The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

frag420

Jumpy wrote: »

rovers2001 wrote: »

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek:

Seriously man. Screw you. These epilepsy jokes arent funny. Not even a bit.
The amount of times people come out with stupid jokes like "what do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?" "throw your clothes in"
Epilepsy jokes are. Not. Funny.

My best friend died that way.
































He choked on a sock.


BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

Was it not a jumpy he choked on??

Canard

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

omg a kitty

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Savage Tyrant

I never wanted to believe that my Dad had been stealing from his job as a road construction worker.
But when I got home...... All the signs where there...

admiralofthefleet

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

Guill

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

kfallon

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.

Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.

"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off !!"

"That's terrible" said Matthew "but its great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?"

"Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him"
Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew were good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...

"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."





























Simon and Half Uncle"

bijapos

omg a kitty wrote: »

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Reminds me of this :pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Ts3CLcrlE

punk77

The three Paddy's were marooned on a deserted island and after 6 months were on the edge of despair and getting on each others nerves when they found a fancy bottle washed up on the beach. When the bottle was opened, a Genie was released and ,in a deep booming voice, granted the three lads three wishes,one each.

Hardly believing this stroke of good fortune,Paddy English,pushed past the other two and said "I wish I was back in dear old Blighty tucking into a plate of roast beef and Yorkshire pud".With that,Paddy English disappeared.

Paddy Scots stepped forward excitedly and said "I wish I was back in bonny Scotland wearin' ma kilt and rollin' in the heather". Paddy Scots promptly disappeared.

Paddy Irish looked around him and thought for a moment before saying "Jaysus, this place is lonely without the lads. I wish they were back".

bonzodog2

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
- Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
- Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
- Love, Vinnie

mapaco

why was the fly running across the corn flakes box?




cos it said 'tear along the dotted line'

dan1895

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. He finishes it off and asks for the bill. As the waiter returns with the bill the panda pulls out a gun and kills everyone in the restaurant before calmly getting up and walking out the door.

Later, the police who are investigating the incident are watching the CCTV footage of what happened when the detective in charge makes the observation that "its typical panda behaviour"

"What do you mean?" asks one of the officers

The detective says; "He's a panda. He eats shoots and leaves"

Sanity_Saviour

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave... Would you please call our children by their names."

Canard

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

Will I Amnt

Sanity_Saviour wrote: »

Hitler wasn't that much of a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

If you liked that one you will just love patchys joke ^^^^^^

Sanity_Saviour

Patchy~ wrote: »

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

fixed....

foiled again by poor reading...

Cavan man in Garda station: "My house has been burgled."

Guard: "Tell me what happened."

Cavan man: "I drove in my gate, and I could see the front door was smashed in. There was a coat stand and a dresser in the front hall, and they were gone. There was a telly, a stereo and a DVD player in the sitting room, and they were gone."

Guard: "That's terrible. Was anything else taken?"

Cavan man: "No, but do you know what? There was a pot of stew on the stove, and one of the robbers took a ****e in it."

Guard: "Yeucch, that's disgusting!"

Cavan man: "I know. I had to throw half of it out."

Canard

Rolled a joint with a page from the Qu'ran yesterday, wow did I get stoned!

TanG411

I saw the Grim Reaper holding a vacuum cleaner today.

It was Dyson with death!

dexter647

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope,
you're still black':D

What do you call an obese arab?....

Yafat Fuqa

Rocky_Dennis

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the two gays go into a phone box!

to give each other a ring

At which point my (then) five year old nephey pipes up

"but there's only one Phone"

(the reaction's better than the joke)

h3000

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks," he says. "I'm traveling light."

--Kaiser--

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"

The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"

The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"


************************************


A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.

The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!

smash

2 tampons passed each other but didn't say hello because they were both stuck up cnuts!

Lenmeister

Mate told me this a few days ago.

He was in the pub with a bunch of friends a while back. 1 of the lads leans over and asks another lad for a loan of his phone. So he takes the phone and dials a number.

"Hello, that 11850? Yeah giz the number for 11811"

They were in stitches apparently, I would have been too. Those few seconds probably cost €1 aswell!

billybudd

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

Jumpy

billybudd wrote: »

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

http://www.rowsdowr.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Bert_snaps.gif

dexter647

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife.. " Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"... Wife says " cause even your cock thinks your a cnut":D:D

punk77

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

getz

just got my self a dog,he is brown and black with a couple of white spots,so i called him birmingham

Cypher_sounds

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Pandora2

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies,
"Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,

Why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

Pandora2

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these20 years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts .'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..'

Pandora2

Jimmy died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Johno and Pado. The three men had always done everything together.

Johno arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Johno said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The undertaker rolled him over and Johno said, 'Nope, ain't Jimmy '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Pado in to confirm the identity of the body.
Pado looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'

The undertaker rolled him over and Pado said, 'No, it ain't Jimmy '
The undertaker asked, 'How can you tell?' Pado said, 'Well, Jimmy had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the undertaker,
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Jimmy with them two arseholes.'

Pandora2

‎2 friends marry at the same time. The 1st man tells his wife she's to cook & clean. Next day he sees his house is clean and his dinner's on the table.

The 2nd man marries an Irish girl & he orders her to do the same. The 1st day he doesn't see anything, the 2nd day he doesn't see anything either but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling has gone down and he can see just enough out of his left eye that he can fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher! :D:D

punk77

Four nuns arrive at the Gates of Heaven together. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”

The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

RoryMac

I fainted in the curry house when i heard REM had split up..








That's me in the korma!

CorsetIsTight

One rainy day, three ducks walk into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"Ah, like Donald Duck's nephew. How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Just my kind of weather. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"You're kidding - like the second of Donald Duck's nephews...? That's funny. So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Like my friend said, it's the perfect day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, don't tell me...your name must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

xxtattyberxx

Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March.....

Guill

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

backinexile

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen"

punk77

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. I'll make him regret saying that.

smash

Why do deaf girls masturbate with one hand.... so they can moan with the other!

punk77

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest,speaking,and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

Pandora2

punk77 wrote: »

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest,speaking,and there is no woman around to hear him... Is he still wrong?

Yup!!!!

jkbrackens11

Man applies for a job with the Gardai. The Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun , go and shoot 6 knackers and a rabbit".
Fella asks "Why the rabbit?".
Inspector replies "fantastic attitude. See you on Monday"

Johro

Minnie and Mickey Mouse are in court, Judge says to Mickey:
'But isn't it a fact Mr. Mouse, that you are seeking a divorce from Mrs. Mouse solely on the grounds of Mrs. Mouse having 'funny teeth'?'
' NO!!' shouts Mickey, 'For the last time!
I never said she had funny teeth! I said she was F**KING GOOFY!

barone

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER.
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——


Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.


So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem..