The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

chughes

Sadly, my pet mouse, Elvis, died suddenly this morning.

He was caught in a trap.

Duiske

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

Light Switch

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Light Switch

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up the flagging sex life between her and her husband.

That evening, she puts them on, together with a short leather skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her fella.

At strategic moments, she crosses and uncrosses her legs, Sharon Stone-style. Eventually, her husband acknowledges her attempts to attract him and asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?".

"Oh, y-e-s", she answers seductively, and winks at him.

"Thank goodness for that", replies her husband, "for a horrible moment there, I thought you were sitting on the cat".

Light Switch

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

livinsane

My sister and I laugh about how competitive we were when we were younger.

But I laugh more.

campo

Whats the difference between a Nurse and a Helicopter

Not everyone has been up on a helicopter

Culleeo

Scientists have developed a new cream for teenage fanny rash.

It's called

Saville-on

tayto lover

Lads its BEST jokes not WORST or SILLIEST.

Alpish

A naked guy ran past two old ladies who were sitting on a park bench.

One had a stroke.

The other couldn't reach!

ARE YOU INSURED FOR ANY SEX?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you may be getting. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!

Fawkon

A good one I saw on a T-Shirt.

What do we want?!
A cure for Tourettes!
When do we want it?!
C*nt!

falan

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too...

BoDiddly

They should have called it Hurricane Saville, then there would have been only minor damage.:o

TheUsual

Last Halloween I was arrested for making anyone dressed as Dracula give me piggybacks.

I was found guilty on four counts.

J Cheever Loophole

One of the kids swallowed a pound coin that was in an apple tart, at the Hallowe'en Party last night. Took her to hospital and after a medical examination, the doctor came out and advised that there was no change!!

KenSwee

Dude walks into a bar.
Asks for 5 Polish vodka shots and drinks them one after the other.
The dude then bashes his head against the wall and sits back down.
Another dude beside him asks " how did you do that?"
First dude says "it's this brand of vodka; amazing".
Second dude orders 5 shots of the same vodka, dunks them down one after the other, bashes his head against the wall and collapses out cold.
Barman turns to first dude and says " Superman, you're a bastard when you're drunk."

Light Switch

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?sns=&v=JBl4dDzNaI0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJBl4dDzNaI0%26sns

EoghanIRL

I am a huge fan of anti jokes.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb ?
To get to the other side

Light Switch

There was a young man from China,
He wasn't a very good climber.
He fell on a rock and damaged his cock.
And now he's got a vagina.

Capt'n Midnight

The Bible is 100% accurate....

When thrown at close range..

Ronin247

Sean Quinn gets sent to prison. He gets his jumpsuit, blankets, and his cell. As soon as the guard leaves his big, monster cellmate stands up and says: “We’re gonna play a little game of mommies and daddies,as its your first time you can choose, do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
Well Sean thinks, “It has to be safer to be the daddy” and blurts out “can I be daddy”.
To which his cellmate replies, “OK, then daddy, get over here and suck mommy’s c*ck.”

Dartz

Asked the Barman for a Sandy
The bastard just gave me a watered-down Manhattan


NYC Marathon was cancelled. Michael Phelps was especially dissapointed.

Canard

"Did you hear reese whatserface from legally blonde got stabbed?!"
"witherspoon?"
"no, with a knife"

I fell for this earlier. :pac:

Peregrine

^^ Did ya fall for it twice?

"Must you lick the knife?" He asked me. "Sorry force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery..Doctor"

EoghanIRL

˙˙˙ʎɐqǝ ɟɟo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ sʎnq

barone

A woman in America has just given birth to a 16lb baby.



They are taking bets on who will walk first

gernon

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'But I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

'What's wrong with me ?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag !' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex ?'asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?' asked the doctor.

'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Well', said the doctor, 'Are you in a homosExual Relationship ?'

'NO ! - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor...
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'Your mother must have been a carrier ! ! !'

montyrebel

Would have been better if he had 'allsorts' in him

RustyNut

gammygils wrote: »

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today.

Instructions said 'Take off top & push up bottom'

Still in A&E at the moment but my farts smell really nice!!

I went into the chemist to get some today and the lady asked would I like the roll on ball type I said no it's for under my arms.

ynul31f47k6b59

Saw this on facebook, apologies if repost.

A Cock pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a Charolais bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of this fine sycamore tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the sycamore tree, when he was suddenly spotted by the farmer. The farmer dashed into his farmhouse, got his shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Forest Demon

Went to the Zoo earlier,

there were no animals,

except for one dog,

it was a shih tzu

mydogjack

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not that girl anyway.

M.T. Cranium

The Mayan calendar.

don't thank me until 22 Dec let's play this safe.

casio4

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

The Mayan calendar.

don't thank me until 22 Dec let's play this safe.

uberalles

casio4 wrote: »

End of the world ......

http://digitaljournal.com/article/334313

Curly Judge

New Zealand farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says:

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Dolph Starbeam

My wife sent me to the pharmacy to get some of those pills that help me get an erection.. You should have seen the look on her face when I came back with diet pills.

Curly Judge

Hope I haven't posted this one before?

A young lady was getting married and realised, as one does that she didn't know very much about the male anatomy.
Her friend, a male doctor, agreed to help so she turned up one day at his clinic armed with a notebook and a list of questions.
"First of all ", she asked, "What is that long thing hanging down between my fiancé’s legs called"
The Doctor was happy to tell her that it was called the penis.
So she wrote penis down in her little book.
"Now", out at the end of the penis there is a round red bulbous thing. What is that called"?
The doctor told her that there was a long complicated Latin name for it but that colloquially it was referred to as the Nob.
So she wrote Nob into her little book.
"Now", warming to the job at hand, she said, "About 15 inches back from the Nob there are two round things hanging down. What are they called"?
The Doctor looked at her and said, "Well, I hope for your sake that they’re the two cheeks of his arse"!

jessiejam

Why were there more coloured men than white men killed in vietnam?

Cause when the sargeant shouted "get down!" they all got up and danced

.:D


Terrible I know... sorry...

david75

I made up a joke.
Broad strokes. Is that PC for when fat people get them?

Allyall

If i had a euro for every time someone told me i exaggerated, I'd have a million euro.

Ellis Dee

Did you hear what happened to The Stone Outside Dan Murphy's Door?

The Tourist Board put another one beside it and made a balls of it.

csallmighty

What do you get hanging off apple trees?

Sore arms

Godsentme

mad m wrote: »

My Grandfather died in Auschwitz .....


*Pause*

Someone asks, was he jewish?


No, he fell out of the gun tower.......

Baaaa Doom Bish!!!

Another guy says, My grandfather was killed in Auschwitz too!

Someone asks, Gas chamber?

No, A soldier fell out of a gun tower on top of him.......

Godsentme

splendid101 wrote: »

Excuse me, what the f*ck are you talking about?

Cleverest joke in the whole forum!!!:D

Curly Judge

[


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. May
-be you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'.

preddy

2 dyslexics walking down the street

1 says: Do you smell gas?
2 says: Smell gas! I can't even smell my own name

lachin

Breaking my arse laughing... Not a joke per se but just saw on the WW forum a typo..." can I have a link to your blob?"

--Kaiser--

From The Rubberbandits.

Why is the Hiigs Boson like a priest?
Because it gives mass to subatomic particles