The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hal Emmerich

Paddy is walking through a Field and sees a Man drinking Water from a pool with his Hand.

Paddy shouts "na Ol an t-uisce, ta se lan chac bo" (don't drink the water, it's full of Cow sh*t).

"I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you" says the Man.

Paddy shouts back "use both Hands, You'll get more in that way"

groovie

That's the same Paddy that went looking for working in England one time. The day he landed there he went to the only place that he knew of, a pub in Willesden.
He's sitting at the bar, feeling a little sorry for himself and telling the barman how he has no place to stay etc when this guy walks up to him and says "you can crash at my place if you want".
Paddy takes him up on the offer, let's face it, if he didn't we wouldn't get to the 'funny bit'.
Later that evening Paddy is sitting on the bed in his pj's when in walks the other fella wearing a school uniform and says to Paddy:
"Paddy, I've been a naughty boy, I've forgotten to do my homework, will you punish me?".

Cut to the following day and Paddy is back at the bar with his suitcase.
"How did you get on with that fella" says the barman.
"I'll tell you one thing, says Paddy, he won't forget to do his homework again in a hurry".

Hal Emmerich

A group of primary school children go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about races. When it's time to take the children to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal.

Having no choice , she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one holding their willies to direct the flow.

As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says...

"You must be in year four"
"No Love" he replies.
"I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15.

loremolis

groovie wrote: »

That's the same Paddy that went looking for working in England one time. The day he landed there he went to the only place that he knew of, a pub in Willesden.
He's sitting at the bar, feeling a little sorry for himself and telling the barman how he has no place to stay etc when this guy walks up to him and says "you can crash at my place if you want".
Paddy takes him up on the offer, let's face it, if he didn't we wouldn't get to the 'funny bit'.
Later that evening Paddy is sitting on the bed in his pj's when in walks the other fella wearing a school uniform and says to Paddy:
"Paddy, I've been a naughty boy, I've forgotten to do my homework, will you punish me?".

Cut to the following day and Paddy is back at the bar with his suitcase.
"How did you get on with that fella" says the barman.
"I'll tell you one thing, says Paddy, he won't forget to do his homework again in a hurry".

That Paddy fella is always getting into trouble, especially when he meets English people.

Rylan

I hate dead people. Like seriously. Get a life!

policarp

A man is walking along the footpath dragging a cabbage on a piece of string behind him. Someone asks him where he is going with the cabbage.
"That's no cabbage," he replies, "it's a collie."

RikkFlair

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

billymitchell

RikkFlair wrote: »

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

Cill Dara Abu

Did you hear about the man that lived in a tyre?

He got a puncture!

Lives in a flat now.

Rocky_Dennis

RikkFlair wrote: »

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

You're going straight to hell:P

dermiek

RikkFlair wrote: »

The inspector was visiting the school and was talking to three little girls at the bottom of the class. He says to the first girl "And what would your name be?"

The girl replies "Daisy. When my mammy was pregnant with me, a daisy blew in the window and landed on her belly, so they called me Daisy"

"Oh how lovely" said the inspector "and how about you?" he asked the 2nd girl.

"My name is Buttercup" she said "When my mammy was pregnant with me, a buttercup blew in the window and landed on her belly"

"Ah how sweet" said the inspector, moving onto the 3rd girl. "And what is your name young lady?"

The girl, twitching and drooling answered "Concrete block".

Don't you just love boards.ie.
I'll be in hell too, for laughing.

Temptamperu

Sure hell is full of sex drugs and rock and roll, who would want to go to heaven with all those bible basers anyway

Dohnny Jepp

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

Now, we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs.

Thank god george bush is still alive

aligator_am

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse.


2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

KaiserMc

Paddy says to his mate "Look at that flock of cows", his mate says "Herd of cows you daft twat!" Paddy says "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there!"

kfallon

Rumours flying around that Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife.

Apparently she is spending twice as much on Shoes as his last wife did...

Jumpy

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Ten years ago, we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.

Now, we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs.

Live Kevin Bacon! LIIIIIIIVE!

--Kaiser--

Two dyslexics are at a petrol station. One turns to the other and says, 'Can you smell petrol?' The other one says 'Smell petrol? I can't even smell my own name!'

groovie

Paddy moved to the States and made the final interview for the Navy Seals.

They handed him a gun and told him to go into a room and kill a nun that was sitting there.

After a quiet minute, they heard an almighty commotion, which lasted for some time before the room became quiet again.

Paddy emerged, sweating.
"What happened, Paddy", the interviewer asked.

"The gun had blanks in it, so I bate her to death with the chair".

foxyboxer

cruiser178 wrote: »

God damn it I demand to know what the sound was :mad::mad: *shakes fist

There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

I'm a monk, now tell me the secret.

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

Danbo! wrote: »

Why are people using spoilers? It's not as if I'm gonna read the joke and save the punchline til

later.

fixed that

frash

Two fat blokes sitting at a bar.
One turns to the other & says "your round"
To which he replies...
"so are you ya fat ba$tard"

tayto lover

Temptamperu wrote: »

Sure hell is full of sex drugs and rock and roll, who would want to go to heaven with all those bible basers anyway

But hell can be very cold during Winter. You can't get near the fire with priests in the way.

--Kaiser--

A rather portly Greek gentleman walks into a clothes shop. He sees a pair of pants and decides to try them on. They are perhaps a size small for his large frame and he is struggling to pull them up. A sales person sees this and comes up to him
"Good morning sir, what is your name?" the salesman inquires
"Euripides" the gentleman replies
"Well Euripides pants, you buya dese pants!" the salesman informs him

groovie

While Paddy was in the States he landed a job in a sports shop, he started on a Monday and things were very quiet.
After a couple of hours a man entered the store, Paddy, containing his excitement, give him a little time before approaching him.

"Good morning Sir" said Paddy, smiling his biggest and brightest smile.

"Hello there, I'm interested in purchasing a baseball bat".

"Indeed Sir", says Paddy, "is it for a wedding or a funeral".

Faing

Fella stood in the jacks havin' a piss and he glances across at the lad in the next stall who is stood there holding the biggest dick the fella has ever seen, must be all of 13" long and thick as a babies arm holding an apple. "Hope you don't mind me saying there boss, but thats a feckin' beauty isn't it! you must be so popular with the girls with that weapon"
"Ah" says the fella "Tis a curse, I haven't had me leg over for years, every time I show it to a lass she runs away screamin' they are all scared of it."
"you never tried a professional? ye know, a prostitute or summat?"
"Even they run away from it, I tell ye, its a curse" says the lad.
"Why don't ye get yerself a prostitute and sneak up from behind so she doesn't see it till ye get stuck in?" says the fella.
THats a good idea thinks the lad and heads off down the Dock road to get himself sorted. He manages to pick up a lady of the night and heads home with her.
He asks her "Do you mind goin' in the bedroom first, gettin' undressed and waitin' for me?"
"Your money, your time" says the lass
"Right, do ye mind hoppin up on the bed, doggie style?"
"Your money, your time" she says
"Right so, I'm nearly ready, do ye mind putting the light out?"
Your money ,your time"she says
"Ready then, Here we go now"
Lass says "I don't think yer a weirdo or anything but why did ye ask me to come in the bedroom first, then hop up on the bed doggie style and then turn the light out, ARE YOU A BIT KINKY OR SOMETHING?"
"No, says the fella, I AM AN AETHEIST"
Lass says "AN aetheist? I thought that was someone who didn't beleive in......
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#

#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#

JEEESUS CHRRRRIISSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT.......

hidinginthebush

I hate when I'm sitting down watching to lesbians fiddle with eachother on youporn then some lad walks in with his cock in his hand....

"DAD! GET OUT OF THE HERE!!!!!"

Daroxtar

Paddy is on holidays in the US. He stops in to a bar to have a pint. While drinking his pint he spots a native american indian with a full feather headdress, tomohawk, warpaint, the lot sittin at the other end of the bar. He calls the bar man over and says "Hey, whats the story with yer man?"
The barman replies "Oh thats the Memoryman"
Paddy says "How do ya mean Memoryman?"
The barman says "Well you know , like the Rainman or the Medicine man, well he's the Memoryman he remembers everything he ever saw or heard. He's quite amazing actually"
"Jaysus" says Paddy "Would he mind if I asked him a question?"
"Not at all, he loves it" says the barman
So Paddy saunters over and sticks out his hand "Hello" he says
The Memoryman turns, raises one hand and in a deep indian voice greets him "How"
Paddy says to him "They say you're the memoryman"
Memoryman says "That is so. Speak"
"Well" says Paddy trying to think of some thing that the memoryman wouldn't have a clue about "Who won the 1965 FA cup? "
Without blinking the Memoryman replies "Liverpool"
"Fukin hell" says Paddy "...Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" comes the instant reply
"What was the score?" says Paddy
"2-1 after extra time" comes the response
"Who got the winner?"
"Ian st.John" says the Memoryman and with that Paddy shakes his hand astounded by the feat. He buys Memoryman a pint and leaves.
About 5 years pass and Paddy is on holidays in the States again. He stops into the same bar and spots the Memoryman so he calls the barman over and says "Thats the Memoryman isnt it? Give him a pint of whatever he's having"
The barman gives the Memoryman his drink and he turns and nods graciously at Paddy.
Paddy smiles and in keeping with indian tradition raises one hand and greets the Memoryman "How"
The Memoryman looks carefully at Paddy and says "Diving header, Edge of the 6 yard box"

Mister-M5

Did you hear about the terrible security around the new convent in town?

No 'fence, Nun taken

Faing

I've just done a turd that was that big it touched the water before breaking off.

That's pretty impressive from the middle diving board.

podgemonster

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb.





1

Sgt. Bilko 09

Did you hear about swingers getting it on outside...

its intents

krustydoyle

I went to the barbers and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. The barber gave me a cushion to sit on

I walked into a shop to find the two young, female assistants flicking their beans. I ****ing love Starbucks

I hate having to walk through parks alone at night. Makes me wonder why I became a rapist in the first place.

My job is to crush soft drink cans. It's soda pressing

Remember muslim ladies, the kitchen is only a stones throw away

I'm an ohmosexual. I can only get it up if there's resistance.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. It took me that long to save up for a van.

senorwipesalot

Ed Zachery Disease

A woman was very distraught that she had not had a date for over five years. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well, known Chinese therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the women did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' As she did Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf it or dates.'

The woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachery disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachery disease is when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse.

Capt'n Midnight

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Rocky_Dennis

Can't wait for the world cup semi tomorrow, the last time I was this worried about a semi was watching broke back mountain

Hal Emmerich

Man and Wife are out shopping together, Wife see some Shoes she wants but her Husband says "NO WAY! They're way too expensive."

Later that night in Bed he lays a Hand on his Wifes Pussy, She says, "I don't fuking think so Mate! If you can't afford to Shoe the Horse, then you ain't fuking riding her".

10green bottles

I went to the butchers and said I bet you can't reach that meat on top shelf........he said steaks are too high...........,,,boom boom.........I'll get my coat

3rdDegree

What's the similarity between a northside girl and a bowling ball?

They both take three fingers and you fcuk them up and alley.

3rdDegree

Guy was out for a few beers and was just paying a visit to the men's room before he went home. In the toilet he found what appeared to be a very drunk man slumped on the floor. He thought, I can't leave this fellow like this, so he picks him up and props him against the wall. But the poor drunk just slides down the wall into a drunken heap. He repeats this a number of times with same result.

So our friend decides, no way can I leave this poor guy like this. I need to take him home. So, he finds the unconscious fellow's wallet and sees that he lives very close. He hefts him up and tries to walk him out the door. But this guy is drunker than our good Samaritan has ever seen anyone. The guy can't stand, let alone walk.

Our do-gooder friend is forced to drag the man out of the bar and down the street to his house. Eventually, he gets to the guy's front door. He attempts to prop the drunk against the wall with the intention of ringing the doorbell and then running off. But the drunk just slides down the wall into a heap on the ground. There's nothing for it, he can't just leave the guy like this. Holding him up as best he can, he rings the doorbell. Eventually, a woman answers. She is obviously disgusted with what she sees. Even more so when our friend looses his grip on his charge's coat and the poor drunk guy slides down to the doorstep in an unconscious heap.

"I'm very sorry to bring him home to you in this state, Ma'am", he says.
"Never mind the state of him", she says, "where the fcuk is his wheelchair?"

Curly Judge

Virginia was her name.
They called her Virgin for short.
But not for long!

ringadingding

I gave my wife a massive orgasm last night.


The ungrateful bitch spat it back out

admiralofthefleet

3rdDegree wrote: »

What's the similarity between a northside girl and a bowling ball?

They both take three fingers and you fcuk them up and alley.

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?

she drops her accent

JessicaRabbit

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

JessicaRabbit

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch".

niallo27

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, i think she is a keeper."

"Awww dad thanks, what make you say that."

"She smells of elephant ****."

niallo27

It's being proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed.

My dogs full of usefull information like that.

admiralofthefleet

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

policarp

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

'cause she has big milk jugs.

Ronin247

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?

she drops her accent

how do you know when a northside girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her chips