The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Funglegunk

Sam Vimes wrote: »

A talent agent is sitting in his office. A family walks in: Man woman, their two kids, and their little dog. The agent asks: "What kind of an act do you do?"

The father starts fucking his wife, the wife starts jerking off the son, the son starts going down on the sister, the sister starts fingering the dog's asshole. Then the son starts blowing his father.

The daughter starts licking out the father's asshole. Then the father shits on the floor, the mother shits on the floor. The dog pisses and shits on the floor. They all jump down into the shit and piss and cum and they start fucking and sucking each other, and then they take a bow.

And the talent agent says "Well, that's an interesting act. What do you call yourselves?"

And they say "The aristocrats!"

Nicely done. That your own version of it?

Sam Vimes

Funglegunk wrote: »

Nicely done. That your own version of it?

Nope, it's Gilbert Gottfreid's

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGVL_reIuJM

Curly Judge

An old Kerryman takes a trip to Dublin to watch his county win it's umpteenth All Ireland.
Before catching his train home he makes his way into a city center pub and eventually pushes his way to the counter.
Catching the very busy young barman's eye he orders a "1914 pint".
Being very busy, but not wanting to appear ignorant, the barman asks his boss, "There's an old redneck at the counter looking for a 1914 pint, what'll I do"?
"Give him an ordinary pint and tell him it's a 1914 pint. Sure how's he going to know the difference" his boss advises.
Feeling very pleased with himself the barman hops up the pint to the Kerryman with a great flourish and shouts loudly, "There you Sir, one 1914 pint!
The Kerryman pushes two old pennies across the counter saying, "God bless you son, I didn't think there was any of them left"

eugeneious

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
No more mist & ice guy.



I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the **** was that? Stop the car, son."

Rocky_Dennis

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'

Sykk

eugeneious wrote: »

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.
No more mist & ice guy.

Out.. OUT... YOU GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!! :pac:

kfallon

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day
Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view'

Isn't the best way to announce number 69

kfallon

I've given up Viagra for lent, but I'm really missing it.
Not sure how long I can keep it up for.

Gannicus

Whats the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You can pull a hare out of your arse but you can't pull a rabbit out

im invisible

i gave up lent for girth

Gannicus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pseGtp0z0F0

Capt'n Midnight

Rangers ground Ibrox is to be renamed "The Inland Revenue Arena" or IRA for short.

But it's only provisional.

Maudi

fuzztone wrote: »

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? To see her crack.

now thats..funny

luckyfrank

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of viagra ? The chemist asks him does he have a prescription, he says no but i have a photo of my wife.............

luckyfrank

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Rangers ground Ibrox is to be renamed "The Inland Revenue Arena" or IRA for short.

But it's only provisional.

alandublin33

an Irish sailor gets washed up on a desert island and soon see's that he's surrounded by blood thirsty cannibals ,

big chief : put man in big pot , we will eat tonight!!!

so the sailor gets dragged by the cannibals and thrown into the pot with the fire at full blaze and his hands tied and mouth gagged.

20 mins pass by and the big chief notices the sailor with tears of laughter rolling down his face.

big chief : remove gag from sailor now !
big chief : why you laugh when you cooking in pot ???




sailor: cos Im after sh1tein in your dinner !!

alandublin33

a restaurant opens up one day and make the claim that whatever you order they will have it for you on the spot no matter what it is.

so people started to try it just to see if its true , so they went in and ordered the regular kind of restaurant food , steaks , different kinds of fish and the restaurant lived up to its reputation and always had what the customers ordered.

so after a while the customers got fed up with this and started to order more and more obscure dishes just to prove to themselves the restaurant couldnt possibly have everything , like antelope with lettuce from Madrid , rhino tongue with oysters , and flamingo with pickles.

but no matter what customers ordered the restaurant still always had it and served it up quickly.

so this carries on month after month year after year with the orders getting stranger and stranger.

so one day a man goes in and says to himself Im gonna catch these f****rs out!

man : excuse me........ waitress

waitress : yes sir , are you ready to place your order?

man : yes I certainly am , I would like some mermaids nipples on toast

waitress : ...... ok sir I will be back to you shortly .


(a lot of noise comes from the kitchen opening and slamming presses)


the waitress comes back to the man.



waitress : Im terribly sorry sir we cant make your order

man : oh really ? (looking smug)

waitress : Yes , we've run out of bread!

Ledger

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

kfallon

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

So bad it made me laugh


Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided

"Jaysus if she can't hold down a f*cking job, she's not for me!!"

Ghandee

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

Just heard this being read out on 2fm as Will Leahy's crap joke of the day!

Respect man!

Ledger

Ghandee wrote: »

Ledger wrote: »

Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part magazine documenting their life as a band.
Parts A to D will be freely available in shops, but you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

Just heard this being read out on 2fm as Will Leahy's crap joke of the day!

Respect man!

I'll hold my hands up, I got it from gift grub this morning. Haha

Compton

Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after six years: The Carling cup.

That's a bit like being single for six years and then bringing home Susan Boyle.

grindle

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One'll make your day, the other'll make your hole weak.

patmac

I paid €5000 for a boob job for the missus she was delighted,
I paid €4000 for a nose job for her and she was ecstatic,
I paid €3000 for an arse lift for her and she was over the moon,
I paid €30 for a blow job for meself and she goes fecking mental!

Omackeral

Why don't pirates have any headache tablets?

Parrots eat them all.

kfallon

Toilet from Store Street Garda station was stolen this morning.

Senior Garda spokesman says they have nothing to go on :P

policarp

kfallon wrote: »

Toilet from Store Street Garda station was stolen this morning.

Senior Garda spokesman says they have nothing to go on :P

All that's left is a hole in the floor.

Gardai are looking into it. . .

Omackeral

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

JessicaRabbit

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
...
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Patri

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

TiGeR KiNgS

<snip>

domkk

Why are West Ham fans like Michael Jackson?.....




cos there forever blowing bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!

Curly Judge

>
>
> The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
> early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
> Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
> line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
> what those two points would be.
> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
> top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
> and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
> measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
> walked Out with $96,000.
> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
> who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
> 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
> reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
> Officers had received.
> But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
> providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical
> Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
> The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
> weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
> ''Where are your testicles?''
>
> The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
>
>
> I Love This Country!
> It's The Government That
> Scares The Hell Outa Me

ItsAWindUp

Not sure if its the best one, but its the filthiest by far. In fact I feel unclean typing it, but it is funny.:D

How do you make a gay f uck a woman?

S hit in her c unt.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

policarp

Heard about the lazy plumber?

He wouldn't do a tap.

policarp

What is the cure for water on the brain?

A tap on the head.

GreenWolfe

A Chukchi and a Russian geologist were hunting together when a polar bear reared up in front of them. The Chukchi shouted "Run" and started running off into the distance. The Russian shrugged, raised his gun and simply shot the polar bear.

"You Russians are terrible hunters" the Chukchi bellowed. "It's ten miles back to the tent, you can haul that bear back yourself!"

Nodster

Davey Jones just had his first row in heaven, apparently he bumped into Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse and started singing "hey hey its the junkies"

domkk

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?............




........NONE! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

starch4ser

What did Billy the blind, deaf, dumb, spastic get for christmas?

Cancer

KeithM89_old

Mod Note:
Chances are, if you read it on sickipedia, its not suitable for AH.
Think before you post, people of all ages read Boards.
Last Warning.

Galway K9

TiGeR KiNgS wrote: »

<snip>

Lol how bad is it that its not suitable for AH

Curly Judge

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

44leto

NOt a joke but something someone said to me today.

I was shopping for a lawnmower today, but there are all different types so I asked an old gent who worked for woodies.

He told me the different types the advantages and disadvantages etc he was very helpful and knowledgeable.

But then he pointed out the push non power lawnmowers, "now these are great value, they will save you a fortune on gym membership" I burst out laughing.

efb

Gay marriage is like slavery, Catholic leader says


- that is a joke, right!?!

sonic85

Mick is in court accused of committing a double murder. The judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A man at the back of the courtroom yells out "C U N T!"

The room goes silent, the judge continues "You are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "YOU FCUKING C U N T!"

The judge having had enough, looks at the man and says "Sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but i will have no more outbursts, if you have anything else to say, say it now."

The man stands up and says "For 15 years i lived next door to that bastard and everytime i asked to borrow a fcuking hammer he said he didnt have one!"

44leto

44leto wrote: »

NOt a joke but something someone said to me today.

I was shopping for a lawnmower today, but there are all different types so I asked an old gent who worked for woodies.

He told me the different types the advantages and disadvantages etc he was very helpful and knowledgeable.

But then he pointed out the push non power lawnmowers, "now these are great value, they will save you a fortune on gym membership" I burst out laughing.

Definition of an optimist!
Man who buys a lawnmower in addition to with his packet of grass seed!

Spread

In a little village in the west of Ireland a young man - having finished his schooling - got a job in a hardware/drapery/grocer shop. The first day there, his boss gave him a new khaki coat for uniform and told him just to watch for a few minutes. Door chime goes off and in walks first customer, "I'd like to buy a pound of grass seeds". The boss weighs the seeds, bags them and puts it on the counter. "Anything else Sir?" asks the boss. "Don't think so", says the customer. "Perhaps you'd like to purchase one of our lawn mowers - 20% off until Wednesday!" "Oops, hadn't thought of that, that's a good idea", says customer. To make a long story short, the customer leaves with not just the grass seeds but also a new lawn mower, can of oil and an extended warranty. The boss looking at the new worker with a wink says, "That's the way to do business!"
With that, the phone in the office rings and he boss goes to answer it. The door chime rings again and in walks another male customer. "Can I help you Sir?", said the newbie. "Yes, I'd like to buy a packet of Tampax please". The newbie reaches up and puts a package on the counter. "Anything else Sir?" "No that's it thanks". "Could I interest you in one of our lawn mowers - 20% off until Wednesday!" "Why in the name of God would I need a lawn mower!"
"Well, it looks like your weekend is fucked so you might as well mow the lawn".

carrick79

What is a wok for?

It's for thwowing at wabbits when you haven't got a wifle...