The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Osmosis Jones

A horse walks into a bar

The barman asks:

"Why the fcuk is there a horse in my bar?"

policarp

Osmosis Jones wrote: »

A horse walks into a bar

The barman asks:

"Why the fcuk is there a horse in my bar?"

Because the name of the pub is
"The Bleeding Horse."

im invisible

a horse jumps into a bar...

4 faults

Tarkus

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with

a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.

Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.



David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly

saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try

and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the

bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.



Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming -

then suddenly there was quiet.



David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly

opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's

extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my

language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct

my behavior."



David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask

what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask

what the chicken did?"

--Kaiser--

Some jokes I heard on QI last night

*******

A grasshopper walks into a bar, barman says "We got a drink named after you?"
Grasshopper looks confused and says "What, Eric?"

*********

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your life better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments? How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10!"

********************

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That's true, but we thought of having it with women!

oakwood

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty two year olds?

There's twenty of them.

:eek:

jme2010

Why did the Eastern European man cross the road?

Because he took the chickens job!

barone

I answered the door to a Chinese lightbulb salesman and he said, "Sell you light? Sell you light?"

So I turned around and said, "It's for you, darling. He wants to look at the back of your legs"

--Kaiser--

barone wrote: »

I answered the door to a Chinese lightbulb salesman and he said, "Sell you light? Sell you light?"

So I turned around and said, "It's for you, darling. He wants to look at the back of your legs"

Reminds me of this joke:

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese man answers..."Harro", says the chappy.
"Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese man, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese man has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me....Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Chinese man, "I wheelie bin having a ****!"

GodlessInfidel

What did the father say to the peadofile on the beach?

Do you mind getting out of my son

housetypeb

Two kerry men,Jack and Paddy, are on their first plane trip heading for new york.
Shortly after take off the captain says over the intercom
"Ladies and gentlemen,we seem to have lost power in our number one engine, no need to worry as we have 4 engines and this plane can fly on one engine if needs be,we will be an hour late arriving in new york"
Later again the captain explains that they are having trouble with their number two engine and will be now 3 hours late arriving in New York.
A short while later the captain comes on the intercom again and explains that their number three engine has lost power and they will now be 5 hours late arriving in new york.
Jack says to Paddy "jayus, I hope we don't lose power in the fourth engine or we'll be up here all fcuking night".

corblimey

A priest checking into a hotel one night says to the receptionist "I hope the porn in my room is disabled". The receptionist replies "it's normal porn, you sick freak."

Tarkus

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

pappyodaniel

castletownman wrote: »

The world potato eating championships were held in Manchester last week. The winner got a potato clock. The others got up at nine.

Explain this joke?

jonnyfingers

pappyodaniel wrote: »

Explain this joke?

Really???

got a potato clock = got up at eight o'clock

coffee_cake

pappyodaniel wrote: »

Explain this joke?

say it quickly

got a potato clock = got up at eight o clock.

pappyodaniel

Thanks guys.

jme2010

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open it and put him in!

How do you put a girrafe in the fridge?

Open it, take the elephant out, and put him in!

policarp

Irish astronauts are building a rocket to fly to the sun and the media send a reporter to interview them.
"Why are you flying to the sun?"
"Because the Yanks and the Rooskies have flown to the moon."
"What will you use for fuel?"
"Turf, sure we've loads of turf."
"You do realise it's very hot on the sun, don't you?"
"Ah! of course we do. That's why we'll be going at night."

Kitty-kitty

Tarkus wrote: »

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

That's a terrifyingly top-heavy daughter. 38D'd be at least 42 inch bust. No wonder they say oh my god.

cruiser178

Kitty-kitty wrote: »

That's a terrifyingly top-heavy daughter. 38D'd be at least 42 inch bust. No wonder they say oh my god.

Stop ruining the mental picture i have in my head by puttig a fat arse on it she's real, very real

Galway K9

policarp wrote: »

Irish astronauts are building a rocket to fly to the sun and the media send a reporter to interview them.
"Why are you flying to the sun?"
"Because the Yanks and the Rooskies have flown to the moon."
"What will you use for fuel?"
"Turf, sure we've loads of turf."
"You do realise it's very hot on the sun, don't you?"
"Ah! of course we do. That's why we'll be going at night."

Brendan grace says this one very well.

Borat_Sagdiyev

What's the french for lawn mower?








Coup de grâce...

patmac

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada's remote Yukon to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six of the beasts, all with massive antlers.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'.
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we
are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year'

kfallon

Three lady friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after a day at the gym and vigorous clothes shopping. The conversation eventual ly drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

SarahBeep!

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"

Wailin

Headmaster calls father into school, tells him his two sons are swearing alot in class and are bad examples to other pupils. Father goes home furious and decides to sort them out next day.

Following morning he calls the two lads down for breakfast before school. Asks Johnny what he wants for breakfast, Johnny replies: 'Sure i'll have a ****ing boiled egg'. Father goes nuts and beats the ****e out of poor Johnny, kicks him all around the room, while young Paddy looks on in terror.

Father then turns to Paddy, fists clenched and panting furiously, and asks him what HE wants for breakfast. Paddy stammers 'I'm not having a ****ing boiled egg anyway'.......

--Kaiser--

Bob is in his living room when he hears the doorbell ring. He gets up and opens the door where a policeman is waiting.
"Can I help you officer?" Bob inquires.
The policeman holds up a photograph of Bob's Mother-in-law
"Good morning sir, do you recognise this woman?" The Policeman asks
"Yes, that's my Mother-in-law" he replies
"I'm afraid it looks as if she's been hit by a bus sir." says the policeman
"I know that, but she has a lovely personality" replies Bob

Chris Hansen

What did one tampon say to the other?



Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches!

Tarkus

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl and re-bait the trap."