The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Lia_lia

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He reckons because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her & says the Delta Airlines motto:“We love to fly and it shows”. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “Winning the hearts of the world”. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: “Going beyond expectations”. The woman looks at him sternly and says: “What the f*** do you want?” “Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair".

barone

My dog ate a condom last night.

Try explaining that to the vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse.

RebelSniper

A Polish man was arrested on suspicion of theft one night.

He was sitting there asking why he was arrested in the first place.

The officer said "Well you stole something"

The polish man just replied "I'm just a normal person, with a family and a job"

Ah you have a job, that explains it all.

Witchie

Some of my friends saw an old fella racing away from town today on his tractor, saying the world was going to end

They said it was Farmer Gedden.

Pdfile

did ya hear about the snails who got into a fight... they slugged it out ( till the 9th round and i won with thanks to a right hook from table salt... )

giles lynchwood

A bus load Nuns killed in a crash were standing at the gates of heaven.St Peter came out and said "i have a question to ask before ye can enter,has anyone here ever touched a mans penis",after a while a little nun at the front says"i put my finger on one once".St Peter replied,"ok go over and wash your finger in that holy water and go in"."Anyone else"Peter asked,another nun replied"i pulled one once",again Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water and go in to heaven.With that a nun at the back pushed her way to the front and shouts to peter "if i have to garggle that holy water,I want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it".







Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp,he opened a warehouse

kfallon

Two prostitutes on a street corner chatting away.

One says to the other..."you ever been picked up by the fuzz"?

She responds, "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times".

kfallon

I met a woman the other day. Told me she was an lesbian and an asthmatic. She could only catch her breath in snatches.

kfallon

My sister brought her 9 week old daughter round to visit recently, and after feeding her, handed her to me and asked if I wanted to wind her. I thought, 'that's a bit rough'...so I only gave her a dead-leg instead.

beertons

Marching season.

Spread

An English medic is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.


The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

DublinWriter

Guy at a party stops another guy from taking an open can from a table and says
"Sorry mate, I was using that as an ashtray"
Second guy says "tough".

giles lynchwood

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Dublin_Gunner

giles lynchwood wrote: »

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Jokes are meant to be funny.

Dancor

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to chop a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And chop wood in the dark?"

BigDuffman

The dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.... :P

barone

Little boy crying in tescos. Man says " are u lost"? boy says "yes" man says "whats your mummy like"? boy says "big cocks and Bacardi breezers



Got a phone call last night. Some fella saying it was long distance from Australia. I told him I already knew that


Was in the ladies toilets and saw a condom machine 'approved by the British standards'. Someone wrote under it, 'so was the Titanic.


Old lady goes to a dentist; sits down, drops panties, and lifts legs. He says, "I'm not a gynecologist!" She says, "I know, I need my husband's teeth back!"

Doublechinlolz

Mushroom goes into a bar.. Barman says sorry we dont serve your type here..
Mushroom replies, Why not? I'm a fungi :cool:

Doublechinlolz

Why is there no Asprin in the jungle?
The parrots-eat-em-all
:pac:

kfallon

The job interviewer asked,"What's your name?"

"Its John-F*ck*ng- b*st*rd-c*nt-p*ss flaps Brady"

"Do you suffer from Tourettte's John?" asked the interviewer.

"No, said John,but the vicar at my christening did".

kfallon

I was in the car the last night having some fun with the wife re-kindling old memories, things were starting to get hot, when she whisperd in my ear, "Fook me in the sh*thole.

I said, "If you think I'm driving to Cork this time of night you can think again". I took her straight home.

kfallon

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ??


I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.


I spent €4k replacing every window in the house, then realised I had a crack in my glasses.

kfallon

An old lady was in the common room of an old folks home when she passed a sad looking little old man. "What's wrong Neville?" she asked. "Doris, I miss sex! All I ever think about is sex! sex! sex! sex!" exclaimed Neville.

"Don't be silly Neville, you're too old to have sex!" "Doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'd give my left nut if I could get someone to just hold it a little each day!" "Well, I can do that for you Neville" said Doris as she promptly sat next to him and fished out his wrinkled old member.

Every morning Doris would come over, sit next to Neville and chat about the day, all the while holding on to his c**k. This carried on for several weeks, but one morning Doris arrived at their chair only to find Neville sitting next to another woman. A woman who was holding his c**k. Doris was outraged. She screamed "Neville Bartlett, you bastard! What has she got that I haven't got?"

Neville squints at Doris and says "Parkinson's"

wandatowell

Q. Whats the difference between a snow tyre and a black man?

A. The snow tyre wont sing when you put chains on it.

jd007

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him 'Get over here! What's your name sailor?'

'John' the sailorman replied.

'Look I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority' the chief scowled.

'I refer to sailors by their last name and you are to refer to me as chief. Do I make myself clear?'

'Aye aye chief!'

'Now what's your last name?' the chief asked.

The seaman sighed. 'Darling. My name is John Darling chief.'

'Okay John, here's what I want you to do...'

SteelyDanJalapeno

jd007 wrote: »

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him 'Get over here! What's your name sailor?'

'John' the sailorman replied.

'Look I don't know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority' the chief scowled.

'I refer to sailors by their last name and you are to refer to me as chief. Do I make myself clear?'

'Aye aye chief!'

'Now what's your last name?' the chief asked.

The seaman sighed. 'Darling. My name is John Darling chief.'

'Okay John, here's what I want you to do...'

Wait, so he wanted to call him by his 2nd name?

until, he found out it was darling?!

OMG hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Capt'n Midnight

giles lynchwood wrote: »

George W Bush when in office had an idea to solve the Bird Flu epidemic.
Bomb The CANARIAS.

Islas CANARIAS means "Island of the Dogs" LOL

I would have loved to see the expression on the Turks faces when he announced that.

jd007

Horgan wrote: »

Wait, so he wanted to call him by his 2nd name?

until, he found out it was darling?!

OMG hahahahahahahahahahahaha

http://omg.wthax.org/thatsthejoke.jpg

im invisible

Paddy and Mick want to immigrate to Australia, so they head to the nearest Immigration Office.

Mick goes in first, and after 5 mins he comes out and gives his brother the thumbs up and says "I'm in!"

Paddy goes next and the Immigration Officer says,
"What kind of work do you do?"
Paddy replies "I'm a turf cutter"

The officer runs his finger down his list of jobs and says
"Sorry, we don't need turf cutters in Australia, I cant let you in!"
Paddy goes "But you don't understand, I'm the best, the straightest, the neatest turf cutter in all of Ireland. If theres turf to be cut, I'm your man!"
Officer: "No, you dont understand, we have no turf in Australia, I'm sorry there is no place for you."

Paddy: "But you let my brother in not 5 mins ago!!"

Officer: "Yes, but he's a Pilot"

Paddy: "I know, but if I don't cut it, he can't pile it!

barone

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?

A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!