The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Savage Tyrant

I went for an interview for a job in a blacksmiths today.
The blacksmith asked if I had any experience in shoeing horses.
I told him No, but I did once tell a donkey to fûck off!

1mcampo1

I'd tell ye a joke about roof's,

but it would only go over ye're head

Floodric

Wanna hear a joke?


Womens Rights.

Agonist

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A man

Dangerous Man

Agonist wrote: »

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?






A woman

FYP.

theboss80

MayoForSam wrote: »

Driver:"Well, you got one mean looking cockerel in there and he's grabbing all of your chickens by the neck and flinging them out the back."

Redneck:"What?"

Driver:"And even weirder - he keeps yelling "No f*ck, no ride!" at the top of his voice!"

eh wha?

murpho999

Paddy has an interview for a Handyman on a building site in London.

"OK, Can you lay bricks?" asks the foreman.

"No, I can't lay bricks" says Paddy.

"Ok, can you mix cement?"

"No, I can't mix cement"

"Right then, can you fix scaffolding"

"No I can't fix scaffolding"

"Jesus Paddy!", says the foreman angrily, " You can't do anything, what's handy about you?"

"I only live round the corner!" says Paddy.

gimmebroadband

Did ya hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? ....he stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog....

Potential-Monke

Too many replies to go through, but i hope this isn't a repost...

Didn't Michelle Obama look lovely in her cotton dress? She picked it herself... *





*I'm not racist

TheUsual

Two BBC cameramen are out filming wild lions hunting in Africa, when suddenly a huge male lion appears from behind a tree just 100 metres in front of them.
The lion sees the cameramen and roars before he charges them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of runners, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, "What the hell are you doing ? Runners won’t help you outrun a lion !!"

"I don't need to outrun the lion," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

murpho999

Man: "Doctor can you please help me, I'm addicted to Twitter".

Doctor: "Sorry but I don't follow you."

everyday taxi

Why do dogs lick their balls?





































because they can

everyday taxi

An 18 yr old chap gettin a blow.job from a 90 yr old granny, and another one walking a tight-rope across the grand canyon. What are they both thinkin??









































Dont look down!!

Little Mickey

Imogen Thomas is starting her career as a musician. She'll be doing giggs in Manchester.

Rick Deckard

My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

"I find them very interesting," I said.

"Well, who gives a flying fcuk?" She said angrily.

"Dragonflies," I replied.

Capt'n Midnight

everyday taxi wrote: »

Why do dogs lick their balls?





































because they know they'll lick your face five minutes later

fyp

babouska

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doc replied "In over twenty years I have never laughed at a patient because I try to remain professional"

With that Bob drops his trousers revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen, it was no bigger than a AAA battery.

The doc burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm so sorry" said the doc, "I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it wont happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's Swollen" said Bob

babouska

Technically not a joke but too funny

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs..

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling ..

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Lockstep

babouska wrote: »

words

TL: DR

mink_man

2 gold diggers walk into a bar, they ask for a drink.

The barman says "Sorry, I don't serve miners"

up for anything

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

Will I Amnt

everyday taxi wrote: »

Why do dogs lick their balls? because they can

What do you call a dog with no tongue???



Smelly balls

Agonist

up for anything wrote: »

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

LighterGuy

Best joke I've ever heard?

Free speech

want another one?
equality

Ah sure one more,
Fair-Play


:pac:

Scuid Mhór

'I suppose you could say the finishing school was finished with her.'

Spread

Hope this is not a repeat. If so, sorry to the earlier poster.

On the banks of the river Niger in Mali, the Village fete was coming to an end. Plenty of ribald laughter, singing and drumming preceded the final event ........ a poetry contest between the two best hung men. These happened to be a visiting academic and a goatherd.

Only two minutes to come up with a four line rhyme that included the word Timbuktu .......... the state's capital.

Official beat the drum and up swanned the academic:

"Across the burning desert sands
Winds the trail of caravans,
Men on camels - two by two
Destination Timbuktu".

Crowd go wild - dancing, shouting and making sexual gesticulations.
This, they thought, would be hard to beat.

Up on the stage goes the goatherd.
A kind of eerie silence fills the hot air.

"Me an' Tim a wanderin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu".

The latter declared the winner amid much celebrating and apish behaviour.

--Kaiser--

up for anything wrote: »

John Smith is dying and before he gasps his last he makes his wife promise not to sleep with other men after his death.

After a few years Mrs Smith dies and when she gets to the gates of Heaven she asks St Peter does he know where she'd find her husband, John Smith.

St Peter replies that there are thousands of John Smiths in Heaven and could she tell him something about her John Smith that might help identify him.

She tells him that on his deathbed her husband made her promise to not sleep with other men after his death.

St Peter says, Ah... you mean revolving Smith.

Agonist wrote: »

I imagine he's turning in his grave.....because she was riding all around him...

--Kaiser--

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
























Keep the tip

Frank Black

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Too many replies to go through, but i hope this isn't a repost...

Didn't Michelle Obama look lovely in her cotton dress? She picked it herself... *





*I'm not racist

FYP

Johner

An man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your wheelchair down there again!'