The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

HigginsJ

What did Schrodingers dog say?

"Thank god im not a cat"

Sykk

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying

Batsy

Q: Why don't the French barbecue?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.

Q: When was the last great French barbecue?
A: That of Joan of Arc in 1431.

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

Q: What is the difference between a Frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: What do you do if you see 90,000 dead Frenchmen?
A: Build a monument in London of whoever did it.

You really do have to hand it to the French. After all, they won't fight for it.

TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
10 When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
9 Experience the joy of not winning the World Cup until 1998.
8 You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
7 If there's a war you can surrender really early.
6 You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.
5 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
4 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
3 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
2 You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
1 People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

HigginsJ

Schrodinger was asked why did the chicken cross the road?


(1) She had to get to the farm, or did she?

(2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer
(else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that
the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of
this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere
sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

(3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?

(4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed,
the act remained a cloud of probabilities.

policarp

Impotence is natures way of saying no hard feelings. . .

admiralofthefleet

I've got a couple of Rugby jokes to tell, not sure if they're any good but I'll give them a try

44leto

HigginsJ wrote: »

Schrodinger was asked why did the chicken cross the road?


(1) She had to get to the farm, or did she?

(2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer
(else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that
the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of
this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere
sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.

(3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat?

(4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed,
the act remained a cloud of probabilities.

To get to the other side
Why did the neutrino chicken cross the road.

Potential-Monke

coco_lola wrote: »

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm crap at poems,
Nice t*ts

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got Alzheimers
Cheese on toast

policarp

A man goes into a bar with his pet alligator, drops his trousers and puts his genitals into the gators mouth. The gator closes its mouth and the crowd gasp in amazement. He then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle, the gator opens its mouth and the man removes his jewels unscathed.
He then offers 100 euro to anyone willing to try the same stunt.
There is a hush and no words were spoken for several minutes, then a little old lady says that she would do it only if he promised not to hit her too hard with the beer bottle. . .

dexter647

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got Alzheimers
Cheese on toast

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.:D

jaspertheghost

why do women fake orgasms?? coz they think we give a s**t.... 3 tampons walking down the road 1 on the left 1 on the right and 1 in the middle,which one says hello?? none coz there all stuck up c**ts,

MetalDog

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.

HigginsJ

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

HigginsJ

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

Galway K9

Not the best i've heard but quite good.

Son: Daddy, i'm considering a career in organized crime.
Dad: Goverment, or private sector ?

policarp

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman hasn't?




A navel. . .

Seachmall

Why don't tampons ever talk to each other?



Because they're all stuck-up c*nts.





May have gotten that joke from here, but I think it was elsewhere.

Steven81

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

enfant terrible

It's not rape, look,

there's mistletoe

leggit

Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.

I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.

Is she a pervert?

Steven81

leggit wrote: »

Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.

I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.

Is she a pervert?

And that is the best joke you have ever heard how?. Stay with topic and not topics like above

JessicaRabbit

Delivery man breaks down on the M4 so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "Ive got 6 monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol zoo for me." Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down & shouts across, " I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?" Paddy says, " I did but I had £30 left so I'm taking them to the pictures now!!"

kojack

Two Paddy's are driving around town when suddenly a police car shows up behind them and signals them to pull over.

The men stop and open their window. The Cop said "We're looking for two rapists." The two men quickly close the window and begin arguing.

After a couple of minutes they open the window again and say "**** it, We'll do it"

viper006

Lady is at the checkout and she hands the cashier

- Meal for one
-Wine for one
-Pizza for one
- Single serving of fruit..

As cashier is checking through the shopping he says "excuse ma'am, your not single by any chance are you"?

Lady replies "oh why yes i am, how did you know? is it cause of my shopping"?.

Cashier: No its call your fcukin ugly

omg a kitty

What do you call a bunny with a twisted dick?

Fúcks funny

bb1234567

Two antennas met on a roof,fell in love and got married. The ceremony was'nt much but the reception was amazing.:p

Loomis

My mate visited a Native American settlement & brought me back some false teeth.
"What the hell are these?" I asked.
"Sioux Veneers" he said.

Will I Amnt

Steven81 wrote: »

And that is the best joke you have ever heard how?. Stay with topic and not topics like above

Who made you the boss of the thread and all that's allowed in it??

Wesc.

My penis is just like a maths question...





Extremely hard for school children.

MetalDog

I was walking around town when I felt a sudden urge for a sh1t. There were no public toilets nearby, so I dived into a restaurant and dropped my load in there.

I got a few dirty looks as I made my way back out. Maybe it was because I wasn't a paying customer.

Or maybe it was because of the steaming turd I'd left in Table Four's wine bucket.

Ghandee

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




Answer:

A carrot..... doh?

ringadingding

My wife's sister knocked me out last week :-( 
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers in the wash basket ? 

METS 1B

fenris wrote: »

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

What do you call an epileptic in a wheelchair?

A Transformer

AnamGlas

So I was playing chess the other day.

I beat my wife.

Then I went back to playing chess.

HenryChinaski

cambo2008 wrote: »

Who made you the boss of the thread and all that's allowed in it??

Too right. F*ck that dude. I hate obnoxious condescending pricks. I thought the joke was okay.

Comer1

A priest came to his new parish on Tuesday and his first duty was to hear confessions. The first man to come in had the usual sins, swearing, impure thoughts, downloading songs newsgroups etc. His last sin however was that he had been "with" Fanny Greene. The priest asked was Fanny Greene his wife, to which he replied no. The priest gave him a fairly hefty pennence and sent him on his way. This is how the day continued, with every second or third man having been "with" Fanny Greene.

The following Sunday, at the beginning of mass, the priest was standing down at the front of the alter introducing himself to his new congregation when the front door of the church flew open. Standing there was the most glorious looking woman the priest had ever seen. She was just under 6 foot tall, with a stunning figure and dressed from head to toe in green. She wore a green hat, very tight low-cut green top. A green skirt that was so short it was barely more than a belt. She also wore the sexiest green leather boots that went higher that the priest cared to look.

As she proceeded to walk up to the front of the church, the priest was left speechless, stopped in mid-sentence. All the men were muttering uncomfortably, while the women hissed and looked at this stunning lady with daggers!

She sat in the front seat directly in front of the priest, so he turned to the alter boy and asked, "Jimmy, is that Fanny Greene?"

"Aah, I don't thing so Father, I'd say it's just a reflection off her boots"

ardinn

Steven81 wrote: »

And that is the best joke you have ever heard how?. Stay with topic and not topics like above

wtf?? Go sh1te.

efb

An Irishman walks out of a bar

Born to Die

Ghandee wrote: »

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




Answer:

Keith

FYP

policarp

Marriage is a three ring circus.

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering. . .

policarp

Our last fight was my fault.
She asked, "what's on TV.?"
I said "dust". . .

Omackeral

What's red and invisible....






.... No Tomatoes

Evie90

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."


On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Omackeral

Omackeral wrote: »

What's red and invisible....






.... No Tomatoes

You stole that brom Beano! Bash Street Kids as I recall.

Awesomeness

My last girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was a compulsive liar.

I think she just couldnt handle my 16 inch penis

Awesomeness

What does a wife and a condom have in common

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck

General Relativity

A man walks into a bar....


... his alcoholism is destroying his family.

Wesc.

A very wise man and a stupid man decided to play a game in which they would ask each other questions. For every question the wise man would answer correctly, the stupid man would have to give him 1 dollar. But for every question the stupid man answered correctly, the wise man had to give him 100 dollars.
So the wise man begun firing away a few questions and , of course, obtained a good few dollars so he decided to let the stupid man ask him a question. The stupid man asked him:

"What is orange, has 8 legs and can fly?"

The wise man, quite embarrassed, admitted he didn't know the answer and gave the wise man 100 dollars.

"So what was the answer anyway?" the wise man asked.

"I don't know, here's a dollar", the stupid man replied.

Lenn Brennan

How do you stop an elephant from chasing you on a bike?

Take the bike off him

MetalDog

Whats the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you, get off my cloud".

A Scotsman says "Hey MacLeod get off my ewe".