The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Daniel S

dublinman1990 wrote: »

The joke I have here is between a train; a suicide bomber and a catholic priest.

This suicide bomber blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

frag420

dublinman1990 wrote: »

The joke I have here is between a train; a suicide bomber and a catholic priest.

This suicide bomber blows up a train which contained a max total of 800 people. After such time he did the job; he goes into a confession box and tell the priest his sins.

The priest asks him; What sins have you committed my child?

He says he had bombed a train which left 370 passengers killed and 470 injured.
After all the prayers were said during confession; The penance comes up. And Lord behold us; this is what he said.

Priest: Now my child, for your penance; would you do the stations?

So how did the suicide bomber survive??

kfallon

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

todays top tip for cheltenham

lunch hour

12/1

Got a tip for Ayr on Monday......open your windows on Sunday :pac:

Obviously works better when you say it

policarp

He was charged for arson.

What was he sitting on.?

Smidge

Man goes into the doctor's surgery,
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like my head has turned into a strawberry.

Doctor says
Not to worry, just put this cream on it

tayto lover

frag420 wrote: »

So how did the suicide bomber survive??

And where did the extra 40 people come from ?

44leto

I think I will spam this thread by posting the worse jokes I have heard.

2 Owls are playing snooker, when one brushes a ball with his wing and moves it.

Someone shouts from the audience hey 2 free shots

The other owl says Too Whits too whooo.

stick girl

3 mice sitting in a pub, talking about how tough they are. Shots ordered. 1st one says ''I'm so tough I eat rat poison for breakfast!'' downs his shot. 2nd one says ''I'm so tough AND fast, I grab the cheese outta those traps and come away unscathed every time!'' Downs his shot. 3rd mouse stands up, downs his shot and starts to walk away, then turns around and says to the others '' I'm going home to fck the cat!''

Capt'n Midnight

Patchy~ wrote: »

Haha the one about arson is in my business book, epic

That explains a lot about the Celtic tiger, pure fantasy

tayto lover wrote: »

And where did the extra 40 people come from ?

fraudulent compo claims

If you ever see anyone doing a crossword, tap on their shoulder and tell them, "7 up is lemonade".

kfallon

Polish man goes to specsavers for an eye test.

Optician shows him the test card with C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "Can you read that?"

The Pole says "Read it?", " I fooking know the cunt"

:pac:

kfallon

Paddy & Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him!
She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him,
as she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising!
She tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up & storms out yelling "I'll be fucked if im hanging around for another 67 of them!!!"

Steven81

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?.

Because he had nobody to go with!!

Steven81

Wht didnt the skeleton jump off the cliff?.

Because he didnt have the guts!!!

44leto

Steven81 wrote: »

Wht didnt the skeleton jump off the cliff?.

Because he didnt have the guts!!!

I'm sorry but I accuse you of trolling this thread, I simply don't believe they are the best jokes you heard, so please stay on topic.

Steven81

Why do skeletons hate winter?

Because the wind just goes straight through them.

Wossack

44leto wrote: »

I think I will spam this thread by posting the worse jokes I have heard.

2 Owls are playing snooker, when one brushes a ball with his wing and moves it.

Someone shouts from the audience hey 2 free shots

The other owl says Too Whits too whooo.

44leto wrote: »

I'm sorry but I accuse you of trolling this thread, I simply don't believe they are the best jokes you heard, so please stay on topic.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the
inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Steven81

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

omg a kitty

"Must you really lick the knife?"
"Sorry force of habit, loads of people do it though. don't they?"
"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"



I'll get my coat..

Rocky_Dennis

Face: Has it fallen on one side?
Arms: Can they raise both arms and keep them there?
Speech: Is their speech slurred? If so.....
Time: to get her knickers off because the Vodka has taken effect.

To get laid, you have to act F.A.S.T.

admiralofthefleet

how do you kill an african child?

cancel the direct debit

dexter647

Prob not the best joke you've ever heard:rolleyes:^^

Rowanvella199

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Capt'n Midnight

I was excited last night when I thought I found a series about a magic caravan, but it was just a trailer.


https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=494 :pac:

pockets3d

Rowanvella199 wrote: »

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Bob had bitch tits.

Hootanany

Angela Merkel goes on a weekend getaway to France. At Customs she's stopped by an immigration official who doesn't recognise her.

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel"
"Where are you from?"
"Germany"
"Occupation?"
"No. I'm just here for the weekend".

Ghandee

An Irish man has just started his own business over in Afghanistan making land mines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently it's going really well

He says prophets are going through the roof :pac:

ComfyKnickers

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

Omackeral

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Temptamperu

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Why are igloos round?

So penguins cant hide in the corners.

ComfyKnickers

Omackeral wrote: »

Why would the golfer say 'oh sh*t' though?!

Oblig lame joke Q: How does an eskimo fix his house?
A: Igloos it.




*crickets*

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

Omackeral

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

Eh, because it was a bad shot!!!!

So what's the difference between a bad golfer and a skydiver... oh I see now!!!


Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

44leto

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

policarp

44leto wrote: »

If first you don't succeed try try again, unless you are parachute jumping.

Don't be so pessimistic.

Bounce back and try again. . .

foxyboxer

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:




"Tis fcuking killing me!" :eek::eek:

policarp

foxyboxer wrote: »

*to the lads in the pub after a few beers*

"Right, I'm off home now, gonna tear the wife's knickers off!" :cool: :rolleyes::rolleyes:




"Tis fcuking killing me!" :eek::eek:

Try putting them on back to front...

Podge2k7

Knock knock

Whos there

little boy blue

little boy blue who?

michael jackson

im invisible

I had a mate who used to wear dark clothes, listen to depressing music, and cut himself. Then last year he moved to northern Canada and became an ex-emo

shopaholic01

A guy from AIB on the news last night predicting house prices will start to rise at the end of this year.

Funniest thing I've heard in a long time:D:D, seriously I nearly wet myself. But if they do rise and our 'investments' start to make off, sure we won't mind losing our free banking now will we?

dan1895

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

suicide_circus

dan1895 wrote: »

Q. Whats 9 inches long and dangles in front of a c*nt?
A. Bertie Ahern's tie.

livinsane

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

Golfer: Whack, oh sh*t
Skydiver: Oh sh*t, whack

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

casey junior

A German guy approaches one of the ladies of the night.
'I vish to buy zex vit shoo.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £50 an hour.'
'..ist gutte, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky, ja?'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees..

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and after all, the guy is paying.)
She finds the zex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

Her climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'Wow!!! That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

wait for it ..........

Four-sprung Duck technique




Courtesy of Amazon

funnilenough

wheelchair bound granny and a retired garda in a old folks home.
every evening she flies up and down the main corridor in her chair,and every evening he tries to antoganise her.
"You crossed a continous white line back there" he'd say ,and give her a telling off.
she'd respond by muttering to herself before returning to her room.
"You were doing 80 in a 60 zone"
"Your front lights aren't working"
and so on.etc

one nite as she's ploughing up and down the corridor,he decides to surprise her by jumping out in the nip with an erection.
"Not the ****in breathlyser again"!.,she exclaimed.

HigginsJ

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

Sunnyisland

A mother in law said to her sons wife when the baby was born

"i dont mean to be rude but he doesnt look anything like my son"

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said

"I dont mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a f''n photo copier"

hypermuse

HigginsJ wrote: »

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaurus

What do you call a one eyed dinosaurs dog?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

what do call a gay dinosaur???

A megasorearse

statss

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self...."

longshanks

Knock knock.

Come in.

MetalDog

My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

policarp

A bloke applies for a job on the London council and gets called
for an interview.
The interviewer asks him does he have any allergies?
Yes he says, caffeine.
Then he was asked did he ever work for the government.
He tells the interviewer that he had done two tours of duty in Iraq.
Good, says the interviewer that's 10 points in your favour.
Next, any disabilities?
Yes, he was close to a mine when it exploded and had both of his
testicles blown off.
Despite his allergy and his disability, his bonus points got him the
job and the interviewer tells him to start work the following morning at
10.30am.
But he says I thought the hours were 8.00am to 4.00pm.
Ah! that doesn't apply to you 'cause council workers sit around drinking
coffee and scratching their balls from 8.00 to 10.00 every morning and
then go for a half hour break.