The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

policarp

Hitler wanted to be a fair man, give him his due. . .

North_West_Art

Paddy Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman are kidnapped in Iraq.. their captors tell them, "we will give you one fighting chance to get away, so pick your preferred mode of escape"..

Paddy Englishman chose an F1 racing car, made it 2 minutes out of Baghdad and got a puncture on a rock so was thrown back into prison.

Paddy Scotsman opted for a high powered bike, but suffered the same misfortune..

Paddy Irishman asked for a duck and four springs, he promptly attached a spring to each elbow, and one to each knee, the placing the duck under his arm, he flew off into the sunset. 3 hours later he was sitting at the bar in his local back in Ireland...

"How did you do it Paddy?" they asked him..

"easy enough.." he replied.... "four-spring-duck-technique"

Dartz

North_West_Art wrote: »

"easy enough.." he replied.... "four-spring-duck-technique"

I ****ing hate audi drivers sometimes

Skullsri

Female shot putter goes into the doctor "doctor doctor if been taking steroids and have grown a cock" doctor replies "anabolic" "no no just the cock"

epgc3fyqirnbsx

What do you call a kacker who steals your watch?

A Time Traveller!

getz

the brothers at school,asked little patrick,who were the greatest three kings,patrick said; smo-king,drin-king,and bon-king.

policarp

Tommy White Garden wrote: »

What do you call a kacker who steals your watch?

A Time Traveller!

Sh!thead.?

--Kaiser--

This joke won the top prize at the recent Edinburgh Fringe festival

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"

Azureus

A guy is lying in a hospital bed after a bad car accident. He is covered in bumps and bruises, one legs held up in a cast, an oxegen mask on his face to aid his breathing. A nurse walks in and he tentatively lifts up the mask to ask her with a worried tone and laboured breathing ''Nurse,nurse, are my testicles black?'

The nurse looks at him sympathetically and lifts his gown, feeling his testicles to ensure there is no damage done to them as requested. No, she says, they're not black.

The man manages a smile, looking relieved and says ''Ok nurse, that was very nice and all, but what I asked you was Are my test results back??''

hypermuse

Knock Knock...


Who's there..


Not Madeleine McCann

carlybabe1

Galway K9 wrote: »

Why did the knacker get sick on the Bus?

He was a bad traveller!

Mark! wrote: »

What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

You know for sure that your dad is a wanker

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?

A SEATBELT

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

--Kaiser--

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

Highlight the text and all will be revealed

Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

AnonoBoy

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

You have to highlight the spoiler tag to read the text underneath.

In the case of these jokes, I wouldn't bother.

Big Nasty

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

That's the joke! : D

carlybabe1

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Highlight the text and all will be revealed

Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

ahhhh, thank you

Cypher_sounds

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?


Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

admiralofthefleet

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

Fratton Fred

Did you hear about the bed bugs that fell in love?

They got married in the spring..

pappyodaniel

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

This joke won the top prize at the recent Edinburgh Fringe festival

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"

Seriously? :eek:

frag420

carlybabe1 wrote: »

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Highlight the text and all will be revealed

Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

ahhhh, thank you

If your on a phone just tap the highlighted part and it appears......

Snakeblood

The queen is going to visit soldiers back from the Crimea. She meets her first soldiier 'Ah my good man, what happened to you?'

'Acute piles ma'am'.

'Oh my, how tragic. And what is the treatmet for that?'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush, milady'

'Splendid, splendid, and what is your dearest wish?'

'To regain my heath and once more serve queen and country'

She moves to another soldier.

'And what happened to you, my good man'

'Syphilis, milady'

'Oh my, and what is the treatment for that?'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush'

'Good heavens. And what is your dearest wish'

'To once more serve my queen and country'

She meets a third soldier.

'And what ails you my good fellow'

'Laryngitis, milady'

'And what is the treatment for that'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush, milady'

'Heavens, and what is your dearest wish?'

'To get the brush before those other two bastards'.

u_c_thesecond

why didnt the chicken cross the road?

he was langers

tsoparno

pappyodaniel wrote: »

Seriously? :eek:

i think it was one of those, ya had to be there one's:)

cruiser178

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

Thought this was a good joke, so I put it on my facebook status, now everyone is congratulating me and telling me what an achievement it is...WTF :eek::eek:

dilallio

London's first attempt at a sperm donation clinic failed miserably.

The first donor missed the tube, while the second one came on the bus ...

gernon

Murph walks into a pub with his pet monkey.

He orders a pint and while he's drinking, the monkey starts wandering around the bar.

He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced lemons and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The barman screams at Murph, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

Murph says "No, what?"

The barman screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!"

"Ah ****," replied Murph, "the stupid bollix eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a pint and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While Murph is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a €1 coin on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Murph.

"Well, he stuck a €1 coin and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the barman.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Murph.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Princess Bride

A very rich old man is on his deathbed & he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns.
The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "I got $10 for my duck!" His father says, "that is very good let's see how your other brothers do."
The second brother comes home and he says, "I got $15 for my duck." The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."
While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he went into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen , so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a ****." She replied, "Ok."
It was so good,the girl said "I'll give you back your duck for another ****." He agreed and while they were ****ing the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck. The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay $30 for the duck.
When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a **** for a duck ,a duck for a **** & $15 for a ****ed up duck."

TheUsual

What food has been scientifically proven to reduce a woman's sex drive by 90% ?


Wedding cake.

---

Why does a bride smile when she is walking down the aisle at her wedding ?


Because she knows that was the last blowjob she ever had to give.

policarp

msthe80s wrote: »

will be given everything the old man owns.
The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay $30 for the duck.
I got a **** for a duck ,a duck for a **** & $15 for a ****ed up duck."

Why did he lie about the $15 ?

ciarang85

What do a priest and a pint of guinness have in common?

A bad one will tear the @rse of ya

Did u hear about the irish exorcism?

They had to ring the devil to get the priest outa the child

Savage Tyrant

ciarang85 wrote: »

What do a priest and a pint of guinness have in common?

A bad one will tear the @rse of ya

The answer is both have a black coat, a White collar... And god help your arse if you get a bad one.

smash

A midget walks into a bar...

--Kaiser--

smash wrote: »

A midget walks into a bar...

Two bats walk into a bar......you'd think one of them would've heard it

BOHtox

I've written a book on how to deal with rejection...Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my family and friends and then jump in front of a train.

Aglomerado

cruiser178 wrote: »

Thought this was a good joke, so I put it on my facebook status, now everyone is congratulating me and telling me what an achievement it is...WTF :eek::eek:

Jeezus....

Pandora2

Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh"

Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said John, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery!

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," John replied.

She ran out of the room.

pappyodaniel

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?



At Jasons Donervan

RomanGod

How does a Jew make his beer?

Hebrews it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X_Ot0k4XJc

Immaculate Pasta

What did the inflatable headmaster of the inflatable school say to the inflatable pupil?


You've not only let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down.

carfiosaoorl

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?



A wonky

James__10

On a scale of the McCanns to Josef Fritzel, how good are you at keeping your daughter in the house? :pac:

Happyhunter

It's reported today that Elisabeth Fritzl had sex with her father in front of her 3 children.

The dirty bitch.

Sam Vimes

An extract from Elizabeth Fritzl's diary:

MONDAY: Stayed in. Dad came down and f*cked me.

TUESDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

WEDNESDAY: Stayed in. Dad f*cked me.

THURSDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

FRIDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

SATURDAY: Went to watch Liverpool. Should've stayed in

TiGeR KiNgS

hypermuse wrote: »

Knock Knock...


Who's there..


Not Madeleine McCann

Lol, that's classic, never gets old

just like Madeleine McCann

mikehunts

Sam Vimes wrote: »

An extract from Elizabeth Fritzl's diary:

MONDAY: Stayed in. Dad came down and f*cked me.

TUESDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

WEDNESDAY: Stayed in. Dad f*cked me.

THURSDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

FRIDAY: Stayed in. Got f*cked by dad.

SATURDAY: Went to watch Liverpool. Should've stayed in

Did the auld lad give her Sunday off?

Happyhunter

My girlfriend is really keen for me to meet her parents.

I really don't want to though, that Kate McCann looks like a real bitch.

Ledger

mikehunts wrote: »

Did the auld lad give her Sunday off?

sure he's not a heartless bastard!












oh.....wait.....

Happyhunter

Edam is the only cheese made backwards. FACT!!

Cypher_sounds

During the summer I was sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering my penis. Two women walked past and one shouted ''if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady'' she said with a cheeky wink. To which i replied, ''if you weren't such ah ugly fat cunt the hat would lift itself love!

u_c_thesecond

Sam Vimes wrote: »

SATURDAY: Went to watch Liverpool. Should've stayed in

D I S L I K E !!!!