The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

admiralofthefleet · 26-06-2011 8:32pm

whats the one case columbo cant crack

his coffin

chughes · 26-06-2011 8:45pm

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

whats the one case columbo cant crack
his coffin

"I've just one last question, how do I get outa here ?".

VampiricPadraig · 26-06-2011 8:47pm

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was DEAD!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because....it was...stapled to the first monkey!

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer Pressure

efb · 26-06-2011 8:52pm

What does a maths teacher do when he's constipated?

Works it out with a pencil.

mr lee · 26-06-2011 9:06pm

how do you confuse 2 blind lesbians, put them in the middle of a fish farm. police arrested a firecracker and a battery, they let off one and charged the other.

wobblyheadedbob · 26-06-2011 9:31pm

What do you call a rich Chinese person?

Cha Ching!

*ashamed*

thebullkf · 26-06-2011 9:32pm

What do you call :

A 3 legged donkey

a wonkey

A one eyed 3 legged donkey

a winky wonkey

A one eyed 3 legged donkey with a guitar\

a honky tonky winky wonkey

a donkey on heroin

a Jonkey

A donkey hanging outta a tree eating a banana

a mon-key

whats the most crucial part of a joke timing

efb · 26-06-2011 11:09pm

How come when the title is best joke you ever heard, people list of reams of them????

Indecisive much???

Bassboxxx · 26-06-2011 11:17pm

Yeah I'm thinking the thread should be renamed "any joke you've ever heard"

thebullkf · 26-06-2011 11:21pm

Bassboxxx wrote: »

Yeah I'm thinking the thread should be renamed "any joke you've ever heard"

efb wrote: »

How come when the title is best joke you ever heard, people list of reams of them????

Indecisive much???

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

frenchy1992 · 27-06-2011 12:08am

There are three men in a plane. It is losing altitude so they all have to throw something out of it.

The first man, who is american, throws out his wallet.
The ssecond one who is french, throws out a bottle of wine.
The last one, a man from palestine throws out a bomb.

When he gets home, the american fella meets a homeless person that seems absolutely delighted. He asks him "why are you so happy ?" and the homeless person answers : "I just found a wallet full of money ! "

When the french man gets home he sees a boy crying so he asks him what's wrong. The boy answers : "I was walking in the street and a bottle of wine fell on top of me !!!"

When the palestinian guy comes home, he sees an old man laughing out loud. He asks him : "what's so funny ?". The old man answers : "I farted and my house exploded !"

Bassboxxx · 27-06-2011 12:32am

thebullkf wrote: »

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

If you bother to look you'd have seen I did and low and behold it was the best joke I ever heard....:rolleyes:

Ah I see now, you musta thot I was talking about you....wasn't, I actually thot ur "wonkey" jokes were good...tut

Chuck Stone · 27-06-2011 2:04am

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly

:pac:

D_murph · 27-06-2011 2:11am

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men give a s**t :pac:.

efb · 27-06-2011 6:48am

thebullkf wrote: »

how about contributing a joke..... moan much:rolleyes:

Scroll up!
Also I would consider the donkey thing 1 joke. The timing one make it two tho! Lolz

fred funk }{ · 27-06-2011 10:57am

I rang work this morning and told them I wouldn't be in because I was sick. My boss asked me how sick I was. I told him I was really sick, I was in bed with my sister.

fred funk }{ · 27-06-2011 11:10am

A traveller came home from school one day and said to his mother "mammy mammy I was in school today and I was able to count to twenty and nobody else could, is that because I'm a traveller?" "yes yes son that's because you're a traveller" said the mother.

The next day the traveller came home from school again and asked his mother "mammy mammy I was in school today and I was able to spell 'car' and nobody else could is that because I'm a traveller?" "yes yes son that's because you're a traveller" said the mother.

The next day the traveller once again came home from school and said " mammy mammy I was in school today and after PE I was in the changing room and I noticed my willy was much bigger than anybody else's, is that because im a traveller?" the mother said "no son that's because you're 26".

Hootanany · 27-06-2011 3:25pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass? "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

barone · 30-06-2011 2:58pm

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Poor Uncle Tom · 30-06-2011 4:41pm

barone wrote: »

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off arent you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

That's not a joke....

That's the worst horror story I heard in my life....:eek:

TiGeR KiNgS · 30-06-2011 4:59pm

barone wrote: »

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off arent you?The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

WTF, I think you posted in the wrong thread/forum.

barone · 30-06-2011 5:13pm

think the women would find it funny eh

getz · 30-06-2011 5:20pm

pat said to john,you are the laughing stock of the village,on thursday you were making love to your wife ,and you dident close the curtains,the whole village was watching you.john said,well the jokes on them then because i was in dublin all day thursday

barone · 30-06-2011 5:55pm

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car".

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded".

MajorThom · 30-06-2011 7:19pm

Paddy was driving down the road with 15 penguins in his car.

He came to a garda checkpoint and the guard asked him "what are you doing with 15 penguins in the car"? to which he replied "I dont know, I just had them come along for a spin with me, is that a problem officer"!!!

The guard said "would you ever go away and take them to the Zoo" so Paddy said he would.

The next day, Paddy came across the same guard at the same checkpoint and still had the 15 penguins in the car with him. The guard got angry and said to him "I thought I told you to take them penguins to the Zoo"!!!

"I did" said Paddy, "and now Im taking them to the cinema".....

Liam Byrne · 30-06-2011 7:28pm

3 guys were in a queue for Heaven and St Peter said there was only space for 1.....

So he decided to ask them how they died - the biggest sob-story would get in.

Guy 1 : "Well I was up a drainpipe - spying on a neighbour's wife having sex, and next thing her husband came in shouting; I decided to leg it but and looked up only to see a wardrobe come crashing down on top of me"

St Peter : "That's awful - you could be in. Let me just hear a few more"

Guy 2 : "Well I came home early from work to find my wife upstairs naked; she'd obviously been with someone.....the window was open and I saw the guy climbing down the drainpipe, so in my rage I grabbed the nearest heavy thing to throw at him - a wardrobe, but I fell out the window as I threw it"

St Peter : "That's awful too - this is going to be tougher than I thought...

What's your story Number 3 ?"

Guy 3 : "Not sure - last thing I remember I was hiding in a wardrobe".

gman2k · 30-06-2011 10:10pm

barone wrote: »

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

Haha, that's hilarious! (I've shortened it to a one liner for you!)

roy rodgers · 30-06-2011 10:59pm

What do you call a condom with money inside of it????

jonney cash..

What do ya call a black condom???

Night rider..

What do you call a red condom???

little red riding hood...:P

GoldFour4 · 30-06-2011 11:10pm

I dunno what its been posted before... This was in how I met your mother a while ago...

Q: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam ?

A: I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass!

T2daK · 01-07-2011 1:01am

I've a good joke.

Arsenal to win the Premier League 2011/12

shrewdness · 01-07-2011 12:51pm

In the toilet of McBrides pub, 3 men were standing side-by-side using the urinals.

The 1st guy finished, an American, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...right up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next man finished, an Englishman, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Oxford and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The last man, an Irishman, zipped up, and as he was walking out the
door said, "I graduated from the University of Life.. me oul doll taught me not to piss on me hands."

Spread · 01-07-2011 1:37pm

T2daK wrote: »

I've a good joke.

Arsenal to win the Premier League 2011/12

That's beyond a joke

Everyone's afraid of QPR :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1z0UQ0eqRM :cool:

Nulty · 01-07-2011 1:42pm

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?

Cause they're ugly and they smell bad.

1867IE · 01-07-2011 1:57pm

roy rodgers wrote: »

What do you call a condom with money inside of it????

jonney cash..

What do ya call a black condom???

Night rider..

What do you call a red condom???

little red riding hood...:P

What do you call a white condom?

Full.

patmac · 01-07-2011 2:01pm

malachyscott wrote: »

I dunno what its been posted before... This was in how I met your mother a while ago...

Q: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam ?

A: I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass!

Second joke of the thread!

Orando Broom · 01-07-2011 2:16pm

May have posted this before:

Why can't the Dutch tell jokes timing.

barone · 02-07-2011 8:27am

A Wise Man once said "You should treat Ur women the way u treat Ur vacuum cleaner!!! when it stops sucking........ . change the ****ing bag"!!

getz · 02-07-2011 8:57am

last week i went fly fishing........caught a ten pound bluebottle

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2011 6:03pm

T2daK wrote: »

Arsenal to win the Premier League 2011/12

hmm odds of 167/1 , I'm tempted

Capt'n Midnight · 03-07-2011 6:16pm

shrewdness wrote: »

"I graduated from the University of Life.. me oul doll taught me not to piss on me hands."

I just don't get the mentality of people who think that's funny.

Anyone who could suggest eating finger food that tastes of their [:eek: ] is just a complete scumbag.

lecker Hendl · 03-07-2011 8:22pm

My wife said she was leaving me the other night due to my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking...and then I saw her face.

chughes · 03-07-2011 9:29pm

lecker Hendl wrote: »

My wife said she was leaving me the other night due to my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking...and then I saw her face.

See post 1060 in this thread.