the grand canyon. What are they both thinkin??









































Dont look down!!

Little Mickey

Imogen Thomas is starting her career as a musician. She'll be doing giggs in Manchester.

Rick Deckard

My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

"I find them very interesting," I said.

"Well, who gives a flying fcuk?" She said angrily.

"Dragonflies," I replied.

Capt'n Midnight

everyday taxi wrote: »

Why do dogs lick their balls?





































because they know they'll lick your face five minutes later

fyp

babouska

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doc replied "In over twenty years I have never laughed at a patient because I try to remain professional"

With that Bob drops his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen, it was no bigger than a AAA battery.

The doc burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm so sorry" said the doc, "I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it wont happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's Swollen" said Bob

babouska

Technically not a joke but too funny

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs..

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling ..

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Lockstep

babouska wrote: »

words

TL: DR

mink_man

2 gold diggers walk into a bar, they ask for a drink.

The barman says "Sorry, I don't serve miners"