The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

R P McMurphy

Neighbours son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a ****. I said "now, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether

R P McMurphy

Two guys are in the health club and getting changed, one is putting on lace knickers

Shocked the other man exclaims "Since when do you wear womens pants?"



"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Pace2008

Einhard wrote: »

Two gobstoppers are having a drink in a pub, each boasting about how hard he is, and how he could take any mint in the place. One of them saunters up to a humbug and starts pushing him about, giving him stick, and generally being a menace. Anyway, the humbug manages to squirm out of it and return to his table where he's having a few drinks with his unassuming minty mates. The second gobstopper makes his move next and walks over to the same table, startings intimidating and threatening the mints. He slaps the humbug a few times, and laughs as they all cower away from him. As he's swaggering away, chest puffed up, and eyeing all the rest of the terrified patrons, a Halls Soother walks in, and bouth gobstoppers dive under the nearest table, holding each other and quaking in fear. They remain there until the Soother drinks his pint and leaves. Whereupon the barman turns to them, and says that he thought they were hard men. Still shaking, obviously terrified, the bigger gobstopped peers out from under the table and replies...

....

...

...

...

"Are you mad, we're not going near him. Everyone knows he's Menthol!!!"

sorry

This joke in its many incarnations ranks in my 5 all-time favourites.

A quick variant for use with those of a short attention span:

A packet of Juicy Fruits and a packet of Wrigley's spearmint are taking a stroll together. A big packet of Airwaves comes walking down the road and aggessively shoulders through the two as he passes.

The Juicy Fruit turns around angrily to have a go at the airwaves, but the spearmint pull him back and says "Leave it, lad, it's not worth it...

that lad is menthol."

Fozzydog3

Pace2008 wrote: »

This joke in its many incarnations ranks in my 5 all-time favourites.

A quick variant for use with those of a short attention span:

A packet of Juicy Fruits and a packet of Wrigley's spearmint are taking a stroll together. A big packet of Airwaves comes walking down the road and aggessively shoulders through the two as he passes.

The Juicy Fruit turns around angrily to have a go at the airwaves, but the spearmint pull him back and says "Leave it, lad, it's not worth it...

that lad is menthol."

Another one in the same vein ,


Black tarmac and grey tarmac are in a pub discussing how tough they are and black tarmac goes " I tell you what , you pick anyone in this pub and I'll start a fight with them "

Just as he finishes red tarmac walks in so grey tarmac goes "alright how about him ? "

Black tarmac , visibly shaken goes "No way , I know im hard but he's a fcuking cyclepath ! "

Sir Gallagher

Whats the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You get a blow job at the same time.

Pace2008

Fozzydog3 wrote: »

Another one in the same vein ,


Black tarmac and grey tarmac are in a pub discussing how tough they are and black tarmac goes " I tell you what , you pick anyone in this pub and I'll start a fight with them "

Just as he finishes red tarmac walks in so grey tarmac goes "alright how about him ? "

Black tarmac , visibly shaken goes "No way , I know im hard but he's a fcuking cyclepath ! "

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

For this thread only, multiple Thanks should be allowed.

senorwipesalot

Why did Helen Keller wear tight jeans?
So people could read her lips.

im invisible

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

man walks into a bar with a piece of red tarmac under his arm, and says to the barman

"can i have a pint, and one for the road"

...



barman says "i'll serve you, but im not serving him, that lad's a cyclepath"

there ya go, two for the price of one:D

Sitec

Don't know if this will work you might have to say it out loud.

Two Northern Ireland cows standing in a field. Which on is going on Holidays?









The one with the wee calf.

ericl

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

R P McMurphy

Two Italian men are at a restaurant and the first says to the other.

"First Emma cum then I cum. Two asses come together and I cum again. Two asses come together once more and I cum again. Pee twice and I cum again."

A disgusted woman looks at the two and says
"I don't care what it's like in your country but here we don't discuss our sexual lives in public."

The first Italian guy looks at her perplexed and says

"Lady what you talkin' about? Shut uppa your mouth, I just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

R P McMurphy

I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse yesterday

I just couldn't get past her

I was tooting my horn and hanging out the window shouting at her, but still she wouldn't let me past

The guy on the motorbike behind me was waving madly too.
I was so frustrated.

"It's people like you that cause accidents," I shouted at her.
After several minutes, I could take no more.

I looked all around to make sure the coast was clear...

...and jumped off the carousel

R P McMurphy

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says:
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Samich

^^ Dude this is the best joke ye ever heard, not a collection of jokes.

J K

Pace2008 wrote: »

That joke (with a little tweaking) is totally getting broken out tomorrow night.

For this thread only, multiple Thanks should be allowed.

You can follow it up with a few packets of sweets having a similar conversation and one of them turns out to be Menthol. ....Ahh it's 1988 again.

Quagmire77

Why does Mr.Tayto have a mobile phone?

...............................................
...............................................
......................In case Johhny Onion Rings!!

GrizzlyMan

What did jesus Say when he woke up on the cross?


FU*K i was hammered last night!!

criticalcritic

That Ricky Gervais is funny, absolutely side splitting!

--Kaiser--

A hobo, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if she had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The hobo said "How about 50 dollars?" The woman agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.

A short time later, the hobo came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" she asked.
"Yes," the hobo answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the woman reached in her pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the hobo added, "I know a bit about cars, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

GodlessInfidel

What do you call a woman with two cu*ts?

Jedwards ma

Cork24

What you Call a Snail on a ship ?

a Snailor :cool:

aaronjumper

A man buys two fish from the pet store.
He names 1 "One" and the other "Two"

That way if "One" dies he will still have "Two"!

Badum-tsch

Savage Tyrant

£12 for a three course roast dinner that feeds 4. That's why mums go to Iceland....

£10 for an 13 year old, bouncing on your willy all day, that's why dads go to Thailand...

Rocky_Dennis

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said "I'm sick of it, you actually think you're a transformer. It's stupid, I've had enough and I'm leaving you"
I said "But baby, I can change"
She said "There you go again"

R P McMurphy

I was driving past a field the other day and I saw a scarecrow trying to have a ****! Then I thought to myself: that is never gonna happen, that things only clutching at straws

R P McMurphy

how do they separate the men from the boys in greece?

with a crowbar

R P McMurphy

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response

banquet

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
Why did the other koala fall out of the tree? because it was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the tree fall over? Because it though it was a game.

Scealta_saol

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed together. The chicken is sitting up with a cigarette in his hand and a satisfied smile on his face. The egg is looking unhappy and mutters aloud to no one in particular, "well I guess that answers that question"

johnnysmack

banquet wrote: »

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
Why did the other koala fall out of the tree? because it was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the tree fall over? Because it though it was a game.

Way to ruin the joke! It should be...

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? because it was stapled to the foot of the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Because it thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a koala

How did the man die in wood? 3 koalas and tree fell on him

Android 666

johnnysmack wrote: »

Way to ruin the joke! It should be...

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? because it was stapled to the foot of the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Because it thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a koala

How did the man die in wood? 3 koalas and tree fell on him

Yes, because it's absolutely, 100%, sh¡t my pants because I can't breath from laughing funnier that way…

fred funk }{

Scealta_saol wrote: »

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed together. The chicken is sitting up with a cigarette in his hand and a satisfied smile on his face. The egg is looking unhappy and mutters aloud to no one in particular, "well I guess that answers that question"

Christ almighty. That joke has been posted about ten times in this thread, the most recent on the previous page.

Scealta_saol

fred funk }{ wrote: »

Christ almighty. That joke has been posted about ten times in this thread, the most recent on the previous page.

oops. i have to admit. i got lazy. there are 99 pages on the topic!

ericl

*WARNING* if you see an email saying, "2 free tickets to Jedward",

DO NOT open it! It contains 2 free tickets to Jedward!

multivitamin

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

I know it as,

Why did Ellen fall off the swing?
-Because she had no arms.
----
-Knock knock!
-Who's there?
-Surely not Ellen!

Zapho

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

bijapos

A lion and a tiger are walking down Grafton St at 3 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon. Lion says to the tiger:

"I thought you said it was busy around here."

---

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce Who?

Lettuce in will ya, I forget me keys.

johnnysmack

Android 666 wrote: »

Yes, because it's absolutely, 100%, sh¡t my pants because I can't breath from laughing funnier that way…

Might as well post it right if its gonna be posted at all.

hondasam

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts''

zenno

man I can't go through all those..... this could be here but if not heres a joke...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"



Wait there's more.



Moment's later, Seamus arrives at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis." Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"



It's not over yet ...



Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding! "

Scealta_saol

Dear Santa,
Don't fcuking bother coming this year,
I've got loads of stuff already.
Jerome
Aged 9
Tottenham.

kevmol88

I took some Neurofen Plus earlier-not only has my headache cleared but my neighbour's dog has stopped telling me to kill my mother in law.

barone

Sky News : "Hearts Fan Cleared Of Assault On Neil Lennon"

Clearly, video evidence in football will never work.

TokenWhite

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

---

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

---

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

It's the police, I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident, your husband has been killed.

---

A platypus walks into a bar. They are the only mammals with the ability to lay an egg.




.

eugeneious

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says;

"fcuk off, you won't bring it back."

Samich

A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and his wife cries herself to sleep at night.

TheUsual

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum ?

Warren.

---

I was late for work today.
My manager was really really angry and shouted "You should have been here at 8:30 !!!"
So I said "Why? What happened at 8:30 ?"

sh__93

Elba101 wrote: »

As a person of Jewish descent, I don't take kindly to jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

I'm not Jewish. But 6,000,000 people died in the holocaust. Making jokes about a tragedy like this is unacceptable Ann Frankly i won't stand for it!

Temptamperu

My grandad died in a concentration camp.... he fell of the watch tower whilst drunk. :pac:

Podge2k7

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

ilickalottapuss