The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

--Kaiser--

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. :D

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

Stiffler2

What's the smallest book in the world ?
Womens book of rights

Why do women have a window in the kitchen
to give them a point of view

Why do women have legs
have you seen the mess a slug makes ?

What do you call a girl standing in a tennis court
Annette

What do you call a girl standing in between 2 house's
Elaine

What's the difference between an apple and an orange
you can't have an apple ba$tard

What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath ?
throw in your washing


Man walks into a bar, barman offers him a fruit which can taste like anything he wants
Man doesn't believe this, he says ok, give me an apple which tastes like a banana, barman hands him the apple, he takes a bite, wow that tastes like a banana. okay he says, give me an apple which tastes like pussy.
barman hands him the apple, he takes a bite
ugghhh, that taste's like $hit
barman says turn the apple around.

pappyodaniel

What do you call a single Jazz musician?





Homeless.

bijapos

MacAngus was over from Scotland visiting his Irish cousin, O'Brien in Connemara. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

"What are ye doing?" asked O'Brien.

"Fishin'," said MacAngus.

"Caught anything?"

"Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms"

"Let me see it," said O'Brien.

MacAngus lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Brien took out his flask of best Connemara potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAngus, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Brien.

"No!" shouted MacAngus, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the fcuking throat!"

sgb

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I love the Irish summer, it reminds me of when I first met my wife.

Warm and moist?

wilser

sgb wrote: »

Warm and moist?

Wet and windy?

crazy cabbage

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont :cool:

Canard

There are 10 types of people. Those who read threads and those who don't. :cool:

tayto lover

What do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath ?
throw in your washing


I was telling that joke in the pub one night when a lad tapped me on the shoulder and said he didn't think it was funny at all. He said that his brother had an epileptic fit in the bath and died.
I said that I was sorry to hear that and that my joke was probably in bad taste. I apologised and asked if his brother has drowned.
The chap said "NO, he choked on a sock".

Muckit

2 nuns are walking in a park when a guy jumps out from behind a tree and flashes them.

One faints, the other has a stroke.

chughes

A guy was walking through the Olympic village and he sees an athlete carrying a long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" asks the guy.

Says the athlete "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?".

giles lynchwood

How did they know Lord Mountbatten had dandruff.?













They found his Head and Shoulder's on the beach.

fasttalkerchat

giles lynchwood wrote: »

How did they know Lord Mountbatten had dandruff.?
They found his Head and Shoulder's on the beach.

What's white and flies across the Irish sea?





Lord mountbattens plimsols.

lorrieq

This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth.If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

Sitec

I called around to my new girlfriend's place last night with a big bunch of flowers for her. She opened the door, saw the flowers, and dragged me inside. She laid back on the couch, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said, "This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly', I replied, 'You must have a vase somewhere!"

Sitec

double post

J Cheever Loophole

Three PSNI Officers were injured today when their land rover crashed into a tree.

The Real IRA said they planted it.

chughes

Q. If H2O is the chemical formula for water, what is the chemical formula for holy water?

A. H2OMG

Patri

Just came up with this one in my head and had a good laugh to myself before I realised I looked a bit mentally unsound anywhoo... it's probably been done but play nice!

Just watched that show everyone's been going on about lately "Eleven out of Ten".....thought it was a bit overrated myself
















:pac:

fasttalkerchat

Patri wrote: »

Just came up with this one in my head and had a good laugh to myself before I realised I looked a bit mentally unsound anywhoo... it's probably been done but play nice!

Just watched that show everyone's been going on about lately "Eleven out of Ten".....thought it was a bit overrated myself




:pac:

What?

mauzo

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Patri

fasttalkerchat wrote: »

What?

11 out of ten and overrated and...the joke...with the irony and the...tough crowd

policarp

An English man won the Tour de France for the first time in many years, but he can't be given his medal for at least two weeks.












He's doing his lap of honour. . .

locum-motion

There are 10 types of people in the world:

1. Those who understand Ternary.
2. Those who don't.
10. Those who mix it up with Binary.

chughes wrote: »

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who understand ternary , and those who don't

ComfyKnickers wrote: »

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. :D

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world, those who can exrapolate from incomplete datasets

crazy cabbage wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont :cool:

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are 10 types of people. Those who read threads and those who don't. :cool:

MetalDog

A sheep shagger is out having a driving lesson.

The instructor asks "Have you ever made a U - turn before?"

"Turn?" He says, "Bejasus I can make the eyes roll in their head!"

Latchy

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

Ledger

Latchy wrote: »

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

No.

Shane St.

policarp wrote: »

An English man won the Tour de France for the first time in many years, but he can't be given his medal for at least two weeks.












He's doing his lap of honour. . .

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

tayto lover

Shane St. wrote: »

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

He means a lap of honour of the whole Tour de France course i.e. two weeks.
Hope he's not as slow as you or it might be three weeks

Seaneh

Shane St. wrote: »

Excuse my ignorance but what is the joke here.... been trying to figure it out for about 30mins

The tour is two weeks long... that's how long the lap would take... c'mon man.

Either way, it's not funny.

Capt'n Midnight

Two cannibals are eating Chuck Norris.

"I thought he'd be a lot tougher." Says one to the other.

zztop

Bertie Ahearn has been seen down in Glenamoy in Mayo..

He was looking for a dig out..

Anyone

Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so I could get my well earned sleep.

The End

tayto lover

Anyone wrote: »

Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so I could get my well earned sleep.

The End

Now merged with Oliver Twist --

"More, more, you want more?"

J Cheever Loophole

Any fellow Nordies about?

British athlete Mo Farrah said that if he won Olympic Gold he will parade around the Olympic Stadium wearing a golden sash. He will then sell it on eBay to raise funds for charity.

The eBay auction will be "The Sash Mo Farrah wore".

mauzo

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Any fellow Nordies about?

British athlete Mo Farrah said that if he won Olympic Gold he will parade around the Olympic Stadium wearing a golden sash. He will then sell it on eBay to raise funds for charity.

The eBay auction will be "The Sash Mo Farrah wore".

I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere

fasttalkerchat

syndeyfife wrote: »

I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere

Them lot sing a song with the words "the sash my father wore".

J Cheever Loophole

syndeyfife wrote: »

I don't get that. I've said it so many times and I'm getting nowhere

What do you mean "so many times"?

I've only just posted it!!

fasttalkerchat

J Cheever Loophole wrote: »

Any fellow Nordies about?

On the BBC they were saying that X athlete was devastated about not winning a medal for Northern Ireland. They later edited it. Seems to be even in GB they think that the North isn't in team GB. If I was a unionist I would be outraged!

Crimbouser

Share your problem op. Can only tell anecdotal jokes. Remember hearing sarah millican dryly saying that nigella lawson was like a sexy badger the way she comes out at the end of her show to raid the fridge. The way she told it, i spluttered out my sambo. It's not just about the joke for me, it's the delivery.

Kev_2012

Cazorla signs for Arsenal. Wonder if there's a Santi clause in his contract?

tayto lover

Kev_2012 wrote: »

Cazorla signs for Arsenal. Wonder if there's a Santi clause in his contract?

He was a gift at the price too.

chughes

Q. What English actress used to be able to unfreeze groups of frozen cows?

A. Thora Hird

castletownman

A 70 year old man goes to his local GP with erectile dysfunction.

"When I was 20, whenever I got hard I wouldn't be able to bend my mickey any direction no matter how hard I tried" he says.

"Yeah that's right" replies the doctor.

"When I was 40, whenever I played with myself I could bend it a bit".

"That's common for that age" says the doctor.

"Now I can bend it any direction no problem", the old man said.

"What's your question then sir"

"Just how f@cking stronger am I going to get then doctor?"

castletownman

double post

Gloomtastic!

castletownman wrote: »

A 70 year old man goes to his local GP with erectile dysfunction.

"When I was 20, whenever I got hard I wouldn't be able to bend my mickey any direction no matter how hard I tried" he says.

"Yeah that's right" replies the doctor.

"When I was 40, whenever I played with myself I could bend it a bit".

"That's common for that age" says the doctor.

"Now I can bend it any direction no problem", the old man said.

"What's your question then sir"

"Just how f@cking stronger am I going to get then doctor?"

It was funnier the first time!

Prometheus

What used to come in a yellow box?

John Lennon!

I,ll see myself out!

podgemonster

An Irishman is on the lash in New York City. After a nice pub crawl he tries to get into a NightClub but is refused by the bouncers. The Irish guy begs for the bouncer to let him in.

Amused the bouncer (who is a part time magician) said "Lets make a deal, I will perform a magic trick and if it doesnt work, you can go in"
"Right, what is it then?" asked the Paddy
The bouncer pulls out a heavy bright pink brick. "I will hold this brick out in the palm of my hand, and I will count from 1 to 10, when i get to 10 the brick will shoot up into the air"
The Irishman laughs "ha, thats impossible, no way you can do that"

The bouncer starts counting "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-TEN!!!

The brick shoots up into the air and disappears.

dublinman1990

One day, an Irish woman goes into a cooking class in school. The subject of the day was foreign food.

She goes over into a press nearby her desk and takes out a number of cookery books. She was to do this as part of a cookery task.

She stumbled upon a recipe in an Indian cookbook for a "Mango Milkshake".

She than asks a funny question to her classmate in complete disbelief.

Here what it is this called, A Mongo Milkshake?

brummytom

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.