The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Marty McFly

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

policarp

Billy age 6 watching his aunt breastfeeding his newly arrived cousin.
Billy, curious, asks what's them lumps for?
Aunt says they're for feeding your little cousin.
Billy says my Ma has the same lumps but she doesn't
know how to use them.

Kya1976

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

tightropetom

What's the difference between Imogen Thomas and Amy Winehouse?
Imogen Thomas can still do Giggs.

Ooooooooo... too soon?

offaly1

tightropetom wrote: »

What's the difference between Imogen Thomas and Amy Winehouse?
Imogen Thomas can still do Giggs.

Ooooooooo... too soon?

I laughed!!:eek:

Marty McFly

How offensive can jokes be in here? Got text one today its funny but it slags Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and Norway all in the one go, for the more sensitive out there im thinking it may be to soon.

Guill

luvbulmers01 wrote: »

How offensive can jokes be in here? Got text one today its funny but it slags Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and Norway all in the one go, for the more sensitive out there im thinking it may be to soon.

I'm sure it'll be fine, if you are not going to post it can you PM it to me??

Marty McFly

Ok at least I gave warning:)


Amy Winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter. Amy say " oh Michael are you here to greet me because im a musical genius like you?" Michael turns to St Peter and says "whos this horse face junkie and where are all these Norwegian kids you promised me?"

foxyboxer

Arnold Schwarzeneggar arrives on set after Easter.

Assistant: Did you get many easter eggs Mr Schwarzeneggar?
Arnie: No, I did not get any!
Assistant: Gee, I guess you're not a fan of easter then?
Arnie: I still love easter baby!

Pandora2

Paddy & Annie, in their 70's after a lifetime of scrimping and scraping eventually bite the bullet and book a foreign holiday for their Golden Wedding celebrations. The day arrives and off they go but as luck would have it they hit awful turbulence and the plane went down killing all aboard.

Paddy & Annie, both devout, arrive at the gates of Heaven simultaneously and are greeted personally by Saint Peter who welcomes them in and immediately takes them off to see their accommodation. Very soon they were looking around the most fabulous house, furnished with all their little knick knacks and treasured possessions, the wardrobes full with their favorite clothes as well as top of the range appliances, decor and furniture. Paddy nervously clears his throat and asks, "How much would this cost??" St. Peter smiles and says "Paddy, you and Annie have paid your dues and more on Earth, No Charge" Meanwhile Annie comes tearing out of the kitchen asking where she might obtain groceries......"Merely imagine what you would like in the fridge and cupboards and it will be there, no charge!! You can of course use the facilities at the Golf Club or gym, the restaurants are open all the time and there is no limit to what you can order, free of charge!!"

"There's a Golf Club?"., "Yes, next to the gym, it is better than any course on Earth and well you can always get a bit of a game with the Dear Departed pro's", "Is it expensive?" asked Paddy, "Need you ask?" responded Peter with an even bigger smile. Paddy was by now relaxing a little and asked "Do I have to go to the gym??" Peter said,"well you can if you enjoy it but you don't have to, you will never become sick, you will never be older than you are today so it is not necessary for health reasons." "What about diet, Paddy asked, can I eat red meat, refined sugar, salt, have a few scoops without getting sick??" Peter smiled and assured him, " You can eat and drink what you like for all eternity, this is your eternal reward"


Paddy turned and looked at Annie for a long time and when he spoke it was clear as a bell........"Fock you and your fockin bran flakes, we could have been here 10 years ago!!"

Pandora2

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife , 43 , who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13 th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse , I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.



:D:D:D:D Not all my jokes take forever!! ;-) No offence intended to anyone...

Pandora2

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife , 43 , who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13 th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse , I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.



:D:D:D:D Not all my jokes take forever!! ;-) No offence intended to anyone...

R P McMurphy

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

R P McMurphy

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Savage Tyrant

Sean is on his death bed with beloved wife Mary sitting with him.

He says: "Mary, when I was 20 and crashed our very first car two days after we were married, you were right there,by my side"...

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"...

Sean: "And ten years later, when our house burned down, you were right there...by my side"

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"...

Sean: "And then when my business went bust, you were still right there, by my side"...

Mary: "Yes my love, I was"

Sean: "And when I slipped over and broke my hip last year, you were right there, by my side"

Mary: "Yes, my love, I was"...

Sean: "And now after 56 years of marriage, here I am, on my deathbed, riddled with cancer and you're still right here, by my side"

(barely holding back her tears)
Mary: "Yes, my love, I am"...

Sean: "Mary?"

Mary: "Yes, my love?"

Sean: "Mary, you're a fúcking jinx"...!!

dilallio

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt. Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay.... you're already dead.

Guy: No Way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces, you name it. We even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can.

Guy: Cool....

Devil: You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you want. If you overdose, It's Okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Alright! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So.... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

pappyodaniel

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He tried eating his dinner before it was cool

efb

dilallio wrote: »

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in Hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, You're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt. Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay.... you're already dead.

Guy: No Way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horseraces, you name it. We even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can.

Guy: Cool....

Devil: You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you want. If you overdose, It's Okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Alright! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So.... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

Sign me up!!!!

talla10

Two detectives are searching Amy Winehouses room after her untimely death looking for clues as to how she passed to rule out foul play. One detective says to the other 'I never heard of this Amy Winehouse before. How was she famous?'. The other detective replied 'She was a world class musician and singer'. The first detective looks around the room again and asks 'What did she play?? The fcuking spoons??!

CorsetIsTight

I was just reminded of this by someone I told it to ages ago...it's quite possible that it came from here in which case, apologies for the repeat.


Old MacDonald was dyslexic,
I, E, I, E, O.

Mongarra

To (sort of) link the last 2:

A dyslexic friend of mine has texted me to say someone has died in an Army Warehouse in London!

Stop Lad!

My father taught me how to swim, down in the local river....
I had no bother getting the hang of the swimming bit, but... getting out of the bag was the problem!

3qsmavrod5twfe

There was a barman working in a pub in New York and it was a slow wednesday evening. There was one big red-haired Irish guy at the bar who was obviously a little worse for wear. In marches another big red haired Irish dude who too was a little under the weather, and plants himself at the bar beside the first man.

He proceeds to order a whiskey and throws it back, roaring "God bless Ireland, with the help of god I'll see you soon!"

The man who was there first looks over at him and says "Irish are ya? Would you believe I'm a proud Irishman myself?"

"Is that right, bejaysus, isn't it a small auld world. Where abouts are ya from? replied the second.

"Mayo, God help me!" exclaimed the first

"Go way out of that, I'm from Mayo too, Ballina as it happens." said the second.

"Get the fu<k away, I'm from Ballina myself. I grew up on a house on Main street."

"No fu<king way" said the 2nd man "I grew up on Main Street myself. We'll certainly have to drink to this chance meeting."

The man is just about to order two more Powers when the phone in the bar rings. The barman answers it, and it is the owner asking if it's busy and how things are going.

"Pretty good" said the barman, "Good for a Wednesday. The usuals are all in and the Ruane twins are pissed already."

admiralofthefleet

whats black and starving?

amy winehouse's cat

CarrickMcJoe

An old man stopped by police at 1 in the morningand asked where he's going at that time of the night.

He says,"To a lecture about alcohol abuse and the affects on the human body".

Copper says, "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of the night?".

Man says," The fvckin wife!".

Hal Emmerich

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

An old man stopped by police at 1 in the morningand asked where he's going at that time of the night.

He says,"To a lecture about alcohol abuse and the affects on the human body".

Copper says, "Really, who's giving that lecture at this time of the night?".

Man says," The fvckin wife!".

tdv123

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in the car and be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f**k herself."

Sanity_Saviour

I have three...


I got robbed the other day, nothing expensive they left the TV, jewelry but stole the remote. Now they just drive by and change the channel...
Pure evil


I was in watching the football when this madman came in and started screaming abuse at me and calling me a low-life, then turned off the TV.
I said to myself, "Now that's just not on"

A N B G
That's bang out of order

trishmartin

:Dbrill hahahahahahaha love it:D

EMF2010 wrote: »

One that makes me laugh

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
Nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
And answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
Of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
Glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
Anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
Chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Kya1976

Why do men name their penises?


Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.