The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

up for anything

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

Will I Amnt

everyday taxi wrote: »

Why do dogs lick their balls? because they can

What do you call a dog with no tongue???



Smelly balls

Agonist

up for anything wrote: »

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

LighterGuy

Best joke I've ever heard?

Free speech

want another one?
equality

Ah sure one more,
Fair-Play


:pac:

Scuid Mhór

'I suppose you could say the finishing school was finished with her.'

Spread

Hope this is not a repeat. If so, sorry to the earlier poster.

On the banks of the river Niger in Mali, the Village fete was coming to an end. Plenty of ribald laughter, singing and drumming preceded the final event ........ a poetry contest between the two best hung men. These happened to be a visiting academic and a goatherd.

Only two minutes to come up with a four line rhyme that included the word Timbuktu .......... the state's capital.

Official beat the drum and up swanned the academic:

"Across the burning desert sands
Winds the trail of caravans,
Men on camels - two by two
Destination Timbuktu".

Crowd go wild - dancing, shouting and making sexual gesticulations.
This, they thought, would be hard to beat.

Up on the stage goes the goatherd.
A kind of eerie silence fills the hot air.

"Me an' Tim a wanderin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu".

The latter declared the winner amid much celebrating and apish behaviour.

--Kaiser--

up for anything wrote: »

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

Agonist wrote: »

I imagine he's turning in his grave.....because she was riding all around him...

--Kaiser--

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
























Keep the tip

Frank Black

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Too many replies to go through, but i hope this isn't a repost...

Didn't Michelle Obama look lovely in her cotton dress? She picked it herself... *





*I'm not racist

FYP

Johner

An man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your wheelchair down there again!'

Laalaaa

So Osama Bin Laden was found in Abbotabad, Pakistan?...

Talk abbotabad place to hide...

hondasam

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really ****, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Chris P. Bacon

Not really a joke but,everyday i look in the mirror and say "i cant wait for tomorrow"....because i get better looking everyday

Rick Deckard

BBC NEWS: Teenager in China sells kidney for iPad.

In other news, Steve Jobs returns to work at Apple after long term illness.

offaly1

Laalaaa wrote: »

So Osama Bin Laden was found in Abbotabad, Pakistan?...

Talk abbotabad place to hide...

That made me giggle

Dolph Starbeam

Michael Owen has a new fragrance out he's called it "my cologne"

dusty207

What do you call a woman with only one leg?







Eileen


What do you call a woman with no legs?








Noleen

pappyodaniel

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

Rick Deckard

peatcass wrote: »

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"whens it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.

"The bus, chubby," I said, "who'd want to ride you?"

peatcass wrote: »

In a shop; "Can I have a Kikat chunky?"
*hands me a Chunky Kitkat*

I wanted a normal one, you fat kunt!

Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said,
"Can I borrow your lighter mate?"
She said, "I don't smoke."
"Neither do I," I replied, "I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby fcuk".

giles lynchwood

An Irishman and an Englishman sitting at a bar as usual trying to out do each other,so the englishman say´s" Football mate the most popular game in the world and we invented it".
To which the irishman replies "Hurling the fastest grass sport played and we invented it"
"British Beef "shouts the englishman",best in the world".
"Guinness"replies the irishman,world famous.
At this stage the englishman is getting annoyed and thinks to himself i´ll shut this mick up once and for all and announce´s to all "Sex we invented Sex"
To which the irishman replies"and we interdouced to WOMEN":D

Reloc8

What's green and sits in the corner ?

A bold frog.

TiGeR KiNgS

dusty207 wrote: »

What do you call a woman with only one leg?







Eileen


What do you call a woman with no legs?








Noleen

gtfo and dont come back

giles lynchwood

If a black bird has black babies,and a white bird has white babies,what bird has no babies.
A Swallow.:pac:

pockets3d

I know a good joke about roofs
but it'll probably go over your heads.

policarp

pockets3d wrote: »

I know a good joke about roofs
but it'll probably go over your heads.

You should take a bit of a slating for that...

Fart

snyper wrote: »

A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Aha, best joke I've heard in years. Literally crying with laughter.

paddy kerins

Nicolas Cages career

Hootanany

giles lynchwood wrote: »

An Irishman and an Englishman sitting at a bar as usual trying to out do each other,so the englishman say´s" Football mate the most popular game in the world and we invented it".
To which the irishman replies "Hurling the fastest grass sport played and we invented it"
"British Beef "shouts the englishman",best in the world".
"Guinness"replies the irishman,world famous.
At this stage the englishman is getting annoyed and thinks to himself i´ll shut this mick up once and for all and announce´s to all "Sex we invented Sex"
To which the irishman replies"and we interdouced to WOMEN":D

dusty207

TiGeR KiNgS wrote: »

gtfo and dont come back

Why?

Scram

Hootanany wrote: »

sounded like the joke ws going somewhere, i dont get it either.

pappyodaniel

Scram wrote: »

sounded like the joke ws going somewhere, i dont get it either.

There is a good punchline at the end but the joke is very muddled up with bad spelling.

Spread

pappyodaniel wrote: »

There is a good punchline at the end but the joke is very muddled up with bad spelling.

Dotti oops Ditto

kfallon

Two Monkeys in a bath

one goes "ooo oo ah ah o ah oo ooo ah"

the other says "well if thats fuckin' hot put a drop of cold in!"

kfallon

Boy sees sign in shop window:

Doughnuts €1

Sandwiches €2

**** €5

Young lad goes into the shop all excited and asks the Busty Blonde shopkeeper "Are you the lady that gives the ****?"

"Yes" she replies

"Could you wash your hands please and I'll have a ham sandwich!!"

kfallon

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I was devastated.

My friend said, "Don't worry mate, there's plenty more fish in the sea."

I replied, "Yeah, but its not just the smell I miss."

Frank Black

dusty207 wrote: »

Why?

Because 1978 called and it wants its joke back – now take a hike buddy.

Fbjm

No idea if this has been posted yet, but here's one.

An old guy meets someone in a club and brings her back to his place, but the problem is his parts aren't as functional as they used to be. So he tells her to go into the bedroom, and he'll be in in a few minutes. He heads for the toilet and takes out his secret bottle of liquid Viagra. Now the girl is a real looker and he wants to make it a long night, so he downs half the bottle.

Now I don't think I mentioned this before, but this poor man's eyesight is also beginning to go, and he collapses on the bathroom floor after downing half a bottle of Tippex. The girl hears the commotion, comes out and sees him on the floor. In a state of panic, she calls for an ambulance.

So the man ends up being ok; in fact, he wakes up in the hospital the very next morning - with a MASSIVE correction.

Ledger

Fbjm wrote: »

No idea if this has been posted yet, but here's one.

An old guy meets someone in a club and brings her back to his place, but the problem is his parts aren't as functional as they used to be. So he tells her to go into the bedroom, and he'll be in in a few minutes. He heads for the toilet and takes out his secret bottle of liquid Viagra. Now the girl is a real looker and he wants to make it a long night, so he downs half the bottle.

Now I don't think I mentioned this before, but this poor man's eyesight is also beginning to go, and he collapses on the bathroom floor after downing half a bottle of Tippex. The girl hears the commotion, comes out and sees him on the floor. In a state of panic, she calls for an ambulance.

So the man ends up being ok; in fact, he wakes up in the hospital the very next morning - with a MASSIVE correction.

shut the door on your way thanks.

Fozzydog3

Chris P. Bacon wrote: »

Not really a joke but,everyday i look in the mirror and say "i cant wait for tomorrow"....because i get better looking everyday

FYP

sean1141

i thought this was best jokes thread not a FYP thread

Cypher_sounds

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and asks 'what do you do?' Clarkson replies 'i do top gear' Amy Winehouse says 'aww i'll have 3 grams please'

Rick Deckard

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

Fbjm

Ledger wrote: »

shut the door on your way thanks.

-.-

PeterIanStaker

Two wrongs never make a right;


But they do make an episode of Jerry Springer.

AlanBr

Why is Beyonce's song called "To the left to the left"...?


Because black people have no rights.

Fbjm

peatcass wrote: »

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

pipelaser

Best joke I ever heard was one totally off the cuff by a mate of mine(Donal).

There were three of us travelling in South america, all in our late 20s. While on a particular trip we had a few younger girls(all around 18) in our group, one of which was quite hot..
Since there were only two-man tents, one of us (David a 28 year old that works in economics) had to sleep in the same one as this hot girl.

After a few drinks we all went to the tents and there was a bit of giggleing as we all watched the two of them go into the tent together.

After we all shouted goodnight to each other Waltons style, there was a bit of a pause..

Donal: "Dave, your good at maths arent you?"
David "Yeah..., what?"
Donal "How many times does 28 go into 18?" !!

Boom Boom, I pissed myself!:pac:

Rick Deckard

Fbjm wrote: »

http://sickipedia.org/

Copypasta?

Third highest of the day.

Original.

Just sharing with the group. Am crap for remembering jokes

orourkeda

peatcass wrote: »

Once you go black, you never go back.

I'd love to see Kari test that one on MythBusters.

I love Kari.

(p.s thats not a joke)

sunflower27

peatcass wrote: »

Am crap for remembering jokes

The 1,000th post. Oh the irony