The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

round tower huntsman

george bush is sitting in the oval office, an aide runs in 'mr president 3 brazilian soldiers were killed in afghanistan today!'.......george puts his head in his hands 'oh my god.....how many millions is in 3 brazilians':D

keano_afc

Fart wrote: »

I'm in tears, ya bollox. hahaha

Heh heh. Its a good one isn't it? I've only ever been in tears laughing twice in my entire life and one of them was at that joke. Had me in stitches for a very long time.

herisson

what do you call a woman with 1 leg?

Eileen

What do you call a woman with no legs?

Noleen

What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

Kathleen

im going to put these in spoilers might not be everyones cup of tea

What do you call a Chinese baby in a microwave?
PING!

what go you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Taiwann Shue

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene

sh1tstirrer

>Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did,
>and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a
>peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man
>standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
>
>"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>bedroom?"
>
>The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
>
>Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
>too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
>me back straight away".
>
>St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
>We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
>
>Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
>covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't
>so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside
>him.
>
>The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
>are you enjoying your first day here?"
>
>"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
>like I'm about to explode".
>
>"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
>laid an egg before".
>
>"Never" replies Brian
>
>"Well just relax and let it happen"
>
>And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
>out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
>and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
>the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness
>was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
>best thing that ever happened to him ... ever!!!
>
>The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
>felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
>shouting "Brian, wake up you bas*ard, you're sh*tting in the bed"

Shanotheslayer

I remember how stupid I felt the day I found out Santa Claus doesn't exist. I realised how ridiculous the whole concept was and was clearly just a method of blackmailing children to behave themselves all year round.

Anyway, I'm off to church now. I don't want to piss God off or I will go to hell

tommylimerick

this woman in a night club with big jugs
so this farmer walks up to her and says
that s a grand dairy farm you have there
she replies it s not a dairy farm it s a
chicken farm it s raised more cocks than calves

Irish Guitarist

Q. What would you call Postman Pat if he lost his job?
A. Pat.

jkell061

What's not fair?

Hair on a black man's arse!!

flahavaj

Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Why did the farmer win a prize?


He was outstanding in his field

Have you heard the one about the magic trailer?

It was attached to a magic tractor.:pac:

W123-80's

Two teddy bears in the hotpress.

Which one is in the army.?

The one on the tank....

CarrickMcJoe

Prince Charles is driving through the countryside when he runs over a hedgehog. he stops and gets out to try and save the poor animal but he was in bits.
Just then a genie arrives and says he will grant charlie 1 wish.

Charles, "Please make this little hedgehog better".

Genie, "Impossible to do , hes in pieces".

Charles, "Okay then, My wife Camilla is, well eh, not the most pleasing to the eye, I wish you to make her into a most beautiful woman.

Genie, " Em, Show me that hedgehog again"!

yesno1234

Why don't they sell pharmaceuticals in the rainforest?

Because it would not be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

A man walks into a bar

He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family

admiralofthefleet

just after the queen mother died 2 of the queens corgi dogs are having a chat

one says the the other: 'isnt it sad, the place just doesnt seem the same without her'
the other one says: 'sad, im over the moon, i used to get blamed for pissing on the floor'

talla10

Pat and Joe are sitting in a pub all day and both are locked. Pat tells Joe 'Joe, you're my best friend in the whole world and i love ya to bits'. Joe tells Pat to shut up it's the drink talking but Pat is insistent. 'I swear Joe if i had two million quid i'd give ya a million!If i had two houses i'd give you one!!If i had two cars i'd give you one!'. Joe pipes us ' If ya had two bikes would you give me one?' Pat looks at Joe and replies

'Would you fcuk off Joe you know i have two bikes'

Capt'n Midnight

An old man walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, President Bush is no longer in office. He doesn't live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, President Bush is no longer in office and doesn't live here anymore."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Bush. I've told you already that he is no longer in office. He's never coming back. Don't you understand?"

The old veteran answered him, "Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!"

Chris P. Bacon

Larry Murphy and a woman are walking through a forest late at night,and the woman turns to Larry and says 'jaysus Larry its real scary here at night isn't it',it sure is Larry says and how do you think i feel i have to walk back on me own

PeterIanStaker

Did you hear that they've discovered a new use for sheep in Australia?

Wool

rannerap

In the spirit of our festive weather, how do you know a snow mans been in your bed?

You wake up wet

Coriolanus

What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I'm chopping up onions.

bcmf

This big smelly fooker of a farmer wants to join 'The Big Smelly Farmers Society'.
So he gets the application form and part of it says'....How would you Demonstrate that you belong to The Big Smelly Farmers Society?'
So the farmer goes down the local and fills himself up with Guinness and has a double helping of Curry chips on the way home.
Next morning he wakes up and legs it to the jacks and when he is finished he wipes his arse with the application form and thinks 'this should be enough proof for them' and sends it off.
A few weeks later he gets a reply.
The application comes back and has stamped on it 'APPLICATION REJECTED'
and underneath in the reason
'Here at The Big Smelly Farmer's Society we do not wipe our holes'.

Shanotheslayer

I was telling the police officer how local youths threw a milk bottle at me and it just missed me.
He asked, "Skimmed past your face?"
I replied, "No full fat over my shoulder."

1mcampo1

How long do cowboy's go on holiday for?

A yee-hah...

Mars Bar

What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.

round tower huntsman

two snowmen in a field one turns to the other and says 'can you smell carrots?'

Capt'n Midnight

What do you call someone who thinks they are an opera singer ?

Placebo Domingo

OutlawPete

Door to door salesman knocks at a house.

Little girl of about 10 answers the door, covered in make-up, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, bottle of beer in one hand and wearing just a string bikini.

Shocked Salesman:

"Hi .. are your parents home??"

Girl:

"What the fuck do you think?".

Susie_Q

Did you hear about the half-assed punchline?

I dunno, something about a donkey.

xoxyx

super_furry wrote: »

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

chin_grin wrote: »

Why couldn't she get up?

She had no legs.

Why did nobody help her?




She had no friends.

TimeToShine

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prince :D

strobe

1mcampo1 wrote: »

How long do cowboy's go on holiday for?

A yee-hah...

Where do cowboys bring their rubbish?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump

Piste

venison's deer, isn't it?



(works better spoken)

bernardo mac

probably heard Spike Milligan's "condoms should be worn on every conceivable occasion"

Einhard

Two gobstoppers are having a drink in a pub, each boasting about how hard he is, and how he could take any mint in the place. One of them saunters up to a humbug and starts pushing him about, giving him stick, and generally being a menace. Anyway, the humbug manages to squirm out of it and return to his table where he's having a few drinks with his unassuming minty mates. The second gobstopper makes his move next and walks over to the same table, startings intimidating and threatening the mints. He slaps the humbug a few times, and laughs as they all cower away from him. As he's swaggering away, chest puffed up, and eyeing all the rest of the terrified patrons, a Halls Soother walks in, and bouth gobstoppers dive under the nearest table, holding each other and quaking in fear. They remain there until the Soother drinks his pint and leaves. Whereupon the barman turns to them, and says that he thought they were hard men. Still shaking, obviously terrified, the bigger gobstopped peers out from under the table and replies...

....

...

...

...

"Are you mad, we're not going near him. Everyone knows he's Menthol!!!"

sorry

Nulty

Tommy White Garden wrote: »

What do you do if you see a fireman??





You put it out man

What do you do if you see a spaceman?




Park in it man

(Please understand its a reflex and I have no control over it)

Lon.C

What did the snail say when he got a piggyback off the turtle?

Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaa!!


Did you hear about the fella who lived in a wheel?

He got a puncture, now he lives in a flat.

RedDevil1878

I had a job in a orange juice factory. But unfortunately i got let go. When i asked why ? The boss told me i couldnt concentrate.

Whats pink and fluffy ? Pink fluff

Whats purple and fluffy ? Pink fluff holding its breath

Whats red and bad for your teeth ? a brick

I woke up today and there was a airplane in my garden. When i asked the pilot why it was there. He said that my landing light was on.

I bought a new tv for a 10er, problem was the sound was stuck on the highest volume level. But still, i couldnt turn it down.

CrinkElite

what's the difference between snow men and snow women?

snow balls.

danniemcq

misslt wrote: »

No no.

Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms.

Why did Paul fall off the cliff?

I dunno but Suzy didn't push him!

NO NO NO!!!

Why did suzy fall off the swing?

She had no arms.


Why did Johnny fall off the bike

Someone threw a fridge at him


Who threw the fridge at Johnny?

Dunno but it wasn't Suzy


/wonders how many other variations of this are out there

Orando Broom

Why can't the Dutch tell jokes timing.

ButtersStotch

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

Susie_Q

ButtersStotch wrote: »

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi.

Why did he leave early?

Because there wasn't mush room.

dagdha

There was a man who had a son but unfortunately when his son was born he had'nt got a body all he was was a head, no legs, no arms, no torso no nothing. The father loved his son anyway and always wanted the best for his son in life and he tried to give him a normal life as much as possible.

The father always brought the son everywhere so when it came to his sons 18th birthday the father says "son it's your 18th birthday today and I've tried my best to give you a normal life but there is one thing that I always wanted to do with you and that is to bring you to the pub and be able to sit with you while you have your first pint of Guinness." The son was over the moon with this so the father picked his sons head up and popped it under his arm and walked down to the pub.

They went up to the counter and the father put his sons head on a stool and he said to the old barman behind the counter "Can I get two pints of Guinness for myself and my son as its his 18th birthday today and I want to celebrate it with him with his first pint of stout". The barman throws up two pints and the father picks one up and holds it to his sons lips and the son takes a big gulp, all of a sudden BANG.. a torso grows out of the head. Everybody in the bar is amazed and the barman shouts "go on give him another sip there" so the father does and BANG.. two arms grow out of the torso. Everybody thinks this is amazing so the father gives his son another sip and BANG.. two legs grow out of the torso, the son jumps up and hugs his father who is in tears of delight, everybody in the bar is cheering that the son actually has a body and can now have a normal life. The son turns to the father and says "dad you are after giving me the best life I could possibly have considering all I was was a head but I really want to go out and experience the world on my own now that I can walk and be a normal member of society". The father agrees and he thinks this is the best thing to ever happen so he tells his son to head out and explore the new world that has opened for him.

The son walks out of the bar followed by everybody who is cheering and shouting and he goes to cross the road then BANG he gets hit by a bus and dies immediately in front of everyone who are completely shocked. The whole place goes silent apart from the barman who looks down at the body tuts and he says:










"He should have quit while he was a head"

neil_hosey

whats the loudest thing in the world?

a skeleton in a biscuit tin ... havin a ****!!

--Kaiser--

This post is brought to you by the letter B.

Bad
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive? "Honey, Im Home!"

Better
A fellow goes into a cake shop, and says, "I'd like to buy a bee please."
"We don't sell bees." The shopkeeper replied, confused.
"Well, there's one in your window!”

Best
Two bee keepers are conversing. . . And one says, "How many bees have you got?"
And he says, "I've got 10,000 bees.”
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
He says, "I've got 20 hives".
“20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
He says, "Yeah.”

He says, “How may bees have you got?"
He says, “I've got a million bees.”
“A million bees?!"
He says, "Yeah."
He says, "How many hives have you got?"
"One."

"A million bees - one hive?”
He goes, "Yeah, f**k 'em; they're only bees.”

Pace2008

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break. ", explains the duck.

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

Pace2008

Clubbers around Dublin should be wary after hearing about the dyslexic raver at the weekend.

He died after taking a bad F.

Edit: Toxicology reports just came in. Turns out he died trying to shoot up a heron.

Ghandee

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

bananabig.jpg The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it," he asked

"Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

ilovelamp2000

Snow is a lot like my last girlfriend.

They both disappear when you piss on them.

Funkfield

My sperm count is so high my girlfriend has to chew before swallowing.

:cool:

am i bovvered

The best one I've read so far

how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler: TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

Knock Knock
who's there
Control Freak...... now you say "control freak who ?"