The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Fozzydog3

A guy walks into a synagogue and goes up to the rabbi and says
"Hey I'd like to convert to judaism "
the rabbi goes "sure no problem that'll be 50 quid"
astonished the man goes "50 quid ! are you having a laugh ? theres no way im paying 50 quid for that!"
to which the rabbi responds "you're in"

Capt'n Midnight

TokenWhite wrote: »

A platypus walks into a bar. They are the only mammals with the ability to lay an egg.

Echidna

yupyup7up

Just got the script for the new Asterix movie :
************************************************************

*************************************************************************

*************************************************************************

*************************************************************************

********

R P McMurphy

My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs

R P McMurphy

My missus says she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through watching it.

Strangely, I have a similar system.

R P McMurphy

How can you tell when a woman from Carlow is having a period?

She'll only be wearing one sock.

The King of Moo

An Irishman walks into a job interview in London. The interviewer wants to test his lateral thinking and creativity, so he asks Paddy to represent the number nine on a piece of paper without writing any numbers.

Paddy thinks for a second then draws three pictures of trees. "Dere ya are!"

The interviewer, puzzled, says "Explain that please."

"Well, it's tree trees. Tree trees is nine!"

"Ok, very good Paddy" the interviewer says, "but I bet you can't represent ninety-nine!"

Without hesitation, Paddy licks his finger and smudges the three pictures. "Dere ya are!

"There I am what!?" sniffs the interviewer.

"Dirty tree, dirty tree an' dirty tree: ninety-nine!"

The interviewer is a bit annoyed now and wants to really test Paddy.
"Right then, there's no way you can represent one hundred!"

Again without hesitation, Paddy draws a little piece of dog poo beside each tree.

"Now what have you done, you silly little man!" the interviewer cries, "you've just drawn some poo!"

"Exactly" Paddy replies, "dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree and a turd makes one hundred! Now when do I start?"

TheUsual

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look my friend, you've obviously got the wrong address. Please go away", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong address! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong address! Who do you want to give these to ?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says :

"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

Ben Moore

A Moth visits an osteopath who is just closing for the night but agrees to see him.

"What's the matter Mr. Moth?"

"I'm depressed, the recession has made me lose my job, my wife has left me and i can't look into the faces of my children without crying."

The Osteopath sympathises but replies
"You should be seeing a psychiatrist, why did you come here?"

The moth replies
"Because you're light was on."

Ben Moore

Ben Moore wrote: »

A Moth visits an osteopath who is just closing for the night but agrees to see him.

"What's the matter Mr. Moth?"

"I'm depressed, the recession has made me lose my job, my wife has left me and i can't look into the faces of my children without crying."

The Osteopath sympathises but replies
"You should be seeing a psychiatrist, why did you come here?"

The moth replies
"Because you're light was on."

Better heard than read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbN4Z5ojl4Q

4leto

I went to the doctor and he told me to stop ****,,I said why,,because I am trying to examine you.

Marty McFly

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?




Cancer.



:eek::eek::eek: to much for here maybe.

zimmermania

Afaith healer comes to town and a large crowd are assembled in the parish hall. He invites people to be healed to come forward and explain whats wrong with them.A man on crutches announces that his name is christy he suffers from polio and is unable to walk without crutches. The healer lays his hands on Christeys knees,he chants "with these hands i heal thee"He then tells Christy to go behind a large curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The next person up announces his name is John and he has a hair lip and is unable to speak properly The healer puts his hands on Johns lips saying "with these hands John i heal thee,now go behind the curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The faith heal then shouts in a loud voice "Christy throw forth your crutches the hushed crowd gasp as the crutches come flying into the hall,the healer then screams "John John SPEAK TO ME SPEAK the crowd by now on the edge of their seats wait in anticipation until they hear a voice fom behind the curtain sayCRITTY ID ATTER FALLIN DOWN ON THE GGROUD/

Scealta_saol

zimmermania wrote: »

Afaith healer comes to town and a large crowd are assembled in the parish hall. He invites people to be healed to come forward and explain whats wrong with them.A man on crutches announces that his name is christy he suffers from polio and is unable to walk without crutches. The healer lays his hands on Christeys knees,he chants "with these hands i heal thee"He then tells Christy to go behind a large curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The next person up announces his name is John and he has a hair lip and is unable to speak properly The healer puts his hands on Johns lips saying "with these hands John i heal thee,now go behind the curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The faith heal then shouts in a loud voice "Christy throw forth your crutches the hushed crowd gasp as the crutches come flying into the hall,the healer then screams "John John SPEAK TO ME SPEAK the crowd by now on the edge of their seats wait in anticipation until they hear a voice fom behind the curtain sayCRITTY ID ATTER FALLIN DOWN ON THE GGROUD/

not yet

Man writes to agony aunt in the paper...........

Dear Ann, Whilst in my back bedroom last week I noticed next doors neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing topless.............

I whipped out my langer and started to **** furiously, after a while I noticed my wife standing behind me with her arms crossed....

My question..............................Is she a pervert!!!!

Reloc8

luvbulmers01 wrote: »

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?




Cancer.



:eek::eek::eek: to much for here maybe.

No just completely unfunny.

But yes you are awful hardcore controversial etc etc etc zzzzzzzz

zimmermania

Scealta_saol wrote: »

you just gotta say it out loud man

Scealta_saol

zimmermania wrote: »

you just gotta say it out loud man

I tried But I was never so good at accents etc.. Just put me up as a lost cause

getz

Scealta_saol wrote: »

I tried But I was never so good at accents etc.. Just put me up as a lost cause

paddy said ,what ever you do, dont get a labrador,notice how many people who are blind have them

--Kaiser--

getz wrote: »

paddy said ,what ever you do, dont get a labrador,notice how many people who are blind have them

Not a great joke teller, are you?

It's
Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.
"**** off" say's Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Wossack

Reminds me of:

A blond comes home to her front door open and her house ransacked. She calls the gardai and explains the robbery. A member of the garda dog unit is nearby and is sent over. He arrives, dog in tow, and as as soon as the blond sees him, she bursts into tears. The gardai asks the woman "whats the matter?" and she responds "I come home to the worst day of my life and they send me a blind cop!"

getz

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Not a great joke teller, are you?

It's
Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.
"**** off" say's Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

i have a excuse,i am english

Maloney33

sh__93 wrote: »

I'm not Jewish. But 6,000,000 people died in the holocaust. Making jokes about a tragedy like this is unacceptable Ann Frankly i won't stand for it!

I bet Anne Frank would be pissed if she realized everyone was reading her diary

Bogger_92

Im really glad there are no more jokes going around about the holocaust, they're really close to home for me, as my grandfather dies in auschwitz...



He fell out of his machine gun tower and died...

:P

Coriolanus

Bogger_92 wrote: »

Im really glad there are no more jokes going around about the holocaust, they're really close to home for me, as my grandfather dies in auschwitz...



He fell out of his machine gun tower and died...

:P

I find that joke horribly offensive. My grandfather was treated absolutely horrifically by the Germans in Dachau.



His superior officer passed him over for promotion again and again.

Ben Moore

Deleted User wrote: »

Better heard than read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbN4Z5ojl4Q

Ha i stole it and shortened it from Norm McDonald who stole it from the driver who brought him to the show!

pulled pubes

What do you call an ethiopian with his arse in the air??

A trocaire box

This still makes me howl.

Laika1986

What did the Jewish Paedophile say to the kid in the van?

"Give me back them sweets"

af_thefragile

What's the difference bettween USA and Yoghurt?
A.

Yoghurt has some culture in it.

sorry....

Teutorix

Bogger_92 wrote: »

Im really glad there are no more jokes going around about the holocaust, they're really close to home for me, as my grandfather dies in auschwitz...



He fell out of his machine gun tower and died...

:P

Thats not funny my grandfather died in auschwitz, he was crushed by a guard that fell out of a tower.

zimmermania

A guy walks into a clinic and tries to chat up a very attractive girl who is sitting in the waiting room.The girl says "im here to give to give blood i get 50 dollars for half a pint i suppose you are giving blood too".The guy shakes his head saying "no im here to give a sperm donation i get 200 dollars for it".A week later the guy walks into the same clinic and sees the same girl sitting there.Hi honey the guy says i suppose you are here to give blood again?With her mouth tightly shut the girl shakes her head and says uh uh.

Teutorix

zimmermania wrote: »

A guy walks into a clinic and tries to chat up a very attractive who is sitting in the waiting room.The girl says "im here to give to give blood i get 50 dollars for half a pint i suppose you are giving blood two".The guy shakes his head saying "no im here to give a sperm donation i get 200 dollars for it".A week later the guy walks into the same clinic and sees the same girl sitting there.Hi honey the guy says i suppose you are here to give blood again?With her mouth tightly shut the girl shakes her head and says uh uh.

I dont get it. Is she donating sperm?

Skullsri

9/11 two irish carpenters mick nd pat are working in the twin towers hanging doors when the foreman walked by telling mick that door wont fit..2 seconds said pat and ill go get a plane and take a bit off the top..

don ramo

hitler and goebbels walk into a pub a few years after the war,

the bartender asks them what they want,

they order 2 beers

the bartender looking at them baffeled and asked if they were in fact hitler and goebbles,

they both reply that they are in fact hitler and goebbles,

the bartender shocked said, i thought you both died near the end of the war,

they both said no that it was all nonsense made up by the allies,

fair enough the bartender say, so now that the war is over what do ye plan on doing,

hitler says hes gonna continue his mission to kill all the jews and all the eskimos,

ok the barman says, before asking goebbles the same question,

to which he also replies hes gonna kill all the jews and all the eskimos,

the bartender looks at them both baffeled and ask why the eskimos

to which hitler replies, see, i told you no one gives a **** about the jews,

hondasam

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country.
She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her.
The first country boy drops his overalls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other excitedly,
"You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

chughes

Teutorix wrote: »

I dont get it. Is she donating sperm?

If she's a spitter, yes. If she's a swallower, no.

Hootanany

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

frag420

Laika1986 wrote: »

What did the Jewish Paedophile say to the kid in the van?

"Give me back them sweets"

What did the Jewish Pardophile say to the kid??

Do you want to buy a sweet??

--Kaiser--

A man wraps himself up in cling film and walks into a psychiatrist office. The doctor takes one look and says to him "I can clearly see you're nuts. ."

ciarang85

Whats the difference between a apple and a orange?

ya dont get a apple b@stard

revell

aaronjumper wrote: »

A man buys two fish from the pet store.
He names 1 "One" and the other "Two"

That way if "One" dies he will still have "Two"!

Badum-tsch

But if "Two" dies he will only have "One".

sensibleken

Why did the hipster burn his mounth?

Because he ate his dinner before it was cool.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Its an obscure number you wouldnt know it.

Why did the hipster get aids?

Because its a retrovirus

Savage Tyrant

Vagisil

Proud Sponsors of Jedward.

The cream for irritating twats....

Poor Uncle Tom

don ramo wrote: »

see, i told you no one gives a **** about the jews,

How may Germans and Jews will fit into a VW Beetle?

44

Two Germans in the front

Two Germans in the back

Fourty Jews in the ash trays

Dartz

Was driving there the other day, pulled up at a red light.
This ****box of a 1.0 Corsa pulled up alongside
4 skangers inside, 'bagin' toons' on the stereo which cost more than the car did.
Light turns green.
They peel out with a rasp through the fartcannon and a chirp from the tires.
Straight into the path of a speeding artic' truck.
Bits of body and bodywork fly everwhere. ****ers never even had a chance.
I'm left sitting there, thinking, that could've been me.
That could've been me.
So ****it, I'm applying for my truck license tomorrow.

mookishboy

Whats Pink and Rusty ?

Madeline McCann's Bicycle

Happyhunter

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with all kinds of nonsense, like Farther Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy...

But now that I'm older I don't fall for that sh!t anymore, thank God.

cazzzzz

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.


No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," the ugly fat man said. "I'm Cess!"

zimmermania

I never thought a platonic relationship could work until i got married.

rovers2001

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek: