The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Balfie

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a car accident. He helps himself to some raisins from a bowl, just as his wife comes in.

"Oh babe you're awake! I was so worried!" she exclaimed.

"I'm fine, love" he says. "Why didn't you get me grapes? You know I like grapes."

"I did" she says, "you've been in a coma for a year."

punk77

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on his ass by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."

PeterIanStaker

So I'm guessing that Amanda Knox's family reunion meal won't be to go out for an Italian?

PeterIanStaker

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

So I'm guessing that Amanda Knox's family reunion meal won't be to go out for an Italian?

That joke's well pasta it's best.

billymitchell

leggit wrote: »

I seen a nun riding around on a clown the other day
It was virgin on ridiculous...

Seen a hoover driving down the wrong side of the road,
it was dyson with death.
Seen a steak going down the wrong side of the road a few minutes later,
now that's rare.

Jimmy Carr??

leggit

I know a load of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work

Galway K9

leggit wrote: »

I know a load of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work

Ba-dum dum-tish!

Bobby Baccala

It's easy to tell that the economy is in ruins when a even a company as big as Apple is losing Jobs.:D:D:D:D



Too early?

unitedrover

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

It's easy to tell that the economy is in ruins when a even a company as big as Apple is losing Jobs.:D:D:D:D



Too early?

Yes. Too early:eek:

niallo27

Theres plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, im stuck here just holding my rod.

HalloweenJack

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

Now, we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs.

sebastianlieken

They say you're life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunatly, this didn't happen to Steve Jobs as he didn't have flash player.

Galway K9

On Friday, Bob comes home from his fishing trip with the guys. His wife, having stayed home all week watching the kids, says, "Bob, your boss called yesterday and said that you were fired."

"Well, screw that son of a bitch!" says Bob.

His wife then says, "I did. You go back on Monday."

Rocky_Dennis

Just been to the gym, they got a new machine in. Started to feel sick after using it for half an hour, it was great though, it does everything, kit kats, moros, mars bars snickers, crisps, the lot......

barone

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the **** out of you.
















just joined the AA: Anonymous Alcoholics. They meet down the pub, buy each other drinks but don't tell anyone their names. Love it

jamiecoins

a few oldies

what happenned the magic tractor?
it turned into a field

a man is having trouble with his computer getting on to a website he rings his broadband provider the customer service rep asks have you disabled your cookies ~? man says no but i bit the legs of a ginger bread man before

Tauriel

A black baby is given a pair of wings by God.

He asks "God, does this mean I'm an angel?"

God laughs "Of course not you silly black f**ker...you're a fly!":eek:

WatchWolf

Womens rights.

Bobby Baccala

unitedrover wrote: »

Yes. Too early:eek:

Too early for steve jobs jokes?

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

sean1141

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

Too early for steve jobs jokes?

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

:Dbrilliant:D

si_guru

P4DDY2K11 wrote: »

iDisagree

:D:D:D:D

A non-PC joke. (think about it).

SteelyDanJalapeno

Thats very un-pc

paulosham

This is my favourite, Bob Einstein's delivery is perfect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3o5m_mXadoU

Temptamperu

A friend of mine loves Tina Turner, cant get enough of her for some reason. Turns out shes doing a small gig in the Olympia in Dublin, very small private gig. Tickets of course are sold out when he gets to the box office. He is heart broken never seen him so bad. So he gets 24 cans of Dutch Gold and heads home.
When he gets home he turns on the radio theres a few tunes and then the DJ anounces theres a compition in which you can get a backstage ticket with special privilages and a town car to bring to the gig. Turns out hes the tenth caller and wins the ticket.
Delighted with himself he drinks his cans of Dutch and passes out.
The Big day arrives and my friend has his pulling shirt on his hair looks spanky and hes as excited as a dog whos owner just came in from work. The gig is amazing to him at least, Tina does all her hits, Private Dancer, River deep mountain high, Simply the Best, we dont need another hero all of them she blasts them out too me mate its the best night of his life and he has a back stage pass, so in he heads after the gig.
As hes walking down a corridor who should he bump into but the great lady herself, hes shíting himself, But Tina is impressed by the young man and takes him by the arm to her private room. They have champagne and grapes and strawberrys dipped in chocolate and talk all night they get on like a house on fire. After a while Tina asks him does he want to go to her hotel, me mates in love his dreams are comming true and he accepts the offer.
as soon as they get in he room she jumps him kissing him groping him, they have sex everywhere on the bed, the floor, the shower, the couch everywhere they did every position imaginal. and after five hours of making love the both of them are wreked. They collapse into the four poster bed and Tina is falling gently asleep when me mate nudges her.
"Tina" He says "could you do me a favour" she turns around and looks in his eyes and says "after this night of passino i'll do anything" So he says ould you mind holding me cóck with both your hands" Confused tina agrees and they fall asleep, Me mate as happy as a pig in shíte tina holding his cock.
The next morning Tina orders room service for breakfast they have two big dirty fry ups. Tina suddenly asks me mate "honey why did you ask me to hold onto your cóck while we slept?
And he says "Ah its nothin, just the last black girl i slept with stole me wallet"

barone

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties."


"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

barone

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

jamiecoins

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]
[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]fellas wife if pregnant she starts to get pains he phones the [/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]doctor an[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d says my wife maybe having contractions
the [/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]doctor replies is this her first chil[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d???
fella says no ya i[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]diot im her husban[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d

its so stupi[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica]d its funny:D[/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica][/FONT][FONT=times new roman,helvetica][/FONT]

Curly Judge

"I say, I say, have you seen much of Veronica lately?"
"Practically all of her. Lovely girl!"

4leto

The world's funniest jokes apparently



The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1950 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" [3]


The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


While this was the top joke in the UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

admiralofthefleet

My son just told me, "Dad, I'm gay". I said to my other son, "Well at least you're straight". "Actually," he said, "I'm gay as well dad". I said, "Fuck me, does no one in this family like pussy?!""I do," said my daughter

barone

In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12%liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet

admiralofthefleet

Ive just seen Gary Glitter and Michael Le Vell in the toilets at my local Pizza Hut,

They seemed to be getting stuck into a small vegetarian

punk77

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and,threatening them with a knife, demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that 50 euro I owe you," he says.

Nodster

Man goes to doctors havin problems with premature ejaculation. He's told 'when you feel yourself cuming give urself a fright by firing a starter pistol in air to prolong the sex'. Two days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. He says not good. We were in a 69 and I felt myself start to cum, so I fired the gun. My wife crapped in my face, bit the end off my dick & the milkman came out the wardrobe with his hands up !!

jamiecoins

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Pandora2

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.I woke this morning with a huge correction.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird Who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what wouldyou like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, So I've named him Birmingham .

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

donalg1

i am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, i dont know y.

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

what do you get hanging from apple trees.

sore arms

admiralofthefleet

My Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers today, I really hope it doesn't run in the family because my Mum has it too.

jamiecoins

The minister of health visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
he is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On his way, he hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
he goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
he asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the minister said, and moved on, but on the way he hears more orgasmic groans.
he looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.he asks his escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
His nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"

Morlar

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!



Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!


Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.


I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!


Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!


The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.


I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.well.I just plain screamed.


Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street.on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.



With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.

Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine…


I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.


I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.

As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death…I'll
take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

barryoc1

What have Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist got in common. Same middle name!

I got fired from work today. Think it was because of the text i sent my boss. I asked him whats the difference between this morning and his daughter. He said what, to which i replied: I am not cuming in this morning!

--Kaiser--

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

cruiser178

God damn it I demand to know what the sound was :mad::mad: *shakes fist

Potential-Monke

Good News! I found my fathers wedding ring.
Bad news... I found it while fingering my sister...


F - Face - Has the face fallen on one side?
A - Arms - Can they lift both arms up and hold them there?
S - Speech - Is their speech slurred?
T - Time - Time to act, the rohypnol has kicked in...


"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"
"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"
"But I don't have a..."

sensibleken

A horse walks into a bar. the barman says 'why the long face?' and the horse replies 'because I'm Nicholas Cage'

also works with gay mitchell

Paddy Samurai

Guy walks out of the supermarket with a chicken under his arm.

Security guard runs over and shouts at him
"Oi! ……You , what you doing with that chicken?.”

Man says…









Wait for it……………………..









Man says………peas ,stuffing ,gravy and some roast potatoes.:D

FionnRua

So Miss Murphy was taking the senior infants class.
Today class I have a special quiz for you. I have a prize for the first student who can say the following sentence without using the letter "R"
The sentence is "Richard and Robert rode a rabbit"

After some time and lots of "ichad" and "obet" and "ode" and "abbit"
she arrived at young Johhny who, with a big smile on his face says


Dick and Bob ****ed a bunny

4leto

Why do hedgehogs hog the hedges.

4leto

4leto wrote: »

Why do hedgehogs hog the hedges.

Because they have a hedge fund.

McChubbin

Steve Jobs got to Heaven's gate and was greeted by God, who was flanked by Moses.
"Hello Steve, this is Moses. Moses, this is Steve. He's here to update your tablets!"