The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

im invisible

whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care

Royal Legend

What do you call a man with two pric ks ?

Spoiler: Jedwards Father

tayto lover

Royal Legend wrote: »

What do you call a man with two pric ks ?

Spoiler: Jedwards Father

Ah should that not be 3 then ?

loremolis

tayto lover wrote: »

Ah should that not be 3 then ?

No. he cut his own off after seeing the harm it could do.

Pottler

New budget shampoo out for the homeless, it's called "Go and Wash".

Kerry Gooner

falan wrote: »

My new girlfriend and i went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates so far can be summarised as follows.....dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner,dinner, Batman..

She must be some cook!

lmao

The minister realised his Church was getting into serious financial trouble. However, while checking the Church storeroom, he discovered dozens of cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.

Peter, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis, who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment -- poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.



Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here s the $200 I collected for the Church."

"Fine job, Peter!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul he said, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles for the Church, and here is the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That s absolutely splendid, Paul! You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, "And Louis, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"

Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this!?" the minister exclaimed. "Louis, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louis just nodded.

"That s impossible!" Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis."

Louis shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied," W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-just l-like m-m-me T-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read It t-to y-y-you?"

starfish90

I got into a fight with a mop earlier-wiped the floor with it.

smash

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

Lon.C

Kason Prickly Teflon wrote: »

The way I heard this:

Paddy Irishman is next, where he has 100 small red berries. He manages to shove 99 up his bum but bursts out laughing before he has a chance to put the last one up.

Back at camp, Paddy Englishman says - "Why did you laugh, you almost had it!" Paddy Irishman replies "I couldn't help it, I saw the other lad coming with pineapples".

:cool:

The chief doesn't tell them till they get back, what they have to do with the fruit. ie. shove them up their hole.

J Cheever Loophole

Police in Norfolk have confirmed that they have arrested a man who fell inside a combine harvester after trying to steal it.

He is expected to be bailed tomorrow.

J Cheever Loophole

It has been reported that to celebrate Kate Middleton's successful French banning order, Royal Doulton are releasing a commemorative set of small jugs.

Kerry Gooner

Cork gardai are investigating the theft of toilets from their station,a spokesman
confirmed that so far they have nothing to go on.

blue note

Patchy~ wrote: »

There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

There are 10 types of people in this world - those that understand binary, and those that don't.

chughes

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

IrishExpat

How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

Juan!

castletownman

I entered the world sun tanning competitions this year.

I got bronze!

Thwip!

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil welcomes him by saying: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll go to heaven and you’ll take over until somebody switches with you too. So go on, pick a room"!! The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third room has a naked man getting a blow job by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil replies, He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I’ve found you a replacement"

RobbingBandit

John Terry was banned from twitter for being a troll,well he did get under that Bridges missus.

DyldeBrill

A Man walks into a bar and asks for some helicopter flavored crisps

The barman replies "NO.....We've only got plane"

cant beat the bad jokes!

Light Switch

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

Nevermind_

Two blondes are driving to disneyland on the freeway when they see a sign that says "Disneyland Left"... and they both burst out crying!
I'll get my coat

Light Switch

Nevermind_ wrote: »

Two blondes are driving to disneyland on the freeway when they see a sign that says "Disneyland Left"... and they both burst out crying!
I'll get my coat

Did you read the thread title?

It says best joke you ever heard.


:pac:

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic strategist, the strategy failed and he had to get some new tic tacs.

Light Switch

Seen this posted in another thread,

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

Ah, the mind of the Scotsman..

Hal Decks

Light Switch wrote: »

Seen this posted in another thread,

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

Ah, the mind of the Scotsman..

It wasn't funny in the other thread, either!!

Culleeo

My girlfriend and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
Did you smell that food she said.
Incredible.
Being the kind hearted Irishman that I am, I said I would treat her.
So we walked past it again.

Light Switch

Whilst i was driving my girlfriend started giving me a blowjob. Then i decided i would give her a quick lick as well but ended up crashing.

The police have charged me with doing 69 in a 30 zone.

Light Switch

A huband frantically calls the hotel reception from his 8th floor room, asking to speak to the manager.

Husband: "please come, as quick as you can, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window"
Manager: "sir, I'm terrible sorry, thats a domestic matter...."
Husband: "domestic? No its not, its a maintenance matter, the window won't open"

cruiser178

What has two wings and a halo? A Japanese phone. Wing, Wing! HALO




Over the moon coz today i won my first cage fight . Fcukin budgie won't be bitin me again .




Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty, fancy another one?" lookin' puzzled Paddy says "Why the **** would l want two empty glasses?"

dublinman1990

An SNA was sitting a few metres away from me while I was having lunch in School. He mentioned to me what happened while he was supervising some students in a 6th year LCA class while being taught Spanish.

The class were being taught phrases from Christmas & New Year Holidays in Spanish. It seemed to have gone down very well.

One phrase they learned was Happy New Year in Spanish which was usually translated into 'Happy Assios'.

But one day when they came back from their holidays. The teacher get an unusual response when she greeted them all back before she asks them this question.

So; welcome back to all of you, did you have a nice Christmas? They all answered; Yes. Grand, no problems there.

And then this happened when she said to them 'Happy New Year'. One student then says to her in a joke manner, Ah sure your right there Miss.

We all had Happy Asses!!!!

pimbeche

One day a rabbit is taking his morning run through the jungle , when he spots a tiger in the distance. He squints and realises the tiger is smoking a joint! He bounds over to the tiger and says " Tiger! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The tiger thinks about this for a second , then throws his joint down . " Youre right" he says , and the two take off running .

After a while , the rabbit suddenly spots a giraffe behind the bushes , and as he squints for a better look , realises that the giraffe is snorting cocaine! He bounds over to the giraffe and says " Giraffe! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me and the tiger through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The giraffe thinks about this for a second , then throws his cocaine down . " Youre right" he says , and the three take off running .

After a while , the rabbit spots a lion behind a tree. As he takes a closer look he sees the lion injecting himself with heroin!! He bounds over to the lion and says " Lion! why are you doing that! thats so bad for you! Why dont you come for a run with me , the tiger and giraffe through the jungle and we'll get healthy together!! " The lion thinks about this for a second , throws his needle down and suddenly punches the rabbit square in the jaw.

As the rabbit falls to the ground , the tiger and giraffe stare at the lion and exclaim " Lion why on earth have you done that! The rabbit was just trying to help us lead healthier lives , and now youve knocked him out !

The lion shakes his head and shouts " that FECKER !! Im SICK of it!!! hes always trying to make me run through the bloody jungle after hes taken ecstasy!!!

Culleeo

"A Vodka Martini please mate," I said as I pushed my way in front of two massive women in the cocktail bar.

"That's very rude!" one of them said. "Just for that you can buy ours! That'll be two margaritas."

"And two cheese and tomato pizzas for these fat cunts please."

cartell_best

A drunk man is driving home and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.” ....“I had a couple” the drunk says to the cop. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank f*ck,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Light Switch

Just got home from the pub and went for alovely **** (Had a few, to celebrate Arthurs day)

Anyway, ran out of toilet paper half way through so i used the wifes copy of 50 shades of grey.



Her kindle ****ing stinks now!!

Gonzp

Paddy's lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello Sexy, what can I do for you tonight?".
Paddy replies "Do you see that couch you're lying on".
"Yes Sexy" she replies.
Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide".
"Sure Sexy, but why?"...
Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f**kin remote"...:)

G.K.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell, but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this afternoon I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this fridge comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a fridge..."

FanadMan

Gonzp wrote: »

Paddy's lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello Sexy, what can I do for you tonight?".
Paddy replies "Do you see that couch you're lying on".
"Yes Sexy" she replies.
Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide".
"Sure Sexy, but why?"...
Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f**kin remote"...:)

Go on......admit it, you heard that on the radio lol

Witcher

Two Jewish guys were sent to assassinate Hitler one day while he was out for a walk at 10 in the morning. They're all set with guns and explosives..10 o clock comes and goes without Hitler showing up, they wait until 10:30 and still no Hitler...an hour later and still no sign of him. Eventually one of them turns to the other guy and says 'God, I hope nothing's happened to him'

:pac:

FanadMan

Arising from a discussion on homeopatic remedies one chap remarked that the old remedies weren't always great. When his granddad had been unwell his grandmother had covered his back with lard. He went downhill very quickly after that...

gammygils

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today.

Instructions said 'Take off top & push up bottom'

Still in A&E at the moment but my farts smell really nice!!

barone

I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,

From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for black guys.

barone

I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,

From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for black guys.

tayto lover

I didn't get that either time.

livinsane

Think I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre today. Can't be sure, he had his back to the fuschia.

hatrickpatrick

How many policemen does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?

None, he fell...

say_who_now?

livinsane wrote: »

Think I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre today. Can't be sure, he had his back to the fuschia.

I bumped into Sean Connery myself, he was shaken, not stirred!

giles lynchwood

What does Osama bin laden and a pair of St.Bernard tight's have in common.


They both irritate Bush.

livinsane

say_who_now? wrote: »

I bumped into Sean Connery myself, he was shaken, not stirred!

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbleton?

Tennish.

giles lynchwood

Found my Nan dead in her bed this morning,I was gutted,I put my arms around her and held her as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed she was naked.I ended up fcuking her,just as I was about to cum up her arse she shouted BOO!.
I mean what kind of sick cnut pretends to be dead.!!!