The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Pandora2

Paddy went to his solicitor and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't exactly know how to go about it." The solicitor smiled at Paddy and said "Not a problem, leave it to me." Paddy said "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion but, I would like to leave some to my family too!"

Two solicitors arrive at the pub and order two pints. When the pints arrive the each open their briefcase and take out sandwiches and began to eat. The Barman somewhat annoyed says "Excuse me but you can't eat your own food in here!" The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

Temptamperu

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.

UnknownSpecies

What bee produces milk?

The boobee

SteelyDanJalapeno

Pandora2 wrote: »

Paddy went to his solicitor and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't exactly know how to go about it." The solicitor smiled at Paddy and said "Not a problem, leave it to me." Paddy said "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion but, I would like to leave some to my family too!"

Two solicitors arrive at the pub and order two pints. When the pints arrive the each open their briefcase and take out sandwiches and began to eat. The Barman somewhat annoyed says "Excuse me but you can't eat your own food in here!" The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

Shocking

Curly Judge

I used to think I was a wonderful lover.
Then I discovered that my girlfriend had asthma!

sensibleken

what time does Sean Connery go to wimbledon?

Tennish.

Ghandee

What's the difference in a Fridge and a Fanny?

A fridge doesn't Fart when you take the meat out of it.

Pandora2

Mother is invited to her sons Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a male roommate,. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Anthony's roommate, David is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. About a week later, David came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony. Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mum which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with David and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with him. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his OWN bed, he would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama.

---

Curly Judge

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

Curly Judge

Curly Judge wrote: »

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

because he was feeling bashful.
now they're feeling grumpy.

uberalles

Curly Judge wrote: »

Did you hear about the Seven Dwarfs?
They all got into the one bath.
And they all felt happy.
So Happy got out.

Statistically 6 out of the seven dwarfs are not happy.

Cypher_sounds

I once entered 10 puns in a competition thinking at least one of the 10 would win something...


Unfortunately no pun in ten did..

RichieC

Why did the monkey cross the road?

Because humans are awful.

(btw best joke you ever heard is a bit extreme, thread should be called joke you heard recently that made you laugh)

Temptamperu

RichieC wrote: »

Why did the monkey cross the road?

Because humans are awful.

(btw best joke you ever heard is a bit extreme, thread should be called joke you heard recently that made you laugh)

But are there not humans over the otherside too

Skullsri

<< SNIP>>

MOD

Skullsri, I have snipped your disgusting *joke.

uberalles

uberalles wrote: »

Statistically 6 out of the seven dwarfs are not happy.

I was told that I had to create an eight character password for my computer account, so I chose "snow white and the seven dwarfs".

RichieC

A Young Republican, a tea party member, and a union worker are all sitting at a table when a plate with a dozen cookies arrives. Before anyone else can make a move, the Young Republican reaches out to rake in eleven of the cookies. When the other two look at him in surprise, the Young Republican locks eyes with the tea party member. “You better watch him,” the Young Republican says with a nod toward the union worker. “He wants a piece of your cookie.”

Ghost Buster

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irish man?



















None

ynul31f47k6b59

Biggest joke in the world: The fourteen, yes, FOURTEEN minutes I spent reading that monstrosity on page 107. OP, If you were near me, I'd smack you!

HalloweenJack

Two friends go hunting in the forest. While they're out, one of them has a heart attack and collapses unconscious. His friend rings 999 and says: "I think my friend has died. What do I do?"

The person on the other end says: "Ok, first make sure he is dead."

There's a moment of silence, followed by a gunshot, then the friend comes back and says: "Ok, now what?"

punk77

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. He's come in here every day for the past year and always makes the same choice. Watch this."
The barber puts a 5 euro note in one hand and a 2 euro coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the 2 euro coin and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber,laughing. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming down the street.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 2 euro coin instead of the 5 euro note?”
The boy smiled and replied, “Because the day I take the 5 euro note, the game is over!”

Galway K9

BOHtox wrote: »

<snip>

What this one?

punk77

Did you really have to quote this???? It was bad enough seeing it once!

D_murph

punk77 wrote: »

Did you really have to quote this???? It was bad enough seeing it once!

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

BOHtox

D_murph wrote: »

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

I'm pretty sure a mod said that when I first posted it and the first couple of people quoted it.
It's actually in the first post, it does say so in the thread title. See ya Galway K9

loremolis

D_murph wrote: »

X2^.

Next person to quote that should be banned :mad: :pac:.

Next person to quote what?

punk77

loremolis wrote: »

Next person to quote what?

To quote post # 1604 on page 107. Okay. End of......
Can we get back on thread with the jokes now????

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?

A:They should both be changed regularly,and for the same reason.

Bobby Baccala

How many blonds does it take to change a nappy?

ask hugh hefner

Bobby Baccala

I was chatting to an older woman last night.

I said, "You look like you could use a knight in shining armour."

"Ooh," she quivered, "am I a damsel in distress that you've come to rescue?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "you need to be slain, you Fúcking dragon."

Bobby Baccala

I only ever took magic mushrooms once.

I went to pick some for a second time, but there were too many Smurfs guarding them.

Skullsri

<<SNIP>>

MOD

Distastful joke removed.

Skullsri, no more peado jokes!

punk77

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Dartz

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

oh dear jesus

To !report or not to !report, that is the question. For t'is nobler to be taught the tattle-tale than to allow such scumbaggery to go unpunished?

Bobby Baccala

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

Mister-M5

My girlfriend came home from work today very upset and asked me to console her.

So i hit her over the head with the xbox

Hal Emmerich

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

the freak.

Bobby Baccala

ah yeah
i see

Dartz

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

you talkin bou reportin me or the freak with the pedo jokes

Paedo-joker. Let's sick this on him. Prepare the ******s!

Skullsri

P4ddy2k11 did your mam ever tell you not to be calling the other kids in school names (freak) ha..lads its a bloody joke maby a bad one at that but i just had to tell it..

Mister-M5

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman all bought tickets to the Olympics. So a week before the games they go over to familiarise themselves with the place.

They end up drinking for the week and run out of money. In a drunken state they each sell their tickets to fund a few more pints.

The morning of the games, the 3 of them are sitting on the steps outside the stadium disappointed with themselves having sold their tickets.

Paddy Englishman stands up and says "Lads I'm getting into these games one way or another having come all the way out here". He walks out into the middle of the road and picks up a manhole cover. He then walks up to the security man at the gate and says "George Cromwell, England, Discus". "Best of luck Mr Cromwell, in you go" says the security man and lets him in.

Paddy Scotsman, seeing this, walks into a building site opposite the stadium and comes back out 2 minutes later with a long pole over his shoulder. Walks up to the same security guard anyway "Robert McWallace, Scotland, Javelin". " "In you go Mr McWallace, best of luck in the javelin" replies the security man and lets him by.

Paddy Irishman decided he's not being left outside on his own so he walks into the same building site and after 10 minutes of intense searching he emerges with a length of barbed wire around his shoulder, walks up to the security man and says "Sean McDermott, Ireland, Fencing!"

Sharpshooter

Skullsri wrote: »

P4ddy2k11 did your mam ever tell you not to be calling the other kids in school names (freak) ha..lads its a bloody joke maby a bad one at that but i just had to tell it..

Skullsri, it was two disgusting peado *jokes as you see them, nothing funny about them.

Do not post in this thread again, I don't care if your next joke is about Mary Poppins, walk away!

Goodbye Granddad
Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
he never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
we found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
a startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
the doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
the Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
no-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
when Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
and they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
so they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
they drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
and I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
so I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
but I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
the dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
until he heard the splash!!
Interesting Aussie slang....
Crook = ill
Redbacks = spider
Dunny = toilet

hairy sailor

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever lying there.



'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh#t.

Bobby Baccala

I have attention deficit disorder.
I get distracted easily because my Head... shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes!

Pandora2

An elderly man walking slowly on a deserted street is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"The man replies, "That would be my wife."

foxyboxer

Tiger Woods is driving around the west coast playing some golf.
He drives towards Ballybunion links and pulls in to fill up his tank.

He calls over the attendant and asks him to fill up the tank.
After the tank is full Tiger put's his hand in his pocket to pay the man.
As he does so two golf tees falls out of his pocket.

The curious attendant asks "By God, what are they for?"

Woods replies "Oh, I put my balls on those when I drive off"

"Jaysus, them fellas at BMW think of everything!!!"

barone

Wife finds her husband up alone at night. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye. "What's the matter?"

Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"

The wife touched at his caring says "Yes, I do.

"You remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car and shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

. I remember" she replies softly.






















He cries "I would have gotten out today.

leggit

I seen a nun riding around on a clown the other day
It was virgin on ridiculous...

Seen a hoover driving down the wrong side of the road,
it was dyson with death.
Seen a steak going down the wrong side of the road a few minutes later,
now that's rare.

punk77

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Nodster

1st Son: "dad I need to tell you I'm gay"2nd son: "dad I'm gay too"Dad: " bloody hell does no one in this family like pussy? "Daughter: "I do"